The Snowflake Seduction
by JorjaLupin
Summary: What if Leonard isn't the one to give Penny the preserved snowflake? What if it's someone else she never expected it from?
1. The Frostbitten Penis Scenario

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 1: The Frostbitten Penis Scenario**

Penny entered Sheldon's apartment and Raj's voice dropped away. Rolling her eyes, Penny headed over to the coffee table, picking up the only unopened bag off it. "What do I owe you?"

"It was buy two get one free, so nothing," Leonard informed her as she settled into her favorite chair, well, her favorite chair when Sheldon's spot wasn't available.

"Thanks." Penny grabbed a fork and dug into the bag of fries she'd requested. It was only then that she realized that the group was watching a show she'd never seen before. "Uh, what are you watching?"

"Top Gear," Howard informed her. "They're going to drive to the North Pole."

"A travel show?"

"In what universe would we ever watch a travel show?" Sheldon asked in a scorn filled voice. "It's a car show and in this episode the three presenters are going to travel to the magnetic North Pole using two different methods. Both methods of course have valid points, but…"

"And why are you watching it?" Penny interrupted, not wanting to listen to Sheldon's explanation.

"Because we're going to the North Pole," Leonard said excitedly. "And Howard remembered seeing this on BBC America and thought we might pick up some tips for our journey."

"You're going to be driving there?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said. "We're going to be flying out but Howard said that several procedures were performed in this program that we might find beneficial as we prepare ourselves for the cold."

Penny turned her attention to the television, smiling a little at the banter that was going on between the three presenters. "The little one's cute."

Noting that the presenter, a man named Richard Hammond, was indeed rather small, Leonard found himself hoping that Penny's taste in shorter men might finally run to him. "You know what they say about small packages…"

"Yeah, but sometimes they lie," Penny said as she glanced at Howard Wolowitz, who was also looking eagerly at her, making her flesh crawl.

"Oh good gracious!" Sheldon suddenly said out loud, making Penny turn her attention back to the screen.

"What did I miss?"

"I don't know. I missed it too," Leonard said, grabbing the remote. "I'll rewind it."

Everyone was now glued to the television screen as the scene ran backwards and it soon became evident what had prompted Sheldon's outburst, Leonard freezing the picture.

"That is just scary," Howard said in a horrified voice as he viewed the frozen visage of a painfully frostbitten penis.

He laughed out loud, however, when Raj leant over and whispered in his ear before revealing what his dusky skinned friend had said. "He said that Sheldon wouldn't miss his."

"I heartily disagree," Sheldon said. "I need that part of my genitalia to answer the call of nature."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't need it for coitus," Howard pointed out as he winked at Penny, "unlike some of us."

Penny snorted in a very unladylike manner. "In your dreams."

"As long as you're in them with me," Howard countered, making Penny shudder hard.

"I don't believe that Penny views you as a potential sexual partner," Sheldon said, his voice holding what could only be considered a note of arrogance.

It was a note that Howard couldn't miss. "I don't see her aching for you, either, Sheldon."

Leonard, Penny and Raj all looked to Sheldon, waiting for his return comment. He didn't disappoint.

"Maybe not, but on the evolutionary scale of things I would be considered a more viable option for a mate for Penny than you ever would. I'm more intelligent, I earn more money _and_ I'm a doctor."

Howard twitched involuntarily as the barb hit home. However, it still didn't stop him making a comeback. "But you've never engaged in coitus, Sheldon, and I doubt you ever will, so I'm already points ahead of you on that score."

Sheldon was just as quick at coming back. "Just because I've never engaged in coitus does not mean that I don't understand the mechanics of the act."

"But you're forgetting one very important thing…"

"And that is?"

"Coitus involves the exchange of body fluids," Howard said, taking great pleasure in watching Sheldon squirm at the very idea.

Raj sniggered before quickly clamping a hand over his mouth as he remembered Penny was still in the room.

"I think that point goes to Howard," Leonard said gleefully.

As Raj and Howard high fived each other, deciding she'd heard enough, Penny rose swiftly to her feet, clutching her half-eaten bag of fries. "I think it's time I left."

"Before you go," Sheldon said, wanting to garner the object of their discussion's opinion, "if you had to select one of us for a potential mate, which one would you choose?"

Penny stood still in shock that Sheldon had even deigned to ask such a question and she wondered exactly what was in the red colored glass that was sat by his knee. "None of you."

Feeling bolstered by his minor victory, Howard waggled a finger. "Uh, uh, you have to pick one."

"And if I don't, what's gonna happen?" Penny asked in a sarcastic tone. "Is the world going to come to an end? I don't think so, so no, Howard, I don't have to pick any of you."

"But if the world was going to come to an end, who would you pick?" Leonard asked, his eyes opening up in a pitiful semblance of a puppy begging.

Up until that moment, Penny would have said Leonard, having recently realized that she just might have feelings for her vertically challenged neighbor. However, the sight of him looking at her with his big brown eyes and red sauce on his chin actually made her feel quite nauseated.

Glancing around the room, she took in his three friends: Howard was giving one of his sleazy come-hither smiles that made Penny want to smash him in the face; Raj was trying not to look hopeful; and Sheldon was, well, looking like Sheldon.

Penny decided to put the cat amongst the pigeons. "I'd choose Sheldon." She then turned to go.

"Whoa there," Howard bleated. "You can't just drop that on us and leave. It has to be a joke."

Penny turned back and smiled sweetly. "It's no joke. Although he's completely bat-crap crazy…"

Everyone chorused in at that moment before Sheldon could protest, "We know, your mother had you tested."

"Well, she did."

"Even if he is bat-crap crazy, Sheldon brought up a good point… he's pretty well off."

"You're picking him because he's well off?" Leonard asked in a stunned voice. "I'm not exactly poor myself _and_ I'm a doctor."

"And lactose intolerant," Howard reminded him.

Raj whispered swiftly into Howard's ear but, not being a doctor and still smarting from the fact that Sheldon had pointed it out, Howard decided not to tell Penny that Raj had said he would treat her like a princess and that he was far richer than Sheldon, something Howard found hard to believe.

Howard instead shook his head at his friend. "She's already made her choice – she picked Sheldon."

"Raj is right, he's nuts," Leonard argued when Raj threw up his hands and made crazy signs.

"So am I for even getting into this conversation," Penny responded. "Goodnight."

As she closed the door behind her, the room exploded into a cacophony of sound.

"How could she pick Sheldon over me?"

"Perhaps because he wouldn't fart like a dray horse all night if she fed him cheesecake," Howard suggested.

"At least I'm a doctor," Leonard sniped back.

Raj then interrupted the argument with some very good points. "Why even bother arguing about who she'd pick? As Howard has already pointed out, Penny chose Sheldon."

"I don't see why, I'm the one who's always helping her with the internet and paying for her food," Leonard grumbled, still upset over Penny's decision.

"Something I'll never understand," Sheldon said, not comprehending that Leonard was simply doing it to get into Penny's panties.

"Just as we'll never understand why Penny chose you," Howard said to him.

Leonard gave a huge sigh and decided to change the subject. "Let's just play Klingon Boggle."

"A sensible suggestion, Leonard," Sheldon said, getting up and moving over to where he had placed the game, before he returned with it to his seat. "Now we can all forget about Penny."

However, despite his words, Sheldon found himself strangely unable to forget that Penny had chosen him over his roommates, and it was a thought that was to linger in his mind all during their journey to the North Pole.


	2. The Snowflake Discard

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 2: The Snowflake Discard**

**_Three Months Later_**

Penny was just admiring the pink Dolce shoes she'd bought at a bargain price when a knock came at the door. Putting them gently back in their box, she pulled the door open to see Leonard, Sheldon, Raj and Howard standing there, although Sheldon was engaged in a conversation on his cell phone with someone who could only be his mother.

Looking over at the rather bushy-haired and bearded group, Penny couldn't help but say, "So you're finally back."

"We are," a wild haired and bearded Leonard announced joyfully, his teeth appearing very white against the dark hairs of his beard. "We're going to have Chinese tonight and wondered if you wanted to join us."

"Um," Penny said as she struggled to find an excuse and failed. "Sure."

Leonard beamed brightly at her. "See you later then."

* * *

Later came quicker than Penny could have imagined when Leonard came knocking at her door after less than forty minutes had passed, his smile not visible this time.

"Is dinner here already?"

"No, I think we've broken Sheldon."

Penny gave an exasperated sigh. She hadn't missed this shit when the four friends had been away and she found herself wishing they'd stayed that way. But she was supposed to be their friend and so she did what she knew a friend would do and asked, "What did you do to him this time?"

"We, uh, might have messed up his experiment and he found out about it."

Penny's eyes narrowed at Leonard's sheepish look. "Messed up his experiment?"

And so Leonard explained that they had helped to create a false result so that Sheldon wouldn't drive them insane. "Unfortunately Sheldon emailed everyone at the University to tell them that he's confirmed string theory, but he hasn't. It was us using an electric can-opener to distort his readings."

Although Sheldon could be the biggest pain in the ass ever, Penny was still appalled. "How could you do that?"

"It would have been a bloodbath if we hadn't."

Penny shook her head in disgust, brushing roughly past Leonard. "Just get out of the way."

When she reached the men's apartment, she ignored Raj and Howard and made her way to Sheldon's bedroom, knocking on the door and opening it. "Sheldon?"

"No-one's allowed in my room," Sheldon muttered, although his voice was lackluster and didn't hold its usual bite.

Penny ignored his comment and stepped into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. "Leonard told me what happened. Do you want to talk about what they did?"

"No. I spent three months at the North Pole for nothing. And I missed Comic-Con!" Sheldon wailed.

Penny could see why Leonard believed they'd broken Sheldon; he looked close to tears and so she thought of the one thing he usually liked. "Do you want me to sing Soft Kitty?"

"I'm not sick. I'm sad that my so-called friends betrayed me."

"I don't think they meant to but you know how difficult things can get when you're in an enclosed space with just a few people for company."

"I wish I'd known that before I'd gone." His voice breaking, Sheldon curled up into a tight ball. "I want to be alone now, Penny."

Penny recognized the stubborn set of Sheldon's shoulders and so she gently patted one, pulling back her hand when Sheldon visibly flinched. "If you need to talk I'll be in my apartment."

"I don't."

* * *

**_The Next Day_**

Penny had just arrived home from her shift at the Cheesecake Factory and was about to open the door to her apartment when she heard a noise behind her and, turning, she saw Sheldon coming up the stairs, holding a laundry basket in his hands. "Um, whatcha doing?"

"I would have thought that was obvious."

"But it's not Saturday evening."

"I'm well aware of that."

Given that he should have been in work, Penny was more than a little alarmed at Sheldon's deviation from his customary routine. "Sheldon, why aren't you in work?"

Sheldon stiffened up. "I've already been to work."

Penny knew immediately that something must have happened and so she reluctantly repeated her offer of the previous day. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, thank you." Sheldon then re-entered his apartment.

Rebuffed, Penny opened her door and let herself in. But as she started to boil water to make a cup of tea, she discovered she was actually worried about her neighbor. About to go over and force him to talk to her, she was stopped in her tracks by a rapping on her door and her name being said.

Knock.

"Penny."

Knock.

"Penny."

Penny flung open the door after the second 'Penny'. "Come in, Sheldon." She could see his hand twitching. "Finish knocking if it makes you feel better."

"It won't but thank you." Sheldon still, however, tapped the door lightly as he stepped inside of Penny's apartment and softly said her name, his OCD tendencies not allowing him to ignore his usual ritual.

Penny watched as he closed the door and then sat down in the only spot he considered acceptable in her apartment. "Would you like a cup of tea? I've just finished boiling some water."

"A hot beverage would be most acceptable," Sheldon decided. "At least _you_ understand the correct form of comfort due to me."

"I'm sorry about what they did to you."

"Why? You didn't do it and therefore have nothing to be sorry about."

Penny processed this and decided that Sheldon was right. "True. Where are they?"

Sheldon glared at Penny's closed door. "At work."

"You can't make their heads explode from this distance, sweetie," Penny said, recognizing the glare as she handed Sheldon his cup of tea.

Sheldon didn't think much of the tea, which wasn't as hot as he might have liked but he kept silent about it, his current anger focused purely on the people he now considered to be his ex-friends. "I know but it would be nice if I could."

"Think of the mess it would make."

Sheldon shuddered but he bravely shrugged and said, "At least I'd feel better."

"Since you can't make their heads explode, what are you going to do to them?" Penny asked in a gentle voice as she sat down next to Sheldon.

"Nothing. I'm going back home to Texas."

Now Penny understood about the uncharacteristic laundering. She couldn't imagine Sheldon traveling with dirty underwear. "You can't just leave."

"Yes, I can," Sheldon said firmly. He then went on without allowing Penny to answer. "I sent an email retracting my statement and everybody laughed at me when I went to work."

"I've been laughed at lots of times."

"But you were never going to win a Nobel Prize. I was."

Penny experienced a moment of empathy for what the three men who had accompanied Sheldon on his trip might have gone through. "Thanks a bunch."

In spite of his own misery, Sheldon suddenly worked out that he'd probably just upset the one person who was being nice to him and he tried to put it right. "Well, perhaps you might if they had one in waitressing."

"I'd stop while you're ahead," Penny said with a grimace.

Sheldon went back to sipping his tea, although he used that term very loosely.

Despite Sheldon's typical rudeness, Penny tried again to comfort him. "Sheldon, you have to ignore people laughing at you."

"I can't," Sheldon said in a misery filled voice. "Kripke said I was a loser, well he said woser, but he's right."

"Sheldon, it wasn't your fault. Send another email explaining what Leonard and the others did."

"I'm not going to lower myself to their level," Sheldon said.

Penny suspected that Sheldon _would _have lowered himself to their level if he hadn't had to face ridicule at work but she let it go. "But you can't simply leave because they're idiots."

"Yes, I can." Sheldon by now had finished his tea and so he put down the empty cup and stood up. About to take his leave, he was hit by a strange impulse, and so rather than leaving, he instead fished in his pocket, pulling a small item out. "I have something for you."

Penny stared at the object in Sheldon's hand. "Um, thanks?"

Sheldon realized that Penny had no idea what it was. "It's a snowflake. I'd explain the process I used to preserve it but I doubt you'd understand."

"And he just keeps on going even when he knows he shouldn't."

Hearing, and for once, understanding the sarcasm in Penny's voice, Sheldon once again tried to put things right. "I sealed it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin."

"Huh?"

Sheldon knew he'd been right when he'd told Penny she wouldn't understand. "Cyanoacrylate are molecules…"

"You win," Penny said, holding up her hand to stop Sheldon. "I don't understand. So you got me a plastic snowflake set in some sort of plastic?"

"It's a genuine snowflake from the North Pole," Sheldon clarified. "And it will last for an eternity because I preserved it in the resin."

Penny rolled over the small see-through resin chip that contained the snowflake as she took it from Sheldon before she looked back at him, a little confused at the sentimentality behind the snowflake's creation. "But why did you make this for me?"

"I didn't. It was supposed to be for me as a memory of the moment when I proved my theories correct but now it's tarnished."

Penny was more than a little insulted. "And so you gave it to me?"

This time Sheldon had no idea he'd upset Penny but he gave her an explanation nevertheless. "I wanted to throw it away but for some unfathomable reason I couldn't do it and so I was going to give it to my mother. However, I'm well aware that you enjoy items of a frivolous nature and, since you've been the only one who has taken the time to make me a hot beverage, I want you to have it."

Penny's hurt vanished in that moment and she found herself unexpectedly tearing up at what Sheldon was trying to say. "Thank you, Sheldon, it's beautiful."

Spotting Penny's impending tears and suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Sheldon decided it was definitely time to leave. "Thank you for your solicitude. I'm going to go now."

"Sheldon, you can't go back to Texas," Penny said, trying one last time to convince him to stay, conveniently ignoring the little voice that said to her that she had wished Sheldon and his friends thousands of miles away not hours earlier. "Your life is here."

"I've already made my arrangements."

"Well, you can unmake them then."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you're running away because you're hurt."

"I'm _leaving_ because my life here is over. My career is at an end, all of my friends have betrayed me, and…"

"Hey, I'm your friend and I didn't betray you," Penny reminded Sheldon. "That's why I'm now the owner of this North Pole snowflake."

"You're the owner of the snowflake because you made me a hot beverage."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Whatever, but I'm still your friend."

"I suppose we could always Skype," Sheldon said, marveling at why he had said it even as the words left his mouth. Penny usually irritated the heck of him with her inane conversations with her friends about her shoes, her love life, her shoes, her lack of a love life, and yet again, her shoes. He decided to put it down to lack of human contact for three months - he certainly couldn't call Leonard, Raj or Howard human.

Penny had no idea as to Sheldon's thought processes but she was almost as surprised as he was by his offer. "You want to Skype with me?"

"You're probably the only friend I have left."

"The others are your friends…"

Sheldon shook his head. "Not anymore." He then grabbed the door handle. "My taxi will be here soon. Goodbye, Penny."

Just as Sheldon had felt a strange compulsion to give Penny the snowflake, Penny experienced one to grab Sheldon to stop him from leaving. But she didn't and he walked out of the door and back to his apartment.

**Thanks to everyone who has favorited me, followed me, reviewed and PM'd. As this was uncharted territory, I've been really encouraged to continue. However, not all updates will be as quick as this one.**


	3. The Polar Expedition Regurgitation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 3: The Polar Expedition Regurgitation **

Penny stood staring at the door as Sheldon shut it behind him. She could hardly believe he'd called her a friend, let alone wanted to Skype with her.

Opening up her hand she looked down at the resin encased snowflake. It was so beautiful and, although Penny wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box, she was well aware that the gift was unique because she knew that no two snowflakes were identical.

She smiled as she thought about who had given her the snowflake. He too was unique, although most definitely unique with a capital 'u'. Realizing exactly where her thought patterns were taking her, Penny slammed the brakes on. "You've been on your own for too long if you're thinking like that, Penny."

She then looked over at the box that was still sitting on the side table and she took the shoes out. "You, my pretties, are going on my feet tonight and we're going dancing."

It was then she heard the distinct sound of a horn beeping… it had to be Sheldon's taxi.

Jumping to her feet, she bolted for the door, not daring to question why she was so intent in her quest. She reached the bottom of the steps without encountering Sheldon and when she flung open the door to the apartment block, it was to witness his taxi pulling away from the sidewalk. She was too late. He'd gone.

In the taxi, the driver glanced behind him. "There's a hot blonde chick just come racing out of that building. Do you want me to stop?"

Sheldon looked over his shoulder and spotted a shorts clad woman holding a pair of shoes, a woman who could only be Penny. A small, extremely weird, part of him wanted to say yes, a part of him that made him panic and say hurriedly, "That won't be necessary."

The taxi driver glanced in the rear view mirror again at Penny and decided that he must have been crazy to assume that she was something to do with his passenger. She had a rocking body and his passenger was, well, bizarre looking, sort of like a praying mantis. If praying mantises wore two pairs of pants that is.

* * *

Back at the apartment block, walking slowly back up to her home, it was only now that Penny allowed herself to question why she had even bothered racing after Sheldon. He'd already made it clear he was going to return to Texas.

"And I was happier without him, his friends and their screw-ups while they were gone."

It was as she reached the third floor that she admitted that she hadn't been happier. She'd gone out partying on occasion but it still hadn't been the same as spending time with the four friends. Somehow the little deviants had gotten under her skin. And Sheldon's most recent gesture, that of the gift of the snowflake, had wormed its way a little deeper.

Not really wanting to think about how it was making her feel, Penny promptly shoved the snowflake toward the back of her bra drawer before pulling out matching underwear and a dress. She was definitely going out dancing!

However, despite her best attempts to put the snowflake and Sheldon out of her mind, Penny couldn't stop thinking about him and she ended her night early, making her excuses to the hunky but stupid guy who had been buying her drinks all evening. Her worry changed to hope when she heard laughter coming from Sheldon's apartment as she got to the top of the stairs.

However when the door flew open, there were only three people looking over at her in surprise and none of them were Sheldon. Worse, Raj was sitting in Sheldon's seat.

Worry and hope vanished as anger surfaced and Penny lit into the three men. "After what you did to Sheldon, how can you just sit there laughing?" She conveniently forgot that she'd just been out dancing.

"But that was two days ago. I'm sure he's gotten over it by now," Leonard said, keeping one eye on what was happening on the TV screen - they were watching Babylon 5 now that Sheldon was out.

Penny was almost dumbfounded, but not quite. "How would you even know? Have you even asked him?"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "No, but he's not here to ask."

Penny's arms folded across her chest as she asked, "And have you thought about why he's not here?"

"He's gone to the comic bookstore?" Howard suggested, although he had to admit it was strange that Sheldon hadn't appeared to complain about Raj sitting in his spot.

"Since when does Sheldon ever go there alone and at ten o'clock at night?" Penny screeched. "He's gone home, to Texas, because of what you rat bastards did to him!"

"Don't you think you're overreacting?"

"No, Leonard, I don't. Overreacting is fucking up your supposedly best friend's life ambition."

Leonard began to defend himself. "You weren't stuck out there with him."

"It couldn't have so bad that you had to screw up his work!"

All three men exchanged pointed looks and Howard gave a bitter laugh. "Not that bad? It was so bad I wanted to tie him to four different dog sled teams and let them pull him apart."

Penny turned on Raj. "And you?"

Raj shrugged.

Penny wasn't about to let him off the hook and she stomped over to her apartment, unlocked the door and then returned with a half-opened bottle of wine. "Drink!"

Half afraid of an angry Penny, Raj took several large gulps of the red wine, before offering up his own justification. "I wanted to chuck his Kindle outside."

"Why?"

"So we could lock him out and he'd freeze to death."

Penny finally turned to Leonard. "And what was your bright idea?"

"The electric can opener," Leonard admitted. "But at least it kept him happy."

"Well he obviously isn't happy now otherwise he'd still be here."

"She does have a point," Raj said.

Leonard glared at Raj. "At least I didn't want to kill him."

"That's not what you said the night the heat went out."

It was now Howard's turn to glare. "I thought we agreed never to talk about that ever again."

"I am not ashamed of what happened," Raj responded. "It was..."

"Something we agreed never to talk about ever again!" Howard repeated.

In spite of her anger Penny was rather intrigued. "Uh, what happened?"

Even in the face of Howard's reminders, Raj happily filled her in. "The heat went out and we had to get naked together."

Leonard immediately tried to explain more rationally about what had happened. "It was cold and Sheldon said we'd freeze to death if we didn't."

"Leonard did almost freeze to death before he finally got under the blankets with us," Raj informed Penny. "He told Sheldon if he was lying about being naked he would kill him."

Penny snorted out a laugh. "You think Sheldon had designs on you?"

"Noooo," Leonard drawled out. "But it was just creepy… four guys… one bed… naked!"

Raj sighed in what could only be described as a happy way and said, "I like to think it brought us closer together."

His words, however, just made Penny mad again. "Closer together? If you'd been closer together you'd have done the right thing and been nicer to Sheldon."

"But he…"

"Got on your nerves, I know, Leonard. But you knew what he was like before you went and you still went."

"We didn't think it would be that bad."

"Fine, I get it. Sheldon's more annoying than that Spuck guy out of that program you made me watch..."

"Huh?" Howard said.

"I think she means Spock," Leonard said. "And you should know he's Sheldon's hero. I think he sometimes models himself on him."

Penny conceded he had a point. "I suppose I sorta see the resemblance but just because he's as annoying as Spuck..."

"Spock," all three men chorused together.

"Spuck, Spock, whatever," Penny said, not really caring about the TV character, "it doesn't mean that messing Sheldon around like you did wasn't just plain mean."

The three men exchanged glances and Leonard silently elected himself speaker for the group. "Okay, maybe we went a little too far."

"A little?"

"Okay, a lot but there's nothing we can do about it now."

"You could go to Texas and bring back your friend."

Raj dived into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. "I'll give you everything I have if you don't make me go."

Penny eyed the wallet and said, "How much ya got in there?"

Raj pulled it out. "Seventy two dollars and fourteen cents."

"Done." She then turned to the others. "That leaves you two."

"You sold us out," Leonard whined to Raj.

"In a heartbeat, dude."

Before Penny could pick on him, Howard made a suggestion. "Why don't you go if you're that bothered about Sheldon?"

"Me?"

He then reminded Penny of what she had said when they had announced their Polar expedition. "Didn't you say you'd have chosen Sheldon over all of us that night we were watching Top Gear?"

"That was a hypo thingy."

"Hypothetical situation," Leonard provided. "But he's right, you did say that."

"It doesn't mean I want to go and fetch his skinny butt back from Texas."

"Then why should we?" Howard challenged. "My people have already crossed the desert, so I figure I'm done with that."

"You're the ones who made him leave, not me."

"But you're the one who wants him back," Leonard said.

"Fine, I'll go," Penny said, holding out her hand.

"You want us to pay you to get Sheldon back?" Leonard asked. "Not a chance. We can finally watch Babylon 5 without listening to Sheldon complaining about it."

"I'm with him," Howard said, siding with Leonard.

Seeing an opportunity to score points over his friends, Raj dug into his pants pocket. "I have another five dollars you can have."

"Thank you, Raj." Penny smiled sweetly at him before scowling at the two who had refused to part with their money. "You're really not going to help me bring him back?"

"Let me think about that," Leonard said. "Um, no."

Penny glanced at Howard. "And you?"

Howard gave Penny's chocolate dress clad body a long lingering look. "A pity but I'm going to have to say no. Not unless you..."

Penny's hand flew into the air, halting Howard mid-sentence. "I'd rather walk to Texas."

She then stomped off.

Raj was smiling as the door slammed closed. "She smiled at me. She likes me."

"She doesn't like you. You gave her money," Howard pointed out. "I'd smile at you if you gave me money!"

* * *

Once back inside of her apartment, Penny opened up her laptop shaking her head at what she was about to do. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

After checking her bank account and her many maxed-out credit cards, Penny figured out that she wasn't going to be doing anything if she didn't do something drastic, something drastic that involved the beautiful shoes that she had promised she would take dancing, well at least when she got a dress that matched them she would have done.

Sadly she looked over at the shoes and paraphrased her early words, this time more forcefully. "I really can't believe I'm going to do to this."

But she was going to do it. She was going to take back the shoes. It was the only way she could afford the rest of the airfare to Texas.

**A big thank you to NettieT for helping me out when I got stuck with the whole Spock thing.**


	4. The Blackmail Solution

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me, although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 4: The Blackmail Solution**

Mary Cooper opened her front door to see a familiar pretty blonde standing there. "Penny, isn't it?"

"Yes, Mrs. Cooper, I'm here to see Sheldon."

"My Sheldon?"

"Yes."

"He's not here."

"But he has to be. He said he was coming back here, and that was three days ago."

Mary could see that Penny was looking panicked and she put her arm around the girl and pulled her inside. "You'd better come in."

Penny stepped into Sheldon's childhood home. "He's really not here?"

"No, he's not, but…"

Mary trailed off when Penny pulled out her cell phone and dialed Sheldon's number but it simply went to voicemail. "He's not answering."

"He called me yesterday," Mary said, not too concerned by Penny's news. "He said he was on his way home but the line wasn't very clear. I simply thought he meant he'd been out with his little friends and was on his way home to Pasadena."

"He and his _little_ friends have fallen out."

"Let me get you a cola and you can tell me what Shelly's done now."

"It wasn't Sheldon, it was those little rat bas… baskets." Penny changed what she had been about to say at the last moment.

Mary ignored Penny's slip – she had been defending her son after all. After fetching them both a cola, she sat down and listened to Penny's tale.

"Well, I can't say it surprises me. Shelly always did have a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way. Just ask the neighbor kids."

Penny had to admit this was true. "I know he does but his so-called friends knew what they were in for before they left to go to the North Pole. And what Leonard did to him was shi... mean."

Given how vehemently Penny was defending her son, Mary began to wonder if her prayers had been answered about Sheldon finding a nice girl, or even just a girl, to settle down with. She adopted an innocent look. "So does this mean that you and Leonard aren't…?"

"Never in a month of Sundays, or Saturdays, or any other day for that matter!" It was only as she denied any chance of her involvement with Leonard that Penny saw past Mary's innocent look. "I'm not Sheldon's girlfriend either."

Mary was disappointed. "So did you draw the short straw, honey?"

"No, but someone had to stand up for him, and so I returned my shoes to bring him back."

"Your shoes?"

"My new shoes," Penny said with a sad smile. "I had to return them to the store for a refund. But if I'd kept them I knew I'd need to buy a new dress that matched them and since I only had enough money on my credit card for half of the airfare I had to take the shoes back."

"They must have been some mighty fine shoes to pay for your airfare."

"They were but they were on offer," Penny said in defense of her purchase. "And I also had eighty dollars that Raj gave me that I was able to put towards my fare."

"So that boy has finally managed to talk to women?"

"No, I made him drink alcohol so he could tell me what he'd done to Sheldon."

At that moment the man in question opened the front door to see Penny sitting with his mother. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

"She's come to take you home, baby."

"I am home, Mom," Sheldon said as he tugged his suitcase in.

"Shelly, Penny's told me what your little friends did. Now just because they got a little boisterous…"

"I don't call ruining my life being a little boisterous." Sheldon threw Penny a heated glare. "I thought you'd told her what they did to me."

"I did, and…"

"Now don't you get looking at her like that, Sheldon Cooper," Mary interrupted, having seen Sheldon's patented death glare before. "This little girl returned her shoes to come here and bring you back."

This took Sheldon by surprise. He knew how much Penny loved her shoes. "You returned your shoes?"

"I didn't have enough money in the bank or on my credit cards to cover the airfare."

"Then why didn't you take the train?"

"Because it would have taken days…" Penny now knew where Sheldon had been. "You took the train, didn't you?"

Sheldon's face softened as he thought about the trains. "Yes. I was going to fly but when I got to the airport they had no seats available and so I decided to take the Sunset Limited instead."

"Only you would know the name of the train."

"I know the names of all the trains that run across the Continental US," Sheldon informed Penny. "Would you like me to tell you what they are?"

"Not right now," Penny said hurriedly. "How did you get from the train station?"

"I took the bus."

Upon hearing Sheldon's disdain and watching him shudder, Penny looked down at Sheldon's pants and made a guess. "Is that why you're wearing two pairs of pants?"

"They're my bus pants."

"Of course they are. Every man should own a pair."

Although he suspected this was sarcasm, Sheldon still looked down into Penny's glass. He was fairly certain his mother had no alcohol in the house but with Penny around you never knew. "What are you drinking?"

"It's cola," Mary said. "Would you like one?"

"Mom, the correct social protocol dictates that when someone is upset, and I'm upset, you offer them a hot beverage."

"You'll be upset in a moment, young man, if you don't mind your manners."

It was now Sheldon's turn to surprise Penny when he quickly apologized to his mother. "Sorry, Mom."

"Good boy. I'll go make you a hot beverage. Would you like some tea?"

"It's too hot for tea. Can I have a cola?"

Mary gave Penny a look that spoke volumes before leaving the room.

Sheldon stood looking down at Penny. "You're wasting your time trying to persuade me to go back. My career is over, so I'm going to stay here in Texas with my mother where nobody knows me."

Mary walked back in with the glass of cola. "They soon will, baby. I'm going to take you to church with me this Sunday to pray for your little friends."

"I am not going to church."

"If you want to live under my roof, Shelly, then you'll be going to church. This is Texas, not California, land of the heathen."

Sheldon's mouth pursed tightly before he turned to Penny. "I believe that there's a 9.23 flight from Houston. If you'll excuse me I need to change into my plane pants and wash my hands."

Penny stared in amazement at Sheldon's mother. "How did you do that?"

"Years of practice," Mary said dismissively. "And it doesn't hurt none being aware that Sheldon's skewed opinion doesn't run to believing in our Lord." She gave Penny a keen look. "Do you go to church?"

"No, but I pray a lot."

"Shelly?"

Penny nodded.

"He has that effect on most people, honey."

Sheldon walked back in, a fresh pair of pants over his normal ones. "I'm ready. Do you have your ticket?"

After asking if she could, Penny upended her rather large purse onto Mary's table. "I know my ticket is in here somewhere." She tried not to laugh as Sheldon twitched visibly at the mess that came clattering out.

"Here it is." She waved the ticket in the air before she checked the time. "Okay, I'm booked on the 9.23."

Mary bent down as Penny began to pile everything else back into her purse and picked up what looked like a piece of plastic that Penny had knocked onto the floor. Looking closer, Mary noticed it was a snowflake. "My, that's one pretty bauble you dropped."

"Sheldon made it." Penny took the resin encased snowflake and shoved it into the side pocket of her handbag, not really wanting to think too much about why she had fished it out of her underwear drawer and taken it with her. "It's a real snowflake from the North Pole. Sheldon covered it in poly something or other."

"Polyvinyl acetal resin," Sheldon supplied.

"That's real sweet of you, Shelly," Mary said, her hopes rising for these two, only to have Sheldon dash them a moment later.

"I created it for myself but it became a symbol of my failure when my supposed friends betrayed me. I gave it to Penny because she made me a hot beverage."

Not wishing to return to the subject of hot beverages, Mary pointedly looked at her watch. "Well, baby boy, you need to light a fire under your fanny if you're going to catch that plane."

"I've changed my mind."

Mary was well aware that if she pushed too hard, Sheldon would dig his heels in and so she appeared to agree with her son. "That's okay, Shelly. Now that you're staying, don't forget you'll be coming to church with me on Sunday and praying for forgiveness for what your little friends did to you."

Sheldon put his mother right. "I meant about the plane. I want to take the train."

"I have to be in work tomorrow," Penny said. "So I have to fly home."

"But I want to ride the train," Sheldon whined.

Now reassured he was actually leaving, Mary felt as though she could be a little firmer with Sheldon. "Shelly, be nice to Penny and go catch the plane with her. She did give up her shoes for you."

Sheldon looked mutinously at his mother but he knew her 'you'll do as your told' look well enough by now. "Fine, I'll fly."

After a taxi had been called and arrived, Mary drew Penny into a hug. "If you need anything, just give me a call."

"Thanks, Mrs. Cooper."

Mary then drew Sheldon down, kissing his cheek. "It's real brave of you to go home and face your friends, Shelly. I'm proud of you."

"I'm proud of me too," Sheldon said, resisting the urge to rub his cheek as he knew it would only get him into trouble. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, baby," Mary said, before moving to the door and holding it open.

* * *

Sheldon said nothing during the taxi ride to the airport and Penny decided he was sulking about the train.

He was, and he literally bounced up to the ticket counter. "I need to buy a _plane_ ticket for the 9.23 to Los Angeles."

The ticket counter attendant was rather apologetic as she said, "I'm sorry but we only have one seat available in coach."

"I'm already booked on the flight," Penny said as Sheldon exclaimed, "I'm not flying coach!"

Penny looked at him in exasperation. "Why not?"

"There are far too many people crammed into such a small area. Think of the possibility for cross-contamination for all the different diseases they're bound to be harboring. Who knows what they might mutate into, so if I have to fly then I'm flying first class where there are less people."

"Sheldon, there were probably hundreds of people on the train!"

"I had a bedroom on both trains and stayed in it."

"Fine, fly first class then."

"Okay, I'd like a first class ticket to Los Angeles on the 9.23 and I'd like Seat 3B."

"Just as nutso out of his home," Penny muttered under her breath.

"I beg your pardon, Ma'am."

"Nothing, he's just a little superstitious about airplane seats."

"No, I'm not." Sheldon gave Penny 'the look' before explaining to the ticketing attendant why he wanted that particular seat. "I want Seat 3B because it's close enough to the emergency exits that I stand a good chance of getting out without being trampled in the case of an emergency. It's also far enough away from the toilet so that I don't have to listen to its occupants performing their bodily functions and also far enough away to avoid the smells."

"I think I get the picture, Sir," the attendant said as she ran Sheldon's credit card through the system.

"I haven't finished yet," Sheldon said, not happy he'd been interrupted.

"Yes, you have," Penny said firmly. She spoke to the girl. "He'll take 3B if you have it. If not, stick him anywhere."

"But, Penny..."

By now the attendant had checked and discovered that the seat was free, and, wanting to get rid of Sheldon, she hurriedly keyed in the seat selection before pressing print. She then handed over Sheldon's ticket. "You're booked in seat 3B and you have plenty of time to check in your luggage. The flight departs in two hours from Terminal C."

"I'm well aware of that," Sheldon said, not quite understanding why the attendant was bothering to tell him. "The time of the flight is on my ticket." He then surprised Penny by grabbing her ticket.

"Whatcha you doing?"

"Upgrading your ticket. You don't think I'm going to let a stranger sit next to me, do you?" He stared beadily at Penny. "You haven't been in contact with anyone who might be sick, have you?"

"Not unless you include sick in the head, then the answer is no, Sheldon, I haven't."

The attendant looked askance at Penny as Sheldon handed over Penny's ticket. "Do you want to go ahead and upgrade the ticket, Ma'am?"

Penny badly wanted to say no but given that Sheldon had given up on the train idea to fly back with her and he was paying, she agreed. "Sure. At least I'll be able to have a drink." It was something Penny suspected she was going to need by the time she got on board.

"Okay then, after we check in I want to go look in Brookstone," Sheldon said the moment Penny had her revised ticket in her hand.

"And I want a bar."

The attendant flashed Penny a sympathetic look and said, "You can try the Center Bar – it's right on the sidewalk that runs through the terminal."

"Penny, we haven't got time for social drinking if we want to look at everything in Brookstone."

"Believe me, I'll find the time," Penny said, following Sheldon over to the first class check-in desk and handing over her small overnight bag she had brought with her just in case of an emergency.

The check-in clerk then went through the routine questions for security with Penny before turning to Sheldon.

"Have you packed your own bags?"

"Yes. No-one's allowed to touch my things."

"Have your bags been in your possession at all times?"

"Where else would they be?"

"Is that supposed to be funny, Sir?"

"I don't see what was funny about my answer."

Penny could see that the girl was even less impressed with this response. "Sheldon, just shut up and let her do her job."

When Sheldon subsided, the girl gave him a suspicious look before asking, "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry anything on board for them?"

"Do you mean like a terrorist asking me to take a bomb on the plane?"

"Sir, would you please step to the side? You too, Ma'am."

Penny rolled her eyes at Sheldon as she did as she was asked. "Holy crap on a cracker, you just had to say it, didn't you?"

"I was simply trying to verify what exactly she meant."

"You knew what she meant. You didn't have to put it into words!"

Luckily an armed security guard came to escort them away before an argument could ensue.

**Next Chapter: Penny has to deal with a frightened Sheldon during their flight.**


	5. The Fear Factor

**Disclaimer:**** Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 5: The Fear Factor**

Almost two hours later, Penny was stomping her way towards the gate. "Thanks a bunch, Sheldon. Not only did I get a hundred and one questions about my underwear but…"

Sheldon interrupted Penny. "After hanging up your female undergarments on that telephone wire I can categorically state that they're not large enough to harbor a bomb, and so I'm unable to understand how security managed to ask so many questions about them."

"It's an expression, Sheldon!"

"Sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm," Penny confirmed.

"I'm beginning to think that one of the officers who questioned me might have also been employing sarcasm."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Because despite his telling me 'sure, course I'm a proctologist', I'm quite certain that he wasn't."

Penny could still remember their conversation after Sheldon had once come into her apartment and cleaned it, so she knew what a proctologist was. "They gave you a thorough search then."

"You don't know the half of it."

"And I don't want to know but even imagining how bad it got for you still doesn't even come close to making up for my experience and, worse, for missing my pre-flight drink."

"But you can have a drink on the plane."

"Thank God for small mercies."

"He doesn't exist."

Just as she had when everything she had had with her had been examined and sniffed by a dog, Penny again found herself wondering why she had even bothered to risk her sanity and her bank balance to rescue Sheldon. "Sheldon, just stop talking."

"Well, he doesn't."

Penny bit back a scream as she handed over her ticket before being allowed entrance to the ramp that led to the plane. Once onboard, she was more than a little relieved when a flight attendant came over and asked if she'd like a drink. "Tequila, straight up."

"Sir?"

"Nothing, thank you."

Penny was on her third Tequila when the plane began to taxi and she reluctantly handed over her empty glass to the attendant.

It was then that Sheldon noticed Penny had begun to grip her seat arms as if her life depended on it. "You're afraid of flying?"

"Do you have any idea of how many things can go wrong during take-off?"

"Of course I do and I could list them."

"Figures."

"Penny, statistics show that it's very unlikely that our plane will crash," Sheldon said before going further and passing on one such statistic. "A US National Safety Council study indicated flying to be 22 times safer than travelling by car, although I suspect they didn't include your car, which probably makes it even safer to fly."

Penny was well aware that Sheldon was referring to her 'check engine' light that had been on for, well, she didn't need to think about how long. "It's perfectly safe."

"So is flying."

"Then why do so many planes crash?"

"They don't," Sheldon said in a superior voice. "And flying only seems dangerous because modern media reports major incidents. There are approximately 17,000 car accidents every day in the US alone and you don't hear about them unless it involves a mass pile-up."

"I'd still rather be in my car."

"We could have taken the train," Sheldon pointed out.

"I've already told you I have to be in work and oh God."

The plane had begun to taxi up the runway, its engines screaming as it gathered speed to take off. And as it got faster, so did Penny's muttering of 'Oh God' over and over again.

Just as the plane lifted off, Sheldon interrupted Penny's rant. "That's exactly how you said it during coitus."

Sheldon's comment had the distinct effect of distracting Penny and she turned her head to face him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Just before I left to go to the North Pole I was walking up to my apartment and I heard you having coitus."

"I could have been doing anything, Sheldon."

"Your front door was banging… rhythmically."

Sadly Penny knew exactly which romantic encounter Sheldon was describing. "You were listening?!"

"At the volume your voice was being projected, I imagine that the floors above and below us were unable to avoid doing the same thing."

Penny released her death grip on the seat arms to cover her face, murmuring once again, "Oh God!"

"Exactly."

Penny peeked out at Sheldon. "Please tell me you didn't continue to listen."

"Of course not. I'm a gentleman. I went into my bedroom and put on my noise cancelling headphones, although I was unable to convince Howard, Leonard and Raj to do the same."

"Oh God!"

"Penny, I don't understand why you constantly repeat the name of a deity that doesn't exist."

"Again, it's an expression, Sheldon, just like when you say 'Oh, dear Lord' even though you don't believe in God."

"Then I'll find something else to say in future," Sheldon decided.

"Whatever," Penny said just as a ping sounded and she glanced up, noticing that the fasten seatbelts sign had gone out. "Yea, drink time again."

Sheldon was confused by Penny's seemingly happy face. "You seem relaxed now."

"It's just take-off I don't like."

"Landing isn't much safer," Sheldon pointed out. "Would you like the statistics for landing in comparison to take-off?"

"No! And no more statistics about flying or crashing!"

Already having called to mind yet another statistic, Sheldon was not about to be put off from sharing it. "But, Penny, researchers at MIT calculated that, statistically, you'd have to fly every day for 22,000 years to be involved in a fatal aircraft crash."

The attendant, who had been on her way to the back of first class to start offering drinks, had overheard the conversation and she tried to reassure Penny. "The gentleman is correct, Ma'am."

Sheldon smiled smugly as the attendant went on.

"Flying is very safe, Ma'am, and this aircraft, the Boeing 737-900 has never been involved in any accidents."

Sheldon tilted his head as he sifted though his brain for information. "She's right."

Penny let out a long suffering sigh. "Fine, I accept it's safe. Will you shut up now?"

"Yes."

Penny looked up at the attendant with hopeful eyes. "I know you probably should serve the people behind first but please, can I have something to drink now?"

The attendant decided that Penny's nerves were definitely in need of soothing and she took pity on her. "What can I fetch for you, Ma'am?"

"A large glass of white wine, please."

"We don't have large glasses but I'll bring you two smaller ones." The attendant smiled at Sheldon, although it was most definitely more reserved that it had been with Penny. "And for you, Sir?"

"A diet cola, please, but a small one as I don't wish to use the facilities on this plane."

The attendant headed up to the front of the plane to pour out their drinks, returning quickly to a mightily grateful Penny, who drank the first glass of wine as if she'd been stuck in the desert without water for a week.

She was just starting on her second glass when the plane gave a shudder and bounced slightly, making Sheldon squeal out loud and grip the seat arms, just as Penny had on take-off.

Penny hesitated in putting her glass to her mouth to ask, "Whatcha doing, Sheldon?"

"Steadying myself," Sheldon said, slowly removing his hands from the seat arms as the plane leveled out again.

"You were gripping those arms awful hard."

"The plane was bouncing around."

"Of course it was." Penny smirked as they hit another air pocket and Sheldon gave yet another squeal and grabbed back onto his seat arms. To make up for Sheldon's revelations about crashes, Penny decided to take a little revenge on him. "Hey, just think of how many other people have had their sweaty hands holding on to those arms."

Sheldon let go as if he'd been electrocuted, his left hand diving into his plane pants and extracting a packet of wet wipes that were held inside of a Ziploc bag. "Thank you for reminding me." After scrubbing his hands and then the seat arms, he deftly disposed of the wipes into the Ziploc bag, before handing a wipe to Penny. "You might want to do the same."

"Worried I'll touch ya with my germy hands?" Penny wiggled her fingers in Sheldon's face.

"Yes," Sheldon said, rearing backwards.

Penny smiled and wiped her hands before dropping the used wipe into the open Ziploc bag. "Germ free."

"I wouldn't go that far."

Thankfully the flight attendant stopped by them again. "Can I get you some more wine?"

Penny drained her second glass and held both of her empty glasses out. "Heck, yes."

At the same moment the attendant returned to hand Penny her glass of wine, the plane again dropped, almost throwing the attendant off her feet and Penny's wine with her. Penny cursed the loss of her drink as the fasten seatbelt sign came on and the pilot asked everyone to return to their seats.

Sheldon was now gripping the seat arms a good dealer tighter than Penny had been during take-off and Penny could see he'd turned a little pale. "It's just an air pocket."

"It's not actually a pocket but air turbulence," Sheldon informed her, his voice shaking. "And it's caused…"

"I really don't need to know." Thankfully Penny was about to be spared an explanation as the plane dropped yet again, this time causing quite a spectacular bump as it leveled out.

"Oh dear Lord!" Sheldon shrieked out, forgetting he'd decided never to use the expression again.

The pilot's voice came over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently experiencing moderate turbulence. Please remain in your seats until we clear the area."

Sheldon noticed that the air attendants were also now seated and he paled a little more.

"You're looking kinda white there, Sheldon."

"Penny… Mummy!" Sheldon's cry for his mother was drowned out by other passengers squealing and a few screams as the plane repeated its downward motion, this time quite violently.

It was too much for Sheldon and he began to babble. "I can't die. I haven't transplanted my consciousness into a robot. My brilliance will be lost forever. Eek!"

Another air pocket had caused Sheldon's scream and this time his observations were expressed in a much louder and slightly squeaky voice. "I'm never going to get a Nobel Prize if I die. Penny, I can't die yet."

Penny noticed the little girl sitting across the aisle, who up until then had simply looked scared, bursting into tears and grabbing hold of the man sitting with her.

The man looked furiously across at Penny. "Can't you shut him up?"

Penny tried. "Sheldon, for goodness sake. It's just turbulence and even I know most planes are built to cope with it."

Despite being well aware of that, in the face of his fear, all of Sheldon's logic had gone out of the window. "I'm going to die. The world will lose a genius."

Penny grabbed Sheldon's arm, well aware he didn't like being touched, and she shook him. "Sheldon, you're not going to die."

Ignoring Penny's grasp on him, Sheldon continued to babble about the world's loss and his own impending death, making the little girl's howling grow even louder.

The man with her decided to threaten Sheldon via Penny. "Lady, he's scaring my kid and if you don't shut him up I'm going to punch his lights out."

Sheldon was by now too far gone to realize he was in imminent danger, albeit not from crashing, and he continued babbling, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

Penny tried logic, making up a figure to try and distract Sheldon as he done with her. "Sheldon, don't forget that only 1 in 5 thousand flights ends in disaster."

Sheldon again ignored her, although Penny didn't know if it was because he was afraid or because he knew she'd made up the statistic.

The man across the aisle had had enough. "That's it."

As he began to unbuckle his seatbelt, the attendant called out, "Sir, please sit down," at the same time as Sheldon said, "I'm going to die. I'm going to... oomph!"

Afraid of a fight breaking out in mid-air, Penny had done the only thing she could think of doing that might shock Sheldon enough to shut him up. She'd grabbed his face, pulled his head towards her and kissed him.

**I'm not sure when the next update will be - I'm going to my grandparents' place tomorrow for a week and, horror of horrors, they don't have internet.**


	6. The Brutus Clause Implementation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 6: The Brutus Clause Implementation **

Sheldon's eyes, which had been closed as he contemplated his imminent doom, flew open to discover Penny's eyes were half open, almost as if she couldn't make up her mind about whether or not to close them to kiss him. And even though he had been able to open his eyes, to Sheldon it seemed as though he was frozen in time, unable to move the remainder of his body as Penny kissed him, and his mind actually considered the possibility that that was the case until Penny finally closed her eyes.

Still feeling almost detached from himself, Sheldon remained motionless as Penny increased the pressure of her lips against his, Sheldon's hands gripping the arm rests and his legs sticking out ramrod straight out in front of him.

When he felt the tip of Penny's tongue brush against his closed mouth, it was enough to break the spell and Sheldon released his grip on the seat to grab Penny's arms and move her away from him. He thought she looked surprised but not being a good judge of human emotions, he wasn't certain. He did know one thing though and that was what she had done to him.

"Penny, you kissed me!"

"That's kinda stating the obvious."

"But you kissed me!"

Penny decided she had better explain why before Sheldon's head exploded. "That guy across the aisle was going to hit you if I didn't."

Sheldon glanced over at the man, who had refastened his seat belt, and noted how large he was. "Why?"

"Because you were scaring his daughter by screaming you were going to die."

"I thought I was. I didn't realize that the turbulence would disturb me quite as much as it did."

"But you flew to the Arctic and back."

"I did, but it wasn't this bad, and I felt strangely relaxed the whole time."

Penny started to smell a rat. "Did you give out any statistics about flying that time?"

Sheldon wondered how Penny could know that. "Yes, before we flew, as I know Raj doesn't like flying very much and I wanted to make him feel more comfortable."

Penny suspected she knew now what had happened. "Did any of them give you anything to take before you flew?"

"What sort of thing?" Sheldon looked around before asking quietly, "You mean like a bomb?"

"Of course not. I meant tablets."

"No."

Penny knew the others too well to believe they hadn't done something to Sheldon. "Did they give you anything to drink?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, smiling as he thought about it. "Howard bought me several bottles of Yoo-hoo to drink during our flights there. It's one of my favorites."

"Did he do the same on the way back?"

"Yes."

"They drugged you, Sheldon."

Sheldon was about to deny it when he remembered what else his friends had done to him. He was confused, however. "But I've never flown with them before. They couldn't have possibly known I'd get nervous."

"They probably didn't. They did it to stop you spouting off about the statistics," Penny said. "I just wish I'd thought of it myself." She then looked hopefully up at the fasten seatbelt sign, which was still on. "God, I need a drink."

"So do I."

"But you don't drink."

"I don't have any mouthwash and I need alcohol to kill off any germs you might have passed on to me. I have no idea where that mouth of yours has been."

"And we're back to normal," Penny muttered under her breath before pointing out something that Sheldon seemed to have missed. "But you can't get out of your seat."

"Then I'll wait until I can." Sheldon stopped speaking as he realized that the aircraft had stopped bouncing around and the attendants were getting up out of their seats. "They can't get up yet. The seatbelt sign hasn't been switched off."

Almost as if he had been able to hear him, the pilot made an announcement. "Although we seem to be through the worst of the turbulence, I will be leaving the seatbelt sign on for just a while longer, although our flight crew will be continuing with drinks service at this time."

The attendant reached Penny and Sheldon and asked, "Would either of you like a drink?"

"White wine again, please," Penny said.

"A rum, please," Sheldon said.

* * *

A few minutes later, Sheldon bolted to the bathroom at the front of the aircraft, wiping the door latch with a wet wipe before he opened the door and did the same on the inside latch of the lavatory door. He then disposed of the wipe and put down his glass on the side, before standing looking at his reflection in the mirror and reaching up and almost nervously touching his lips.

"She kissed me!"

Although Sheldon had not invited the kiss, and it certainly wasn't the first kiss he had ever received unwillingly, it had been very different from the one he had endured at Beverly Hofstadter's hands.

Sheldon shuddered when he thought about how Leonard's mother had assaulted him with her mouth, the memory of the feeling of her sloppy wet lips against his making Sheldon nauseous even now. He quickly quashed the memory by thinking about Penny's kiss instead, telling himself it was his duty as a scientist to compare the two kisses.

Penny's kiss had been very different; Penny's lips had been firm and definitely not wet. Sheldon's stomach gave an unexpected jump when he thought about how Penny's tongue touching his lips had made him feel; it had evoked a sensation that only purchasing a limited edition comic usually gave him.

"It must be the aftereffects of almost dying," Sheldon decided, unable to even vaguely contemplate that it might be anything sexual in nature that had caused the pleasurable sensation in the pit of his stomach.

Grabbing the rum, Sheldon grimaced with disgust as he swilled his mouth out with the foul tasting liquid, before spitting it out, wiping the sink clean, opening the door and returning to his seat.

* * *

The moment Sheldon had risen to his feet, Penny had started wondering if she should be rinsing her mouth out as well. And then she began to think about the kiss and how it had felt and she was hit with a horrible realization as to why she hadn't even vaguely considered the idea, apart from the fact that she wasn't bat crap crazy of course. "Holy crap on a cracker! I liked kissing Sheldon Cooper."

She only realized she had spoken aloud when the attendant said, "Excuse me, Ma'am?"

"Nothing, I, um, could you hold on a sec?" Penny downed her wine swiftly and held out her glass. "I think I definitely need another one."

"Is everything okay with you and your boyfriend?"

"He's so not my boyfriend."

"I'm sorry, I just thought when you kissed him…"

"I couldn't think of any other way to shut him up," Penny explained. After glancing up she noticed Sheldon returning. "Oh God, he's coming back."

Having heard Penny's remark about liking the kissing and after having seen Sheldon in action, the attendant wisely said nothing, moving aside so that Sheldon could sit down before asking if he needed something else to drink. Sheldon opted for a cup of tea.

After receiving and drinking his tea, Sheldon then sat staring straight ahead of him at the seat back of the next chair and Penny could see that he was obviously feeling uncomfortable.

Soon the silence grew far too uncomfortable for Penny to bear and she was forced to bring up the one subject she really didn't want to think about, let alone talk about. "Look, Sheldon, I know I shouldn't have kissed you but believe me, I only did it to save you from an ass kicking." When Sheldon said nothing, Penny thought of an example she could use that might set Sheldon more at ease. "Just think of it as my being a knight in shining armor."

It worked. "But you're not a knight. You've never been knighted."

"I'm the closest thing you've got to one."

"How so?"

"Well, nobody else was willing to rescue you from Texas."

An indignant Sheldon asked, "So you're saying that I'm the damsel in distress in this scenario?"

"If the shoe fits…"

"Something you would know a great deal about since you own so many pairs."

Sheldon's somewhat sarcastic comment reminded Penny of what she'd given up to save him from himself. "I now own one less pair thanks to my knight-in-shining armor move."

Sheldon hadn't quite considered it that way until then. "Then I believe I owe you the equivalent of a life debt."

"A life debt?"

Sheldon was scandalized that Penny had to even ask. "You haven't read the Harry Potter books?"

"Um, no."

"A life debt occurs one wizard saves another wizard's life, and…"

"We're not wizards, Sheldon."

"No, but wouldn't it be wonderful if we were?" Sheldon's face had taken on a dreamy expression as he asked the question. "I wouldn't have needed to fly, I could have simply disapparated."

"Disappa what?" Then Penny shook her head. "No, forget it. I don't want to know. Just tell me about this life debt thingy."

"It's not a life debt per se, but I do owe you a debt similar to a life debt for your actions in giving up something as important as your shoes for me. To repay the debt I propose that I go to the store and buy you a new pair of shoes to replace the ones you returned in order to help me."

Not quite sure she was hearing properly, Penny resisted the temptation to put her finger in ear and wiggle it. "Really?"

"Yes, but you'll have to drive me."

Despite Sheldon's offer, Penny couldn't help but tease him. "In the car that is more dangerous than flying?"

"I might be revising my opinion on that after today," Sheldon said reluctantly. "And I think in future if we go anywhere together we should take the train or you should drive."

"Where would we be going together?"

"To the comic store or to my dentist or to buy dinner."

"But you do that with Leonard."

"Not anymore, I don't. As you so rightly pointed out just now, you were the only one who was willing to fetch me from Texas."

"Raj did give me some money towards it."

"How much?"

"Eighty bucks."

"And how much did you spend?"

"Eight hundred bucks."

"Then I might be willing to consider a ten percent friendship with Raj."

"Sweetie, you can't have a ten percent friendship."

"Yes, I can. I will be willing to exchange pleasantries with him when I see him but nothing more," Sheldon said, having already worked out what he considered ten percent.

"And what about Howard and Leonard? Both of them refused to help me."

"Then they won't be given any percentage of my friendship."

"But you live with Leonard."

"I'm well aware of that and I have two choices. I could invoke clause 209 of the Roommate Agreement, under which my friendship with Leonard would be suspended, and he and I would become little more than people who share a responsibility to pay the rent and utilities."

"Or?"

"I could invoke the Brutus clause of the agreement."

"What's that?"

"Leonard stabbed me in the back by betraying my trust just as Brutus did to Caesar…"

"I know that one," Penny interrupted, excited to actually be aware of something Sheldon was talking about. "Et tu, Brutus."

Sheldon quickly let her know how wrong she was. "Actually Caesar was reported to have said nothing of the sort. The phrase you are referring to comes from Shakespeare's play, Julius Caesar, where…"

"Sheldon, just get to the point!"

"Well, Brutus commits suicide eventually…"

"You can't seriously expect Leonard to commit suicide."

"No," Sheldon said a little sulkily. "He refused to initial that part of the clause unless I changed it to something different."

"So what does the clause do?"

"Whoever has been betrayed can demand that the other occupant leave the apartment. Sadly it was the closest I could get to suicide."

"Giving up a good apartment in Pasadena is close to suicide," Penny observed.

"Thank you."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now coming into land at Los Angeles airport.…"

* * *

Back at the apartment, Sheldon hesitated outside of his apartment and Penny gave him an encouraging smile. "You can do this."

"I know that. Are you coming in with me?"

"You bet your ass I am. In fact I'm going in first."

For Penny it was like a replay of when she had gone over to reprimand the three men in Sheldon's apartment, except this time their laughter died away when they saw Sheldon behind her, particularly as he immediately made an observation.

"You're in my seat."

Raj, who had had a beer, said, "You weren't here."

"Well, I am now."

"I thought you'd left."

"I did and now I'm back. So get out of my seat."

As Raj moved, Leonard protested. "I've told Raj he could move in."

"Under the termination clause of the Roommate Agreement, you have to wait for seven days after one of us has vacated the apartment before you can offer it up to anyone else to move in."

"But you said you weren't coming back and you resigned."

"As I've already said now I'm back, and I've decided to invoke the Brutus clause of the Roommate Agreement."

"The Brutus clause?" Howard asked.

"Leonard stabbed me in the back and now he must commit apartment suicide."

"Brutus didn't commit apartment suicide."

"I know that but you refused to let me write in simple suicide."

"And I didn't stab you in the back. I was trying to make you happy."

Sheldon disagreed. "No, you were trying to make you happy."

"And you sort of did stab him in the back, dude," Raj commented, his tongue running away from him under the influence of alcohol.

"I do believe your friendship allocation has just risen to twenty-percent with that remark," Sheldon said.

"Friendship allocation?"

"Yes, something that doesn't concern you since I no longer consider you my friend, Leonard Hofstadter."

"Way to go," Howard said to Leonard. "And what about me?"

"I have never considered you a friend, merely a treasured acquaintance."

"You're only a treasured acquaintance," Raj teased.

"Thirty-percent," Sheldon decided. "Now, Leonard, I suggest you start packing. You have one week to vacate the premises."

"I'm not leaving."

"You asked me to change the clause and initialed it. Therefore you agreed to it. You have to leave."

"I didn't stab you in the back."

"In the case of a tie, all final decisions rest with me and I say you did stab me in the back."

"That's not democratic."

"Then let's put it to a vote," Penny said. "Who here believes that Leonard stabbed Sheldon in the back?"

Penny and Sheldon both put up their hands and Raj's hand wavered in mid-air.

Leonard stared at Penny in amazement. "You don't even like him."

"Yes, she does. Penny came all the way to Texas to fetch me."

"She felt bad for you," Leonard argued.

"She returned her shoes so that she could come and get me," Sheldon countered.

"She only did it because she knew she'd have no-one to pay for her internet if she didn't."

"Penny did it because she's my friend."

Leonard snorted in derision. "She thinks you're a nuisance."

"In that case, why did I kiss him?"

"Yeah, right," Howard scoffed. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"Okay then," Sheldon said defiantly and he turned to look down at Penny, panic in his eyes at what he'd just said.

Penny could see how nervous he was and she went to his defense yet again. "I don't see why we should have to put on a show for you monkeys just to prove a point."

"You won't do it because we all know someone like you would never kiss someone like him," Leonard said, a smirk on his face.

"Why not? I kissed you, didn't I?"

"That one definitely goes to Penny," Raj interjected merrily.

"Fine, but I still don't believe she kissed him."

"Ah, what's the matter, Leonard? Don't you like the idea that I kissed your friend, who by the way is a much better kisser than you are."

This shocked Sheldon. "I am?"

"Yes," Penny lied. "And we're going to prove it." She grabbed Sheldon by his sleeve and tugged him closer to her. "Kiss me, Sheldon."

Even though he was certain it was a bad idea, wanting to get back at Leonard for his hurtful remark, Sheldon placed his hands on Penny's shoulders, closed his eyes and pressed his lips against hers, imitating the same movement that Penny had used on the plane when she had kissed him. This time though it felt different as Penny was also doing the same.

As the kiss went on, once again time almost seemed to freeze for Sheldon, only coming to his senses when he heard Penny give a slight moan. He pulled away, blinking several times as he came back to himself.

"I don't think Sheldon's asexual, dude," Raj commented. "Look."

Howard couldn't resist making a crude comment. "Is that a giant phaser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Sheldon looked down at the same time as Penny did, covering his groin with his hands. "Oh dear Lord!" He then fled.

Penny folded her arms and faced off against the three men in the room. "Satisfied now?"

"Yes, but I bet Sheldon isn't," Howard sniggered.

"You really are revolting," Penny said, her face contorting with disgust. She then grabbed her small bag and stormed out.

It was less than five minutes later when Sheldon came after her.

**Sorry, I couldn't resist getting another kiss in! This is truly the last post before I leave, although I'm not going until tomorrow lunchtime now.**


	7. The Relationship Commencement

**Disclaimer: ****Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 7: The Relationship Commencement**

Penny opened the door on the third knock. "Sheldon?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Sure, come in."

Sheldon was obviously nervous, wringing his hands as he said, "I want to apologize for my body's… inappropriate response when I kissed you."

"Sheldon, it was no biggie." Penny grinned though when she thought about what she had seen. "Well…"

"Penny, it's no laughing matter," Sheldon interrupted before Penny could comment on the size of his manhood. "I pride myself on being able to ignore physical stimuli of a sexual nature."

Penny found this hard to believe, even coming from Sheldon. "Come on, you must get turned on sometimes."

"Never." Sheldon ignored the memory of the sensation he got when buying a limited edition comic.

"You mean you've never, well, you know?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Penny looked for a way to explain what she was trying to say without being too crude. "You've never used your hand to make Sheldon Junior happy?"

Sheldon colored as he caught on. "Good grief, no!"

"You've got to be joking."

"Why would I be joking?"

"Because everybody does it."

"I'm not everybody, and besides my mother said I would go blind if I did that."

"You didn't really believe her, did you?"

"Of course not, there's absolutely no valid scientific reason to back up her claim."

Penny was unable to miss the telltale twitch as Sheldon tried to lie to her. "Oh my God! You actually believed her."

Sheldon came clean. "Only until I turned sixteen and by then I didn't need such stimuli interfering with my goal of achieving my dreams, although that's never going to happen now."

"Because of Leonard."

"Yes."

After bringing up Leonard, Penny decided that she too should make an apology. "Sheldon, talking about Leonard, I owe you an apology as well. I shouldn't have put you in a position where you had to kiss me again. I know how much you don't like that sort of thing."

"I was the one who took up the challenge, not you," Sheldon reminded her, before puffing up visibly and saying, "And Raj thinks I'm quite the dude now."

"So does this mean he's your friend again?"

"Sort of. When Leonard starting whining about the Roommate Agreement not being valid, Raj said he would ask his sister, Priya, to look at it for free and confirm its validity. She's a lawyer."

"Are you going to take him up on his offer?"

"No, Leonard backed down and he's agreed to leave by the end of the week."

"But what will you do about a roommate?"

"Advertise for a new one. The rent is very reasonable when split two ways."

"How much?"

When Sheldon told her, Penny's eyes widened. "And what about utilities?"

"It varies but it's usually about a hundred dollars per person per month averaged out over the year."

"And does the internet come free?"

Sheldon still hadn't cottoned on to why Penny was asking and he shook his head. "No. A half share is thirty-five dollars."

Penny totted up the amount in her head. "Wow, that is reasonable."

"I know."

"And are you going to rent to anyone?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said in exasperation. "Any roommate would have to pass my challenge first."

"What challenge?"

Sheldon finally caught on and became suspicious. "Why are you asking?"

"I'm finding it hard to make ends meet, and I thought that now you're kicking Leonard out that maybe I could become your new roommate."

"I've already promised Raj that he'll get an interview."

"I'll consider your life debt thingy to me gone if you let me have an interview too."

Sheldon debated the option of accepting Penny's offer but he knew it would be dishonorable, even though he badly wanted to avoid going shoe shopping with Penny and, worse, having to ride in her death trap of a car. "You'll never pass the test."

"I can try."

"No."

"I could drive you to work."

Sheldon wavered, even with the idea of riding in Penny's car. "Every day?"

"Yes."

"And to the comic bookstore?"

"Yes."

Still unsure, Sheldon added in a further stumbling block. "And to my medical and dental appointments?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Leonard did it."

"How many appointments are we talking about?"

"Probably about eight per annum."

"Then, yes."

"And to my hairdressers when I need a haircut?"

"Yes."

Honor then won out over temptation, and Sheldon shook his head. "No. It wouldn't work. You wouldn't pass my challenge."

"Just give me a shot," Penny demanded. "I was willing to go all the way to Texas for you when nobody else, not even Raj, would. You owe me, Sheldon."

"No."

"I'll drive you to the comic bookstore for six visits and, when I'm not working, to and from work every day for one month if you at least give me a chance."

"Will you get the engine fixed?"

"I can't afford it," Penny said, ignoring the little voice in her head that said that she probably could have if she'd given up another pair of shoes.

Sheldon was obviously thinking along similar lines as he said, "I will pay for it in lieu of replacing your shoes."

"Fine, but only if you give me a chance."

"Agreed."

Penny held out her hand. "Do you want to shake on it?"

"No," Sheldon said, the bodily contact he'd already undergone having been a little too much for him to deal with as it was. "I'll draw up a contract and bring it around for you to sign."

"Agreed."

* * *

_One Week Later_

Penny was sat in Sheldon's spot on his sofa, Raj next to her. "Okay, so what do we have to do?"

"First of all you, Penny, will tell me what the fourth noble gas is."

"I know what this is. I looked at this."

Raj was surprised and, after taking a mouthful of his glass of wine, he asked, "You studied?"

"Sorta," Penny said, scratching her head. "I'm sure it was something to do with Superman."

"How could you even know what to study?"

Sheldon colored. "I gave her a hint or two."

"That's not fair," Raj whined.

Sheldon thought differently. "You are a scientist. Penny is just a lowly server at the Cheesecake Factory who hasn't even been to Community College."

Penny was more than a little offended by Sheldon's remark. "Hey!"

"I was only stating the truth," Sheldon pointed out. "And I felt an obligation to at least provide a hint to you because of your handicap."

"Not going to college isn't a handicap," Penny growled.

"Would you rather I hadn't helped you?" Sheldon asked, not understanding Penny's reaction.

"No."

"Well then, I don't see what the problem is and, by the way, you have ten seconds left to answer the question," Sheldon said, checking his stopwatch. "Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two…"

"Krypton, it's krypton," Penny screeched, her hands flying into the air as she jumped up.

"That's correct."

Sheldon turned to Raj. "Name four of the remaining six noble gases."

Raj smiled a little smugly as he said, "Helium, neon, argon and radon."

"And you could have said xenon," Sheldon said, unable to stop himself from providing this piece of information. "Next question to Raj. Thunderbirds or Captain Scarlet?"

"Captain Scarlet because he regenerates every time he dies," Raj said, before giving a gentle sigh. "And he has the sexy Angels."

Sheldon turned to Penny. "Your turn. Which one?"

Sheldon's only hint for the second question had been TV series he liked. Penny had used Google to cover those she knew of: Red Dwarf, Star Trek and Doctor Who, but she had grown bored when she had gotten to Battlestar Galactica and given up. And she hadn't even heard of Captain Scarlet, although Thunderbirds did ring a vague bell. She therefore guessed at this option. "Um, Thunderbirds?"

"Why?"

Although Penny had no idea what Thunderbirds was, she suspected Sheldon wasn't talking about the car. However, she had no idea what else to say. "They have the best vehicles."

"The answer was Captain Scarlet because he regenerates."

Raj pumped the air. "Yes!"

"But you lose a half mark for saying that the Angels are sexy," Sheldon said in a firm voice. "And Penny gets a half mark for being correct about the best vehicles."

Penny decided not to ask what Thunderbirds was. She suspected Sheldon might take her half mark away if she did. Instead she pasted on a smile and pumped the air as Raj had. "Yeah for me."

"Quite," Sheldon said in an exasperated voice. "Now, my next question is: what is my favorite meal? You'll see a piece of paper and a pencil on the table in front of you. Write your answer down."

Penny scribbled down her answer, noticing that Raj was hiding his piece of paper, just as if they had been at school. She simply rolled her eyes as she put down her pencil.

She rolled them even more as Sheldon said, just as a teacher would, "Please hand in the papers."

Sheldon scanned them before saying, "The point goes to Penny. She correctly identified that I like spaghetti with cut up hot dogs."

"But you love Thursday night pizza," Raj protested before realizing that Penny's answer was rather specific. "Hang on, how did she know about cut up hot dogs?"

"Sheldon came to dinner a couple nights back and he requested it, so I thought it might be his favorite."

"That's cheating."

"Penny didn't know it was my favorite. It was simply a meal that I requested."

"You just want her to win because she's your girlfriend," Raj said sulkily.

"Penny is a girl and she is my friend but she's not my girlfriend," Sheldon stated categorically.

"But, dude, you kissed her."

"To prove a point to Leonard and Howard," Sheldon said truthfully.

"So Penny didn't already kiss you like she said?"

"Yes, she did."

"So why would Penny kiss you if you weren't her boyfriend?"

Penny couldn't resist teasing Sheldon. "Yeah, Sheldon, why would I kiss if you weren't my boyfriend?"

Sheldon had no intention of revealing to Raj about his panicked episode on the plane and so he said the only thing he could. "I suppose I am then."

"I am sooo jealous," Raj said, after hearing this. "If Penny was my lady, I'd be kissing her all day."

The door opened at that point and Leonard came in, preventing either Sheldon or Penny from making a response. "I've come to collect the last of my stuff."

Sheldon pointed in the direction of Leonard's former bedroom. "You know where to go."

Leonard had collected his stuff and was about to walk out when he noticed the title of Sheldon's paper on the clipboard lying on his desk. "If you're offering one of them my room before Friday, then you're in violation of the Roommate Agreement."

"I'm interviewing them in preparation for offering one of them the room when the seven day waiting period is over, something I don't really need to adhere to since you broke one of the clauses but I'm being the good guy." Sheldon stood stiffly as he faced off against Leonard, his face a picture of hurt.

Leonard suddenly felt a pang of guilt. "Look, Sheldon, for what's it worth, I'm sorry for what I did."

"I expect you are," Sheldon said, not really caring anymore what Leonard had to say. "You've lost two good friends…"

"Two?"

Raj filled him in. "He means him and Penny. I'm still your friend but I really want this apartment. It's closer to work than mine and much nicer."

"So is your apartment going to become available?"

"If Sheldon chooses me, it will."

"And if he chooses Penny, then her apartment will become available," Leonard murmured, realizing that he might not have to move into Howard's basement for a while after all.

"If Sheldon chooses me, then I'm going to offer my apartment to Raj. I'd rather not have you living anywhere near me after what you did to Sheldon."

Hurt by Penny's snub, Leonard raised an eyebrow and said quite nastily, "You'll never pass Sheldon's test. You probably don't even know what a noble gas is, let alone what they're called."

"Actually, Mr. Know-It-All, I answered that question correctly," Penny snarled, more than a little angry at Leonard's slur. "Krypton, neon and argon are three of them."

To drive home the point, Sheldon walked over to Penny and, trying not to cringe, he put his arm around her waist. "See, Leonard, my girlfriend is not only beautiful but intelligent as well. And she only has one question left to answer."

"Which she can't fail to get wrong," Leonard said, not liking how Sheldon was holding Penny so closely to him. "So, go ahead and answer his question."

Sheldon, however, first turned to Raj and asked, "If you were living in post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?"

Knowing Sheldon as well as he did, Raj chose the final option. Sheldon didn't say if Raj was correct or not, instead asking the same question to Penny, who had to think about it for a moment.

"Um, procreating?"

Sheldon struggled hard to control his facial gestures as he said, "You were both correct."

"When you interviewed me for this room, you told me you'd accept any answer except for the procreation option," Leonard said.

"But you weren't someone I might wish to procreate with, Penny is." And, as if to prove a point, Sheldon bent his head and quickly dropped a kiss on Penny's lips. "She's my gal."

Being close enough to Sheldon to see the panic in his eyes as he had bent over her, Penny knew how much this was costing Sheldon to do this, and she smiled triumphantly at Leonard. "Yes, I am."

"It will never last," Leonard stated as he walked by. "You're not stupid but you're nowhere near intelligent enough to hold a conversation with him that he'll enjoy and he'll soon get bored with you."

"I would never get bored with Penny," Raj interjected, his look hopeful.

"But he will," Leonard said, pointing at Sheldon, who reacted by pulling Penny even closer to him.

Penny slipped her own arm around Sheldon's waist, before surprising Sheldon by agreeing with Leonard. "You're right. I'm probably not intelligent to hold a conversation with Sheldon about the things he enjoys. But you're forgetting one thing…"

"What's that?"

"I'm more than capable of holding his attention in far more interesting ways than just talking."

This barb hit home and Leonard stormed off, throwing over his shoulder, "As I said, it will never last."

As the door reverberated with the force of Leonard's exit, Raj shook his head. "That is one jealous dude."

Penny shuddered as Sheldon released her. "I can't believe I ever let him near me."

"You're upset, aren't you?" Sheldon asked, surprising both Raj and Penny that he had even noticed. "I'll make you a hot beverage after I've washed my hands."

Alone, after drinking a little more wine, Raj asked Penny, "So who do you think will get Leonard's old room?"

"I know I didn't answer that last question correctly," Penny said. "I think the room should go to you."

Raj disagreed. "But even if you did get it wrong, we would still be even."

"Yeah, but Leonard was right. Sheldon would probably be better having someone who can talk to him living here."

"But you're Sheldon's girlfriend and you should take Leonard's old room, unless you want to move into Sheldon's bedroom with him."

"If Penny moves in, then she would have her own room," Sheldon said, having caught that part of the conversation as he walked back into the room. "Nobody is allowed in my room and I won't be going into Penny's room."

"Then how will you make sweet passionate love to her?"

"I won't be."

"Are you crazy? If Penny was my lady…"

Penny jumped in quickly. "We get it, Raj. But Sheldon and I are taking it slowly."

"Okay, but that still doesn't answer who gets the apartment," Raj responded.

"I have a further question for you," Sheldon said. "Will you be bringing lady friends back?"

"Yes," Raj said, before he realized what a stumbling block that would cause, having heard Leonard complain many times before. And Raj was also well aware that he would only be bringing lady friends back if he had been drinking and therefore probably not planning ahead. "You would require notice?"

"In writing," Sheldon said.

"I have an idea," Raj said, after deciding this wouldn't work for him. "Penny wants to cut her costs and I want a nicer apartment but we can't both move in here. So why don't we add up the two rents and divide it by three? I will move into Penny's apartment and she will live here. I will cover my own utilities but I want access to the internet. If things don't work out in the romance department, she can move back into her apartment but we'll still keep the payments the same."

Penny would still be over two hundred dollars a month better off and so she glanced over at Sheldon. "What do you think? It will cost you a little more this way."

"If Raj agrees to drive me to work and the comic bookstore, and you agree to take me to my dental and medical appointments and to get my hair cut, then that will be acceptable," Sheldon said after mulling it over for a while. "And you can take turns in collecting our food."

"Then we're agreed," Raj said excitedly. "I'm going home to start packing."

Raj was out of the door before Penny or Sheldon could say anything else.

"So I guess I should go home."

"You don't want a hot beverage?"

"I'm not upset anymore," Penny said, smiling. "I'm not going to let a worm like Leonard do that to me. And it made me feel good to see him upset because he thinks I'm going out with you."

"I admit I also derived a good deal of pleasure from seeing how upset it made him," Sheldon admitted.

Penny made a suggestion. "So I think we should continue to pretend to be going out."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want that little shit to think he was right about us not making it."

Sheldon brought up a good point. "I know that I'm not interested in coitus but what about you? Having heard you…"

Just as she had with Raj, Penny cut in. "I can live without sex for a while." She hoped!

Sheldon then brought up a second point that was even more important than the first one. "But I don't know how to be a boyfriend."

"Well, we have to hold hands and kiss and…"

"No coitus!"

Penny laughed at Sheldon's fearful face. "Sheldon, it's just pretend and we'll only be doing that sort of stuff in front of other people."

Sheldon relaxed a little. "So you wouldn't want to kiss me when we're alone?"

"Not unless you wanted me to," Penny said, before laughing at his shocked face. "I'm only teasing."

"Good," Sheldon said, although a tiny part of him felt bizarrely disappointed by Penny's answer. "I'll start drawing up a new roommate agreement."

"And like Raj, I'll start packing."

**Sorry about the delay – I left in a hurry and forgot my notebook! **

**Thanks to HoistTheColours89 for the Sheldon Junior idea! **

**Next time: Sheldon finds himself in a difficult position.**


	8. The Leonard Misery Factor

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one in the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 8: The Leonard Misery Factor**

_Two Months Later_

Sheldon was scowling when he walked into the apartment, and Penny glanced over from watching a repeat of America's Top Model. "What's up?"

"Raj has invited us to a costume party next month to celebrate his new position working for me."

"So what's with the face?" Penny asked.

"I hate going to parties."

"So we don't go," Penny said, not particularly wishing to attend a costume party.

"Leonard will be there."

This changed Penny's mind entirely, well aware from Raj that even now, after two months, it still got Leonard's goat that she and Sheldon were supposedly together. "Then we go. I don't think Leonard's suffered enough."

"That's very true, and I definitely know he's still sulking because I'm going out with you."

"How do you know that?" Penny asked, well aware that Leonard and Sheldon still weren't speaking, not even at work.

"Beverly told me."

Beverly Hofstadter had not only supported Sheldon but had told her son off for what she considered shoddy behavior. Consequently Leonard now also blamed Sheldon for creating an even bigger rift between him and his mother.

"But even taking into account the Leonard misery factor, I still hate parties," Sheldon whined.

"Tell me, what do you hate more, Leonard or parties?"

"Leonard."

"Then we go!"

"But I don't want to go."

"We'll talk it about it over dinner."

"Very well, although I still don't want to go."

"Sheldon, later."

The discussion about the party over as far as Penny was concerned, Sheldon sat down in his spot and looked pointedly at the television set.

"It's only got five minutes left."

"And it's a re-run," Sheldon pointed out. "Please turn off the television, Penny. You know the rules."

Grumbling, Penny grabbed the remote and switched off the television as Sheldon began to clear a space on the table. "Do we really have to play chess?"

"It's Tuesday and that is now chess night."

"But you know how rubbish I am."

"You'll only get better with practice," Sheldon said, reaching down beside him to pick up the box from the floor. "Today you'll be white and I'll be teaching you the Sicilian Defense."

"But we did that last time."

"That was the French Defense, and when I believe you've mastered tonight's move, I'll let you drive me to dinner."

"You're too kind."

As usual the sarcasm went over Sheldon's head. "Thank you. You will move to E4 and I will then move to C5, and after that…"

* * *

_Three Weeks Later_

Sheldon walked more stiffly than a poker as he held Penny's hand as they walked through the parking lot towards the costume store. "We're miles from home. I don't see why I need to hold your hand here."

"And _I_ don't see why we needed to drive all the way to San Diego just to buy a stupid costume," Penny complained, not releasing Sheldon's hand as she walked.

"Because San Diego is where the best costume store in California is situated, and my Spock outfit is getting a little worn," Sheldon said, feeling excited about acquiring a new one.

"It had a few loose threads!"

Sheldon thought differently and he said peevishly, "It was ready to fall apart, and you need a costume."

"I'm not going in a Star Trek uniform."

"It's a couple's costume party," Sheldon reminded Penny. "So since you said I have to go, the deal we eventually agreed upon was that you would wear the same genre of costume as me."

"Can't you go as Han Solo?" Penny asked hopefully.

"No, I want to go as Spock," Sheldon said stubbornly, only to draw to a halt, his fingers tightening around Penny's.

"Sheldon, loosen up!" Penny complained.

Sheldon eased up on his tight grip before pointing out what had made him react that way. "Penny, Leonard is over there and he's with Leslie Winkle."

"I had a horrible feeling we might run into Leonard," Penny admitted.

"Why?"

"I saw his car overtaking us as we entered the last rest stop but I was still hoping he wasn't coming this way."

"Oh Lord, they're going to know I'm pretending."

Penny kept her voice low. "You've managed up until now."

"I don't ever speak to Leonard at work and Winkle hates me; it's been easy to pretend by just smiling triumphantly at him and ignoring her. Now I can't avoid them and they're going to know I've been lying."

"Not if you let me do the talking they won't."

Moments later, the couple walked up to them, and Leslie Winkle shook her head. "Wow, you and Dr. Dumbass _are_ together. I almost didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes."

Penny responded by releasing Sheldon's hand and putting her arm around his waist before smiling sweetly and saying, "Why, do you have a problem with that, Sasquatch?" She then looked down pointedly at Leslie's legs, which were currently unshaved.

"At least I don't look like Barbie," Leslie came back, tugging down her skirt to try and hide her unshaved legs.

"No, you look like Ken," Penny shot back.

Both Leonard and Sheldon were unable to resist sniggering, Sheldon saying under his breath, "And that point goes to Penny."

Hearing this, Leslie turned on Sheldon. "What's the matter, Dumbass, too afraid to fight your own battles?"

"I don't see any need to defend myself," Sheldon said, pulling Penny closer to him. "Penny is already doing an excellent job."

"Enjoy the moment why it lasts. Come on, Leonard. Let's find someone who isn't a dumbass to talk to."

Sheldon waited until they had gone before asking, "Should I have made a response?"

"Nope," Penny said, smiling brightly. "We've already kicked her ass."

"So can we go buy our Star Trek costumes now?" Sheldon asked, taking Penny's hand once again without being told to do so.

Penny smiled even more brightly than she had a moment ago. "We can. I saw that Leonard had a Hans Solo costume in his hand."

"I didn't notice," Sheldon admitted. "Did you see what Leslie Winkle had?"

"I'd like to say Chewbacca," Penny said. "Although with the amount of hair on her legs I doubt she'd need a costume."

Sheldon laughed out loud, a true belly laugh and Penny laughed with him, before tugging him towards the store. "Come on."

Sheldon stopped her with a hesitant question. "Penny, is this what it's like when you're in a real relationship?"

Hoping against hope that like her, Sheldon had begun to change his mind about the relationship being pretend, Penny squeezed his hand a little tighter. "Yes, Sheldon, it is. Why?"

"I needed a point of reference for future encounters," Sheldon said, not telling Penny that it had felt almost good.

Penny would have lost her sunny smile if it hadn't been for the fact that Sheldon had twitched as he responded. "Me too. Let's go shopping."

* * *

_One Week Later_

Penny walked out into the living room to discover Sheldon was ready, armed with pretend phaser and tricorder. "So, whadda you think?"

"I think you should have bought the genuine uniform," Sheldon complained. "And those boots are definitely not Starfleet issue."

Penny was wearing a Starfleet style dress in bright red, but it was cut lower and rode a good deal higher than those shown on TV and her boots were black but that was where the similarity ended, Penny's boots having four inch stiletto heels, laces up the front and what she considered a cute bow on the opposite sides at the top. "Nope, these are far hotter."

Sheldon did, however, approve of Penny's 1960s style hair, which had been braided up a la Janice Rand. "Your hair though is acceptable."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Penny said, slinging her tricorder over her shoulder. "Let me grab my wine and we can go, although I don't see why we need to arrive bang on seven. Nobody arrives on time."

"I do."

Penny stood patiently after crossing the hallway, Sheldon knocking on Raj's door three times and repeating Raj's name after every knock.

Raj was standing waiting for them, wearing a uniform Penny recognized now that she had been living with Sheldon for a while. "You're Captain Scarlet, aren't you?"

Raj, who had taken the precaution of having a few mouthfuls of beer just before seven o'clock, nodded excitedly. "Yes, and Bernadette has agreed to be my Destiny Angel."

"You did explain in your email what sort of Angel Destiny is, didn't you?" Sheldon asked.

"Of course I did, and she seemed quite excited to be coming as a pilot," Raj said, turning as a knock sounded at the door. "Excuse me."

Over the course of the next half an hour, Penny was surprised to see lots of people arriving. "I don't know Raj had this many friends."

"I'm not sure Raj did either," Sheldon commented. "Although I do believe he is very popular in his field."

It was then that Sheldon noticed Leonard arriving with Leslie, and Howard with a girl Sheldon knew worked in the cafeteria at the University. "Penny, I'm not sure I can do this. They're all staring."

"Just ignore them."

"I can't, Leslie Winkle is coming this way."

Penny immediately moved to a defensive position, standing in front of Sheldon, who surprisingly placed his hands on her shoulders. "What do you want?"

Leslie sighed heavily and said, "Look, Penny, I told Raj that I'd behave if he let me come tonight. So just for tonight can we at least have a truce?"

Penny looked down at the held out hand and reluctantly took it, screaming slightly as a small electric shock went through her arm. "Ouch!"

Leslie laughed and used one of Sheldon's favorite sayings. "Bazinga!"

She then walked away to join the group on the far side of the room, most of whom were laughing.

Sheldon was shocked when Penny stormed off. He had expected her to put Leslie down. After shooting what he hoped was a death glare at Leslie Winkle he hurried out after Penny.

Penny was sitting on the sofa in their apartment, nursing her hand when Sheldon went in. "Are you okay?"

Penny hid her delight that Sheldon had actually followed her and said, "Yes, but I should have kicked her ass."

"Why didn't you?" Sheldon asked as he sat down and looked at the slight red mark on Penny's hand.

"I don't know," Penny lied, not about to tell Sheldon the real truth behind her storming out; that she was hoping he'd follow.

"That looks sore."

Penny winced as she touched the red mark on the palm of her hand. "That bitch actually burnt me."

"She must have adapted the zapper," Sheldon said, getting up and heading for the bathroom. "I have some burns cream in the bathroom."

Penny had to hide a shiver as Sheldon gently took her hand when he returned.

"Are you cold?"

"No."

Sheldon then thought that she was worried he might injure her further. "I won't hurt you. I'm just going to dab on a little cream with this applicator."

"It's not that bad, Sheldon."

"I still think it should be treated," Sheldon said, tutting as he gently dabbed the cotton wool bud with cream onto the tiny burn mark. "There, that's better." He then frowned and asked, "Do you need me to sing Soft Kitty to you?"

Penny smiled and shook her head. "No, but thanks."

"Do you want to stay here for a while?" Sheldon asked, showing a good deal of what Penny thought was solicitude.

"I…"

A knock at the door interrupted them and Sheldon got up and opened it to discover Howard standing there. "Come to gloat?"

Howard was surprised by Sheldon's almost mean demeanor and he shook his head. "No. I came to see if Penny was okay. I had no idea that Leslie would do something like that." He looked beyond Sheldon and asked, "Are you okay?"

"She has a small burn on her palm but she'll be fine. Is that everything?" Sheldon answered, his voice colder than Penny had ever heard before.

"Yes, no, yes, no," Howard said, before wringing his hands and blurting out, "Look, I miss you guys. And I was wondering, no hoping, if we could maybe, perhaps be friends again."

"After what you did to Sheldon, I don't think so," Penny said quickly, feeling just as defensive of Sheldon as he had been of her a moment ago.

"I'll try and make up for it."

"I don't think you can, but why ask to be friends now?" Sheldon asked.

"Because even though you're a pain in the ass, I do miss you, and Raj isn't the same. It's killing him being piggy in the middle and I don't like that… he's my best friend."

Neither Sheldon nor Penny had considered how Raj might feel and they both felt guilty, but Sheldon glanced at Penny's hand and shook his head. "No. I will never speak to Leonard again and I know you won't drop him."

"Well, thanks for listening anyway," Howard said dejectedly and walked out.

Penny groaned as Sheldon shut the door. "I hate that little slime ball but he managed to make me feel bad."

He had managed to make Sheldon feel bad too. "Do you think I should let him become an acquaintance again, for Raj's sake?"

This brought up a good point for Penny. "Why was Howard only a treasured acquaintance?"

"I've never really felt close enough to him to consider him a good friend," Sheldon said, thinking it obvious. "He is, even to me, a little creepy."

Penny shuddered. "Yeah, he is, but still, what about Raj? It's not fair on him and really it was Leonard who pulled the initial stunt on you."

Sheldon sat down in his spot. "I suppose I could bend a little and agree to let Howard join our Wednesday night Wii session at Raj's apartment. But only if Leonard is not allowed to attend, and only if Howard issues an email of apology to me explaining what Leonard did and Howard's acquiescence in the matter."

Penny guessed there was more to it than that. "And what will you do with this apology?"

"I'd keep it as insurance," Sheldon said smugly. "If Howard crossed either of us again, then I'd forward it to everyone at work so that they'd know the truth."

"Why have you never told on them?"

"Because then I'd have sunk to their level," Sheldon said. "And I don't ever want to be considered as low as Leonard Hofstadter."

"And what about him?" Penny asked, getting up from the sofa and heading for the fridge to grab a bottle of wine. "Are you still going to get him?"

"Oh yes," Sheldon said with a small, secretive smile. "It's already in the works."

"But you're not going to share?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I want it to be a surprise."

Penny shrugged. "As long as you pay the little rat bastard back then I'm good."

"Good. Then you'll also be pleased to learn that I've moved Leslie Winkle to second position in my revenge list for what she did to you."

Penny suddenly felt as though she was going to cry and to hide it she quickly held up her bottle of wine. "Do you want some?"

"You know I don't drink, Penny," Sheldon said reprovingly, getting up to move to his desk. "Now that we're staying, I'm going to do some work."

Penny now suspected that this was why Sheldon had wanted to stay in the apartment and not return to the party, but she decided, given his kind care of her, to give him the benefit of the doubt. "No problem, if I can watch an episode or two of Sex and the City."

By now, Sheldon was used to bartering with Penny, this system sometimes working better than the roommate agreement, although he'd never admit to it. "That's acceptable as long as you wear headphones. You may use mine. You'll find them in my bedroom and there are wipes next to them."

"I have a pair," Penny said, having bought herself some less than three days after moving in.

* * *

Another knock at the door an hour or so later startled Sheldon, and well aware that Penny couldn't hear, he got up and answered the door.

This time it was only Bernadette, who made a very cute Angel in her white trousers and jacket, a peaked hat nestled on her blonde hair - she'd refused to wear a white crash helmet as Raj had wanted. "I just wanted to check on Penny before I went home."

"She's fine," Sheldon informed her. "And watching Sex and the City, although quite what she sees in that program I don't know."

Bernadette decided not to answer that and she stepped into the room when invited to do so by Sheldon. "Hi, Penny. I'm off."

Penny had by now spotted her friend and removed her headphones. "You're going already?"

"Raj passed out," Bernadette said with a giggle. "Every time he tried to talk to me he kept taking a mouthful of whatever it was he was drinking. Then he grinned stupidly and collapsed. Howard helped me get him to bed."

"Sorry," Penny said, it having been her idea for Raj to email Bernadette to ask her to be his partner.

"It's okay," Bernadette assured her. "It was sort of endearing."

"Even so, I'm still sorry."

"Nah, don't worry about it," Bernadette said, before smiling at Penny and Sheldon. "You two make a cute couple dressed like that."

Sheldon was about to announce that they weren't a couple when he remembered that they were supposed to be one. Instead he said in an affronted voice, "Spock isn't cute."

Bernadette had already been told by Penny how seriously Sheldon took his love of Spock. "Sorry, I should have said you'd make really excellent Star Fleet officers in those outfits."

"I would but Penny would have been court-martialed for her outfit the moment she stepped on to the bridge," Sheldon complained.

Bernadette giggled again, having seen some of the older Star Trek series. "Not if Kirk had seen her she wouldn't have."

Penny shuddered. "I'd rather have been court-martialed. There's something about Kirk that reminds of Howard."

"I've never thought of that," Sheldon mused, before nodding his head. "I suppose that might explain why I prefer Picard to Kirk."

"I've never seen the newer stuff," Bernadette said.

"You could always join us when we have the next Star Trek marathon," Sheldon offered. "I'll ask Penny to give you the date when it's been organized."

"Um, thanks," Bernadette said and she decided it was a good time to be going. "Well, I'll be off then."

Penny hugged Bernadette. "Thanks again for doing this for me with Raj."

"It was fun," Bernadette said truthfully. "I'll see you on Monday. Bye, Sheldon."

Sheldon, who had returned his attention to his work, waved a hand in a distracted fashion. "Bye."

Penny locked the door after Bernadette had left and walked over to Sheldon. "I may as well go to bed."

"Don't forget to clean the bathroom mirror after you brush your teeth."

"I won't," Penny said, dropping a kiss on Sheldon's head. "Night."

"Penny…"

Penny stopped, half expecting him to complain about the kiss, which had been completely impulsive. "Yes?"

"If you need anything for your hand during the night, knock on my wall."

After a long moment, Penny finally said in a strangled voice, "I will."

Sheldon wondered why Penny had sounded so strange as she made her response, but not being able to figure it out, he simply shrugged and settled back down to work on his paper.

In the bathroom, Penny wiped her eyes. "Damn hormones!" But she knew it wasn't hormones that had made her cry. It had been Sheldon's thoughtfulness.

**Oopsy – I took out the compromising position I said Sheldon would be getting into – it wasn't working. **

**Next time: Sheldon gets a sex education lesson**


	9. The Home Run Revelation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wished Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 9: The Home Run Revelation**

Penny was lying in the bathtub when Sheldon tapped on the door in his usual manner, three knocks and three statements of her name.

"Please don't tell me you need me to get out of the tub again so that you can pee."

"I'd drunk two shakes and you had spent hours in there," Sheldon protested.

"That hasn't answered my question."

"No, I don't need to pee," Sheldon said, speaking through a crack in the door. "I need to talk to you."

Penny dropped her book onto the floor and reached up to tug the shower curtain across so that she was hidden. "You can come in now, Sheldon."

"Yes, Mom, she said she can speak to me," Sheldon said into the phone receiver, before berating Penny as he spotted the fogged up mirror. "Don't forget to clean the mirror clear of steam when you've finished in the bath."

"I won't," Penny promised. She had to laugh as Sheldon began talking to his mother again.

"No, Mom, I can't see Penny in the bath. She's hiding behind the shower curtain." Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Mom, for goodness sake, we've only reached third base." He then clapped his hand over the receiver as a screech of dismay and a babble of words came from the other end of the phone line. "Sorry, Penny, I don't know what's gotten in her."

"I do," Penny said. "Give me the phone."

Sheldon handed it over, looking perplexed.

"Hello, Mrs. Cooper." Penny smiled at Sheldon as she listened. "I think Sheldon might be a little confused. We've barely tackled first base, let alone third." She laughed. "Yeah, that's true but you know Sheldon."

"Of course she knows me, I'm her son," Sheldon interrupted.

"Sheldon, be quiet," Penny said, before turning her attention back to the call. "I'd love to visit this Christmas if I'm not working. No, my parents are visiting my brother. Um, no, I won't be going. The, uh, place he lives in is sort of strict about guests."

As Penny talked, Sheldon walked around the bathroom picking up her dirty clothes that lay littered over the bathroom floor and depositing them in the laundry basket, before washing his hands.

As the call ended, Penny handed the phone back. "Sheldon, why did you tell your mother we were at third base?"

"Because we are," Sheldon said confidently. "I've kissed you."

"That's first base, and usually it's with tongue."

"You mean French kissing?"

"So you did read the book I got you."

"Some of it, but I stopped when it got icky," Sheldon admitted.

Penny shook her head in dismay. "How did your mother even for one moment consider that you might actually have reached third base?"

"Perhaps she doesn't know what it means either."

"She's had three kids, Sheldon. I imagine your mother…"

"I don't," Sheldon interrupted.

"Fair enough," Penny said, the thought of her own parents having sex enough to squick her out. "But what about you? How are you ever going to have kids if you won't even read about sex?"

"I was thinking of using a sterile laboratory and a test tube," Sheldon said as he raised an eyebrow. "How did you think I was going to procreate?"

"Gee, I couldn't possibly have guessed."

"Sarcasm?"

"Correct," Penny said, "which is more than I can say about your knowledge of first base."

"Just because I'm not some sort of sex wunderkind…"

"Sheldon, most twelve year olds know what first base is."

"Well, I don't."

"Then it's about time you did," Penny said, pointing to the toilet. "Sit down."

"I'd prefer to stand," Sheldon said, giving their toilet seat cover a look of disgust. "Do you know how many germs…"

"Yes, you've already told me," Penny said quickly before Sheldon could launch into one of his speeches. "Okay, first base is French kissing."

"So I haven't even reached first base?"

"No, Sheldon, do you want to?"

"No, thank you."

"Then shut up and listen." Penny then continued. "Second base would be feeling my breasts and me touching your chest."

"We've been to second base then," Sheldon declared.

"When?" Penny asked.

"You rubbed vapor rub on my chest when I was sick, and I touched your breast on the same day I saw your soup tattoo."

"It doesn't mean soup," Penny said in annoyance as Sheldon brought up the tattoo. "It means courage."

"Not in this universe," Sheldon said. "And…"

"Don't you dare tell me again it takes courage to have a soup tattoo on my ass."

"Well, it does, but that wasn't what I said when I…" Sheldon's voice trailed off at the look Penny was giving him. "I should shut up, shouldn't I?"

"If you don't want me to get out of this tub and kick your butt, then yes."

Sheldon didn't want that. "But I'm right about second base."

"An accidental grope doesn't count."

"But you _deliberately_ rubbed vapor rub into my chest."

"That was because you were sick."

"It didn't mean we didn't get to second base."

Penny gave up. "Okay, we've been to second base."

"What about third?" Sheldon asked.

Penny grinned, aware that what she was about to tell Sheldon would likely upset him. "It has something to do with Sheldon Junior."

Sheldon's hands flew to cover his groin. "I thought that sort of thing was meant to be private."

"That sort of thing is but for me to get to third base with you it would involve Sheldon Junior and _my _hand."

Sheldon glanced down at his hands. "So for me it would mean that I'd have to touch your… _lady parts?_"

"Yes," Penny said.

Sheldon actually paled. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Penny was now glad that she hadn't mentioned oral sex as being part of third base in most people's definitions. "Then go into the kitchen and be sick."

"But I don't like being sick."

"Then don't be sick."

"But you've made me feel ill."

"Then think of trains," Penny suggested.

Sheldon's face took on a look of pleasure as his mind latched onto something that wasn't quite as abhorrent to him. "Did I tell you…"

"No, Sheldon, and you know the rules."

"No talking about trains."

"Good boy," Penny said, before she moved onto the final part. "And just so you know, last base is known as a home run, which..."

"I don't want to know," Sheldon said, his stomach lurching over.

"It's nothing bad," Penny assured him. "It's simply having sex or, as you put it, coitus."

"So I'll never make third base or a home run," Sheldon declared.

"You're not even going to try?"

"No, I don't see the point."

Suddenly feeling upset, Penny pointed to the towel rack. "Would you pass me a towel?"

Sheldon handed one over before screaming as Penny began to rise up behind the shower curtain, "You can't get out of the bath with me in here. I'm only your pretend boyfriend."

"Then get out," Penny said, smiling as Sheldon fled. The smile slipped though as she wrapped the towel around her and whispered, "What are you doing telling him about a home run, Penny? Sheldon is never going to want you like that." She then kicked the water in frustration.

Having been about to knock on the door to ask if she would drive him to the comic bookstore once she was dry, Sheldon hesitated with his hand in mid-air, his sharp hearing having caught Penny's words. A frown on his face, his hand fell back to his side and he walked away.

* * *

_The Next Day_

Raj opened up and then read the email addressed to him, before pumping the air. "Yes!"

"I'm trying to work," Sheldon complained.

"I'm too excited to work," Raj said, bouncing up and down on his seat like a child. "Bernadette has agreed to go out to dinner with me."

"She did say she enjoyed her time with you."

"I was worried she would never want to see me again," Raj said, before his face fell. "But if I go out with her, I don't want to get so drunk that I fall over again."

"Perhaps you should try a date without alcohol," Sheldon suggested. "It works just fine for me."

"But you can talk to girls _and_ you've got Penny."

"Who's got me?"

Both men turned around to see Penny standing in the doorway. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd treat my favorite theoretical physicist to lunch."

"So why are you here?"

Raj shook his head. "She's talking about you, dude."

"Oh," Sheldon said, before saying more firmly, "Oh!"

"So where do you want to go?"

Sheldon checked his watch. "I always have lunch at one."

"Today you can go at twelve."

"But I always have lunch at one."

Penny blew out her breath. "Then I'll wait until one."

"Shut the door on your way out," Sheldon said, returning to look at his computer screen.

Penny slammed the door, making Sheldon shake his head. "For such a small gal, she sure is loud sometimes."

It was then he noticed that Raj was looking at him, incredulity written all over his face.

"What?"

"How you ever managed to get Penny in the first place, let alone persuaded her to have sex with you, is beyond me."

"We haven't had coitus."

Knowing Penny as well as he did, Raj was shocked. "But it's been three months."

"Penny told you we were taking it slow."

"A snail would have moved faster," Raj said. "Penny is hot. What's wrong with you, dude?"

"Nothing, I just don't see the point in coitus unless it's for a viable reason, such as procreation, and even then it's still debatable when laboratories and test tubes exist."

"Sheldon," Raj said softly, any jokey demeanor vanishing, "you're going to lose Penny if you won't have sex with her."

"Of course I'm not," Sheldon said confidently.

Raj gave Sheldon a pitying look. "Then you are kidding yourself." He checked his watch. "I'm going to lunch."

"But it's not one o'clock."

"I'm going to give you some time alone," Raj said, not wanting Sheldon to ruin what he saw as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

"But I don't need time alone."

"I think you do."

Left alone, Sheldon tried to concentrate on his work but unlike usual he couldn't focus. After what Penny had said the previous day and Raj had said that morning, he found himself wondering if Raj was right and he was going to lose Penny, and thus his leverage over Leonard. His concerns were further elevated when Raj returned a short time later with a message that Penny had gone home.

* * *

When Sheldon arrived home, Penny was barely speaking to him, although she had gone out and collected their meal, Thai food.

"Raj said I owe you an apology," Sheldon said as he took out his tray of food from the bag that was sitting on the table.

"And what does Sheldon say?"

"That I'm sorry. I should have made an exception."

"Well, you don't need to worry about it in future as I won't be repeating my mistake again."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"Sheldon, we're not even really dating."

"So are you pretend breaking up with me?"

"Would it matter if I was?"

Sheldon now wondered if Raj had been right about Penny and losing her, and so he softly said, "Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Do you miss hitting a home run?"

Although she was taken aback by the out of the blue question, Penny still answered it truthfully. "Yes, Sheldon I do."

"Do you want to go out and hit one?" Sheldon asked, thinking this might be the answer to both of their problems.

"You'd let me go out on a date without you?"

"I certainly wouldn't want to come along."

"You honestly wouldn't have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man?"

"It's not as if we're really dating."

"Then that's what I'll do," Penny said grumpily, getting up and walking off towards her bedroom.

When she returned, Sheldon had cleared away the food and was sitting on the sofa, an open notebook in his hand, which he put down when Penny walked in, dressed up in her shortest dress and highest heels.

"So you're going out then?"

"Unless you can give me a good reason to stay in, I am."

"It's chess night."

"I hate chess, Sheldon."

"Klingon boggle?" Sheldon offered up.

When Penny gave him an exasperated look, he said, "Wii bowling, I know you like that."

Penny knew he would keep listing things if she simply said no, and so instead she got to the point. "Sheldon, if you have a problem with me going out, then just say so."

Sheldon appeared to find the patch of floor under his foot most interesting as he scuffed away at it, saying, "But I'm not supposed to have a problem with it."

It took Penny a moment for Sheldon's response to sink in. "Oh my God, you do, don't you?"

Sheldon had thought offering to let Penny scratch her itch was the right thing to do, and so he was completely confused by how much he now didn't want her to do it. Very, very reluctantly, he nodded and almost whispered, "Yes, Penny, despite my offer I find that I do."

All of Penny's anger at Sheldon vanished at his confession. "Sheldon, honey, it's okay to admit that you like me. I like you too."

"Is that why you were upset yesterday when you said I wouldn't want to have coitus with you?"

"How did you hear that?"

"I'd like to say Vulcan hearing but I'd be lying."

Deciding to ignore the comment, Penny put down her purse. "Sheldon, I think we need to talk."

"We are talking."

"I mean we need to have a serious talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"It's what my mother always used to say when I was growing up and in trouble – '_Shelly, you and I need to have a serious conversation'_. Sheldon finished mimicking his mother. "Then I normally ended up having to go to church and praying for forgiveness for what I'd done."

"But you don't believe in God."

"I kept trying to tell my mother that but she insisted that He'd still forgive me."

"Well, you don't have to worry this time, you're not in trouble." Penny moved to sit by Sheldon. "Sheldon, do you really like me?"

"Of course I like you."

Penny shook her head. "No, Sheldon, I mean do you like me in a romantic way?"

"I don't know," Sheldon said, still not quite sure how he felt. "I do know that I don't want you to have coitus with someone else."

Despite his answer, Penny knew better than to think that Sheldon wanted to have sex her and so she asked about his intention instead. "Then why did you offer?"

"Because I thought you wanted to have coitus, and I didn't want you to have to go without because you were in a pretend relationship with me."

"Sheldon, I don't mind going without," Penny said, before amending her statement. "Well, I do but getting back at Leonard is worth going without sex."

Sheldon then confirmed Penny's suspicions about not wanting to have sex with her. "So, if you were my real girlfriend, you wouldn't want coitus?"

"Yes, I would but not until you were ready."

"And what about if I was never ready? Would you dump me?"

If she hadn't been able to see at that moment how insecure a normally over-confident Sheldon was, his hands plucking at his trousers as he continued to scuff the floor with his left foot, Penny would have been mad that Sheldon thought so little of her. "No, Sheldon, I wouldn't. I'd help you to be ready."

Sheldon didn't think he'd ever be ready and so he pointed out what he saw as a stumbling block. "But I'm not boyfriend material. I know I'm not like other guys you date, and I'm certainly nothing like Kurt."

"You mean you're not a rude pig who cheats on me?"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

Penny cupped his face. "Sheldon, you might not have the perfect body and you might be a little cuckoo sometimes, but inside you're really very sweet and it's time I had a little sweet in my life."

Sheldon had watched enough movies to know what came next. "Are you going to kiss me now?"

Penny took this an invitation and said, "Yes, Sheldon, I am."

His heart feeling as though it was going to jump out of his chest, Sheldon closed his eyes as Penny leaned forward and lightly caressed his mouth with hers.

When her tongue brushed against his closed lips, rather than pulling away as he had done on the plane when Penny had done it, Sheldon hesitated before opening his mouth to permit her entrance. Moments later, Penny's tongue darted in and out of Sheldon's mouth, only lingering briefly, as if giving him time to acclimate to the sensation.

Sheldon's hands curled up into fists from nerves as he imitated Penny, although he almost froze as her tongue eventually curled around his, making his fists tighten further and his stomach bunch up.

When he groaned in his throat, Penny broke off the kiss and opened her eyes to see that Sheldon was looking at her as if he didn't recognize her.

"Sheldon, are you okay?"

"I don't know," Sheldon murmured. "That was… that was… that was…" And then he fell silent.

"Oh God, I've broken you," Penny exclaimed, taking Sheldon's hand and patting it. "Sheldon, sweetie, it's okay." When he said nothing, she let go of his hand and got to her feet. "I'll make you a hot beverage."

Sheldon was still sitting in the same position when Penny returned with his hot tea and honey. "Here you go."

Sheldon took it without speaking, saying nothing until he had finished his drink. "Penny?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Are you my real girlfriend now?"

"Would you like me to be?"

Sheldon remembered the mind-numbing kiss he had just shared and nodded. "I think so."

"Then I'm your real girlfriend."

"Okay, I think I'll go to bed now."

Penny hugged herself as Sheldon left the room, before whispering, "I'm Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend." She then gave a screech of laughter and said out loud, "I'm Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend."

His hearing picking up Penny's words and her cackle of laughter, Sheldon shook his head and said, "And she calls _me_ crazy!"


	10. The Exemplary Boyfriend Exploration

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 10: The Exemplary Boyfriend Exploration**

Penny woke up and, although she had been full of excitement the previous night, now she was full of apprehension. Would Sheldon change his mind? Would he hate her for kissing him? Would he want her to kiss him again?

And so, for the first time in her life, Penny discovered she was actually terrified about facing a man who she hadn't had sex with the night before. She therefore lay in bed until after the time she knew that Sheldon usually left for work.

After brushing her teeth, Penny padded into the kitchen, where she spotted Sheldon still in his pajamas, standing facing the range in the kitchen, although he didn't appear to be cooking anything or even moving. Worried, she gently tapped his arm.

Sheldon screamed, his bowl of cereal flying into the air, splattering him and the range in milk and what looked like Big Bran. "Good grief, Penny, you startled me."

"What happened to that Vulcan hearing of yours?"

"I don't have Vulcan hearing," Sheldon said, grabbing a roll of kitchen towel to mop up the mess he'd just made. "I just wish I had it, and to answer your question my mind was somewhere else."

"Shouldn't the rest of your body be somewhere else with it?"

Giving Penny a withering look, Sheldon laughed his breathy laugh, although it wasn't filled with amusement but with sarcasm.

"Very droll."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Well that's probably has to go on record as being the shortest ever honeymoon period in a relationship."

"I beg your pardon."

"Nothing," Penny said. "Why are you here?"

"I was up all night, and so I told Raj that he would have to cover for me today."

Penny now believed that Sheldon wasn't feeling well _and_ that it was her fault, since, having been in a foul mood when she'd left the University after her abortive lunch date, she had deliberately bought Thai food on a Tuesday.

"It was because I bought Thai food twice, wasn't it?"

Sheldon stopped his mopping up and gave her the second withering look of the morning.

"Penny, while you may have upset my digestive system somewhat, hence the Big Bran cereal on a Wednesday morning, having Thai food for two nights in a row wouldn't have kept me up all night."

"Then you regret becoming my real boyfriend," Penny said in a dull voice.

"Stop guessing when it's palpable you have no idea what I was doing," Sheldon said, dumping the milky towels into the trash before diving under the sink to grab spray to finish the job.

"Well, you weren't making yourself happy," Penny commented, Sheldon's tone more than a little snippy.

"No, I was trying to discover what to do to make you happy," Sheldon said, straightening up. "I've been researching on the internet as to what makes an exemplary boyfriend."

"You obviously didn't find very good websites," Penny remarked, reaching for the coffee pot.

"I found a website that said you should put on coffee ready for your girlfriend if she's not a morning person," Sheldon remarked pointedly as he sanitized the area he had just wiped clear of milk.

It was then that Penny realized that the coffee pot should have been empty. "You made coffee for me?"

"I thought that would have been apparent since you didn't make it and there's nobody else here except for me."

"It's also apparent that someone should have been in bed getting his beauty sleep rather than sitting up surfing the web."

"I was doing it for your benefit," Sheldon said, his tone telling Penny that he was upset by her comment.

Penny took a mouthful of her coffee and backed off a little. "Well, you're off to a good start with the coffee."

"Thank you, Penny," Sheldon said, a little mollified by Penny's effort to be nice. "The websites said you should listen to your girlfriend and be attentive to her needs, and so I shall make every effort to follow their instructions. May I fix you breakfast?"

Penny was tempted to say yes, but she wasn't looking for Sheldon to turn into a doormat. "Sheldon, did these websites also tell you that you should also have a life of your own?"

"Yes, but being attentive ranked higher."

Penny put down her mug. "Sheldon, you can't base a relationship on a website."

"But I don't know how else to move forward in the relationship. I have no point of reference."

"Didn't you notice what Leonard did when he was dating Stephanie?"

"Yes, she called, he went running and then they had coitus."

"So that isn't going to work," Penny said, not even bothering to ask about Leslie Winkle and her previous brief encounter with Leonard. "Nobody else?"

Sheldon also omitted Leslie Winkle. "Leonard's abortive relationship with Joyce Kim was far too brief to learn anything from, and he simply snuck around a great deal when he was having coitus with Priya Koothrappali."

"He slept with Raj's sister?"

"Four years ago," Sheldon said, with a disapproving look on his face. "After he had made a pinky swear with Howard not to do so."

"You guys make pinky swears?"

"Yes, it's a time-honored tradition."

Penny didn't say it was usually amongst kids and asked, "So how did you find out about Priya?"

"I saw her sneaking out of Leonard's bedroom."

"So did you tell Raj?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said, looking down at his hands rather than at Penny. "He would probably have had to challenge Leonard to a duel for defiling his sister, and I didn't want to have to find a new roommate if Raj killed him."

Penny read between the lines. "You mean Raj never asked."

"Yes," Sheldon admitted. "You know I can't keep a secret."

"So Leonard's always been a rat bastard."

"It would seem that way."

"Nice to know," Penny said, filing the information away. She took another mouthful of coffee. "This is really good."

"Again, thank you." Sheldon then yawned widely.

"I think it's time for someone to go back to bed." When Sheldon's eyes widened in alarm, Penny added, "Sheldon, I meant for you to go alone. I have to get ready to go to work."

"You need to eat breakfast before you go."

"I'll grab something on the run."

"But that's not good for your digestive system, and…"

"And here's your first tip for a successful relationship… don't tell me what I should and shouldn't be eating," Penny said, keeping her voice low and gentle. "It's nice that you care but I had to listen that crap coming from my mother when I was growing up and I don't need it from my boyfriend."

Sheldon, however, was determined to be a good boyfriend. "Then what do you need?"

"Coitus would be a good start."

Sheldon visibly twitched. "Penny, I…"

"Sheldon, I know you're not ready for that yet," Penny interrupted a little grumpily, still not entirely awake herself. "Go back to bed."

"But it's not my bedtime."

"Then stay up," Penny said, padding back towards the coffee pot. "I have to get to work."

"Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"If you feel the need to kiss me before you leave, please first make sure you brush your teeth, gargle and floss."

Penny decided not to respond to that. When she returned from getting ready, she noticed Sheldon was fast asleep in his spot, the TV playing an episode of Star Trek. Leaving it on, she dropped a quick kiss on Sheldon's nose before covering him up and leaving the apartment.

* * *

_The Cheesecake Factory_

Bernadette couldn't miss how happy Penny looked. "Someone looks as though she had a visit in the night."

Penny snorted. "I wish."

"Then why the happy face?"

"Because I'm really going out with Sheldon."

"I don't understand."

Penny quickly filled Bernadette in on the truth. "I've felt awful keeping the truth from you."

"So you should," Bernadette said in a peevish voice, before asking, "You really like Sheldon?"

"Yeah."

"Even though you know you won't get any sex from him?"

"Yeah."

"You must be in love then," Bernadette said.

"No, I'm not… Oh God, yes I am," Penny said, dropping her head into hands. "How could this happen? I've barely even kissed him!"

"Perhaps it's because you've taken it so slowly," Bernadette said. "Anyway, I always think you should make them wait for your sugar, at least until the third date."

"I doubt I'll be getting any sugar from Sheldon even after the thirtieth date," Penny lamented. "What am I doing?"

"Falling in love with a madman."

Penny couldn't deny it, and not wanting to think too hard about Sheldon, she said, "Speaking of madmen, how did your date with Raj go last night?"

Bernadette sighed. "Great, we're already at third base."

Penny was shocked. "Third base?"

"We only used a little tongue," Bernadette protested when she saw the look of surprise on Penny's face.

Penny groaned, "God, not you as well."

"Sorry?"

"Sheldon told his mother that he had gotten to third base with me," Penny said. "But he'd hardly made first until last night."

"He'd only held your hand?"

Penny didn't bother with a long-winded explanation, simply stating, "Bernadette, I don't know what people have been telling you but first base is kissing, second is fondling, third is a hand or mouth job, and a home run is having sex."

Conscious that if anyone would know for certain what the bases meant, it would be Penny, and so Bernadette gave a screech. "Matthew Groves told me that third base was kissing! I told everyone at school I'd gone to third base with him."

"Were you popular?"

"Yes, but I could never figure out why."

"I think they were all hoping for a home run," Penny said, before shaking her head. "At least I think I know where Sheldon got the idea about third base being kissing."

"I'm going to kill Raj," Bernadette said, a head of steam building. "He must have known what I told him at the party wasn't right."

"I'd say yes, but he was drunk and he probably didn't want to do anything to upset you. He's not exactly great with women."

The head of steam dissipated just as quickly as it had arrived. "Why not? He's a cutie-pie."

Penny decided not to list why not and instead asked, "So does this mean you're going on a third date with him?"

"Yes, but I'm going to stick to my own version of bases."

Penny grinned at Bernadette's punishment. "How many do you have?"

"Fifteen."

Penny laughed. "It'll take him a month just to get to feel your boob."

"It'll still be quicker than Sheldon," Bernadette giggled.

"Sheldon's convinced he's already made second base," Penny revealed. "He copped a feel when he was helping me get dressed when I dislocated my shoulder."

"I'm surprised he didn't run screaming from your apartment."

"He was kind of a knight in shining armor," Penny said, thinking back. "Which come to think of it isn't anything like Sheldon."

"Perhaps he liked you even then."

Penny shrugged. "I doubt it. He's barely coping with it now." She checked her watch. "Damn it, we need to get moving but before we do is there any chance you can cover a couple of shifts for me on the 26th and 27th? I'm going to Texas with Sheldon for his family Christmas."

Bernadette would have said something more than yes if she'd had time but their pre-shift coffee break had come to an end and their boss was looking right at them. "Sure."

* * *

_Three Days Before Christmas_

Penny looked around the small bedroom on the train. "You're actually letting me share?"

"They didn't have any other availability," Sheldon said, putting down his bags and pulling out a small plastic container from one of them.

"Whatcha doing?"

"I'm going to clean the bathroom," Sheldon said as he extracted a pair of rubber gloves, a bag of wipes and spray from the plastic container. "I'll have to use it in the morning when I have my bowel movement, and I'm not placing my posterior on a non-sanitized toilet seat."

Not wanting to get into a discussion about Sheldon's digestive system, Penny dove into her own bag and pulled out a square box. "Here, I got these for you in my lunch break."

Sheldon's face broke into a huge smile as he took the box of toilet seat covers from Penny. "That's very thoughtful of you, Penny. Have you also been reading the websites about how to have a successful relationship?"

"No, I just know you, Sheldon," Penny said in a dry voice, before saying, "And you've got to stop surfing the web to try to find out how to be a good boyfriend."

"But I've told you. I don't know how to do it for real," Sheldon griped. "Holding hands with you in public is an entirely matter from being a boyfriend behind closed doors. I need some sort of guidelines."

"Look, Sheldon, forget about the internet and guidelines. If you do something that pisses me off, then I'll tell you," Penny promised. "Until then, just roll with the punches."

"I find it hard to do that," Sheldon admitted.

"Just try."

"Very well," Sheldon said, before picking up his cleaning tools again. "I still have to clean the bathroom."

Deciding she had done everything she could, Penny simply let Sheldon get on with it, shoving her overnight bag to one side and, yawning, she began to tug out her nightshirt. Then she took off her clothes before pulling on the nightshirt and sliding into bed.

Coming out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Sheldon gave a shriek. "Penny, what are you doing?"

"I'm about to try to get some sleep."

"But that's my bed."

Penny glanced up at the narrow bunk bed above her head. "If you think I'm sleeping up there, you can think again. I've pulled a double shift at the Cheesecake Factory so that I can make this trip, so if you have problem with where I'm sleeping, you know where the top bunk is." She rose up onto her knees. "Now give me a goodnight kiss."

"But you haven't brushed your teeth."

Grumbling, Penny slid back out of bed, grabbed her bag and began to brush her teeth. Deciding she might as well also use the toilet, she did so before returning, washing her hands and finally gargling. "Satisfied?"

"Did you wipe the toilet clean?"

"Yes."

"And put the seat down before you flushed?"

"Yes, and washed my hands and wiped the sink after gargling. Do I get my goodnight kiss now?"

Although he kissed Penny when she demanded, Sheldon still had to be pushed to do so, and quite often threw up roadblocks as he was trying to do now.

"You haven't flossed."

Penny had had enough. "Sheldon, if you don't kiss me now, then I'll wait until the middle of the night, climb on top of you and stick my tongue down your throat!"

Well aware that Penny would probably do as she threatened, Sheldon leant forward and pecked Penny on the lips. "Well, goodnight then."

"Uh, uh," Penny said, grabbing Sheldon by his tee-shirt and pulling him closer. "That's not a kiss. I want a proper kiss."

"Very well, but no tongue!" Sheldon warned, leaning forward and covering Penny's mouth with his.

Penny kept the kiss light before letting him go. "Goodnight, Sheldon."

"Goodnight, Penny."

Penny's journey into the arms of Orpheus was delayed by the sounds of Sheldon huffing and puffing, and banging and tugging. And, after listening to it for five minutes, Penny rolled over and sat up. "Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?"

"Finding things to use as a bolster to put between us," Sheldon said, stuffing his jacket inside of a very long pillow case he had taken out from his bag.

"You're joking, right?"

"Did you hear me say Bazinga after my declaration?"

"No."

"Then I'm not joking."

Sheldon looked down in dissatisfaction at his handiwork and said, "It's a pity I didn't have a bundling bag to sew you into; this would have been so much easier."

"Huh?"

"Puritans used bundling bags during cold weather to prevent couples from having coitus when they were courting," Sheldon explained as he grabbed one of the pillows off of the top bunk and shoved it into the top of his makeshift bolster.

"Couldn't they have just put them in different rooms?"

"There was usually little room and heat was at a premium. There, that should suffice," Sheldon said as, now satisfied, he pushed his makeshift bolster onto the bed between him and Penny.

"Sheldon, I think it's a bit late to be bothered about my virtue."

"It wasn't your virtue I was concerned about."

"Sheldon, I've already said I'll wait until you're ready."

"I just don't want you getting carried away in the night. It's been a while since you last had coitus."

"I'm not some nympho who can't go four months without sex!"

"It's better to be safe than sorry," Sheldon said as he picked up his bag and rummaged through it. "Hello, train pajamas."

This distracted Penny somewhat. "You have train pajamas?"

"Yes, look."

This time the pajamas were literally train pajamas, the motif of a cartoon train covering them liberally.

"Thomas the Tank Engine?"

"Yes, he's one of my favorites."

Sheldon gave the pajamas a look filled with pleasure before he placed them carefully on the bed. Then, grabbing a towel, he followed his usual nighttime dental routine using the small sink that was in the bedroom area of the compartment, before heading into the bathroom and using it.

With the noise of Sheldon moving around and the constant sound of running water, Penny wasn't anywhere nearer to getting any sleep. "Are you coming to bed or are you going to drain the train dry of water?"

"Penny, do you know how much…" Sheldon trailed off at the glare that was coming from Penny. "No talking about trains."

"Correct. Just get into bed."

"I can't get into bed until I've put my pajamas on." He remained standing where he was as Penny continued to watch him. "You have to close your eyes."

"I thought the hero always peeked."

"You're no hero and I don't have a soup tattoo to peek at."

"It's not soup!"

"Of course it's not," Sheldon said smugly. "Now close your eyes."

Too tired to get into an argument, Penny did as Sheldon asked, before kicking out at the bolster when he told her she could open her eyes again. "Do we really need this in the bed?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, climbing into bed and tugging on his blinders. "Goodnight, and please do your best to keep the noise down."

Penny fought against the urge to smother Sheldon with his bolster and instead said, "Night." Two minutes later she was asleep.

* * *

_Texas_

Penny felt like a circus freak on display when she walked through the door of Mary Cooper's home, multiple eyes fixed upon her. "Um, hello."

"Come in, Penny," Mary said, putting her arm around her after hugging Sheldon. "Did you have a good journey?"

"Not bad," Penny said. "Although it would have been better if every time I rolled over in the night I hadn't had a giant boulder in the middle of us."

"It was a bolster, and if you didn't like it then you should have slept on the top bunk as I told you to," Sheldon said.

"Whatever," Penny said, her mouth dropping down slightly at the sight of a drop dead gorgeous, tall, dark haired man with a few days' growth on his chin coming towards her.

Sheldon did the introductions. "Penny, this is my brother, George. Those men there are, I presume, his friends. Friends of George, George, this is my girlfriend, Penny."

"Are you sure she's real?" George asked rather than saying hello, although his two friends both lifted their hands in greeting before returning their attention to the TV.

"Hey!" Penny exclaimed as George prodded her, her initial surprise at George's good looks vanishing under indignation.

Missy, Sheldon's sister, slapped the hand away. "You'll have to forgive my brother. He was insistent that Shelly had either made you or you didn't exist, even though I said I'd already met you."

"She could be one of those animiwotsit things they have in the Walk of Presidents at Disney."

Sheldon sighed. "How you ever graduated is beyond me. The term is animatronics, and it's the _Hall_ of Presidents."

"Show off!"

Sheldon turned to Mary. "Mom, tell George to stop calling me names!"

"George, stop picking on your brother. Sheldon, stop showing off."

"But, Mom…" came from both men.

"Shelly, George, do we have to have a serious talk?"

"No, Mom," was the echoed response.

"Good. If you'll all play nicely together, I'll go make us all some tea."

When Mary left the room, George prodded Penny again. "You sure she's real?"

Sheldon scowled. "Yes, George, she's real!"

Penny gave a yelp as George prodded her yet again despite Sheldon's assurance. "Geez, look I'm real."

"But Shelly's never had a girlfriend, at least not a real one."

"I've never had an imaginary one either," Sheldon told his brother.

"That's because even your imaginary friends didn't fancy you," George said, circling Penny.

Sheldon stepped in front of his brother. "Just leave her alone, George."

George, however, was still having a hard time believing Penny was real. "Does she take batteries?"

"No, George, she doesn't," Missy said, grabbing Penny's arm. "Let me show where you'll be staying. Mom put you with me in my old room."

Penny thought Missy's room cute and was about to say so when she noticed that Missy was staring at her in a calculating manner. "I am real."

"I know but what I don't know is what the hell you think you're doing with my Shelly."

"I'm dating him."

"But you could have anyone," Missy said, her arms folded across her chest. "And we both know that Shelly isn't exactly your type."

"No, he's not," Penny admitted. "And he's pretty close to being barking mad but he's also sweet, kind and he doesn't simply want to screw me."

Missy still wasn't entirely convinced. "That might be but I saw how you looked at George."

"Missy, I'd never sleep with one brother…" Penny hesitated and then said, "I'll be honest. I did it with my high school boyfriend, but that was only because I had to break the news to him that I'd slept with his brother and I didn't know how else to soften the blow."

"Just don't hurt Shelly like that. He might act all clever and as if he doesn't care, but he does," Missy said softly. "He used to cry himself to sleep when George picked on him because Shelly was cleverer than George. Then again, Shelly's probably cleverer than all of my family put together."

"You're not stupid."

"Next to Shelly I am, as my mother puts it, as dumb as soup."

"No, you're not," Penny said, recognizing that in her own way Missy was as vulnerable as Sheldon. "Sheldon just makes everybody else feel that way. I don't know why he even wants to go out with me. Sheldon probably thinks I'm as a dumb as soup too."

"Well, aren't we just our own pity party?" Missy said, watching Penny's face turn glum. "I think we should talk about something else, but Penny, even though I know you probably want to kill him sometimes, please be gentle with my brother."

"Don't worry, I will," Penny said, before asking, "Are we good now?"

"We're good," Missy said, opening the door. "Let's go have some tea."

Penny would rather have had a large glass of wine, but aware of Mary Cooper's feelings about alcohol, she merely smiled and followed Missy out.


	11. The Meemaw Dissension

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 11: The Meemaw Dissension**

It was obvious Sheldon was excited as he greeted Penny. "Penny, good morning. You're in for a real treat today."

"No more museums," Penny warned as she reached for the coffee pot.

"But the Galveston Railroad Museum is one of the five largest in the country," Sheldon protested. "And I don't understand how anybody wouldn't enjoy spending the afternoon there. The fifteen minute journey on the vintage MoPac 13895 is an absolutely delightful excursion."

Missy grinned at Penny as she said, "Sheldon, honey, Penny doesn't give a hoot and a half about trains."

"I don't even give a hoot," Penny said after taking a mouthful of coffee. "So what's this real treat?"

Sheldon clapped his hands much as an excited child would. "Meemaw is coming."

Missy had thought their grandmother wouldn't arrive back from her cruise until after Penny and Sheldon had left. "Holy crap on a cracker!"

Sheldon pursed his lips in disapproval at his sister. "Well, I know from who you've picked up that idiom."

Penny smirked and said, "I'm missing something, aren't I?"

Missy nodded. "Gran thinks the moon and the sun rise and set over Sheldon and vice versa."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing," Sheldon interjected. "Missy's just jealous because she and Meemaw don't have pet names for each other."

"Oh, I have a pet name for Gran alright," Missy said in a dry voice. "It's just that nobody except me and George would like it."

"You mean…"

"Yep," Missy interrupted. "Gran can be meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes."

"Oh crap!"

"Don't listen to her," Sheldon said, topping up Penny's coffee for her. "You and Meemaw are going to love each other."

* * *

It was late that afternoon when Meemaw arrived. Penny, who was sitting by the window reading a magazine, said to Missy, "She looks sorta sweet."

"Don't let the snowy white hair fool you," Missy said, rolling her eyes as Sheldon put his fingers to his temples and glared at her. "And, Shelly, that never works."

"One day it will and then you'll be sorry."

The argument was brief and ended when Meemaw swept in. "Where's my little Moonpie?"

"I'm right here, Meemaw," Sheldon said with a happy smile.

"You've grown so much I almost didn't recognize you," Meemaw said in a gay voice. "How about a hug for your Meemaw?"

Sheldon duly gave his grandmother a brief and awkward hug. Once she had been released, Meemaw gave Missy, who was wearing her Fuddruckers' uniform, a disapproving look. "I see you're still serving at that place."

"I like it, Gran."

"It's time you got a real job," Meemaw said in a disgruntled voice, before smiling at Sheldon. "A job like my little Moonpie has."

"But I don't want to be a rocket scientist," Missy said, well aware it would insult Sheldon.

"I am not a rocket scientist!" Sheldon said in annoyance. "I told you last time I'm a theoretical physicist."

"Gee, so you did and I'm still calling you a rocket scientist. I wonder why."

Mary walked in carrying Meemaw's suitcase. "Stop fighting you two."

Meemaw glanced over at Penny, who was beginning to see what Missy meant about Meemaw.

"So who's this?"

"Meemaw, this is my girlfriend, Penny."

"I'm real pleased to meet you," Meemaw said, holding out her hand.

Penny shook it. "Likewise, Mrs…?"

"Just call me Meemaw."

Penny decided that maybe she had been wrong about Meemaw, until she overheard Meemaw speaking to Mary as she was led into the guestroom.

"It's never going to last, she looks just like that blonde floozy of a barmaid who got her claws into your George."

"Great, first I'm a robot and now I'm whore," Penny murmured under her breath to Missy.

"I told you," Missy said just as quietly. "You're after her favorite grandchild, her Moonpie, and nobody is ever going to be good enough for Shelly... well, at least as far as Meemaw's concerned."

"So what do I do?"

"Drink," Missy said with a wry smile. "It's what I do."

"But your mother doesn't allow alcohol in the house."

"Sugar, where there's a will there's a way, and believe me I know of plenty of ways of getting liquor into this house."

Coming back out of the bedroom, Meemaw said to Sheldon, "So what do you have planned for me to do today, my little Moonpie?"

Sheldon peevishly answered, "I wanted to go to the Galveston Railroad Museum this afternoon but Penny doesn't want to go."

Penny decided she was going to take Missy's advice about the booze. "I'll give you a twenty. I'm in."

"She doesn't know what she's missing," Meemaw said, missing Penny's comment to Missy. "If that's where my Moonpie wants to go, then that's where we'll go."

"And can we go to the Rainforest Café afterwards?" Sheldon asked excitedly.

"Of course we can."

Sheldon beamed at Penny. "They let me choose off the children's menu. They said I'm a special boy."

"Yeah, you're special alright," Penny muttered.

"So that's settled, we're going to the Museum," Meemaw announced. "Penny, can I persuade you to change your mind?"

"Sure, why not, I've done everything else Sheldon's wanted this holiday."

"No, you haven't," Sheldon argued. "We didn't go anywhere on December 25th."

"That's because it was Christmas Day!"

"I know what day it was, and I wanted to visit Moody Gardens but you said no."

"That's because we'd already been to see the Drilling Rig Museum, the plane Museum, the sea thingy museum and…"

"Penny, it was the Ocean…"

"Sheldon, I don't give a..." Penny decided she had better change what she had been about to say. "I don't care about what the places were really called."

"Well, I think correct names are important," Meemaw said, smiling at Sheldon.

"Thank you, Meemaw."

Afraid Penny was going to blow, Missy beckoned to her. "Come with me."

Penny was praying Missy already had alcohol in the house. She did.

After two shots of vodka, Penny felt much better. "I'm surprised your mom let's you get away with this."

"I told her I use it to get rid of my smelly feet," Missy said. "Her thinking I'm as dumb as soup also helps."

"Whatever works." Penny lifted up her glass. "Hit me."

It was a relief to discover Meemaw had fallen asleep on Penny's return and the trip to the Railroad Museum cancelled, much to Penny's delight and Sheldon's chagrin. Missy agreed to return after her shift at Fuddruckers to help ferry everyone to the Rainforest Café, George having lost his license for speeding.

* * *

When they arrived at the Cafe, Penny climbed out of Missy's car and walked over to Sheldon, who was holding open the door for his grandmother. "How's it going, Moonpie?"

Sheldon frowned at Penny and reminded her, "No-one calls me Moonpie but my Meemaw."

"Right, of course no-one does," Penny said as she stepped back to allow a beaming Meemaw to get out of the car.

"Don't the two of you have special names for each other?" Meemaw asked in a sugary sweet voice.

"I used to have special names for her before she moved in with me," Sheldon said, able to think of several unsavory names he had used to describe Penny and her bad habit of stealing the internet.

However, Meemaw stopped Sheldon in his tracks with her shocked, "You ate supper before you said grace?"

"Huh?" Penny said.

"And they call me stupid," George guffawed.

"At least I didn't think the Large Hadron Collider was some sort of amusement park ride," Penny countered, making Sheldon snigger.

Missy answered the question. "No, Gran, they're not living in sin. Penny shares Shelly's apartment but she has her own room."

"Oh, so she's his girl friend, not his girlfriend."

"No, I'm his girlfriend, one word," Penny said, taking some pleasure in seeing disapproval on Meemaw's face.

"But you don't sleep in Shelly's room?"

"No, Meemaw, she doesn't," Sheldon said firmly. "Nobody sleeps in my room but me."

This settled, Meemaw let Sheldon help her into the restaurant, Penny pulling a face at her from behind and making Missy smother a laugh.

Dinner didn't go any better and by the end of it, after listening to Meemaw make snide digs about her, Penny was silently fuming, both at Meemaw, and at Sheldon for not sticking up for her.

As they were leaving, Penny's anger at Sheldon was to be abated as he groaned, "Anyone but him."

Penny glanced at the large, muscular man who was coming towards them. "Who is it?"

"Todd Hunter, one of the neighbor kids who made my life hell," Sheldon said, his voice filled with rancor.

"He's smiling."

"He always used to do that right before he gave me a wedgie and stole my lunch money."

Todd politely tipped his hat to the females he knew in the party. "Mrs. Cooper, Missy, Ma'am."

"I'll take your grandmother home," Mary said. "Sheldon, play nice."

"Mom…"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Yes, Mom."

Todd meanwhile was giving Penny the once over before shaking hands with George and then finally addressing Sheldon.

"Well, well, if it isn't Smelly Pooper."

"My name is Sheldon Cooper," Sheldon corrected.

"Not according to every wall in Johnson Elementary School it isn't," Todd said.

"Most of which incorrectly spelt my name," Sheldon informed Penny.

"Figures that would piss you off most."

Todd wondered who Penny was. "Missy, aren't you going to introduce me to this little lady?"

Missy smiled in an acidic manner. "This is Penny, Shelly's girlfriend."

"No way!" Todd exclaimed.

"Yes way," Sheldon said, not liking the way Todd was staring at Penny, and so he put his arm around Penny's waist. "She's with me."

"Come on, Pooper, don't lie. The only way you could ever get a girl is if you paid for her."

"If another person calls me a whore, I swear I'm going to go all junior rodeo on them," Penny barked out.

"She's feisty," Todd said, nodding his head in approval.

"I think she's a robot," George offered up.

"Well, if she is, she has the prettiest…" Todd's eyes dropped to Penny's breasts, "...eyes I've ever seen on a robot."

Penny shrugged Sheldon off, and thrusting her purse at Missy, she said, "That's it."

"No, Penny," Sheldon said, moving in front of his girlfriend. "In Texas a man stands up for his gal." He pointed at the door. "Outside."

"Sheldon…"

"No," Sheldon said, although his voice was trembling. "I've let Hunter be mean to me all of my life. I'm not going to let him be rude to you."

Todd laughed. "I'm shakin' like a skinny dog tryin' to pass a peach pit."

Missy translated for Penny. "Scared." She then touched her brother's arm. "Shelly, he'll make mincemeat of you, sugar."

"I've boxed on the Wii," Sheldon said, shaking off Missy's arm. "I know what I'm doing."

Having seen Sheldon boxing on the Wii, Penny tried to dissuade him as well. "Sheldon, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters, Penny," Sheldon said, rolling up his sleeves and putting up his fists.

When Penny tried to protest again, George stopped her. "Just let him do it. We can mop him up afterwards."

"We'll begin on the count of one: three, two, one."

Todd simply stood there while Sheldon took a swing at him, missed completely and hit the wall. Sheldon screamed out in pain and grasped his hand.

"I think I broke it," Sheldon said, whimpering, before seeing blood on his knuckles. "Oh dear Lord, blood." He then fainted.

"Well that showed me, Pooper," Todd said, before winking at Penny. "If you want to try out a real man, here's my number."

"And here's a number from me," Penny said as she moved forward, acting as if she was going to take his business card, instead stamping on Todd's foot with her heel. "That's for being mean to Sheldon." She then kneed him in the groin. "And that's for calling me a whore!"

George knelt down as Todd doubled up and fell to the ground. "Told you she was a robot."

Missy meanwhile was also kneeling down, only by Sheldon. "Shelly, come on." She then tapped his face. "Shelly, wake up."

Sheldon came to, screaming, "Danger! Danger!"

"It's okay, sugar, Penny took care of Todd," Missy said as she helped Sheldon to his feet. "I think we need to get you to a hospital." She then tilted Sheldon's head up. "No, don't look at your hand. I don't want you passing out again."

* * *

At the hospital it was announced that Sheldon had fractured a bone in his hand. When he was released, he was smiling dreamily as he let Penny take his uninjured hand and lead him to the car.

On their arrival home, unsurprisingly Meemaw was the first to hurry over to check on Sheldon. "My poor little Moonpie."

"I'm not little. I'm a hero," Sheldon said in a drugged daze.

"I know you are. Now let's get you to bed and I'll sing Soft Kitty to you," Meemaw said.

Sheldon shook his head and tightened his grip on Penny's hand. "No, I want Penny to tuck me in and sing Soft Kitty to me."

Penny couldn't resist flinging a triumphant smile at Meemaw. "Of course I'll sing Soft Kitty."

"His room is the second on the right," Mary said, unsure if Penny had been in it or not.

"She can't go in there. My Moonpie sleeps alone."

"Mama, Shelly is in no state to do anything immoral, and besides I trust my boy."

"Thank you, Mommy," Sheldon said dreamily. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

"Penny, his nightlight is on the left as you walk in."

"Thanks, Mrs. Cooper."

Once in Sheldon's room, Sheldon let Penny find his pajamas and then sat quietly on the bed as she began to carefully remove the tee-shirt that he was wearing.

"Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Aren't you going to sing Soft Kitty to me?"

"When you're in bed."

"Okay."

"Lay back."

Sheldon did as he was told, Penny unlacing his shoes and tugging off his socks before she reached up and unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants. "Lift up."

Sheldon lifted and Penny tugged off his trousers, shaking her head at his white briefs. "Oh brother, they have to go."

"I know," Sheldon said, not getting what Penny meant. "I don't ever sleep in my underwear."

"Well, tonight you're going to," Penny said quickly before Sheldon could attempt to try and remove his briefs. "Let's get you into your pajamas."

Thankfully Sheldon was too high to complain and let Penny dress him before she said, "Do you need the bathroom?"

"No."

"Then into bed."

Once in the bed, Sheldon said, "Tuck me in and sing to me."

So, after pulling up the covers under Sheldon's armpits, Penny began to sing his favorite song. "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur, Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Purr, purr, purr." She then leant over and kissed Sheldon on his forehead. "Goodnight."

"Stay with me," Sheldon demanded. "My head feels all wibbly wobbly."

"Is that a scientific term?" Penny couldn't resist asking.

"Of course it is," Sheldon said, not able to think straight. "Penny, I'm cold."

"I'll get you a blanket."

"Want a snuggle."

"Sheldon, you don't like being touched."

"Snuggle me!"

Sheldon's demand came out as a childish shout and, sighing, Penny kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed with Sheldon.

"If your mother drags me to church for this before we leave tomorrow, I swear I'm going to kill you."

"Can't kill me," Sheldon said, his voice slightly slurred. "I'm your hero."

"If you say so."

"I do."

Penny slipped her arm around his waist. "Is this okay?"

Sheldon put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her down so that she was lying on his chest. "Better. All snuggly now."

"Goodnight, Sheldon."

"Goodnight, Penny. I love you."

Penny stiffened, before she relaxed and said to herself, "Penny, it's just the drugs."

"You're taking drugs?" Sheldon asked sleepily. "Me too."

* * *

Penny woke up at the sound of a door being opened and Mary looking in. "Sorry, he wanted to snuggle."

Mary closed the door and slipped in, walking over to check on Sheldon, despite Penny's presence. "It's just fine, Penny. The only time he's gets upset and clingy is when he's in pain or really sick. I remember when he kept being sick when he was just knee-high to a grasshopper and we had to take him to hospital; he clung to me like a tick on a sheep's back. His Daddy almost had to crowbar him off."

"He is clinging rather tightly," Penny said, trying to shift Sheldon's hand off her hip.

"Good luck with moving that hand," Mary said, as she felt Sheldon's head. "No fever. If you need anything during the night, I'll be down the hall."

* * *

As Sheldon started to wake up, he realized that there was something warm in his bed. Opening his eyes, he discovered his face had grown blonde hair and he screamed out loud.

Penny came to with a start, sitting up. "What the hell?"

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said with relief. "I thought I'd become excessively hirsute."

"Her suit?"

"Hirsute, covered with hair, bushy…"

"I get it," Penny said grumpily.

"Why are you in my room?"

"You asked me to stay."

"I did?"

"Yes, Sheldon, you did."

He would have argued about it but he had more pressing needs. "I need the bathroom."

"Can you manage?"

"Even with a fractured metacarpal I'm more than capable of urinating alone," Sheldon said, sliding out of his bed.

"And he's back to normal."

Ten minutes later, Sheldon came out of the bathroom. "What time is it?"

"Eight. Do you feel up to going home today?"

"Yes, but I was thinking of asking Meemaw…"

"No."

"But I might need looking after."

"You've broken a tiny bone in your hand and besides, you haven't given 48 hours notice as per the roommate agreement."

Sheldon's mouth twitched, but Penny had him over a barrel. "Okay. Now get out. I need to get dressed."

Penny knew she'd upset Sheldon but she didn't care. She'd rather let Leonard move back in than have Meemaw to stay. "I'll send your mother in to help you finish packing."

"Thank you," Sheldon said, rather stiffly.

* * *

Sheldon said little during the journey to catch the train, although Meemaw made up for it, sniffing into her handkerchief that she'd gotten to spend so little time with her precious grandson.

Penny was, quite frankly, relieved to say goodbye to everyone and board the train, but after two hours of Sheldon saying absolutely nothing to her, her relief had turned to anger. "Spit it out, Sheldon."

"I don't want to spit anything out," Sheldon said, sounding disgusted. "It wouldn't be sanitary."

"Then I'll say it," Penny said. "Sheldon, I don't like your Meemaw and she doesn't like me."

"Of course she likes you. You heard her say she was pleased to meet you."

"I also heard her say I was a whore!"

"She said you resembled the floozy who my father was having an affair with," Sheldon corrected.

"So you heard that?" Sheldon had been on the other side of the room, unlike Penny.

"My hearing is more exceptional than most."

This simply infuriated Penny all the more. "Then why the hell didn't you say anything?"

"Why would I? The floozy was blonde – you're blonde; she was a sort of waitress – you're a waitress."

"But I'm not having an affair with your father."

"No, but you're dating me, a member of the Cooper family."

"Which just makes Meemaw hate me more."

Sheldon disagreed. "You're wrong, Penny. She likes you. I saw her smiling at you at dinner when I was returning from the restroom."

"She was asking if they provided free condoms where I worked."

"She was merely concerned about your safety."

"When I said no, she asked if I supply my own!"

Sheldon again had a good answer. "She was probably concerned about _my_ safety."

Now Penny knew why Sheldon hadn't stuck up for her. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"That she honestly doesn't like me," Penny said. "Sheldon, I know you had it tough as a kid and that she was probably the only person there for you, but you have to realize that she's not all sugar and spice."

Sheldon, however, was stubborn where his beloved grandmother was concerned. "I'm sorry you don't like Meemaw but I definitely know she likes you."

"Surprise me," Penny said in a sarcastic voice. "Tell me she thinks I'm the best thing that ever happened to her Moonpie."

"But you're not, obtaining my first PhD at age 16 was, so that would be a lie."

"Thanks a bunch, Sheldon."

"You're welcome, Penny," Sheldon said, not realizing it was sarcasm as Penny was smiling at him. "And I know that Meemaw likes you because she said she's looking forward to seeing you when she comes to stay next week."

"What?"

"I invited her to stay when we were saying goodbye."

"For how long?"

"A month."

"No."

"You can't say no," Sheldon said. "I'm giving you more than 48 hours' notice."

"Then I'm going to tell Raj that I want to swap apartments while she's here."

"You can't do that."

"Sheldon, I'm willing to put up with a lot because I l… care a lot about you, but I'm sorry, your Meemaw is the straw that broke the camel's back."

"So you're breaking up with me?"

"You just told me I wasn't the best thing that ever happened to you. What do you expect?"

"I expect that you'd want me to tell you the truth. I thought that was what good boyfriends did."

Penny blew out her breath at the honestly earnest look on Sheldon's face. "You're right, they do."

"So do you still want to break up with me?"

"I suppose not, but I also don't want to deal with your grandmother."

"If you would..."

"No."

"But..."

"No, Sheldon."

Sheldon then spoke quickly so that Penny couldn't butt in. "But you haven't let me finish."

"And I'm not going to."

"Then I believe we're at an impasse."

"I believe we are."

They then ignored each other.

* * *

Later that night, Penny was curled up on the top bunk when Sheldon's voice come floating up. "Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"My hand hurts."

"Then get something for it."

"I can't undo the bottles."

Penny slowly climbed down the ladder and grabbed the tablets off the small table in the room before picking up a bottle of water from the small case she had put on the floor. She then waited until Sheldon had taken his tablet before saying, "Goodnight then."

"Penny?"

Penny's "Yes, Sheldon" was rather short.

"My hand really hurts. Will you sing Soft Kitty to me?"

"No, you're not sick."

"In pain is a kind of sick."

"No."

"Then will you sit down here with me until I go to sleep?"

"I'm tired, Sheldon."

"Then will you lie down here with me until I go to sleep?"

Penny sighed and said, "Okay."

"My pillowcase is on the top of the blue bag."

"Pillowcase?"

"For a bolster."

"No bolster," Penny said. "Last night you wanted to snuggle with me."

"I find that difficult to believe."

"Not as difficult as I find going out with you," Penny snapped.

"So you do want to break up with me!"

"Sheldon, no, but I'd like, just for once, to have a normal relationship."

Hearing the tears in Penny's voice, Sheldon relented a little. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let you lie on the bed next to me without a bolster."

"I want to snuggle," Penny said in a voice as petulant as Sheldon's could sometimes be.

"No."

"Then sleep well."

Sheldon didn't want to admit to wanting Penny next to him and grumpily said, "If you insist."

"I do," Penny said, shuffling so that she was under his arm and leaning on his chest. "Goodnight, Sheldon."

"Goodnight, Penny."

Two minutes later Sheldon said, "Penny?"

"Sheldon?"

"Will you at least try to get along with Meemaw?"

"Fine," Penny said, listening to Sheldon's heartbeat as she lay on his chest. "But I'm not promising anything."

"I know and thank you."

Two days after Meemaw moved in, Penny told Sheldon she was moving out.

**Next time: Meemaw sets Sheldon up on a blind date.**


	12. The Ersatz Date Misstep

**Disclaimer: ****Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 12: The Ersatz Date Misstep**

_Day Two_

"So you're really breaking up with me?"

"No, but I think we should take a break."

Sheldon knew by now what taking a break meant. "So is this going to be like that infernal Friends you keep watching? We'll take a break and you'll have coitus with someone else because you're mad at me."

"I'm not Ross," Penny protested. "And you and I have never slept with each other for me to be able to sleep with someone else after you!"

"We have slept together," Sheldon pointed out.

"You know very well I meant sex."

"I know nothing of the sort," Sheldon said in a vexed voice. "I'm a theoretical physicist, not a mind reader."

Penny completely missed the inference to Star Trek. "I know that but I still think we should take a break while you get your priorities straight."

"My priorities are straight."

"If you think that then I don't think it's even worth taking a break."

"So we're good?"

"No, Sheldon, it means that I think we should break up."

"But I don't want to break up," Sheldon pouted.

Penny's head hurt and, deep down, she really didn't want to break up with Sheldon. "Fine, we'll take a break instead."

* * *

Meemaw knocked on Penny's open door to see she was packing. "May I come in?"

"Yes," Penny said, having a few things she wanted to say in private to Meemaw. "Close the door."

Meemaw did so before saying, "Shelly tells me you two are taking a break."

"That should make you happy."

"Yes, it does," Meemaw admitted. "But it's not because I don't like you."

"Well, you could have fooled me," Penny said as she put down the tee-shirts she had been about to pack and turned to face Meemaw. "You decided I was a floozy before you even got to know me and after telling me you were pleased to meet me!"

"I was pleased to meet you. I wanted to see if you were as big a slut as Shelly's letters said you were."

This took the wind out of Penny's sails somewhat. "Sheldon said I was a slut?"

"No, he said his neighbor Penny dated a lot of men. When Mary told me on the way to her house that you were his former neighbor, I didn't have to be as bright as Shelly to put two and two together and come up with four."

"So because I've dated a lot of men that automatically means I've slept with all of them?" Penny asked. "Just who the hell do you think you are?"

"Someone who cares about my family."

"Yeah, it sure looked like it when you were slagging off Missy for being a waitress."

"She could be so much more."

"Perhaps she doesn't want to be because then she might have to put up with your interfering."

"I don't have to take this from you."

"Then leave. You know where the door is."

Meemaw shook her head. "No, I'd much prefer for you to go."

"I was going to but I think I've changed my mind," Penny said sweetly. "Now get out of my room. I do believe you've outstayed your welcome."

Meemaw held up her head and stalked out.

* * *

_Day Ten_

"Penny?"

"Sheldon?"

"I have a nice surprise for you."

Penny smiled happily at Sheldon. "What is it?"

"Meemaw is going to start doing all the housework."

As much Penny disliked Meemaw, she thought this a little bit much. "Sheldon, she's an old woman."

Meemaw's voice came wafting along the corridor from the living room. "I hardly regard myself as an old woman."

"At least I know now where you got the Vulcan hearing from," Penny muttered.

"I heard that."

Over the week Penny had begun to realize where Sheldon got a lot of his traits from but in Sheldon they seemed childlike and, although annoying, they certainly weren't deliberately petty, which was more than Penny could say for Meemaw.

"It's nothing that isn't true," Penny retorted as she walked into the front room. "I'm quite capable of doing my own cleaning."

Sheldon coughed and muttered, "Not in this universe you're not."

"I do my own cleaning," Penny reiterated, more than a little pissed at Sheldon for his comment, "in this universe or in any other and I don't need your grandmother doing it for me."

"I was just trying to help," Meemaw protested. "You've been pulling extra shifts at the Cheesecake Factory and I thought you might be tired."

After the battle she had had keeping Meemaw out of the kitchen, Penny wasn't about to do it again with the cleaning, and besides, she hated cleaning. She therefore walked over to the fridge and unpinned a sheet, which she shoved into Meemaw's hand. "Fine, if you want to clean, be my guest. This is Sheldon's list of everything he likes done. Good luck with it."

Meemaw gave a pleased smile as she surveyed the list. "I see you've remembered everything I taught you, Shelly."

"I should have guessed," Penny said, her mouth puckering up into a tight line.

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness," Meemaw reminded her.

"Yeah, but Sheldon doesn't believe in God," Penny countered.

"No, but he believes in being clean," Meemaw said, before she smiled at Sheldon. "I think as a reward I'll make some raisin oatmeal cookies for you."

Sheldon turned to Penny. "You're in for a real treat."

"So you keep telling me but I've yet to see it," Penny said, her lips tightening until they almost disappeared. "I'm going out."

* * *

Raj headed for the fridge the moment Penny stormed in, pulling out a bottle of beer and handing her one, before unfastening two more for himself and Bernadette, and taking a swig from one. "That bad?"

"I swear you're going to see me on Cops if that woman doesn't go."

"The offer to stay in my spare room still stands," Bernadette reminded Penny.

"I told the she-devil that I wouldn't move out."

"Well, not to sound unsympathetic but I hope you make Sheldon do something with her soon," Raj said as he sat down next to Bernadette. "He keeps bringing her to work with him and it's driving me insane."

"Try living with her," Penny grumbled.

"At least she doesn't call you 'the help'," Raj countered.

"No, she calls me 'the slut'!"

"She was really sweet to me," Bernadette revealed. "When she discovered I was trying to get my doctorate, she kept trying to push me at Sheldon that day she and Sheldon came into the Cheesecake Factory."

"She was nice to you because she thinks you're on Sheldon's level."

"But I'm a doctor too," Raj complained. "And I have a bigger desk than Sheldon, or I did until Meemaw made us swap over."

"Isn't there some Indian voodoo you can do on her?" Penny asked desperately.

"Normally I'd complain about your prejudiced comment but if there was, believe me I'd have done it by now."

"Why don't you offer Sheldon a little sugar if he throws her out? Maybe take him to next base," Bernadette suggested, giving Raj a suggestive smile. "It's how I got Raj to talk to me without alcohol."

Raj nodded in agreement. "I can now squeak her name if I try really hard."

"It might work for you but it took a broken bone in Sheldon's hand and drugs to get him to cuddle up with me without wanting to put a bolster in between us."

"Can't you break his hand again?" Raj asked hopefully.

"Nice idea, but no."

"You could just break a little bone," Raj suggested, before his face fell. "But you're not going to, are you?"

"No. All I want is for this month to be over and for things to get back to normal, but I'm not sure they ever will if Sheldon continues to choose his grandmother over me," Penny said in a dismal voice.

"Of course he'll pick you," Bernadette said, squeezing Penny's hand.

"But what if he doesn't?" Penny asked. "What if Sheldon chooses his precious Meemaw?"

"Then I'll break the bone for you," Raj offered.

Penny smiled and got up, kissing his cheek on the way out. "Thanks. I'd better go back."

"See you tomorrow," Bernadette said as the door closed behind Penny. "I don't envy her."

"What about me? I have to put up with that woman too."

"I can do something to you to cheer you up that I can't do for Penny."

Raj's face lit up. "Such as?"

Bernadette whispered something in his ear. "So what do you think?"

Raj's answer was to pull Bernadette on top of him and kiss her soundly.

* * *

_Day Fourteen_

Penny sat down in front of the TV and switched it on, only for Meemaw to lift a hand to her head and weakly say, "I have a terrible headache. Do you think you could turn the TV off?"

"Of course she'll switch it off, Meemaw," Sheldon assured his grandmother.

Penny deliberately turned the sound up, took the batteries out of the remote and then walked out.

Meemaw stopped Sheldon from switching the television off. "Perhaps my head isn't so bad. If you could lower the volume for me, I'll watch Jeopardy I think."

A few minutes later Penny walked back in with her purse in her hand, prompting Sheldon to ask, "Where are you going?"

"To the comic bookstore."

"I want to go."

Penny shrugged. "Sure."

"I think I'll go too."

"I'm sorry but the seat belts in the back seat of my car don't work properly," Penny lied, her smile sugary sweet. "I'd hate for anything to happen to you."

"I'm sure they can't be that bad," Meemaw said, smiling just as sweetly back.

"Oh, they are," Sheldon said, unwittingly helping Penny along. "Even though she got the engine fixed, her car is a potential death trap and health hazard."

"Then perhaps you shouldn't go either. I don't know how I'd ever explain to Mary that you'd been hurt."

Sheldon's face went through a myriad of emotions, hope of going to the comic bookstore, worry at the frightened look on his grandmother's face that he might actually go, and sadness because he knew he had to refuse. "Meemaw is right, Penny. Perhaps we should wait until you've had all of the seat belts checked."

"Great idea," Penny said in a voice filled with sarcasm.

Sheldon as usual didn't hear it. "Thank you, Penny. Would you like to watch Jeopardy with us instead?"

Penny shook her head. "I think I'll go to my room and listen to some music."

"Do keep it down, dear," Meemaw said. "We'd like to be able to hear the TV."

"Screw this," Penny said as she turned on her heel and headed towards the front door.

"I thought you weren't going to the comic bookstore because of the seat belts," Sheldon said.

"I wasn't but I've changed my mind."

"She's very indecisive, Shelly," Meemaw said in a disapproving voice. "I don't know how you deal with it."

"Sometimes neither do I," Sheldon murmured, shaking his head as Penny started to close the front door.

It was totally the last straw for Penny and she turned around and marched back into the living room.

"As I said, indecisive," Meemaw murmured.

"Well, get a load of this for indecisive," Penny said to Meemaw, before turning to Sheldon. "Sheldon, pick right now. It's me or Meemaw."

Sheldon stared blankly at Penny. "You or Meemaw for what?"

"How the hell you ever got a PhD baffles me," Penny said in exasperation.

"I actually have two, and I would have thought their acquisition simple to comprehend, even for someone with an educational background such as yours…" Sheldon began, only for Penny to interrupt him.

"Sheldon, don't even go there. What I'm saying is that either she leaves this apartment or I do."

"Why do I have to pick?" Sheldon's voice had risen slightly as panic began to set in.

"Because Meemaw doesn't like me and I don't like her," Penny said, laying her cards on the table. "I think she's a manipulative bully and she thinks I'm a whore thanks to you."

"But I never said that," Sheldon said. "I'd remember if I did."

"I know you would. You've got an idiot memory."

"It's eidetic."

"I know what I meant," Penny said, before going on, "And, no, you didn't say it, but you wrote in your letters to your precious Meemaw that I've "dated" a lot of guys."

"But I wasn't lying," Sheldon said. "Historically, you have dated a lot of guys."

"And if you don't shut up, you're going to be history too," Penny barked out, her head beginning to ache. "So pick, Sheldon, me or her."

Sheldon was now like a trapped deer, his head swiveling from side to side without any seeing any way out. "But you can't ask me to pick. Meemaw is family and you're my girlfriend."

"Then I'm taking a break, Sheldon," Penny said in a sad voice. "I'm sorry but until you get those priorities we talked about straight, this relationship is a little like that snowflake you gave me, permanently frozen."

"It's not frozen, it's encased…" Sheldon's voice died away as Penny stomped off through the front door, slamming it hard enough to make everything shake.

* * *

_Day Twenty-One_

Meemaw picked up the packet of high fiber cereal to put into the cart, only for Sheldon to shake his head. "I don't like that one."

"Shelly, it's the same as the brand you buy except cheaper."

"No, it's not, the fiber pieces are square and not round," Sheldon complained. "I like round pieces."

"They all look the same when they come out the other end."

Sheldon, however, was stubborn. "I want round cereal!"

Meemaw swapped the cereal over. "Is that better?"

"Yes."

"As long as my Moonpie is happy."

"I'm not," Sheldon said as he walked down the aisle. "I miss Penny's cooking. She doesn't make lumpy oatmeal."

"It wasn't lumpy."

"I found two lumps in it yesterday," Sheldon said, nitpicking. "Penny's oatmeal never has any lumps in it."

"Then I'll make sure that there are no lumps tomorrow."

"I only have oatmeal on a Monday," Sheldon said in a voice filled with exasperation. "Tomorrow is free choice cereal day and I'm going to have Big Bran."

"But you had that today."

"I haven't had a bowel movement since Penny left and I need the extra fiber."

"I'll buy you some syrup of figs."

Sheldon shuddered. "I'll stick to Big Bran."

"Moonpie, your Meemaw knows best."

Sheldon pursed his lips and shook his head. "But I don't want syrup of figs."

"Shelly, I…" Meemaw broke off as a woman stopped in front of her.

"Well if it isn't Annabelle Lee," the woman declared.

"Josephine Hardcastle," Meemaw said in return. "My, my, it's been over fifty years since I last saw you."

"Right before you moved to Galveston to get married."

"So it was." Meemaw then remembered Sheldon. "Josephine, this is my youngest grandson, Sheldon, who I'm staying with while he recovers from a fractured hand."

Sheldon smiled politely but ignored the outstretched hand. "I don't shake hands."

"Of course not, you're hurt," Josephine said, before pulling out a notebook from her purse and speaking to Meemaw again. "While you're here, Annabelle, we have to do lunch and catch up if you're free on Friday at one. I know just the place." She then scribbled down some information. "I've included my number if you can't make it. Must dash."

Meemaw handed the paper to Sheldon as Josephine hurried off. "Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, but I don't eat there."

"Wouldn't you like to eat there?"

"Not really," Sheldon said, his mind back on his shopping as he thought about Josephine and her wanting to shake his hand. "I need some hand sanitizer."

"You have several bottles in the bathroom."

"You can never have enough hand sanitizer," Sheldon said, before pointing. "This way, it's in aisle thirteen."

* * *

_Day Thirty-One_

Bernadette tried to cheer Penny up. Sheldon had just broken the news by phone that his Meemaw was staying for another month. "We could go out dancing."

"I'm too tired."

"How about going out for dinner? You have to eat. We could have Chinese. I know a wonderful place."

Her stomach rumbling, Penny reluctantly agreed.

Across town, Sheldon was putting up more of a fight. "I don't want to go to Yang Chow. I want to get takeout and play games with Raj."

"And I want you to meet Josephine's granddaughter."

Sheldon had no idea about his grandmother's plans and asked, "Why?"

"Because she's a scientist, just like you."

Sheldon still didn't get what Meemaw was trying to do. "So?"

"I thought you might like someone to talk to who is a peer."

Sheldon snorted. "Meemaw, unless she's a genius, then she can't be my peer."

Meemaw tried a slightly different tack. "Wouldn't you like to meet a nice, clever girl?"

"No, why would I? I meet plenty of fairly clever girls every day at work, although I have no idea if they're nice or not."

Meemaw resorted to bribery. "If you come with me, tomorrow night I'll cook fried chicken."

Sheldon wavered, his mouth watering but he shook his head. "Saturday isn't fried chicken night."

"And I'll make a potato salad to go with it."

"German style?"

"Of course."

"And can we have peach cobbler for dessert?"

Meemaw knew she'd won now. "Anything you want."

"Then I suppose I'll go," Sheldon said begrudgingly. "But I reserve the right to ignore scientist girl."

"Just be polite."

"I'm always polite."

"Of course you are, Moonpie," Meemaw said, rubbing her temples. "Would you call a cab?"

* * *

At the restaurant, Sheldon politely stood up when Meemaw's friend, Josephine, arrived, a resentful looking bespectacled dark-haired young woman following her. "Hello, Annabelle, Sheldon, this is my granddaughter, Amy."

Sheldon nodded politely as he had promised his grandmother he would do. "I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

Josephine gave Annabelle a nod and said, "Well, we'll leave you two alone."

"But…" was all Sheldon got out before the two elderly women hurried away.

"I do believe we've been set up," Amy remarked, before shrugging. "At least this means that I've filled my quota for dating this year."

"I don't consider this a date," Sheldon said, scowling in the direction of the door where his grandmother had just exited through. "I consider it an ambush."

"I am still going to consider it a date," Amy declared. "My mother requires me to date once a year; sitting and eating a meal with you will cover that stipulation."

Sheldon knew only too well about promises to mothers. "I too have a similar requirement, although mine involves visiting a church and praying to a deity I don't believe in."

"So have you fulfilled that requirement this year?"

"No, and I barely squeaked in last year with a Christmas Eve visit when I was in Texas."

"So you find such visits demeaning?"

"No, I find them pointless, somewhat like this evening," Sheldon said, before looking gratefully over Amy's shoulder. "The waiter is coming this way. We should tell him that we won't require the table after all."

Amy surprised Sheldon with her response. "We might. If you agree that this is a date and swear that to my mother, I'd be happy to reciprocate and lie to your mother about visiting church."

"But you don't know her and she lives in Texas."

"I'm willing to sign an affidavit to the effect you went."

"Well, I am a notary public and could authenticate it," Sheldon mused before shaking his head. "No, it wouldn't work. My mother would somehow still know it was a lie."

"Of course she wouldn't."

Sheldon ignored the waiter to say, "I once sabotaged my sister's Easy Bake Oven and even though I swore I hadn't done it, my mother somehow knew I had." Sheldon frowned. "Then again, in retrospect, perhaps the fact that I left some partially destroyed evidence inside of it might have given me away. Nevertheless, even without leavig evidence, I just know she'd find out."

"Perhaps there is something else I could offer in exchange?"

"I sincerely doubt that unless you have any limited edition Batman comics that I don't."

"No, but I have Scholarpedia: Computational Neuroscience if you'd like to read that."

"You're a neurobiologist?"

"Yes."

"What were our grandmothers thinking?" Sheldon said in dismay.

"What field are you in?" Amy asked curiously.

"I'm a theoretical physicist."

"You're right, what were they thinking," Amy muttered, before saying, "But I'd still like to use you for this date."

"I don't think so." Sheldon rose to his feet.

"I have a fridge full of Yoo-hoo," Amy said desperately, blurting out the only thing else that came to mind.

Sheldon hesitated. "Well, it is difficult to say no to that offer, but if I agree, it will be an ersatz date only, and I'm only doing this because I too understand the hardship of the pressure a mother can place upon a person."

"Shall we shake on it?"

"I don't shake hands, and I have one final proviso. I want to leave here and eat at the Golden Dragon instead."

"Agreed," Amy said, rising to her feet. "And I want to let you know that, even though this date has only come into being because of a situation formulated by our respective well meaning but dim-witted grandmothers, all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table."

"I should hope so. Let's go."

Sheldon had just reached the door when it opened to reveal a very familiar blonde. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

"Eating," Penny said, glancing at Amy. "And what are you doing here?"

"He's on a date with me," Amy responded. "But we're going to the Golden Dragon to eat."

"Real nice, Ross!" Penny snarled, before turning and walking out.

Sheldon hurried out after her, calling out, "But I haven't had coitus with her."

Penny turned around. "Dating someone else when you're on a break is as bad as having sex with her, Sheldon."

"But…" Sheldon spluttered, intending to explain about the mix-up.

"I don't want to hear it," Penny said, tears welling up in her eyes. "And you can forget the break. We're over."

"Shame on you!" Bernadette hissed as she scurried past Sheldon to get into Penny's car with her friend.

Totally unaffected by the situation, Amy walked over to Sheldon as the car screeched away. "Are we going to the Golden Dragon now?"

"I'm not hungry," Sheldon said, his appetite gone.

"You can always watch while I eat," Amy offered, still hopeful of fulfilling her mother's requirement so early in the year. "And we did come to an agreement."

"I suppose," Sheldon said in a dismal voice, before adding yet another proviso. "But only if you drive me home afterwards. I don't have my bus pants with me and it's sometimes difficult to get a cab there at this time of night."

Amy nodded towards the car park. "This way."

* * *

After they had both used the restroom to wash their hands, Amy asked, "Why were you on a break with your girlfriend?"

"I invited my Meemaw to stay, and Penny thought Meemaw hated her because she's a whore, so she said we were on a break and moved out," Sheldon said, plucking at the paper napkin he had taken out of the holder.

"Is she a whore?"

"As far as I know she's never been paid for coitus," Sheldon responded. "So I would have to go with no."

"So why not simply tell her that you don't want to be on a break?"

"Because she said I had to get my priorities straight," Sheldon said, his face showing his confusion. "I think she meant I had to ask Meemaw to leave but I couldn't do that. Although I don't suppose it matters now. She broke up with me because I'm on a fake date with you."

"So you're not going to fight for her?" Amy asked.

"Do women like that?" Sheldon asked uncertainly.

"I don't know," Amy said, shrugging. "I've never really been involved with a man before, except for my annual date."

"I'll Google it," Sheldon decided.

"A wise idea. I think I should eat now." Amy looked delighted as she reviewed the food choices on offer. "Are you sure I cannot persuade you to join me? The food looks and smells delicious, although the proof will be in the eating. I once endured food poisoning after eating a similarly delicious looking meal."

Sheldon's stomach rumbled at the smell of food and he changed his mind about eating, before saying, "I too have endured a similar ordeal in the past but I can assure you that the food here meets health standards. I obtained the last health report."

"That is most reassuring," Amy said, loading up her plate from the buffet.

"What are you drinking?" Sheldon asked as they returned to their table.

"Tepid water," Amy said, pulling a thermometer out of her bag and dipping it into her glass of water. "95 degrees, excellent. Most restaurants don't get it right. I may have to include this restaurant on my culinary delights list."

"You keep lists?"

"Yes, don't you?"

"Yes, I do, although my eidetic memory makes the necessity somewhat moot."

"Then why keep them?"

"To show others when they ask," Sheldon said, sniffing his food appreciatively. "And to keep a permanent record in case, heaven forbid, I should die and my genius be lost."

"You believe you're a genius?"

"I know I'm a genius," Sheldon said in a snotty voice.

"What's your IQ?"

"187, although it cannot truly be measured by standard tests. Yours?"

Amy told him and Sheldon gave her a nod. "At least yours is higher than Leonard Hofstadter's."

"Who?"

"My back-stabbing roommate," Sheldon said, his brow furrowing. "He ruined my one chance at obtaining a Nobel Prize and I'm formulating my revenge against him."

"How?"

So Sheldon told Amy what he had told nobody else, and she nodded. "An expensive but nevertheless interesting way to take revenge. I approve."

"Why thank you, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

"You can simply call me Amy," Amy said. "If I may call you Sheldon."

"Even though I doubt we'll see each other again after tonight, I believe that would be acceptable."

"I need to stop talking now and eat my dinner before it gets cold," Amy said, disliking cold food. "We can talk afterwards."

"I don't see what we have to talk about, but again, that would be acceptable."

When the meal ended, Sheldon pulled out his wallet, although Amy protested. "I'm well aware from reading the websites as to what makes a good boyfriend and, for this to qualify as a date, even an ersatz date, the man should pay for dinner. It will also provide the necessary proof should your mother require it."

"On the limited data I have been able to assimilate so far, I do believe you would make a good boyfriend, Sheldon."

"Why, thank you, Amy," Sheldon said, before his face fell as he thought about Penny. "But it isn't you I need to persuade."

"Well, should you fail to persuade your flaxen haired beauty that you are meant for her, I would be happy to provide a single date next year," Amy offered.

"Unlike you I don't have to fulfill such a requirement," Sheldon said. "But thank you all the same."

"Then I will collect the Yoo-hoo and drive you home."

* * *

As they arrived at his apartment block, Sheldon unclipped his seat buckle. "It's nice to have ridden in such a clean and well maintained car."

"If you should like to ride in it again, don't forget I will be free again next year," Amy reiterated, handing Sheldon her card. "This is my number."

"You may keep the card," Sheldon said, after glancing at it. "I'll remember your number."

"If only every boy who had said that to me had been telling the truth," Amy lamented.

"How many didn't?"

"All of them except for you," Amy said sadly. "If you truly have an eidetic memory, then you won't be able to forget my number."

"I do truly possess such a thing, although your number will be consigned to a lesser used part of my brain as it's of no real use to me as I don't foresee us meeting again," Sheldon said bluntly. "So goodnight, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Goodnight, Sheldon Cooper," Amy said, before waiting until the door had closed and then gently pulling away from the curb, not once looking back.

Sheldon patted his case of Yoo-hoo and headed upstairs, where he found his grandmother waiting for him.

"Shelly, how did your evening go?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Sheldon said, walking straight past his grandmother and down the corridor into Penny's bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he cracked open a bottle of Yoo-hoo and said to himself, "I'm going to drown my sorrows in Yoo-hoo instead."

When Meemaw went to check on him, she discovered the entire case had been emptied and Sheldon was fast asleep, lying on Penny's bed and clutching to him a teddy Penny had yet to collect.

**Next time: Sheldon seeks help.**


	13. The Pit of Rehoth Expectation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 13: The Pit of Rehoth Expectation**

While Sheldon was drowning his sorrows in Yoo-hoo, Penny was taking another mouthful of wine directly from her second bottle, tears streaming down her cheeks. "How could he?"

"I don't know," Raj said, taking the bottle that Penny passed to him and taking a swig out of it.

"But you're a man," pointed out Penny.

"I know but this is Sheldon we're talking about," Raj said. "I found it hard to believe when you said you two were dating but discovering that Sheldon has managed to pick up two girlfriends in one year is beyond me."

"He's right, Penny," Bernadette said, shuddering as the warm white wine went down as she took her turn. "In the strange and unusual world of Sheldon Cooper, one girl is amazing, but two qualifies as a miracle."

"Perhaps Mary Cooper's praying has worked out," Penny sobbed. "She does enough of it."

"I'm sure she'd be praying in your corner," Bernadette said in a consoling voice. "That other girl wasn't half as pretty as you."

"Do you really think that?" Penny asked, her skin all blotchy from crying and covered in black from the mascara that had run down her cheeks.

"You know I do."

"Hello, good buddies," Howard said as he walked in. His bright smile vanished at the sight of Penny. "Did somebody die?"

"Sheldon, if I get my way," Penny said bitterly. "He cheated on me."

"No!"

"Yes," Raj confirmed. "Bernadette saw it with her own eyes. Sheldon has another girl."

"Is she hot?"

Bernadette slapped Howard on the arm. "You're disgusting. Penny's upset and you're asking about the other girl."

"Hey, as a single guy I'm honor bound to pursue all lines of enquiry," Howard said, before taking Penny's hand. "Is there anything I can do for you, ma chère amie?"

"Yes, you can get your hands off her," Bernadette said, not liking Howard at all.

Penny proved how drunk she was by saying, "He's not bothering me."

Raj promptly grabbed Howard by the arm and pulled him over to the other side of the room as Bernadette slapped Penny.

Rubbing her arm, Penny said, "That hurt!"

"It was supposed to. Have you lost your mind? Sheldon I could vaguely understand but letting Howard 'Sleazebag' Wolowitz touch you is a glass of wine too far."

On the other side of the room, Raj was taking Howard to task. "Howard, I forbid you to take advantage of Penny. She's just like the Good Wife and in a very vulnerable place right now."

"Come on, Raj!" Howard whined. "You can't really expect me not to jump at the chance of doing the horizontal bop with Penny."

"Yes, I do if you wish to remain friends."

"You can't mean that."

"Yes, I can," Raj said, glancing over Howard's shoulder. "I've finally reached fourteenth base with Bernadette, and I'm not going to let you screw up my chances of scoring a home run just because you want to shag the desperate drunk chick."

"You really think she's that desperate?"

Suddenly Penny blurted out loudly, "I'm going to be sick."

Howard was both impressed and appalled as Penny managed to hurtle over the island and reach the sink in time to be sick in it.

Penny looked up as she finished vomiting, remnants of her activity covering her chin.

"It's so sad I'm still attracted to her even looking that like that."

"Howard!" Raj warned.

"Fine, I'll back off, although I could have taken her to paradise and back."

However, Penny's momentary drunken lapse had come to an end and she wept, "But I want Sheldon to take me to paradise and now it's never going to happen." Penny put her head into hands, slid down the cupboards and collapsed into a heap on the floor, crying even harder.

"Shouldn't we help her up?" Raj asked when Bernadette did nothing.

"Nah, she'll cry herself to sleep if we leave her alone," Bernadette said, having experienced this side of Penny more than once. "And then she won't try and shag any creepy thing that walks."

"What is this? Pick on Howard Night?"

"In my world it's always Pick on Howard Night," Bernadette informed him.

"I can see where I'm not wanted."

"Close the door on your way out," Bernadette said in a cheerful voice. As the door closed to, she gave a sigh of relief and said, "Thank God he's gone. He really is creepy."

"I can hear you," Howard said from outside of the door.

"You were supposed to," Bernadette screeched. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Bernadette then turned to Raj. "You have to help me get Penny to bed."

Penny's sobs had turned to loud grunting snores.

"Can't we just put a pillow under her head? She's sleeping so soundly."

"No, now help me with her."

Penny came to momentarily as she was helped up. "Sheldon?"

"No, it's Raj."

Penny gave several grunting sobs before snoring again.

"I've never seen anyone snore standing up before," Raj commented as he looped an arm around Penny's waist.

"I've never seen anyone let Howard hit on them before."

"I have but they were all drunk too."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

* * *

Sheldon groaned as he sat on the sofa, watching Doctor Who, his untouched bowl of cereal resting on his knees. "My stomach."

"You drank too much Yoo-hoo, didn't you?" Meemaw said, reaching for the remote control. "Let's switch this rubbish off."

Sheldon's face twitched as he grabbed the remote control. "It's not rubbish. It's Doctor Who and I always watch it on a Saturday morning."

Meemaw hadn't gotten up early enough on previous Saturdays to know this but as she glanced at the screen, she shook her head. "It's a grown man running away from plastic monsters."

Torn between berating his grandmother and being respectful to her, Sheldon struggled for a while before settling on, "You wouldn't understand unless you've seen it."

"Another time perhaps. Now would you please turn it off? I want to talk to you."

Sheldon recognized the implacable look on his grandmother's face and very slowly and reluctantly turned off the television. "What about?"

"I want to talk to you about Amy."

"Why?"

Despite seeing Sheldon curled up on Penny's bed, Meemaw was still optimistic that Sheldon might bend to see things her way. "I was hoping that you might have arranged to see her again."

"But I don't want to see her again," Sheldon said, putting down his bowl of cereal. "I have no interest in any other woman except for Penny."

Meemaw decided to be blunt. "Sheldon, she's totally unsuitable for you and I think it might be better if you broke things off with her. She doesn't like me and that might make things awkward in the future."

"I don't see how. You're going home soon."

"I was thinking of relocating to be closer to you."

For the first time in his life Sheldon experienced a pang of dismay at the idea of his Meemaw wanting to spend time with him. "How much closer?"

"Since you have a spare room, I was thinking I could move in here."

"It's Penny's room," Sheldon said stubbornly, something telling him not to tell his grandmother that he and Penny had actually broken up.

Meemaw sighed heavily. "Very well, but do you have Amy's telephone number? I want to thank her for being so understanding yesterday."

The alarm bell gave another gentle tinkle in Sheldon's head and he apologized, "I'm sorry but I didn't keep her card."

"That's quite alright, I'll ask Josephine to thank her instead."

As Meemaw moved away, Sheldon got up and threw away his soggy cereal, before picking up the remote and switching Doctor Who back on, only for the end titles to be playing. "Darn it!"

* * *

_Later that afternoon_

Sheldon stopped dead as he walked into the apartment to see Amy Farrah Fowler sitting on his sofa. "You're in my spot."

"You have a spot?"

"Yes, and you're sitting in it."

"Shelly, don't be rude to my guest," Meemaw cautioned.

"Sorry, Meemaw," Sheldon said, before saying to Amy, "You're sitting in my spot. _Please_ get out of it."

Amy duly moved and Sheldon frowned as Meemaw headed for the door. "Where are you going?"

"Josephine is waiting downstairs for me. Bye."

Sheldon sighed. "Does she think I'm stupid enough to fall for the same ploy twice?"

"I did," Amy said.

"Yes, but you're not a genius." Sheldon sniffed the fare his grandmother had baked. "I love oatmeal raisin cookies."

"Perhaps you would care to join me and partake?"

"I would," Sheldon said, before shaking his head. "No, that's what she wants me to do." He sniffed the air again. "Oh, they do smell good."

"I won't tell if you do," Amy said encouragingly.

"I'll just have one."

Sheldon was on his third cookie when the door opened and Penny walked in.

At the sight of Amy and Sheldon sitting together on the sofa, she stopped as quickly as Sheldon had a short time earlier. "Didn't waste much time moving her in, did you?"

Sheldon swallowed the last of his cookie before saying, "Please let me explain."

"I was ready to do that," Penny said, her voice trembling. "Bernadette tried to convince me that there must be some good reason why you would be on a date with another woman, but I shouldn't have listened." She then turned and ran down the stairs, leaving the door open.

"Penny! Penny! Penny!" Sheldon yelled, dashing after her, but Penny was a good deal fitter than Sheldon, and he was panting from exhaustion by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs, Penny long gone. "Darn it!"

On returning to the apartment, Sheldon flopped onto the sofa. "I didn't catch her."

"Then call her."

"Why didn't I think of that?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that you're not as clever as you think you are?"

"No, because I am," Sheldon muttered as he took his cell phone out of his pocket and clicked on Penny's number. After the tenth time, he gave up. "She won't take my call."

"Then go to wherever she's staying, knock down the door and demand to see her."

Sheldon shook his head. "Bernadette is scary."

"Bernadette?"

"The little blonde who accompanied Penny on Friday night."

"She didn't look so frightening to me."

"That's because she didn't hiss 'shame on you' at you," Sheldon said, shuddering at the menace he'd seen in Bernadette's eyes. "And her daddy's an ex-policeman."

"Which means he is meant to uphold the law."

"Okay then, Bernadette's a microbiologist," Sheldon offered up. "Now tell me she isn't scary."

"She plays with yeast," Amy scoffed.

"And germ warfare," Sheldon added.

Amy reconsidered her position. "That puts a very different light on things. Perhaps I should go."

"Perhaps you should," Sheldon said. "Goodbye again, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Goodbye, Sheldon Cooper."

* * *

Meemaw had a spring in her step as she re-entered the apartment. "Shelly, did you have a nice visit with Amy?"

"No, Penny turned up."

"I forgot to mention she called to arrange to see you while you were showering this morning."

The faint alarm bells of the morning began to ring again in Sheldon's head. "Did you tell her to come round this afternoon?"

"Yes."

The alarm bells grew louder. "And did you know that Amy would be here?"

"Yes, Josephine arranged it. Shelly, Amy is far more suitable for you, and…"

Sheldon sat down in shock. "So you knew Penny would find Amy here!"

"Of course I knew."

Sheldon looked up at his grandmother. "All this time I thought Penny was wrong and that you liked her. But you don't, do you?"

Meemaw avoided the question. "I'm sure she'll make someone a perfect partner."

"But not me?" Sheldon asked in a dull voice.

"No, Moonpie, not you. I want for you what any loving grandparent would want: a nice girl with prospects to settle down with and raise a family. And I don't think Penny is the right girl for you. Now Amy on the other hand…"

As his grandmother rambled on, Sheldon felt sick inside and he remembered how often Missy had tried to warn him about how manipulative their grandmother could be and he'd ignored her. Now though the truth was staring him in the face and it wasn't a pretty sight. Rising to his feet, Sheldon squared his shoulders and interrupted, saying, "I'd like you to go home, Meemaw."

Unfortunately Meemaw wasn't as easy to remove from the apartment as Ramona Nowitzki, Sheldon's one girl fan club, had been, and Meemaw ignored Sheldon's trembling demand. "It's obvious you're distraught and don't know what you're saying."

"I know exactly what I'm saying," Sheldon said, a little more firmly this time. "And I want you to leave."

"You're in no condition to be left alone, not with a broken hand."

"The plaster comes off in three days."

"You'll still need time to recover after that happens," Meemaw said, heading for Sheldon's room. "I'm not going anywhere until then."

"But I want you to leave," Sheldon bleated, his earlier fire dying down somewhat as his grandmother disappeared from view. "I said…" Sheldon's shoulders drooped, "I want you to leave."

As the door to his bedroom closed behind his grandmother, Sheldon sank back down onto the sofa, not quite sure of what to do and then it hit him.

"I should of thought of it sooner. Perhaps I'm not a genius after all." Then he gave a breathy laugh. "What am I saying? Of course, I am." He pressed speed dial. When the person at the other end picked up, he said, "I need your help."

* * *

_The Next Day_

Penny checked the apartment for any signs of the enemy before turning to Bernadette and saying, "Raj was right. It looks as though the she-devil's gone out."

"If she turns up, I'll draw her fire and you make a break for it," Bernadette said, giggling as she joined Penny in her quest.

"I couldn't do it to you."

"She likes me."

"Then I don't know whether to pity you or not."

Penny rounded the corner of the corridor and gave a scream as she ran into a very tall, warm body.

Not expecting anyone else to be there, Sheldon too gave a scream of fear, before he realized who it was and he excitedly said, "Penny, you came back!"

Penny took a step backwards. "I'm just here to collect some of my stuff but I'll come back when you're not here."

"Don't leave," Sheldon said, blocking the way. "I need to talk to you."

"What about, Sheldon? Your new girlfriend?"

For once Sheldon recognized the sarcasm in Penny's voice but sensibly didn't comment on. "Amy Farrah Fowler is not my girlfriend. We had one ersatz date."

"It looked like two to me."

Bernadette interrupted. "Um, Penny?"

"Yeah?"

"He means they had a pretend date."

"Yeah, right, as if I'd believe that."

"Meemaw set me up," Sheldon said quickly. "I didn't know it was going to be a date. I just thought I was meeting a female scientist."

"Again, how the hell did you get a PhD?" Penny asked. "Sheldon, it must have been obvious it was a date."

"Not at first, it wasn't, at least not to me."

"Then why didn't you leave when it was obvious it was?"

"Because Amy has to date once a year, and she offered me a case of a Yoo-hoo if I'd pretend to go on a date with her so that she could tell her mother she'd fulfilled her obligation."

Bernadette cringed at the look on Penny's face. "Oh dear, this isn't going to end well."

"A case of Yoo-hoo?"

"That was the wrong to say, wasn't it?"

"Hell, yes, Sheldon, it was so very, very wrong and if it was just one pretend date, then why was she here yesterday?"

"Meemaw set me up again."

"And you let her?"

"I didn't know she was going to do it and so I've told her to leave."

"So she's gone?"

Sheldon went red. "She refused to leave. She's gone out shopping for provisions for dinner tonight."

"You must have put up one hell of a fight!"

"Sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm," Penny echoed.

Sheldon hurried to reassure his former girlfriend that things were going to change. "But she should be gone soon. I called Missy."

"And it just gets worse," Bernadette muttered softly.

"Sheldon, I want a man who will stand up for me, and not a little boy who needs his sister to solve his problems. So in future, please don't call me, don't email and don't speak to me if you see me."

"What about tweeting?" Sheldon asked hopefully.

"No, Sheldon, no tweeting."

"Facebook?"

"No, no Facebook and nothing else computer or phone based," Penny clarified. "No contact, nil, nada. Get it?"

When Sheldon sadly nodded, Penny looked pointedly at him. "Now get out of my way. I'd rather just get my stuff and be done with you."

Not knowing what else to do, Sheldon moved and Penny headed into her bedroom, Bernadette behind her.

Together the two girls emptied everything except for the furniture into Raj's apartment.

When they were gone, Sheldon headed into the empty room that had once been Penny's and looked around, spotting the little teddy that was still tucked up in the sheets where he had slept. Picking it up, he held on to it tightly. "I guess it's just me and you now." Then, after taking off his shoes, he lay down on the bed and buried his face in the teddy.

* * *

_The Next Day_

Raj was almost knocked over by Sheldon running up to him as he stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to go to work. "What's the hurry?"

"We have to go, right now," Sheldon said hurriedly, looking worriedly up at the stairs.

"But we're early."

"If you don't, Meemaw will catch up with us."

"Good enough for me," Raj said as he headed towards the doors.

"Shelly?"

Meemaw's voice drifted down the stairs and Raj stopped, his hand on the handle to the external door.

Deciding that it was an emergency and therefore a viable time to break his rule about touching other people, Sheldon grabbed Raj by the scruff of the neck with his good hand. "Don't stop now. Run, fool, run!"

Once inside the car, Raj quickly started it up and pulled away. "What was all that about? Last week you couldn't get enough of her and now you're on the run."

"She sabotaged my relationship with Penny," Sheldon said bluntly. "And then she wouldn't get out when I told her to leave."

"So that was true? You really told your Meemaw to go?"

"Yes, I did and she won't be accompanying us to work anymore."

"Does this mean I get my desk back?"

"No, Meemaw was right about that, I am the senior person in the office and therefore should have the bigger desk."

"I might have known you'd say that."

"Then why waste both of our time by asking?"

When Sheldon fell silent, Raj asked, "So why did you do it, dude?"

Obtuse as he normally was, this time Sheldon knew exactly what Raj was talking about, and instead of answering the question, he responded with one of his own. "Has Penny said anything about me?"

"If you discount 'Sheldon Cooper is a lying, spineless, piece of rat turd who I hope falls into the Deepest Pit of Rehoth', then no, she hasn't."

"But there's no such thing as the Deepest Pit of Rehoth."

"You tell her that then," Raj challenged.

"I'm in enough trouble with Penny as it is," Sheldon said peevishly. "I think it would be very silly of me to do that."

"I think it would better to jump into the Deepest Pit of Rehoth willingly," Raj said, shuddering at how angry Penny had been on her return to Bernadette's apartment.

"So she hates me?"

"I'd have to go with yes."

"How am I going to get her back?"

"I don't know," Raj said, shrugging his shoulders as he bounced over the speed bumps on the road. "I'm still trying to figure out how you got her in the first place."

"That's private."

"Then you're on your own."

* * *

However, Sheldon wasn't on his own for long. Help arrived in the form of his mother and sister just after he got home.

After hugging Sheldon, Mary asked, "Where is she?"

"In my room."

"She'll be ready to go by the time you get back," Mary said assuredly. "Go have some dinner with your sister."

Sheldon turned to Missy. "Where would you like to go?"

"You're actually asking me?" Missy asked in surprise.

"You did come all this way for me, although I didn't know you'd be bringing Mom."

"Sugar, I know my limitations," Missy said, glancing behind her. "Mom will deal with Gran far more efficiently than I ever could."

"I think I need to apologize for not believing you about Meemaw," Sheldon said softly.

"And I think I need a drink if you're going to keep dropping bombshells on me like this, Shelly. You never apologize."

"Yes, I do."

"Only when Mom makes you."

"But I still do it."

"After a fashion."

"Are you going to accept my apology or not?" Sheldon asked, not wanting the bickering to turn into a full blown argument.

"Yes, I am, and now I'd like to go out to eat. You can surprise me again."

Even though it was Thai food night, in deference to his sister, Sheldon chose Gales, a restaurant that served Italian food. And afterward, as Mary had promised, Meemaw was packed and ready to go by the time they returned, although she looked far from happy.

"Well, we're off," Mary said, hugging Sheldon.

"I was simply doing what I thought was best," Meemaw said gruffly as she stood up.

"Penny is what's best for me," Sheldon said, stepping away as his grandmother went to hug him. "Not Amy."

Meemaw shook her head. "Shelly, you have to see that Penny's not…"

Mary butted in. "Don't, Mama. It didn't work with me, and it won't work with Shelly. We both made our choices and you have to respect that, even though it sticks in your craw."

"I wish," Missy muttered silently under her breath.

Luckily Missy kept it quiet enough so that even Meemaw's super hearing didn't pick it up. Even so she stared beadily at her granddaughter. "No doubt, you'll be encouraging him to try to win that girl back."

"Every step of the way," Missy confirmed. "It's why I offered to fly from Texas to come collect you."

Mary decided they had better get going before things blew up. "You two can argue in the car."

Sheldon opened the front door as Missy picked up their grandmother's suitcase. "Can you manage that?"

"If I can't, I'll hurl it down the elevator shaft," Missy said with a smile.

Sheldon gave his grandmother a stiff smile and politely said, "Thank you for taking care of me."

"So no hug?"

"No hug," Sheldon confirmed and he turned to face his mother and sister. "Have a safe trip home."

Mary hugged Sheldon again. "Now don't get fretting about things. Everything will turn out as God intended."

"Mom!" Sheldon protested.

"I know what you think about God, and I know what I believe," Mary said, cupping Sheldon's face. "And I believe God meant for you to be with Penny. Heck, I've prayed hard enough for it."

Sheldon unbent a little. "Mom?"

"Yes, Shelly bean?"

"Pray a little more for me?"

Missy took a step backwards from Sheldon, halting midway in the hug she had been about to give him. "Are you sure you're my brother, Sheldon Cooper, and not some alien pod replacement?"

Mary had obviously heard this plenty of times before, as she simply gave her daughter a fond smile and said, "I can still remember you asking me and your Daddy if Shelly was an alien like Superman, and, if he was, could we give him back. You sure were disappointed when we told you that he was here to stay."

"I wish I was Superman," Sheldon said in a bitter voice. "Then perhaps Penny might like me again."

"Oh, sugar," Missy said, hugging her brother. "She's just upset right now but Penny likes you exactly the way you are. It's weird I know but there you go. Perhaps she's as crazy as you are."

"He's not crazy," Mary reminded her daughter.

"She had me tested," Sheldon added.

"If you need anything, just call," Missy offered, not about to get into that discussion.

Sheldon slipped his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a check. "This is to pay for the airfare."

"Shelly…"

"No, you came because I asked," Sheldon said. "And I know you can't really afford it."

"Then that's sweet," Missy said and leant forward and kissed Sheldon on the cheek. "You really have changed. You'd normally have shied away from letting me kiss you."

"I'm still going to go wash my face as soon as you've gone."

"You'd have been running to wash it straightaway before Penny came into your life," Missy said, giving Sheldon one last hug. "Take care."

After hugging his mother again, Sheldon waved everyone off, closed the door and then hurried off towards the bathroom.

* * *

_Later that night_

Asleep in Penny's former room, Sheldon shot up in bed. He could hear banging at his door. Frightened, he picked up the baseball bat that Penny had somehow forgotten and made his way up the corridor and into the living room.

Walking over to the door he asked shakily, "Who is it?"

"It's me," a gruff voice came back.

"Who's me?"

"Sheldon Cooper, just answer the door or I'm going home."

Sheldon quickly unlatched the bolts and opened the door. "Why are you here?"

"Because you asked for my help."

"But you said you'd rather run naked through the Cheesecake Factory than help me."

The small hooded figure slipped by him and shut the door, before dropping the hood. "That was before Penny threw up in my plant pot and all over my sofa."

"I'm not sure what the correct protocol for dealing with a visit this late at night is," Sheldon said as he turned on the lights in the kitchen. "Do you want some tea?"

"Sheldon, we're supposed to be here to sort Penny out for you, not to have a social visit," Bernadette hissed at him, before smiling and saying, "But I think some tea would be nice."

After Sheldon had made it, Bernadette got straight down to business. "So why do you want Penny back?"

Sheldon had what he thought was the perfect answer. "Because she makes oatmeal without lumps in it."

"I don't think that argument is going to exactly win Penny over, especially after you went out with that girl."

"I didn't know I was doing anything wrong," Sheldon said in defense of his actions. "I was just trying to help Amy."

"Do you have feelings for her?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said dismissively. "She simply needed someone to help her fulfill a promise to her mother. I did it in return for a case of Yoo-hoo, although I know now that that was the wrong thing to do."

"And that's the understatement of the century."

"Actually, I think that the understatement of the century was made by…"

"Does it have anything to do with Penny?" Bernadette interrupted, a scowl on her face.

"No."

"Then I don't need to hear it. My time is limited and I'm already risking my friendship to do this for you."

"I thought you were doing it to save your plants and sofa."

"Well, there is that as well," Bernadette admitted. "But if Penny were ever to find out she'd probably never speak to me again."

"At least she wouldn't want to cast you into the Deepest Pit of Rehoth."

"It was the Darkest, Deepest Pit of Rehoth," Bernadette corrected. "Raj didn't get it quite right."

"Where are they tonight?"

"Penny's sleeping off yet another drunken binge and Raj cried himself to sleep after watching Bridget Jones," Bernadette said, before looking Sheldon squarely in the eye. "But enough about Raj, this is about you. First of all, I need to know if you have feelings for Penny and not just for her oatmeal."

"Yes, of course I do. I like her very much."

"You don't love her?"

"I don't believe in love. It's nothing more than a chemical reaction…"

"Now hold it right there, Sheldon Cooper," Bernadette said, her hand flying up in front of Sheldon's face. "I don't want you to listen to your head. I want you to listen to your heart."

"Should I fetch my stethoscope?"

"I didn't mean literally. I meant think about how Penny makes you feel."

And so Sheldon sat and thought before saying, "I don't know."

"Let's do this differently," Bernadette said after taking an appreciative sip of her perfectly made tea. "You've already said you miss her cereal. So what else do you miss about her?"

"She stacks my pajamas into neat piles."

"This is going to be a long night if we talk about laundry," Bernadette said, before putting down her cup. "Sheldon, I'm going to try it another way. If I told you that you would never, ever be able to see Penny again how would that make you feel?"

"Bad," Sheldon said softly. "As if someone told me I'd never win a Nobel Prize despite my being a genius. And that would be bad, really, really, really bad. End of the world bad. Perhaps even end of the universe bad."

"I get it, Sheldon, it would be bad. Now tell me, did Penny dumping you hurt worse than your failed expedition?"

"It wasn't a failure, it was sabotage," Sheldon bit out.

"Just answer the question!" Bernadette shrilled.

Sheldon shrank back. "I told Amy you were scary."

"And I'll get scarier if you don't answer the question," Bernadette threatened.

"Yes, much worse," Sheldon said hurriedly, touching his stomach. "It hurt right here."

"Don't you mean here?" Bernadette touched his chest where his heart lay.

"No, I know where I mean," Sheldon said, touching his stomach again. "I've had constipation and cramps ever since she dumped me."

"That's good."

"Not from my viewpoint it isn't."

"It tells me that you're truly upset over Penny being gone and because of that…"

"And your sofa."

"And my sofa," Bernadette confirmed, "I will help you in any way I can, and so this is what we're going to do…"

**Next time: Penny discovers she has a secret admirer.**


	14. The Wolowitz Disclosure

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 14: The Wolowitz Disclosure**

Sheldon was actually smiling as he met up with Raj a few days later. "Good morning, Rajesh."

Unused to seeing Sheldon looking so happy, Raj asked, "Should I be worried?"

"Not unless you want to be," Sheldon said as he slid into the car.

"Yesterday you were depressed and today you're smiling," Raj said in a worried voice. "And I know you're not back with Penny, so please tell me this has nothing to with that Amy girl."

"It has nothing to do with that Amy girl," Sheldon confirmed. "I'm happy because I've been asked to put together another team to head to the North Pole."

"How did you manage that?"

"I have no idea," Sheldon said truthfully. "I received an email last night asking if I wanted to try again as the Committee understood that my work had been deliberately sabotaged."

"How do you think they found out?"

"I really don't know, but I'll be gone again for the summer."

"So does this mean you'll bother advertising for a new roommate?"

"No," Sheldon said with a shudder at the thought of having to find a new roommate who wasn't Penny. "I think I'm going to enjoy my time alone."

"So you've given up on Penny?"

"Yes," Sheldon lied, looking out of the window to hide his facial twitch.

"Good, because she is moving back into her old apartment," Raj announced. "She said to tell you that she'll go back to paying her normal rent and get her own internet, as she doesn't want anything from you."

"Tell her if she wants to use the internet the password will be 'Penny can use me for free', no spaces."

"I bet she won't want use it."

"And I bet she will use it within two weeks," Sheldon said smugly, aware that Penny couldn't live with the internet.

"I bet you your Leonard Nimoy napkin and this time there will be no going back."

"I bet you two months of rides wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go."

"A deal unless Bernadette wants to do something," Raj said, having more than just himself to take into consideration. "She is my goddess and I'm not willing to bring her mighty wrath down upon me over a bet."

"She's hardly going to smite you down," Sheldon said, before remembering Bernadette threatening him in his apartment. "But agreed."

He then spent the remainder of the morning humming happily to himself.

"Do you know how scary you look when you do that?" Howard asked as they sat down in the cafeteria to eat lunch.

"I don't care. I'm in a good mood because I'm young, single and on the prowl," Sheldon said.

Before Sheldon could give a breathy laugh, say Bazinga and announce his new expedition, Howard excitedly said, "Well, if you're on the prowl, I know of an excellent club we could go to. Raj has been a wash-out since he hooked up with Bernadette."

"You're only jealous because she's hot and you have no-one," Raj said.

"A bit like the woser here," Kripke's voice came from behind Sheldon. "I hear the lovely Woxanne dumped you."

"At least I've had girlfriend to be able to dump me," Sheldon countered.

Kripke was far from put off. "Can I have her number now that you won't need it?"

"No." Sheldon turned back to the table, only for arch enemies one and two to come walking up to join Kripke.

"It's all over the University, Dumbass. Blondie dumped you."

Hearing Leslie's voice, Raj took a swift swig from a hip flask he had taken to carrying and then leapt to Sheldon's defense. "Only because she thought he was seeing another girl."

Leslie gave a shout of laughter. "I knew she was stupid but dumb enough to believe Dumbass had got someone else, now that's priceless."

"Penny isn't stupid," Sheldon said in annoyance. "And she had an excellent reason to believe I was with someone else. She saw us together."

"Her name is Amy," Raj added.

"And does she require pumping up before he uses her?" Leslie asked.

Sheldon took up his own fight again. "Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler is a neurobiologist who lives here in Pasadena."

"Giving her a full name and background? That's disturbing, even for you," Leonard said.

"I did nothing of the sort," Sheldon said, his brow furrowing. "Amy is a real person."

"Yeah and I'm Batman."

"You can't be Batman," Sheldon said. "You don't have the costume and you're far too short."

"It was sarcasm, Dumbass," Leslie said, before shaking her head. "This is too easy now you haven't got Blondie to fight your battles for you. Come on, Leonard, let's leave him to his dreams of having a real girl."

"Amy is real," Raj said, jumping back into the fray. "And Sheldon can prove it."

Everyone looked at Sheldon, who responded in a logical manner. "Just look her up on the internet."

"Just because she exists, it doesn't mean you dated her," Leslie pointed out. "Until I see her and hear she dated you, then you're just a _woser_."

"Woser," Kripke echoed as he followed Leonard and Leslie out.

Sheldon turned to Raj. "Did you tell them about Penny?"

"Of course not."

They both turned to face Howard.

"It might have slipped out."

"I'm thinking a downgrade to occasional colleague might be called for."

"It was an accident!"

"Slipping on a banana peel is an accident," Sheldon said, getting to his feet. "Making me look stupid _again_ is deliberate sabotage."

"I'll make it up to you."

"How?"

"I don't know right now."

"Well, when you do, occasional colleague Wolowitz, you know where to find me."

* * *

_Three Days Later – The Cheesecake Factory_

"Penny, I know you don't want to talk to me but I have something to say."

Penny had little choice but to listen now that Sheldon was sitting at a table in her section, and worse, he had a familiar dark haired girl with him. "If it's an order then I'm happy to listen."

"It's not. I want you to meet Amy."

"Are you stupid?"

"Penny, you know very well that I'm a genius."

"Well, lover boy, I'm thinking you must be slipping to bring the girl who you said wasn't really a date to the restaurant where I'll be serving your food."

"Please rest assured that this is not a date," Amy interjected. "Dr. Cooper merely needs to prove my existence to prevent his work colleagues from making him the subject of ridicule."

"You're telling me that Hofstadter and Winkle are coming here?"

"Yes, they unfortunately specified this meeting place, and so you may do whatever you wish to their food, although I would prefer it if you didn't spit in mine," Sheldon said quickly.

"At least one of us would be taking revenge on them that way I suppose," Penny remarked.

"I told you I was working on it," Sheldon said.

"He is," Amy agreed. "He has a cunning plan to deal with Dr. Hofstadter."

"Which, if all goes to plan, will come to fruition very shortly," Sheldon announced, "although my revenge against Leslie Winkle is currently proceeding nicely."

Penny was curious against her better judgment. "If that's so, then what is it?"

"Just look at her when she comes in," Sheldon said cryptically.

"Yeah, I'll do that but right now my manager is looking at me, so until the other weirdoes arrive, can I get you something to drink?"

"A tepid water," Amy instructed. "Without spit."

"A diet cola," Sheldon said. "Also without spit."

"I'll see what I can do," Penny said as she wrote it down and walked away.

"Do you think she'll spit in it?" Amy asked a little worriedly.

"I believe she will probably save it for Leonard and Leslie," Sheldon said, able to see Penny dispensing his drink sans spit.

Penny returned with their drinks just as Leonard and Leslie arrived. Her eyes widened as she saw Leslie. "Holy crap on a cracker!"

"Told you," Sheldon said with a smirk.

"I don't see what is so strange about them," Amy said, after glancing over at the arriving couple.

"I'll explain after dinner," Sheldon promised.

"You'd better explain it to me too," Penny said, deciding to forgo her demand that Sheldon ignore her.

"Please feel free to drop by my apartment after work," Sheldon offered.

Itching to know how Sheldon had done it, Penny agreed before she walked off.

Leslie walked over to the table and sat down. "So this is…" She raised her fingers and made quote signs in the air. "Amy!"

Already primed, Amy withdrew her driving license. "I am Doctor Amy Farrah Fowler."

Leonard whipped open his laptop and began to search for Amy, finding her quite easily. "She's real."

"I told you she was," Sheldon said. "And no, I'm not paying her for her services before you ask."

"I'm with Sheldon because he is a hot spring of untapped desire," Amy informed the couple.

Penny thankfully chose that moment to come back over, her face a picture of dislike. "What can I get you to drink? I'd recommend gin and arsenic or maybe a martini, spit in, not stirred."

"Ooh, witty," Leslie said, her face just as unfriendly. "But I'll take a coke."

"Do you want spit with that or not?"

"On second thoughts, let's eat somewhere else."

"Good choice," Penny said as the couple stood up to leave. "Might I suggest Souplantation on South Lake Avenue? They make a great salad but I'd hold the dressing if I was you."

"Oh shut up, Blondie," Leslie squeaked.

"Ooh, witty, not," Penny mocked before smiling and saying as they walked away, "Thank you for coming to the Cheesecake Factory, please don't come again."

She then turned to Amy and Sheldon. "So what can I get you?"

"The barbecue burger, please," Sheldon said.

"And I would like fish and chips without spit or arsenic."

"One check or two?"

"One," Sheldon said, before clarifying something for both Amy and Penny. "But not because this is a date, not even a pretend one. I'm only paying for the meal because Amy agreed to back me up."

"Sheldon, it's none of my business what you do with your girlfriend."

"Amy is, I suppose, for want of a better term, my girl friend, but she's not my girlfriend, one word," Sheldon clarified. He then looked down at the table before saying softly, "There has only been one woman I have had any interest in."

"Yeah, and look how you treated her." Then, not wanting to get into an argument in the restaurant, Penny held up the order. "Excuse me, I should go put this in."

As she walked off towards the kitchen, something occurred to her. She had been receiving single white roses every day for a week, a different quote attached to each and she had wondered if it had been Sheldon doing it. Now she was more than a little convinced that it was. Deciding she would ask Sheldon when she went over to learn how he'd bested Leslie, Penny placed the order and headed back out into the dining room.

* * *

_Later that night_

Penny was not exactly happy to discover Amy still in Sheldon's company. "Still here?"

Sheldon recognized that Penny was displeased and it made him more than a little happy. "Yes, she also wants to know what I did to Leslie Winkle."

Amy added to the statement. "And Sheldon offered me some Yoo-hoo, and it's hard to say no to a Yoo-hoo."

"So I've heard," Penny said somewhat caustically, before looking down at the cards and board that were laid on the table that was set out between Sheldon and Amy. "Whatcha playing?"

"A prototype of a game that Sheldon is developing. It's called Spock or Not, and, although I understand the concept of naming who made a quote, the desire to play such a game confuses me."

"She doesn't watch Star Trek," Sheldon said peevishly. "And she keeps on guessing at Captain Kirk for any quote that has anything to do with a woman. She is currently serving time in the Klingon prison of Rura Penthe for her mistakes."

"Then perhaps we should end the game and my imprisonment," Amy suggested hopefully. "I am happy to declare you the winner."

"That would be acceptable." Sheldon got to his feet. "Penny, would you like a beverage? I have wine."

"Sheldon, this isn't a social visit."

"That's what B…" Sheldon trailed off, not wanting to reveal that Bernadette had been in his apartment. "…I thought but Amy felt it appropriate."

"What the hell," Penny murmured, sitting down. "I'll take a glass of wine."

"As will I," Amy said, pushing aside her half finished Yoo-hoo.

Sheldon supplied the drinks, taking another Yoo-hoo for himself. "Do you require any snacks?"

"No, I just want to know how the hell you managed to make Leslie Winkle look like the Pillsbury Doughboy."

Sheldon smirked at Penny. "I know where she stores her food when she brings it into work and I've been slipping full-fat yogurt into her low-fat yogurt that she brings for breakfast."

"There must be more to it than that. She must weigh at least thirty pounds more than when I last saw her."

"There is. I've also been including weight gain powder in her vanilla shakes. I've been slowly increasing the dosage so that she wouldn't detect the taste."

"A most Machiavellian scheme, Sheldon Cooper," Amy said in a congratulatory voice. "A two pronged attack, her looks and her wardrobe."

"Why, thank you, Amy," Sheldon said with a big smile.

Penny felt her stomach bottom out at the smile, and, despite all of her hopes, she realized she was far from being over Sheldon, which reminded her of the roses. Digging into her purse, she pulled out a slip of paper.

"Do you recognize this?"

Sheldon read the quote out loud. "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart."

"That is very romantic," Amy said, with a sigh.

"Do you recognize it?" Penny repeated.

"Yes."

"Then it was you," Penny said, and although part of her didn't want to do it, she said, "You have to stop writing me notes and sending me flowers, Sheldon. It's over between us."

"I didn't send you flowers," Sheldon assured her.

Penny felt a wave of disappointment. "You didn't?"

"No," Sheldon said. "But I know who wrote the quote."

"Tell me."

"It was Helen Keller."

"But she's dead," Penny said, recognizing the name.

"She wrote the original line," Sheldon explained.

"So someone stole it," Penny said. "I thought I recognized some of them."

"Them?" Amy asked

Penny went red as she said, "I've been receiving a single white rose every day for the last week, and they all come with a quote. The last one was thou art something or other, and something about summer."

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate," Sheldon said softly.

"So it is you!"

Sheldon avoided answering directly. "Again, I didn't write it, and for your information, the quote is by William Shakespeare."

"No tick," Penny said, noticing that Sheldon's face didn't move before shoving the note into her pocket. Mortified that she thought she was about to cry, she got up quickly and mumbled, "I have to go."

As Penny walked out, wine glass still in hand, Amy made an observation. "She looked disappointed."

"Then my plan is working."

"What plan?"

And so Sheldon told Amy what he and Bernadette had concocted. "She is Robin to my Batman."

"Although I am not familiar with the world of Spock, I am with the world of Batman, thanks to the silver screen appearances of Christian Bale. And it is my considered opinion that Bernadette would be Alfred to your Batman."

"A trusted confidante and advisor," Sheldon murmured. "An excellent choice, Amy."

"Thank you, Sheldon." After taking a sip of her wine, Amy said, "Being bad is fun. I've never had friends before to know that."

Sheldon was about to point out that he wasn't Amy's friend when he saw the hopeful look on the young woman's face and recalled what he had said in the restaurant. "Never? Not even at school?"

"No, my mother was the only person to sign my year book."

"What did she write?"

"Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom."

"She does have a point about self-respect."

"But self-respect is no fun and I have decided that it is rather stimulating being portrayed as a bad girl. I have therefore made the decision to try it again very soon."

"Not with me, I hope," Sheldon said worriedly at the glint in Amy's eye.

"Although I stand by my declaration that you would likely make a good boyfriend, Sheldon Cooper, I am well aware that your preferences lie elsewhere."

"As long as we're clear on that."

"We are," Amy said, standing up. "But I believe I should leave now before I imbibe more wine than I should and forget you are out of bounds."

An alarmed Sheldon hurriedly opened the front door. "Then goodnight, Amy."

"Goodnight, Sheldon, my friend."

* * *

_One Week Later_

Penny hugged Raj, who had come over to pick up some of his things. "Thanks again for letting me have the apartment back and agreeing to move in with Bernadette."

Raj managed a high-pitched, "I… I…I don't…" He gave up and shrugged apologetically.

"You're getting better," Penny said encouragingly. "Let's get you a beer."

Penny opened the fridge, pulling out two beers, passing one to Raj.

After taking a long draught of the beer, Raj said, "I know that you are probably going to take this the wrong way, but please be careful how much you drink now you're alone and Bernadette and I will not be around to put you to bed."

"I know how to handle myself," Penny said disparagingly.

Raj decided to tell her about Wolowitz. "I'm not so sure you do. Do you remember the night you were sick in the sink?"

Penny cringed when she had to ask, "Which one?"

"The night you broke up with Sheldon."

"Yes," Penny said tersely.

"Well, you were drunk and you let Howard…"

Sheldon's voice came filtering into the room. "You and Wolowitz? You and _occasional colleague Wolowitz_?"

Penny looked over to where a stunned Sheldon was standing in the doorway. "Sheldon, I…"

Obviously upset, Sheldon turned and hurried away, almost knocking over a delivery man as he came up the stairs.

"Sheldon!"

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the man said, getting in Penny's way. "I have a delivery for a Miss…" The man looked down at the paper. "Sorry, I can't read the last name. First name is Penny."

"That's me," Penny said, quickly signing for the box. She then shoved it into Raj's hands and dashed towards the stairs. But the delay had given Sheldon the time he needed to get away and he was gone by the time Penny had sprinted down the stairs.

Running back up, she took the box from Raj. "Please tell me I didn't sleep with Wolowitz."

"We'd never have let you do that," Raj said. "Although Bernadette did have to slap you after Howard touched your hand and you said you didn't mind."

Penny suddenly threw the box away from her and began to rush over to the sink. "Oh God!"

"That's the sort of thing Sheldon would do," Raj said, following her over to the sink.

"Now I finally understand why," Penny said, as she began scrubbing at her hands, her flesh crawling at the idea that she'd let Wolowitz touch her of her own free will. "I can't believe I let him touch me."

"You were blind drunk," Raj consoled as Penny wiped her hands dry.

"I'd have to have been." Penny looked over at the box she had thrown to the ground. "I really thought those notes were from Sheldon, even though he said he hadn't sent them."

"Perhaps he was lying."

"No twitch."

Raj finally understood why Penny had cast the box away. "So you think the flowers are from Howard?"

"He's cheesy enough to look up quotes and use them."

"I thought you said they were sweet."

"They were until I found out they were from Wolowitz." Penny looked down at the box as if it might explode. "I'm almost too afraid to open it."

"I'll do it." Raj opened the box. "Ooh, look, a cute pink teddy and a note."

"Read it."

"_Take care of me. I sleep by day so at night I can stay awake to chase away your bad dreams."_

"Not exactly Wolowitz material," Penny said thankfully, before grabbing her purse. "We're going pay a visit to the florists." She then grabbed the teddy. "Come on."

An hour later Penny had discovered the perpetrator was short and wearing a hooded sweatshirt but the server could remember little else, as she hadn't been the one to make the sale and the customer had paid in cash.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Penny said, rubbing her arms up and down as she headed upstairs to her apartment. "I've been keeping those notes in my underwear drawer."

"Because you thought they were from Sheldon?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you just tell him that you want him back?"

"Because I want a normal relationship."

"But you knew before you started dating him that Sheldon is never going to be normal," Raj said, before frowning. "On second thoughts, that maybe isn't the best thing to say."

"I already know he's crazy, but he makes me crazy too, and I don't know if I can deal with that right now."

"But do you love him?"

Penny opened her door and nodded. "Yes, and that's why the whole Meemaw and Amy things hurt so much, and he just doesn't get it."

"And he never will unless you give him a chance."

"This is a long way from the man who wanted to hurl Sheldon's Kindle out into the snow so that he'd go after it and die," Penny said with a smile.

"I still sometimes want to kill him," Raj admitted. "But I'd rather have that crazy man in my life than not."

"I'd better go tell him the truth about Wolowitz," Penny said, deciding that she too would rather have Sheldon in her life than not.

However, Sheldon was nowhere to be found. Worried they hurried to the comic bookstore but no Sheldon. A search of his favorite stores, cinemas and the university also yielded no results.

"Do you think he's gone home again?" Raj asked.

"He did look pretty upset."

"True. The last time he looked like that it was because Firefly was cancelled," Raj said, able to recall the moment quite well. "He burst into tears and locked himself in his room. He only came out to use the potty."

"Crap," Penny said and she pulled out her cell phone. Her call to Missy came up blank.

"Perhaps he's gone to catch a train," Raj suggested.

Again, the search proved fruitless and given that the next train that Penny suspected Sheldon would likely catch didn't leave until morning, she decided to return then.

As they were walking towards the apartment block, an obviously angry Bernadette came storming up to them. "What have you done to poor Sheldon?"

"Poor Sheldon?" Raj questioned.

"Yes, poor Sheldon," Bernadette snarled. "The poor little thing was almost in tears when he called me to tell me not to send anything else to Penny for him, but he didn't tell me why before he hung up. You two, however, are going to."

"It _was_ Sheldon sending me things?" Penny asked with relief. "And _you_ helped him?"

"Yes, of course I helped him. You were obviously both missing each other and my sofas couldn't take much more of it."

"I said I'd replace them if the dry-cleaning didn't work," Penny said in embarrassment.

"It did, but that's not the point," Bernadette said. "You were unhappy and so was Sheldon, so I snuck over to see him after you and I emptied out the apartment, and we decided that I'd cover for him."

"That's why he could lie so convincingly," Penny said. "And it was you behind the hoodie." Her face fell. "So the roses were your idea?"

"Yes, but the quotes were Sheldon's. He chose each of them and I wrote out the card in disguised handwriting."

Hearing this, Penny burst into tears. "And now I've messed it up. He thinks I'm a whore just like his Meemaw told him."

"Who did you sleep with?"

"No-one!" Penny almost yelled, tears running down her cheeks. "But Sheldon thinks I slept with Wolowitz."

"Why?"

And so Raj told Bernadette what had happened. "We've been searching for him everywhere to tell him the truth."

"I'll send him a text message," Bernadette said, but the message bounced back as undeliverable. Sheldon had well and truly disappeared.

**Next time: The search for Sheldon continues**


	15. The Sheldon Cooper Intangibility

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 15: The Sheldon Cooper Intangibility**

"I think we should send him an email," Bernadette decided. "Let's go upstairs."

Back in her apartment, Penny opened up her laptop and logged on, causing Raj to casually ask, "So you got your own internet?"

"Nah, I decided to take up Sheldon's offer," Penny said. "I couldn't see the point in forking out seventy bucks a month for high speed internet when I could use his with his permission."

"Dang it!"

"What is it?" Bernadette asked as she passed Raj a glass of wine, deciding she needed one herself.

"I had a bet with Sheldon that Penny wouldn't use it. I have to take him wherever he wants to go for the next two months."

"If we ever find him," Bernadette remarked.

Penny gave a frustrated howl. "The email was undeliverable. It came back."

"So who haven't we checked with?" Bernadette asked, also passing Penny a glass of wine, but making sure it wasn't a large one.

"Um, that Amy girl," Raj said quietly.

Bernadette asked, "Does anyone have her number?"

"Probably Meemaw does," Raj said, thinking of the only person who might. "I have her number in case of an emergency with Sheldon if you need it."

"I kinda think that Meemaw would rather crawl over broken glass on her belly before she'd give Amy's number to me," Penny said, quite truthfully. "But she did like Bernadette."

"Oh no," Bernadette said, shaking her head. "I can't lie to an old lady, even a mean one."

"You lied to me."

"No, I didn't. I just didn't tell you, there's a difference."

"Why don't you just look Amy up in the phone book?" Raj suggested.

"Ooh, good idea!" Bernadette said hurriedly, not wanting to have to be the one to call Meemaw. "What's her full name?"

Raj duly supplied it but unfortunately Amy was unlisted.

"Leonard found her on the internet somewhere," Penny remembered. "Let's enter her name."

They soon tracked her down to her place of work, but again, seeking her out would have to wait until the morning, with Raj and Bernadette opting to stay over after several bottles of wine.

* * *

_Later that night_

Sheldon was surprised to see a snoring Penny tucked up in his bed, the little teddy-bear he had kept of hers, tucked up beside her. Quietly opening the closet, he withdrew the suitcase he always kept packed in case of emergencies and snuck out of the bedroom.

Heading back to the living room, he held up a finger to his lips to indicate to his companion to keep her voice down before whispering, "Penny's sleeping in my bed."

"Just like Goldilocks."

"If Goldilocks slept with Howard Wolowitz, then yes, I suppose you could say that."

"Perhaps she was taking revenge for believing you cheated on her first."

"Then she should have told me before I wasted my time trying to woo her back."

"Your desire to remain anonymous would have rendered that an impossible feat."

"Stop nitpicking," Sheldon demanded. "At the end of the day, she cheated and I didn't."

"Then why is she in your bed?"

"I don't know and I'm certainly not going to wake her to find out."

Half an hour later Penny woke up, the sound of a door slamming closed penetrating her sleep and she sat bolt upright in bed. "Sheldon?"

Switching on the light, she immediately noticed that his box of tissues, his earphones and wipes had gone. "Crap! He's been burgled."

She then also spotted that the teddy bear she had been sleeping with, Mr. Ramsay, had also vanished. Getting out of bed, she rushed into the living room to discover everything was still neatly in its place including the Wii, but Sheldon's laptop had gone.

Heading back into the bedroom, she opened up his wardrobe door to see that his emergency suitcase and half of his clothes had gone. "Sneaky bastard!" She then burst into tears.

* * *

_The Next Day_

After calling Amy's workplace, Penny discovered she too was taking a leave of absence. Not able to get much done during the day because she had to work, after dinner she met up with Bernadette and Raj at Bernadette's home. "He's obviously with her and I can't track down her address."

"I know someone who probably can," Raj said. "Howard."

"You can't do it?"

"No, but Howard has a knack of being able to find a woman no matter where she is."

Bernadette gave her boyfriend a disgusted look. "That's just creepy, Raj."

"That's what most girls say about Howard."

"Ain't that a surprise," Penny said drily before she sighed. "Call him."

Howard sauntered in an hour later. "Sorry to take so long but I was otherwise engaged, if you know what I mean."

Spotting a plastic bag containing a magazine, Raj translated. "He was at the comic bookstore."

"You know how to kill a vibe."

"Howard, we're not interested in you, so your vibe died long ago," Bernadette said. "We need your help."

"What for?"

"To track down Amy."

"Sheldon's new girl, Amy?"

"Yes," Penny said in a tight voice.

"No," said Howard.

"I beg your pardon."

"Sheldon downgraded me to 'occasional colleague Wolowitz', so no go."

"What did you expect?" Raj asked. "You told everyone that Penny had dumped him."

"It was a genuine mistake. I merely told Hovis that I hoped for a crack at Penny now that she'd dumped Sheldon."

"Howard," Penny said, "even if life on earth depended upon us to repopulate the species I would happily be responsible for my own orgasms until the day I died."

"I'd settle for sex without the orgasms, at least on your part."

"Eww! No!"

"A flash of milky, white breast?" Howard asked hopefully.

"No."

"Not even a nipple?"

Bernadette slapped him up the back of the head. "I think she made it perfectly clear the answer is no. Now sit down and help us, otherwise I swear you'll never be allowed to play with Raj again!"

Howard's brow furrowed as he said. "You know you remind me of my mother."

"I don't see it," Raj said.

"Add two hundred and fifty pounds and a lot more hair, especially on the chin," Howard said.

"No, still not seeing it," Raj said hurriedly as he caught Bernadette's eye.

"Perhaps it's the voice then."

Penny took her turn in belting Howard up the back of the head. "Howard, leave Bernadette alone and just look for Amy." She then went to wash her hands.

"Fine, I'll look but just remember this when you're back with Sheldon and I've got no-one."

Despite comparing her to his mother, Bernadette finally took pity on Howard. "Howard, you could get a girl if you tried harder. You're not that bad looking, but drop the patter. You think it's fancy but it's really creepy, and those tight hoochie pants… let's just say we left them behind in the 80s for a reason."

Howard ignored everything else to ask, "You think I'm not bad looking?"

"Well, you're never going to have the dark and sexy smoldering looks my Raj has," Bernadette stopped to flash Raj a saucy smile, "but you could do alright if you didn't try so hard."

Howard visibly sagged. "It's just I feel I have to. Raj has you and even Leonard has Leslie, although she's beginning to look a lot like the Goodyear blimp. But the one person I never thought would ever get a girlfriend first had Penny and now has this Amy girl."

"Amy is not his girlfriend."

"Then why is he with her?"

Penny's face crumpled and Howard went to put his arm around her, causing Penny to slap it away. "Don't touch me. It's your fault that Sheldon ran away."

"What did I do?"

"Sheldon thinks you and Penny slept together."

"Cool. Can I tell everyone that?"

"No!" Three voices yelled at the same time.

"Okay, okay, but it might have helped with my street cred."

"Not being sleazy would help with your street cred," Penny sniffled. "Now please, do what you do best and find us a girl who doesn't want to be found."

* * *

Amy swallowed hard at the sight of Sheldon's three friends and Wolowitz standing outside of her front door.

Penny took the lead. "I know he's here."

"Who?" Amy asked in a slightly high pitched voice.

"Sheldon."

"No, he's not."

"Then can we come in?" Penny asked even as she pushed in. "Sheldon? Sheldon?"

"He's not here."

"But he was, wasn't he?"

Amy folded her arms. "I'm telling you nothing."

"She knows where he is."

"Who are you?"

"Howard Wolowitz."

"Ah yes, the quintessential devil in this matter."

"Sheldon's definitely been here," Penny said. "That line is from Star Trek something or other…"

"Four," both Raj and Howard said at the same time. "The Voyage Home."

"And since I know you had no idea what Star Trek was about when you were at Sheldon's apartment he was definitely here. Wasn't he?"

"Yes," Amy finally admitted to Penny. "But he's gone now."

Penny moved closer. "So where is he?"

"I'll never tell," Amy said, backing up slightly.

"If you don't tell us, we'll do, um…" Raj struggled for a threat that might work and went with a generic response, his voice dipping low, "…unspeakable things to you."

Amy filled in the blanks for herself. "You can ravish my body over and over again and I will never surrender Sheldon's whereabouts to you."

"A little overdramatic much," Penny muttered, channeling her inner Buffy.

"No, really, he can ravish it," Amy said, giving a shiver as she looked at Raj.

"Back off, sister, he's taken," Bernadette said, stepping in front of Raj.

Howard's face lit up. "Catfight! Now if we only had bikinis and a pool filled with lime jello."

All three women stared in disgust at Howard, Amy glancing at Penny. "I am beginning to comprehend now why Sheldon was so upset. You actually indulged in coitus with _him_?"

"Eww, no!" Penny said. "I have never and will never ever have coitus with Howard Wolowitz, not even if the world was ending."

"Then why was Sheldon laboring under the distinct impression that you did?"

"Because he overheard me and Raj talking about me letting Howard touch my hand."

"So nothing happened?"

"I wanted it to but Raj wouldn't let me," Howard said sulkily.

"So now you know the truth, please, tell me where Sheldon is."

"He's on a plane."

"He's scared to death of flying," Penny said. "So nice try but no cigar."

"No, really. He's on a plane heading for the Middle East before he goes to Resolute in Canada."

"What the hell for?"

"He has an interview about his upcoming mission to the North Pole," Amy explained.

"The North Pole?"

Raj nodded. "Somehow some foundation discovered he'd been sabotaged and they're funding a second attempt."

"But who would be crazy enough to fund it?" Howard asked. "And how did they find out?"

All eyes turned to Amy, who pointed at the sofas. "I believe it is social protocol for me to offer you a beverage while you sit down and I volunteer an explanation."

"She's definitely been around Sheldon," Howard remarked.

"No beverage," Penny said. "I just want answers."

"I'll take a beer if you have one," Raj said, worried the effect from his earlier glass of wine was beginning to wear off.

"Sheldon indicated that you might seek him out and warned me of your disability, and I have therefore prepared for that eventuality," Amy said, opening her fridge. "I have a six pack of what I believe is the king of beers, although I fail to see how after tasting it. And I also have a three liter box of wine, as I understand that Penny is likely to drink in vast quantities."

"Hey!"

"Was Sheldon incorrect?"

Penny sighed. "No, but I'm trying to cut back."

"That is something of a relief. I was fairly certain that it would have been rude of me to make you all sit down on plastic covers to protect the purity of my sofas."

"I wish I'd thought of that," Bernadette said, before giving Penny an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"Nah, I did puke on them." Penny reached out and picked up the glass of wine that Amy had poured out. "Now start explaining."

"I have a fiancé."

This threw everyone, Penny blurting out, "You have what?"

"A fiancé, although it is not a traditional relationship. He funds my research and I provide a barrier between him and a wife of his parents' choosing."

"So why the once a year date?" Bernadette asked.

"My mother believes Faisal is dragging the engagement out and she wishes to eventually be blessed with grandchildren."

"Then why not marry him?"

"His sexual orientation precludes it."

A chorus of 'aah' filled the room.

"Anyway, he is very generous and when I explained about Sheldon in my once a month web chat with him, he offered to fund the new trip."

"Why would he do that?" Howard asked. "It's not as if he knows Sheldon, although in this case, that's probably a good thing."

"He did it simply because I asked him to."

"But why would you do that for Sheldon?" Raj asked, before his eyes widened. "You have the hots for him, don't you?"

"While I do consider Sheldon to be excellent boyfriend material…"

"Perhaps we should get her tested as well," Howard muttered, before giving Amy a smile. "Go on."

"…he doesn't make my neurons fire rapidly enough." Here Amy glanced at Raj. "Unlike some."

Bernadette moved a little closer to Raj and put her hand on his knee. "So why did you do it?"

"I like Sheldon."

"Yep, definitely crazy."

"Occasional colleague Wolowitz, please be quiet," Amy said.

"If you're going to be rude to me, then I'm going home," Howard complained.

"The door is there," Amy said, before continuing. "As I was saying before I was interrupted, I like Sheldon, and even though I will miss my only friend by fulfilling his dream, his need was greater than mine."

"Can you call him?"

"No, but I do have an email address."

"Can I have it?" Penny looked hopefully at Amy.

"I told Sheldon I wouldn't give it to anyone but it's hard to say no to someone with puppy dog eyes and flaxen hair."

Amy got up and wrote down an address on a piece of card. "He won't arrive at the station that has been set up until late next week, so this will be ineffective until then."

"I don't care," Penny said. "As long as I can contact him, that's all that matters."

"Now that our business is concluded, would you all like to play a game?"

"We really should get going," Penny said, wary of what playing a game with Amy might entail. "But thank you."

"Perhaps we could do this again," Amy suggested hopefully. "Sheldon is my only friend and I will be lonely now he has gone."

"Sure," Penny said as she walked to the door. "I'll call you."

"Do you have my number?"

"Er, no."

"Then it would be impossible to call me. Do you need a card with it on or do you have an eidetic memory as Sheldon does?"

"A card would be good."

After handing one over, Amy said, "I'll be waiting for that call." After closing the door, she did a little dance of happiness. "My mother was wrong. Friends are better than my hymen."

* * *

_One Week Later_

"Dr. Hofstadter, take a seat."

"President Siebert, what can I do for you?"

"Give me your resignation."

"But, why?"

President Siebert handed over a magazine. "That's why."

Leonard gawped at the front cover of a clearly uncomfortable but still smiling Sheldon standing next to a camel. "Because Sheldon is with a camel?"

"Take a look at the man on the other side of him."

"What about him?"

"That is Prince Faisal, head of the Fowler Foundation, and he has agreed to fund another field trip for Dr. Cooper's research into magnetic monopoles."

Leonard started to put two and two together but retained his cool as he asked, "But why would he do that?"

"Why indeed, when the first time was an obvious failure," President Siebert said, staring beadily at Leonard. "It might be because a certain Dr. Leonard Hofstadter deliberately sabotaged Dr. Cooper's efforts."

Leonard's cool vanished. "It wasn't just me. Raj and Howard were there too."

"According to the article it was you acting alone."

"You can read that?"

"I didn't get this position through good looks and charm," President Siebert responded, not telling Leonard he had received a translated copy. "So what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Um, sorry?"

"I should be suing you for wasting University funds and time but under the circumstances I have decided that I will settle for your resignation."

"What circumstances?"

President Siebert handed over a sheet of paper. "Dr. Gablehauser asked me to tell you that you've been accepted to teach physics at Universidad Nacional de Colombia."

"But I never applied."

"According to this letter you made quite an impression on everyone and they're looking forward to seeing you again."

"But how could they?" Leonard bleated before a look of realization dawned. "Sheldon!"

"You're saying that Dr. Cooper pretended to be you."

"He must have done."

"Whether he did or not, and I highly doubt it, I suggest you take up the offer because after this article gets out, I doubt anyone else will be queuing up to offer you a job."

"But Colombia isn't safe."

"You maybe should have considered that before you decided to mess with Dr. Cooper's project. I'll expect your resignation by the end of the day. Good day, Dr. Hofstadter."

* * *

_Later that evening_

Penny opened her front door at the banging. "Raj?"

Having already taken a nip from his flask, Raj held out a publication and said, "You have to see this."

Penny took the magazine he was holding. "That's Sheldon!"

"I was called to President Siebert's office today for a talk. Apparently Sheldon has requested my presence in the North Pole with him. But that's not the big news. Leonard's been fired. Well, he resigned but it was obvious he was fired."

"No!"

"It's all around the University. He's going to Bogotá to teach although he said he never applied. He asked me if I knew anything about it."

"It has to be Sheldon."

"That's what Leonard thinks but he can't work out how he did it."

"I bet Amy knows."

"You haven't heard from Sheldon?"

"Amy said he was out in the desert with Faisal and wouldn't be in touch again until they returned for his flight to Resolute. I've tried the email address she gave me twenty times but nothing."

"I'm sure he'll email you when he reads the truth," Raj said, before holding out his arm. "Let's go visit Amy."

* * *

_Fowler Foundation Base, North Pole_

Sheldon opened up his laptop to see whether he had received any emails, to discover the first few were from Amy. Opening up the one that said '_Read All About It – Leonard Hofstadter'_, Sheldon began reading.

'_Sheldon,_

_Leonard has been dismissed from his post at the University thanks to the article that Faisal printed in his private magazine and forwarded to President Siebert. _

_You will also be delighted to hear that the word on the street is that no-one else will touch a man who so blatantly destroyed a colleague's reputation, even if that colleague is, to quote Dr. Gablehauser, who seems very nice by the way, 'nuts'. I met him at a wonderful party held to honor your upcoming expedition and the large amount of money that Faisal has agreed to donate to the University. _

_With no real other options, Leonard has apparently decided to take the post in Bogotá as you hoped he would, with Faisal's input rendering moot any blackmail you might have had to employ to obtain his agreement to move. Upon learning of Leonard's dismissal, as you instructed, I sent the final payment to the actor/student you employed._

_On a more personal level, I am well, and Penny forced me to give her your email address. Please read her emails._

_Your friend,_

_Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler_

Sheldon huffed, "How can you call yourself a friend when you gave in so easily?" He then looked down until he saw twenty or so emails, all from Penny. After highlighting them, his finger hovered over the delete button, before deselecting them and clicking on the first one.

'_Hi Sheldon,_

_I hope you don't just delete this when you see it's from me. I know how it sounded when you were at the door, but you have to believe me – I never slept with Wolowitz. I apparently let him touch my hand when I was drunk without ripping his head off. I'm sorry for that but nothing happened._

_I really miss you,_

_Love_

_Penny_

_xx'_

Sheldon now opened up each and every one of Penny's emails, to find emails in the same vein as the one he had read.

Clicking on the final one, he began a reply…

**Next time: Penny hears from Sheldon**


	16. The Pen Pal Conduit

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 16: The Pen Pal Conduit**

Sheldon hesitated, closed down the email he had been about to write to Penny, and re-opened Amy's email to him, deciding to deal with her first.

'_Dear Amy,_

_You are a terrible secret-keeper. If the Potters had chosen you to protect their secret, Voldemort would have found them considerably quicker than he did! I'm very disappointed in you._

_Sheldon'_

* * *

'_Dear Sheldon,_

_I am no Wormtail! After meeting Wolowitz (an extraordinarily disturbing individual) and hearing Penny's side of the story, I am of the opinion that what I did was for the greater good. _

_However, if you still feel differently after reading Penny's email, then I believe we should terminate our friendship._

_Amy'_

* * *

'_Dear Amy,_

_I have already read Penny's email and have decided to forgive her, and, I suppose, to forgive you. Therefore our friendship will remain intact. However, you still haven't initialed all the amendments I made to your amendments in the friendship agreement. Please do so at your earliest convenience._

_Sheldon'_

* * *

_**The Next Day**_

After grabbing herself a glass of wine as she came in from work, Penny opened up her laptop and clicked on her email box. "Please let Sheldon have responded."

She gave a cry of happiness as she spotted his email and she immediately clicked on it and began to read.

'_Hello Penny, _

_Thank you for your twenty-four emails explaining about the misconception I had come to about yourself and Wolowitz. _

_As you probably know by now from Amy Farrah Fowler, (who, by the way, is a terrible keeper of secrets, even worse than me), I confided in her, and she, in turn, confided in Faisal, who offered to bring forward my expedition. The only fly in the ointment was the fact that I first had to fly to the Middle East for an interview about my project. _

_Of course, despite being flown in a private jet, the flights were hell. I admit that once again I was convinced I was going to die, and not simply from the trauma of flight. This time I was also convinced that the crew members were going to stab me or eject me from the aircraft before we landed in Dubai on our outward journey._

_Faisal's private physician gave me tranquilizers for the remaining journeys. He said it was for the safety of his crew. What did he think I'd do them? They were the ones threatening me!_

_In spite of his excellent hospitality, I have to say that Faisal is certainly a strange bird. While we were in the desert, he kept offering to share his tent with me and I had to keep explaining that I sleep alone._

_But I digress…'_

Penny laughed. "No shit, Sheldon."

'_Penny, I was mistaken in my belief about you and should have listened to your explanation before I left. I therefore believe I owe you an apology. I just hope you can accept it and that we can be friends again._

_Sheldon'_

Penny sat staring at the screen for a long time before she began to type a response.

'_Dear Sheldon,_

_I accept your apology, and yes, I'd like to be friends again._

_Keep writing,_

_Love_

_Penny xxx'_

As she clicked the send key, Penny sighed. "In fact I'd like to be more than friends again, Sheldon, you idiot."

* * *

_**Three Weeks Later**_

Penny yawned and took a huge gulp of coffee as she opened up her emails, smiling as she saw one of them was from Sheldon.

'_Good morning, Penny,_

_I wish you were here to see the progress that I'm making, although I doubt you'd find it enjoyable. It's far too cold for the outfits you like to wear._

_Mr. Ramsay sends you hugs and kisses. He misses you._

_Sheldon'_

Penny quickly typed out a response.

'_Dear Sheldon,_

_Just for once, tell me __**you**__ miss me. Not that my teddy bear misses me! or that you miss my oatmeal! or Doctor Who!_

_Love _

_Penny xx'_

Sheldon's response, of course, did nothing of the sort.

'_Dear Penny,_

_You used far too many exclamation points in your last email to me, and they were mostly in the wrong place. There should have simply been one exclamation point at the end of Doctor Who._

_And with reference to Doctor Who, I have asked Amy to record it for me when the new seasons begins as I doubt you'll remember. If you wish to bring yourself up to speed, the previous episodes are in my cupboard. Just don't cry over the sofa. Please also remember to wipe everything afterwards and to replace the DVDs back in the case._

_Sheldon'_

Penny had only ever seen one episode of Doctor Who and had hated the program, which had featured a screeching redhead in a white wedding dress.

'_Dear Sheldon,_

_I don't know why you think I might want to watch Doctor Who, and more so why I would be upset. _

_Love_

_Penny xx'_

After opening up the email, Sheldon hesitated for a long time before typing out a brief response.

'_Dear Penny,_

_I will be watching Series 5 when I return and you might like to be up-to-date with what is happening so that you can spend your evenings with me watching the series._

_Sheldon'_

Penny took even longer before she sent her response, Sheldon's phrasing finally giving her the hope to ask something she had been wanting to ever since she and Sheldon had started conversing on a daily basis.

'_Dear Sheldon,_

_Is this your way of asking me if I want to be your girlfriend again? And you still haven't answered why I'd be upset._

_Love_

_Penny xx'_

* * *

_**Six Hours Later**_

Sheldon opened up Penny's latest email and then called out, "Raj! Raj! Raj!"

Raj made his way slowly into the room. "Sheldon, I didn't agree to a second stint at the North Pole with you just to be at your beck and call."

"Then why did you come?"

"That's a question I've been asking myself every day since I arrived."

"Well, why you think about the answer to that question, you can look at this problem for me," Sheldon said, pointing to the screen. "What do you think I should do?"

"I think you should ask your mother to have you tested again for even bothering to ask me that."

"So that would be a yes."

"It would be if you have any sense." Raj then turned and walked away. "But we all know you don't."

Ignoring the muttered aside, Sheldon turned back to the computer and began to type.

'_Dear Penny,_

_Yes, I would like for you to become my girlfriend again, so you should watch Doctor Who. And I'm not going to divulge why you'll be upset. It would ruin your enjoyment of the series. Perhaps you might also like to ask Amy to join you, since she has asked me to remind you to call her._

_Sheldon' _

Penny groaned at Sheldon's final sentence. "God, I'd forgotten about her."

* * *

_**Three Days Later**_

Feeling guilty about Amy, Penny finally found the card with her telephone number on it buried at the bottom of her junk drawer, and she decided that she would ask Amy if she wanted to go out for a drink with her.

Amy answered on the second ring. "This is Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Hi, Amy, it's Penny."

"You called!" Amy said excitedly. 'Nobody who promises to call ever does, but you did."

"I said I would," Penny said, feeling bad that it had been two months since she had promised to phone. "But sorry it took so long. Work's been kinda hectic lately."

"I suspected that might well be the case. Sheldon said that you like to keep yourself in frivolous items such as multiple pairs of shoes, and I understand that being a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory is an extremely low paid menial position that would require long hours working to earn such money."

Penny's guilt started to flow away at a rapid rate, and she decided that rather than going for a drink with Amy, she was going to make Amy suffer along with her for her Sheldon style insensitive remark. "Look, I was wondering if you might want to come over and watch a few episodes of Doctor Who with me."

"I would prefer to go on the prowl with you." Amy gave a tiny growl in the bottom of her throat.

"I'm back with Sheldon, so no go," Penny said, hoping that Amy would refuse altogether.

"Then I will take your offer, Penny," Amy said, disappointing Penny. "What time would you like me to arrive at your home?"

"I'm kinda staying at Sheldon's place," Penny said. "But Friday at seven would be good."

"In the morning?"

"No, the evening," Penny said, again being forcefully reminded of Sheldon.

"I look forward to it."

As Amy put the phone down, she danced her happy dance.

* * *

**One Month Later**

Penny finished watching the final episode of the Doctor Who special, sobbing into her handkerchief as the Doctor uttered his final words before his transformation into a new person.

Bernadette, who had also been coerced into watching the DVDs, was also crying. "How can they ever replace him?"

"Sheldon has expressed the same concern," Amy said, not in the slightest bit perturbed by what she had just been watching. She had only continued to watch the series after the first night because Penny refused to go out drinking with her and this was her best way to bond with her new friend.

"Damn Sheldon for making me watch these," Penny said, wiping her eyes.

"Perhaps he might feel differently about coercing you into further viewing of Doctor Who if you weep and wail as you just did," Amy suggested, having found it rather irritating.

"I hate to admit it," Penny said, sniffling, "but I want to watch them. I'm just afraid of being let down if the next doctor isn't as good."

"We said the same after the end of Series 1," Bernadette reminded her friend. "I almost feel bereft now that it's all over. Now what will we watch until our boys come back?"

"I have a copy of my latest experiment conducted with Rudolph, a capuchin monkey," Amy said excitedly, diving into her oversized bag.

"Way to kill the mood," Penny murmured softly under her breath as she topped up Bernadette's wine, before leaning back against the sofa. "Thanks, Amy, but I think we've watched enough television for tonight. Perhaps another time."

"I will bring the entire collection," Amy promised.

"Oh joy," Bernadette muttered just as softly as Penny had, before she smiled at her friend, who had a satisfied smile on her face as she curled up on Sheldon's spot. "You like sitting there, don't you?"

"Yes, but it feels almost naughty sitting here while Sheldon's not here."

"Does this make you feel closer to him?" Amy asked as she watched Penny stroke the arm of the chair.

"Yeah, I suppose it does."

"I sleep in Raj's shirts," Bernadette admitted. "I really miss him."

"At least you know where you stand with him," Penny said. "I know I'm Sheldon's girlfriend again but I don't really know what that means anymore."

A beep from Penny's laptop made her jump.

"And speaking of Sheldon, that's probably him. He emails me every day at this time."

Amy and Bernadette crowded around Penny's laptop as she opened up the email.

'_Dear Penny,_

_Only three weeks to go!_

_We're back from another expedition and my results are looking good. Raj said to tell you hello and that if I make him dig another hole in sub-zero temperatures again, he's going to throw my iPod __**and**__ my Kindle out into the snow and me after them. We both laughed before he swore he was being serious._

_Moving along, Penny, I know this may be a little forward of me, but I want you…'_

Penny sat stock still in shock. "Oh God, he's actually managed to tell me he wants me."

"And you were worried you didn't know where you stand," Bernadette said, before giggling. "Or lie."

A bleep signaled another email.

"_Sorry about that. Raj bumped into me and I accidentally sent the email without finishing it. I want you to accept an award for me. I debated asking Amy, who I'm sure would give an acceptable speech to my peers, but I know how much you need the practice for your acting. _

_The award is for my brilliant work in the field of string theory. I'm attaching a list of my other achievements for you to peruse and use in your speech. _

_Ensure that you email me with a draft of the speech._

_Sheldon'_

Penny began to furiously bash out a response.

'_Sheldon,_

_Accept your own damn award!'_

* * *

"Raj! Raj! Raj!" Sheldon called out as Penny's response came back.

"What is it?"

"I think Penny said no."

"She turned down a free weekend in New York?"

"Yes, although I might have forgotten to mention that part."

Raj sighed. "Sheldon, what did you mention?"

Sheldon opened up the email and showed Raj. "I definitely covered all of the other bases, so I can't think why Penny turned me down."

"Sheldon, you insulted her!"

"I don't see how."

"You told her she needed practice as an actress. Not a good move, dude."

"But if she doesn't need practice then why does she keep enrolling in those ridiculous workshops? All she does is pretend to be a tree or a leaf. I'm giving her the opportunity to really act."

"No, Sheldon, you're giving her the opportunity to act as your puppet. You need to send another email."

"But it's time for dinner," Sheldon whined.

"Do you want Penny to still be your girlfriend after dinner?"

"Yes."

"Then open up another email and I'll tell you what to write."

Raj coughed as Sheldon did so, his head tilted as he began to recite.

'_Dear Penny,_

_I'm sorry I was such an idiot…'_

"I'm not writing that," Sheldon interrupted. "We all know I'm not an idiot. I have an IQ of 187!"

"Sheldon, trust me, in this matter you were idiot," Raj assured him. "Look, just tell her you're sorry and that you want her to accept the award but in her own words."

"But she might forget something important."

"Sheldon, do you _really_ want Penny to remain as your girlfriend, yes or no?"

After a few moments, Sheldon pursed up his lips and muttered, "Yes."

"Then write the damned email!"

* * *

Bernadette was trying to console Penny when she heard the laptop beep again. "This had better be an apology for Sheldon's sake."

"If it isn't, then it's over for good," Penny snarled.

But it was an apology.

'_Dear Penny,_

_I'm very sorry I was such an idiot and upset you._

_I hope you change your mind about accepting the award for me. If you do, you can accept the award in your own words. The ceremony is being held in New York next month. I'll email you separately with the details. _

_Sheldon'_

Bernadette gave a squeal of delight as she thought of something. "I could come with you, and we could go shopping."

"Is this for the Crowther Awards for Science?" Amy asked.

Penny opened up the secondary email that swiftly followed the first one. "Uh, yeah."

"Goodie!" Amy clapped her hands together. "We can go together. I will be attending as Faisal's representative of the Fowler Foundation. We could share a room."

Penny had no intention of sharing with anyone, and definitely not Amy. "Sheldon's already booked mine for me and it only has one bed."

Amy sighed disappointedly. "I've never had a sleepover before."

"You're sort of having one tonight," Bernadette reminded her.

"I didn't think of that," Amy said, before going on. "If you can't share a bed, then would you like to share a ride on Faisal's private jet with me?"

Amy suddenly went up in Penny's estimation. "A private jet to New York? Oh my God! If you do that I'll be your best friend forever."

Amy jumped up and dashed over to her bag. "I have my laptop here. I will email him at once to tell him that you and Bernadette will be joining me." She smiled happily at Penny. "Bestie!"

Deciding she'd be better off not trying to explain the saying didn't exactly mean she'd truly be Amy's best friend forever, Penny went back to perusing Sheldon's second email. "Sheldon said that he has a table for 10 reserved in his name and that his mother, who will be in New York visiting her cousin Jane, will be attending with Missy."

"What about Meemaw?" Bernadette asked.

"Thank heavens Sheldon doesn't mention her," Penny said happily. "He also mentions you, as he said Amy will be hosting her own table."

"But that's only four people."

"Perhaps he only knows four people who want to go as his guests," Penny said, not laboring under any delusions as to Sheldon's likability.

"My table is almost full," Amy revealed, "although I have yet to acquire a date to accompany me."

"Two dates in one year?" Penny asked, her voice full of irony, something Amy, just like Sheldon, didn't always get.

"I'm afraid so, but I understand that the social convention is that one brings a date to such functions."

"So, who will you ask?" Bernadette asked.

"I have no one in mind and have considered applying to a dating agency, although I am convinced it's complete hokum."

"I might know of someone who would want to go as your date," Penny said, after a long moment thinking through the people she knew who might be willing to go on a date with Amy. "Stuart from the comic bookstore."

"The weird owner?" Amy had accompanied Penny the previous week to buy Sheldon's comics that Stuart had put aside while Sheldon was away.

"Yes."

"I suppose he would be acceptable, although he should be aware that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are excluded from our date."

"Believe me, I don't think you'll have any worries there," Penny said, smiling. "When we went out on a date, the poor thing thought coffee meant coffee."

Bernadette laughed but Amy was completely bamboozled. "Coffee is coffee, isn't it?"

"If you ask a guy in for coffee after a date it usually means you're offering more than coffee."

"Pastries?" Amy asked in a Sheldon-like manner.

"Sex," Bernadette said bluntly. "She was offering Stuart sex."

This begged the question, "Have you slept with all of Sheldon's friends?"

"Good grief, no!" Penny exclaimed. "I've kissed Stuart and, heaven forbid, Leonard. But I have never ever done anything with Wolowitz or Raj."

"You let Wolowitz touch your hand," Amy corrected. "That is almost as bad as letting Leonard kiss you."

Penny decided not to reveal she almost got a lot further with Leonard, preferring to think of it as a time when she had lost her mind. "Can we change the subject?"

"I'd say yes, but I'm shattered, so I think I'm going to bed," Bernadette said, yawning sleepily. "Thanks for letting me stay over tonight, Penny."

"Sorry it's going to be a bit of a squeeze but Sheldon's bed is only a twin."

"She could sleep with me in your bed," Amy offered, "although if you do I should warn you that I'm prone to night terrors and sometimes bite."

"Appealing, but no," Bernadette said, before walking out and into Sheldon's bathroom.

Penny followed Amy across to her flat. "Towels are there and we're just across the hall."

"If you find it difficult to sleep with Bernadette, you may also sleep with me."

"I can always bunk on the couch if that happens," Penny said.

"Goodnight," Amy murmured as Penny headed out. "Don't forget, if you change your mind, I'm always here."

"I won't. Night."

"Night... Bestie!"

* * *

_**Two Weeks Later**_

When a limousine pulled up to her apartment to take her to the airport, Penny was glad she had dressed up in a smart, albeit short, black skirt and a crisp white blouse. She gave a happy screech as she saw Bernadette and Amy inside. "I can't believe I'm really going to ride to the airport in a limousine. I usually go on the bus."

"I've never been in one until now," Amy revealed. "Faisal has ordinary private cars so as not to stand out."

"What about your prom?" Bernadette asked.

"I went stag and my mother insisted on driving me in her Honda Civic. She then remained by my side all night as a chaperone."

"I went to my high school prom in the back of a truck!" Penny said, laughing. "Me and my best friend were in our best dresses sitting with a dog that I swear I had fleas!"

"I'd have taken the fleas any day. My dad drove me and my date in his police car," Bernadette revealed. "I thought my date would pee his pants he was so scared of Dad, who kept patting his gun the whole time."

After a short drive, the giggling girls were soon boarding the private plane and Penny found herself seated in a plush leather chair. She was stunned to see the earliest arrival, who was already seated. "Amy, isn't that Dr. Gablehauser?"

"Faisal asked him to attend as a guest of the Foundation and he is also my date."

"I thought you were asking Stuart," Bernadette said, only then realizing that if she had then they would probably have already picked him up.

"I did ask Stuart," Amy said. "But he told me his only good outfit was a tux that smelt like dog urine. I therefore decided he would not make a suitable dinner partner. His getting on his knees and begging was also rather off-putting."

"Yeah, I can totally see that," Penny said, before waving at Dr. Gablehauser, and she took a glass of champagne from the hostess. She grimaced when she spotted the newest arrival walking up the steps. "Oh God, it's Wolowitz."

"Sheldon asked if we would transport him," Amy said apologetically. "I did enquire if they could crate him in the hold but unhappily I was told not."

"Are you being serious?" Bernadette asked.

"Why would I be joking?" Amy asked in confusion.

"Forget it," Bernadette said and she grimaced as Howard boarded, smiling lasciviously at the stewardesses.

"Greetings, fair maidens of the air."

"Just ignore him," Penny advised as she spotted the uncertain look on the girls' faces. "And if he gives you any grief during the flight, I'll open the door while you throw him out. I think only his mother would mind if he doesn't make it to the end of the journey."

"That's nice to know," one of the stewardesses said, before she pointed at a seat. "Sir, please sit down for take-off."

"I was just being nice," Howard complained.

"They don't need your kind of nice," Bernadette said, backing Penny up.

With a somewhat disgruntled Howard seated, the plane took and was soon jetting across the US. Penny was a little confused though when she noticed they were coming into land but it wasn't in New York. "Um, why are we landing in wherever this is?"

"We have a guest to pick up, Ma'am," the stewardess of earlier explained. "It will only be a short stop before we take off again. We'll also be making a secondary stop later."

After the new arrival, Missy, was safely onboard, they took off again before landing in Chicago, and Penny watched as they landed and then a car came out to the runway, with two familiar figures getting out of it. "Oh my God! It's Raj and Sheldon!"

Bernadette gave a screech and leapt out of her seat, almost knocking over the stewardess to reach the top of the stairs that had been pushed into place. She had had every intention of leaping onto Raj but was unable to miss that he and an official were helping Sheldon up the stairs.

The moment Sheldon reached the top of the stairs, he grinned stupidly at Penny, who had joined Bernadette, and said, "Surprise!" He then started giggling hysterically.

"What's wrong with him?" Penny asked in alarm.

Raj smiled as he helped his friend onto the plane. "He's drugged to the eyeballs. But he made things worse by snatching my glass of wine I was drinking while we waited for you to arrive, so now he's drunk and drugged."

"Sit him here, by me," Penny said, pointing to where she was sitting. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?"

"Surprise!" Sheldon said again, before resorting to his manic giggling.

"As Sheldon is trying to tell you, we wanted to surprise you," Raj said, helping Sheldon into his seat.

"It's a surprise alright," Penny said, and she received her second one as Sheldon tugged at her as she was stepping over his feet so that she landed in his lap. "Sheldon, what are you doing?"

"Surprise!"

"Is that all he can say?" Missy asked, rather amused at the state of her brother.

"Smell nice," Sheldon said, as he nuzzled his face in Penny's neck. Penny gave a squeak when Sheldon gently nipped at her neck before his hand snaked into her hair and pulled her head down for a kiss.

"I guess he missed her," Missy said to Amy, who nodded in agreement.

When Penny surfaced, she turned to look at Missy. "Uh, sorry about that."

"It's nice to see my brother is actually capable of human emotions," Missy assured her.

"Surprise!" Sheldon bleated again before his eyes began to close and moments later he began snoring gently.

"He's been alternating between drunken giggling and snoring," Raj said, smiling as Bernadette snuggled up to him, wishing she could sit on his lap but needing to be seated ready for take-off. 'Oh, and when he wakes up he keeps screaming 'danger, danger'."

Penny attempted to move, only for Sheldon to wrap his arms tightly around her and hold her closer. "Sheldon, sweetie, you have to let go of me."

Sheldon slept on, forcing Missy to help Penny.

"Shelly, honey, let go of the big dog. It bites," Missy whispered in her brother's ear.

Sheldon hurriedly let go as he gave a scream and yelled out 'Danger, dang…' before he reverted to snoring and slumped against the window.

"I must remember that one," Penny said.

"I save it for special occasions," Missy confided. "I don't want him to get too used to hearing about big dogs. Dilutes the magic."

Penny jumped when Sheldon suddenly shot up and looked anxiously around, before spotting her, putting his arm awkwardly around her and letting his head fall onto her shoulder.

"Let's hope he stays nice and quiet," Missy said, patting Sheldon on the cheek before she returned to her seat.

But it wasn't to be and Sheldon proved to be exactly the opposite, something he was going to learn about when he came to his senses again.

**Next time: Sheldon has to face his feelings.**


	17. The Inner Demon Release

**Disclaimer: ****Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 17: The Inner Demon Release**

As Sheldon started to come out of his sleep, he became aware of the sound of the television. As his befuddled brain began to make sense of what was happening, memories of being forced into bed by Raj began to return.

"Hello, sleepyhead."

"Missy!" Sheldon squawked as he pulled the bedclothes up to his neck when he realized he was almost naked under the sheets. "What are you doing in my room?"

"We drew the short straw," Raj said grumpily, having imagined spending this time with Bernadette, who was currently holed up with Penny. "We're on Sheldon watch."

"Sheldon watch?"

"You got a little out of control, sugar."

"I don't understand. I'm always in control."

"If you think that then you should see this," Raj said, before moving over to where he had left his laptop and starting up a video. "It's the third in a series called 'Scientists Gone Wild'."

Sheldon watched as he ran through the hotel lobby calling for Penny. "I wouldn't call it that wild."

"That was the tame part. We couldn't catch you to do any more filming in the hotel but by the time Bernadette brought you down with a flying tackle, you had stolen all of the flower arrangements out of the second and third floor hallways."

"Raj had to convince the hotel staff that you'd had an adverse reaction to drugs, and they only agreed to let you stay if two of us were with you at all times on Sheldon watch."

"And Penny didn't offer?"

"No, after what you did on the plane, she opted to draw straws with all of us."

"What do you mean, what I did on the plane? What plane?"

"You'll see," Raj said, clicking on another video instead of answering Sheldon's bewildered questions.

As the video started up, Sheldon stared at the screen as he danced in the aisle of the plane, his arm around Penny as he sang Pink's 'Get the Party Started'.

"Fascinating."

Missy grinned. "You can say that again. I didn't even know you knew that record."

"That's what so fascinating, neither did I."

"But this is even more fascinating," Missy said, pointing at the screen.

Sheldon hid his face as his earlier self began to unbutton his shirt. "Please tell me I don't."

"For the sanctity of my sanity I'd like to lie and say you didn't, my friend, but sadly you did."

Sheldon gave a deep moan as he looked back at the screen to see himself now half-naked and gyrating uncontrollably.

"Why didn't anyone stop me?"

"It's a private flight and the stewardesses are apparently used to some pretty wild partying going on," Missy explained, having asked one of the stewardesses exactly the same question Sheldon had just asked her.

"Why didn't _you_ stop me?"

"Because I didn't realize you'd go that far," Missy said.

"And who filmed this?" Sheldon asked in a strangled voice as his screen self put his arms around Penny again and pulled her against him.

"Who do you think filmed it?" Raj asked. "I'll give you a clue by saying it wasn't me. Bernadette wouldn't let me."

As a voice began singing Let's Get It On, it was obvious who had been holding the camera phone.

"And he wonders why I downgraded him to Occasional Colleague Wolowitz," Sheldon muttered before his attention was pulled back to the screen as Howard stopped singing and yelled out 'Yeah, go for it, Sheldon, my man'.

The reason behind Howard's excited yell was evident as Sheldon looked back at the screen to see that his earlier self had pulled Penny on to his lap and was kissing her quite passionately. Screen Sheldon groaned as his hand disappeared up inside of Penny's blouse before breaking off the kiss and announcing he'd made second base. Then Sheldon winced as Penny slapped his screen self as he put his hand up her short skirt.

"You really should have stopped me."

Raj shrugged. "You seemed to be having fun and it wasn't as if you were doing anything dangerous."

"That was dangerous – Penny hit me!" Sheldon exclaimed in dismay.

"It didn't do much to put you off," Raj told his friend as the video ended. "In the next video you declared you were joining the Mile High Club."

Even Sheldon knew what this was and he vehemently denied it. "I can't believe I'd have made such an incorrect statement about an aircraft's flying height nor do I have any interest in coitus."

Raj thought differently. "Sober, boring, Goodie Two Shoes Sheldon might not but his inner demon, drunk, drugged Evil Sheldon most definitely wants to have coitus."

"That is why, after viewing my appalling, wild and uncharacteristic behavior, I'm going to ensure that Evil Sheldon is never going to see the light of day again."

Missy sighed and decided to take her brother in hand. "Shelly, honey, you were only so wild because you need to let loose once in a while. Most of us did it at school but you never got that chance."

"I never wanted it," Sheldon said vehemently.

"Maybe not then, but you do now."

A horrifying thought suddenly struck Sheldon. "I didn't, did I?"

"Not for a lack of trying on your part, but no, you didn't," Raj said. "In the end, because we were coming in to land, Bernadette told you that if you didn't behave she'd make you sleep in Howard's room tonight."

"And that worked?"

"Even Evil Sheldon didn't want that."

"Probably because Evil Sheldon knew he'd be killing Howard for filming him if he did," Sheldon complained. "How could he? Once again my reputation is in ruins."

"Actually, it's quite the opposite," Raj told him. "You're now up to twenty thousand views and pretty much all of them are positive. However, Leonard Hofstadter was the first to post a negative comment."

Sheldon groaned as loudly as his screen counterpart had done moments earlier. "He's probably complaining to the faculty right now."

"Dr. Gablehauser thought it hilarious, and nobody else at work seems to care. Look at what Kripke wrote."

Sheldon looked down the comments section until he found Kripke's comment, which he read out loud. '_Didn't think you had it in you, Cooper. Party on, dude!'_

"There's also one from President Siebert," Raj informed him.

Sheldon gave a horrified wail. "I'm more doomed than a redshirt!"

"Just read it," Raj urged, a wicked smile playing across his lips as he took a mouthful of beer. "I do believe it's on page twenty."

After finding it, Sheldon again read the comment out loud. "'_Interesting tattoo!' _But I don't have a tattoo."

"Look on your back," Raj said, his smile growing larger.

Not caring he was almost naked, Sheldon leapt out of bed, running to the mirror. Spotting a black shadow on his shoulder, he gave a whimper. "Evil Sheldon must be destroyed."

Raj was going to let Sheldon suffer, but Missy took pity on her brother. "Shelly, relax, it's just permanent marker."

"Spoilsport," Raj grumbled, before telling Sheldon, "Howard wrote on you when you fell asleep without your shirt on."

The sound of a key being inserted into the lock interrupted them and all three of them turned towards the door as it opened.

Penny gave an exasperated sigh as she took in Sheldon standing in his white underwear. "It still hasn't worn off?"

"He's fine, sugar," Missy said as she got up. "I'll leave you two alone and inform the front desk that Sheldon is back to normal, well as normal as my brother gets."

"See you," Raj said, sprinting past Missy and Penny in order to get out before he could be held back.

* * *

Sheldon was the first to say something after the door closed behind Missy. "Hello."

"Hello, Sheldon," Penny said, her voice not entirely friendly.

"You're mad at what I did, aren't you?"

"Yes and no."

Sheldon shifted nervously, his hands in front of Sheldon Junior.

"For goodness sake, put this on," Penny said, grabbing a robe and throwing it at Sheldon.

"Are you going to break up with me again?" Sheldon asked in a small and pathetic voice as he tugged on the robe.

"Huh?"

"I've seen the videos. I treated you terribly," Sheldon said in explanation of his comment.

"Sheldon, you copped a feel when you were smashed," Penny said. "It isn't anything I haven't had happen to me before."

"Well, you may rest assured that it will never happen again," Sheldon promised, "at least not at my hands."

"This is why you make me mad," Penny said, confusing Sheldon all the more than he had been a few moments ago. "We've been together on and off for almost a year and I've gone without sex for that long. And do you know why?"

"You've decided that coitus isn't a good idea?" Sheldon asked hopefully.

"No, it's because of how I feel about you, Sheldon," Penny said. "And what do you do? You decide to try it on with me on a plane full of people when we're being filmed."

"But I was drunk and drugged and didn't know what I was doing."

"Some part of you must have."

Sheldon's face took on a stubborn expression. "I don't want to talk about Evil Sheldon."

"Evil Sheldon?" Penny echoed, unable to help smiling at the description.

"According to Raj, he's me when I'm drunk and drugged. But as I told him and Missy, he's never going to see the light of day again."

"Sheldon, sweetie, I don't mind Evil Sheldon coming out if we're together without company, but…"

"But nothing, Penny," Sheldon said firmly. "I could have ruined the career I have finally managed to redeem, and I will never, ever let Evil Sheldon out again."

"Fine, no Evil Sheldon," Penny said, trying to be patient. "But it's time you admitted that you want sex, Sheldon, even if you don't think you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, Sheldon, you do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"No, Penny, I categorically do not."

"For crying out loud, Sheldon, even Spock gets laid," Penny said, getting annoyed at him.

"Spock is affected by blood lust and has little choice in the matter. I, however, do, and I have no wish to ever indulge in coitus."

"In that case, I'm sorry but I can't do this any more."

"So you _are_ breaking up with me."

Although she didn't want to do it, Penny hoped that Sheldon would capitulate if she threatened him. "Yes, Sheldon, unless you at least consider having sex with me I'm breaking up with you."

"I'm not having coitus," Sheldon said stubbornly, refusing to back down.

"Fine then, we're over, and you can accept your own damn award," Penny flung over her shoulder as she headed out of the room.

* * *

As Penny was marching down the corridor, barely holding back her tears, she bumped into Mary Cooper.

"My, my, now what's set the cat among the pigeons?"

Penny began to howl loudly, and Mary put her arm around her. "Let's go to my room."

When Penny hesitated, Mary reassured her. "Mama isn't staying in my room."

"Meemaw is here?" Penny sobbed, thinking her day couldn't get much worse.

"Amy's grandmother pulled a switcheroo on Amy and brought Mama as her guest."

This made Penny cry all the more and once she had seated Penny on the bed, Mary headed over to the mini bar and took out a few miniatures of brandy. "I think you need this more than Missy will."

"But Missy doesn't drink," Penny said, defending her friend through her tears.

"That's awful nice of you to stick up for her, but that girl is as sharp as a marble if she thinks I don't know she drinks," Mary said, pushing the bottle of brandy towards Penny. "Now drink up."

Penny knocked back the brandy in one shot, shuddering but soon calming. "I'm sorry."

"I'd ask what the matter is but it's obvious that it has something to do with Shelly."

And so Penny blurted out what had happened between her and Sheldon before saying, "I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"Oh shoot, of course you should have," Mary said, handing over the second bottle of brandy. "Shelly obviously wants you but he's too darned stubborn to admit it, especially after denying he wants to enjoy the sins of the flesh after all these years of abstinence."

"And he's going to carry on denying it. He's refusing to let Evil Sheldon out again."

"I'm sorry to say that I can relate," Mary said, before making a confession. "Before I met Sheldon's Daddy, I was a lot like Evil Sheldon."

"You were?" Penny asked in a shocked voice.

"Heck yes. A bottle of strawberry wine and I'd have been joining the Mile High Club a whole lot faster than Shelly tried to."

"You've seen the videos?" Penny asked, still trying to get over her shock.

"I doubt there's a soul staying in this hotel that hasn't," Mary responded, "including Mama."

"I suppose she blames me."

"One hundred percent," Mary confirmed. "But I know differently and I also know that it's time we gave my stubborn son a little help along the way."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that tomorrow you and I are going shopping to find you a pretty dress to wear. And then you're going to flirt as if it's going out of fashion."

"But Sheldon doesn't understand flirting."

"No, but he'll understand when he sees the girl he loves in someone else's arms."

"Sheldon doesn't love me."

"Pish," Mary said dismissively. "He might not know it or he might be denying it but my Shelly is head over heels for you."

"But he can't be."

"That sweet Indian boy told me all about Shelly's time at the North Pole."

"You've lost me," Penny had to admit.

"Apparently Shelly was like a bear with a sore head if he couldn't email you or if you hadn't emailed him. Raj said Shelly even messed up one of his experiments because he kept rushing back to check to see if you'd emailed."

Aware of how much his experiments meant to Sheldon, Penny's eyes began to well up again. "Really?"

"Absolutely," Mary said in a reassuring voice. "Trust me, my pig-headed son loves you and we're going to make him so jealous that he's going to resemble that Hulk character he loves so much."

While Penny was plotting with Mary, in his room, Sheldon was sitting miserably on his bed. After a while, spotting his suitcase, he got up and opened it, pulling out Mr. Ramsay. And then, without putting on his pajamas or following his usual nighttime routine, he curled up in the bed with the teddy bear, quietly muttering, "I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her."

* * *

_The Next Night_

Wearing the sexiest dress she and Mary could find, Penny finished applying her make-up before nodding at herself in the mirror. "Tonight we party."

She then headed downstairs to join Amy's table.

Across from them, on Sheldon's table, Howard gave a low whistle. "Ay Carumba, will you take a look at Penny?"

Sheldon glanced over to see that Penny was wearing a dress that left little to the imagination. While the hem was a respectable length, it had a side split all the way up to the top of Penny's thigh, and the back and front both plunged to almost indecent levels.

Meemaw, who, at Mary's suggestion, had been swapped out to sit on Sheldon's table, made a disgusted sound in her throat. "She looks like a cheap floozy, flaunting her body like that. Anyone would think she's trying to sell herself to the highest bidder."

"I'd bid on that," Howard announced, almost drooling over the tablecloth.

Bernadette elbowed him sharply in the ribs before defending her friend. "Well, I think she looks amazing. Don't you, Sheldon?"

Even though he actually agreed with Bernadette, Sheldon, however, was still sulking and so he sided with his grandmother. "Meemaw is right, she looks cheap and I don't want to talk about her." He then turned away.

* * *

Penny was upset that, after giving her one glance, Sheldon appeared to be ignoring her, not once looking in her direction, not even when Amy went up to accept his award on his behalf.

As couples began dancing, Amy moved over to sit by Penny. "Hello, Bestie."

"Hi, Amy. I want to thank you for agreeing to let me switch tables tonight."

"Meemaw was only too happy to be reunited with her Moonpie," Amy informed Penny.

Penny glanced over at the table and grimaced at the happy look on Meemaw's face. "I bet she's telling her Moonpie what a lucky escape he's had from the nasty little slutty, slut, slut."

Amy divulged what Bernadette had let slip. "She is. She told everyone you were acting like a floozy on offer to the highest bidder."

"Did Sheldon say anything?"

"He agreed," Amy said, before hurriedly going on before Penny could get too upset. "But Bernadette said that it's because Sheldon is hot and bothered by your outfit."

"He hasn't looked at me once except for when he came in."

"He has Raj on Penny watch," Amy explained. "He's been telling Sheldon what you're doing."

This made Penny feel better, but she was still concerned. "Do you think I overdid it?"

"If I had a gorgeously slutty body as you do, then I would use every available moment to flaunt it like a cheap whore."

"Thanks!"

Missing the slight sarcasm in Penny's voice, Amy reached out and hugged Penny. "You're welcome, Bestie."

A flash almost blinded Penny and she turned to see Howard standing with a camera. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Taking a photo."

"Why?" Penny asked, aware there was more to it than that with Howard.

"I'm going to add it to my girl on girl collection," Howard announced.

"You really are the most revolting little specimen, aren't you?" Penny said as Howard checked out his photo.

"I like to think of myself as opportunistic," Howard said, smiling as he looked at the picture he'd just taken. "And now that you've broken up with Sheldon again, how about having the next dance with me?"

"Howard, I want to get laid, not commit suicide," Penny barked out, not happy with the reminder about Sheldon.

"Commit suicide?"

"If I danced with you I'd want to kill myself in the morning," Penny said, before walking off.

Amy noticed the hurt look cross Howard's face and said, "I find you completely repulsive but if you require a partner for this dance then I would be willing to dance with you. My own partner is getting on down with Mrs. Cooper."

"I'm not a consolation prize," Howard said bitterly, before shrugging and saying, "Oh, what the hell. Let's dance."

"You should know that your hands must never drift below my waist," Amy warned him.

"Absolutely," Howard promised, thinking that Amy had said nothing about moving above her waist and, as he had just said, he was opportunistic.

* * *

Across the room, with Raj on the dance floor with Bernadette, Sheldon was forced to watch Penny himself. And he did so, feeling miserable as a tall and good looking man led Penny onto the dance floor and began to strut his stuff for her. She then moved on to someone different. This went on for almost an hour before it became too much for Sheldon, and, grabbing Raj's whisky, Sheldon knocked it back, shuddering violently at the repugnant taste.

"Moonpie, what are you doing?"

"I'm giving Penny what she wants," Sheldon said, glancing at his former girlfriend as she gyrated on the dance floor.

"I don't understand."

"I'm going to be Evil Sheldon," Sheldon said to his confused grandmother before grabbing Bernadette's glass of wine and also knocking that back.

From the dance floor, Raj saw what Sheldon was doing as he moved on to the next drink on the table. "Oh no, Sheldon alert."

Bernadette stopped Raj from going over to Sheldon. "No, leave him alone. Penny is just trying to make him jealous. She and Mrs. Cooper thought if Penny flirted lots and dressed provocatively that Sheldon would blow his top and admit how he feels about her."

"In that case, I don't think their plan is working. Look." Raj nodded his head towards the far side of the room.

"Oh crap!" Bernadette said.

Instead of confronting Penny, Sheldon had instead walked over to one of the prettiest girls at the award ceremony and placed himself in front of her.

"Hello."

The girl smiled sexily at Sheldon. "You're that guy from Scientists Gone Wild, aren't you?"

Sheldon debated touting his more worthy causes of being famous, before settling on, "Yes, I am. Would you like to get wild with me?"

"I'd love to," the girl said. "My name is Monica."

"I'm Dr. Cooper," Sheldon reciprocated. "Let's get this party started."

Across the dance floor Penny watched in dismay as Monica flirted openly with Sheldon, leaning in so that he could look down her dress. "And his grandmother thinks I'm a slut..."

"What?" Penny's dance partner said.

"Nothing." Penny, however, continued looking across the room as Monica kept touching Sheldon's arm and laughing vivaciously every time he spoke. Penny was able to ignore what was happening until the dance ended and Monica grabbed Sheldon's head, her mouth covering his.

As Penny bolted from the room, Sheldon pulled away and wiped his mouth in disgust. "No-one but Penny is allowed to do that."

Monica pouted. "Penny?"

"My ex-girlfriend," Sheldon said, glancing at the doorway through which Penny had just gone. "I was hoping to make her jealous and win her back."

"So you were using me?"

His tongue loosened by alcohol, Sheldon was brutally honest. "I would have thought that obvious."

Monica slapped Sheldon hard across the face and stormed off.

Howard had broken off dancing with Amy to film what was going on and he said, "Are you nuts? She's the second hottest chick here and you could have had her."

"I don't want her, I want Penny." Sheldon then ran off, intending to speak to Penny, only to see her disappearing into the ladies' bathroom. "Darn it."

Amy came out, having watched the whole altercation with Howard. "I do believe you messed up, Sheldon."

Despite his slightly hazy head, Sheldon realized this. "I know, Amy. Will you fetch Penny for me?"

"Are you going to make up?"

"If she'll let me," Sheldon said, glancing at the door.

Amy held back from doing a victory dance that their plan had worked, and instead she calmly said, "Then I'll talk to her, but I can promise you nothing." She then went into the bathroom where she found Penny in tears, trying to stop her mascara from running. "Sheldon is outside. The plan worked. He wants to talk to you."

"Well, I don't want to talk to him," Penny snapped. "I'm going home."

"As your best friend it is my duty to tell you that you would be making a mistake."

"Didn't you see him? He was all over that slut."

"Actually, she was, as you term it, all over Sheldon, until he refused her advances."

"He did what?"

"He told that slutty girl that only you were allowed to kiss him. And then he told her he was only using her to make you jealous."

Penny sniffed. "Really?"

"Of course, why would I lie?" Amy said. "You're my best friend."

Penny grabbed Amy and hugged her. "Thank you… Bestie."

Amy had to fight to hold back her tears at Penny's words, and she held on tightly to Penny before letting go and wiping her eyes. "Sheldon is waiting."

Penny checked her reflection and walked out to discover Sheldon pacing up and down. She then coolly said, "Amy said you want to see me."

"I don't want to be Evil Sheldon," Sheldon blurted out, wringing his hands over and over again. "But I still want to be your boyfriend."

Penny relented at the pitiful sight. "I want you to be my boyfriend too but, Sheldon, I need more than having to beg you for a kiss. I need you to... oomph!"

Penny's oomph came about as Sheldon pulled her to him, his mouth pressing against hers, giving her exactly what she wanted.

As Penny's tongue dove into his mouth, Sheldon wrapped his arms around her and copied her actions.

This would have gone on for a good deal longer if a polite cough hadn't been heard.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we were quite specific about Doctor Cooper…"

Penny took hold of Sheldon's hand and told a little white lie. "He's not drunk or drugged. We were just making up."

"If you could move it to somewhere a little private, we would appreciate it," the girl in uniform said.

"Let's go to your room," Penny suggested, only to scowl as a familiar voice came wafting out of the ballroom.

"Moonpie! Moonpie!"

"At least she only does it twice," Penny said as she turned with Sheldon to face his grandmother.

"Where you are going with that floozy?"

Sheldon had listened to his grandmother make snide comments about Penny all evening and he was, by now, well aware that she was never going to approve of Penny. He therefore tugged his hand free of Penny's.

Meemaw looked delighted until Sheldon instead put his arm around Penny's shoulders and drew her closer to him.

"Moonpie, what are you doing?"

"Meemaw, I know you don't like Penny but I do."

"Moonpie, you could do so much better."

"I don't see how," Howard interrupted. "She's the hottest girl here."

"Howard is right," Sheldon said, pulling Penny even closer. "And if you'll excuse us, my hot gal and I are going upstairs to my room to do the wild thing."

Penny was proud of Sheldon, even though she suspected he'd panic if she held him to his word. However, thwarting Granny Ghastly was her number one priority at that moment. "Oh yeah, all night long."

Howard dove into his back pocket, pulling out and shoving a long strip of condoms into Sheldon's hand. "You need these more than I do. Make me proud."

"I intend to," Sheldon said, as he smiled widely, before turning and leading Penny into the elevator. "Goodnight everyone."

As the doors closed, Penny said, "You really had Meemaw believing you."

"I meant every word."

Penny was stunned as Sheldon turned her towards him. "So we're really going to do this?"

After kissing her, Sheldon said firmly, "Yes, Penny, we're really going to do this."

**Next time: Breasts 101**


	18. The Wolowitz Slaver Disruption

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 18: The Wolowitz Slaver Disruption**

Once Penny had opened her door, Sheldon slipped back into normal Sheldon mode. "Penny, how can you stay in a hotel room when it looks like this?"

Penny took in the carpet of underwear that she had tried on and discarded before settling on the black thong she was wearing. "You'd made me mad and I couldn't decide what to wear under this dress."

"Not a lot I should imagine," Sheldon said as he began to pick up Penny's undergarments up off the floor.

"I was just trying to make you jealous," Penny said as she watched Sheldon.

"Then I suppose it worked."

"I figured that when I saw you with the slut."

"Her name was Monica," Sheldon said, trying to be helpful.

"Sheldon, her name was slut and don't even bother arguing with me," Penny warned as she pointed to the open suitcase. "You can dump that lot in there."

Sheldon was scandalized. "Aren't you going to fold them first?"

"Sheldon, just dump them in. I have more important things to be getting on with."

"What could be more important than neatly folding your clothing?"

"Having sex." Penny opened the bathroom door. "So in we go."

"You want to have coitus in the bathroom?"

"No, but I imagine you're going to want to shower first," Penny said, grabbing two large fluffy towels.

"But I shower alone and I could never shower in a room that looks like this."

Penny had make-up strewn everywhere and wet towels were dumped on the floor.

"Then go back to your room and shower, and I'll join you shortly."

* * *

Sheldon had just left his bathroom, his robe tightly tied around him when a knock sounded at the door. Opening it, he discovered Penny standing in her coat. "Penny, why are you wearing a coat? Are we going out?"

"No, but I didn't want to walk along the corridor in my panties," Penny said.

Sheldon gulped. "You're not wearing anything under there?"

"Yes, Sheldon, I'm wearing my panties," Penny said as her hand went to the belt of her coat.

"If you take that off you'll be cold," Sheldon remarked. "Might I suggest a nice pair of jeans and a sweater?"

Penny's hands stilled. "You're backing out, aren't you?"

"Not exactly but I'd like to talk about what I said in the elevator." Sheldon winced at the annoyed look that appeared on Penny's face. "You're angry with me."

"No, Sheldon, I'm not angry. I'm just frustrated because we're back to square one. I want sex and you obviously don't."

"I didn't lie in the elevator."

It was then that Penny realized that Sheldon's face hadn't twitched at all. "You really want to have sex with me?"

"Not at all."

"Sheldon, that means you were lying!"

"Lying is not in my nature, Penny."

"You're confusing me, Sheldon."

"Would you like me to find a whiteboard and demonstrate with a diagram?"

"No, Sheldon!" Penny squealed. "You say you didn't lie in the elevator and then you say lying is not in your nature but you've also just told me that you don't want to have sex with me. How confusing is that?"

"I find it rather straightforward."

"Sheldon!"

To Sheldon it was very clear. "In simple terms, Penny, I do not want to have coitus with you or anyone else, but, as I said in the elevator, I am going to have coitus with you."

"Why, Sheldon?"

"So that you'll continue to be my girlfriend."

Penny put him on the spot. "Why is it that important for me to continue to be your girlfriend, Sheldon?"

Sheldon took a moment before answering, "Because you make lump free oatmeal."

"Anything else?"

Not quite sure of what Penny expected him to say, Sheldon shifted nervously from foot to foot and said, "I have grown… accustomed to your presence."

Penny's mouth pursed up. "So there's no other reason?"

Sheldon knew he was doing something wrong but despite his superior intellect, he was unable to figure out what it was and so he had to ask, "What other reason could there be?"

"How about feelings for me?"

"Well, I like you."

"You _like_ me?" Penny screeched.

"I like you… a lot?" Sheldon asked hesitantly, again unsure what Penny wanted from him.

What Penny wanted at that moment was to scream. "Right now I'm seriously questioning my sanity."

"I could always get you tested. Mom knows the perfect place."

"I give up."

"You should never give up, Penny."

Penny sighed. "Why not?"

Having read through a great deal of quotes when trying to win Penny back, Sheldon was able to recall the perfect one for that moment. "Because our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

"You really think so?"

Sheldon nodded. "Yes, and to offer up another quote from Edison, 'many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up'."

Penny felt a little happier. "So I'm close to getting what I want?"

Sheldon brought her back down to earth. "No, but you should keep on trying."

Penny gave Sheldon a look that spoke volumes. "Give me one good reason why I should."

Sheldon had a horrible feeling that if he didn't, Penny would once again leave him. He therefore recalled his conversation with Bernadette about his feelings for Penny. "Because if you didn't and you dumped me again, it would be as if someone had told me that I'd never win a Nobel Prize despite my being a genius."

Penny knew how much this meant to Sheldon and gave him the benefit of the doubt. "In that case I'm not giving up on you _or_ on having sex with you."

"But no coitus tonight," Sheldon specified.

Penny gritted her teeth before saying, "Then I want something else in return."

"You'll have to be more explicit."

"Do you remember when you gave me the lesson about science when I decided I wanted to learn more about what you do?"

"The memory of it is forever ingrained in my mind," Sheldon said, before sniggering in his usual breathless manner. "I still find it droll that you thought that Louis Pasteur invented milk."

"Hey, give me a break," Penny said in a snotty voice. "Pasteur, pasteurization, hence the milk."

Taking in Penny's scowl, Sheldon suddenly became aware he was on rocky ground and relented a little. "At least you were half right, and while we're on the subject of milk, did you know that the Mongols are credited with inventing dried milk?

"No, and I don't care."

"But it's such a fascinating subject," Sheldon said, wondering why on earth Penny wouldn't want to hear about it. "And…"

"And we're getting off topic," Penny said before Sheldon could launch back into his speech. "We're talking about having a lesson."

"A lesson about waitressing?"

"Why would I be giving you a lesson about waitressing?"

Sheldon shrugged. "I have no idea. It's too far menial a job for me to ever be interested in."

Penny folded her arms across her chest and gave Sheldon a furious look. "Sheldon, unless you want me to do something painful to you I suggest you shut up!"

"But how will I know what the lesson is about if I don't ask?"

"It's about sex, Sheldon. Sex. Not work, sex. Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!"

Penny's voice had gradually grown louder and louder as she had been speaking, and Sheldon said peevishly, "You said you weren't angry. But you seem angry to me."

"I should have asked for two reasons," Penny muttered, before taking a deep breath. "Sheldon, I'm not angry, so let's start the lesson."

"But I don't need a lesson. I read a book on sex when I was in the North Pole."

This intrigued Penny. "Why?"

"Because Raj warned me it was a good idea."

"Thank you, Raj," Penny said softly. "But nothing Raj could have suggested will help. This is going to be a practical lesson."

Sheldon was rather affronted. "You're saying my technique is lacking?"

"Sheldon, we're not just talking about kissing here."

"Good, because I happen to know that I'm a dang good kisser."

"How would you know that?"

"Because you told me I was three days before we broke up."

Penny had to admit she had done so. "Fine, since you're already a dang good kisser, we'll skip that lesson and move on to Breasts 101."

"There's no such class," Sheldon said, pulling his robe more tightly around him.

"For you there is."

Despite his good intentions, Sheldon began to panic as Penny's hands went to his belt. "Perhaps you should choose a different lesson."

"Uh-uh," Penny said, tugging the robe off Sheldon before beginning to undo his pajama top.

"Penny, I don't have breasts," Sheldon protested as he grabbed her hands.

"If I'm going topless, then so are you," Penny said, tugging at her hands.

"You don't have to go topless." Sheldon released Penny to yawn and stretch. "It's rather late and we could simply go to bed."

"No deal," Penny said, as she resumed her removal of Sheldon's pajama top. "See, that's not so bad, is it?"

"That's not the part I'm worried about."

As Penny began to unfasten her coat, Sheldon closed his eyes.

"Sheldon, you've seen breasts before."

"Not this close up and live, I haven't," Sheldon said, still not looking.

"Sheldon, open your eyes and give me your hand," Penny said softly.

Slowly cracking open his eyes, Sheldon met Penny's gaze. "Perhaps I should just put up with the lumpy oatmeal."

Penny scowled. "Do you really mean that?"

Sheldon gave in and said, "No."

Penny held out her hand. "Then give me your hand."

Sheldon placed his hand in Penny's, closing his eyes again as Penny placed it on her breast.

"You can now say you've reached second base with my permission and not by accident."

Almost immediately Sheldon whipped his hand away and backed off. "I'm sorry, Penny, I don't want to lose you but I can't do this. Please put your coat back on."

Penny, however, was not so ready to give up. "I have an idea. How about if we treat this like an experiment?"

Sheldon looked contemplatively at Penny. "What parameters do you suggest?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about but in Penny speak, you tell me what you're seeing and feeling and I'll give you feedback."

This idea made Sheldon feel a little more comfortable and not wanting Penny to change her mind about taking him back, he agreed. "That would be acceptable."

"Then come back here, put your hand back on my breast, and tell me what you're feeling."

Sheldon slowly and reluctantly lifted his hand up to cup Penny's breast. "It feels soft and warm, and oh..!"

Penny remembered Mrs. Cooper's advice about not startling Sheldon, and so she kept still as he brushed his thumb over her nipple again, which had instantly hardened the first time he'd brushed against it.

"Are you cold?"

"No."

"Are you afraid?"

"Only of never having sex again."

"I'll take that as a no." Sheldon then asked a third question. "Are you aroused?"

"Yes, Sheldon," Penny said, feeling rather weird telling him something so obvious. But she was willing to do whatever it took to eventually get Sheldon to have sex with her, and if it meant giving a blow by blow description of what she was feeling, then she was going to do it.

"Fascinating," Sheldon murmured as, unasked, he lifted his other hand and quickly brought Penny's other nipple to the same state of arousal.

He continued to do this for several minutes, mumbling softly to himself as he quickly figured out what Penny liked and amused himself by watching her reaction as he ran his thumbs over her nipples again and again. It came to an end when Penny interrupted him.

"Um, Sheldon," Penny said, struggling to hold back a moan. "Now would be a good time to kiss me."

Sheldon noted that Penny's eyes were half-closed. Still in scientific mode, Sheldon left his own eyes open as he kissed Penny, although they widened as her hands began to stroke his stomach and chest.

Sheldon broke off the kiss. "Penny, what are you doing?"

"Touching you," Penny said, running her hands over his chest, before her fingers brushed over his nipples.

"I doubt that is going to work," Sheldon said almost immediately, more from alarm than knowing for certain.

However, he proved to be right and a short time later Penny gave it up. "Okay then, nipples for you are out, but since I think you've done pretty well on Breasts 101, it's time to move on to Breasts 201."

"What more do I need to know?" Sheldon asked cockily. "Judging from the size of your pupil dilation, I've already brought you to a state of heightened arousal."

Penny smirked. "Let's just say that for this lesson hands will no longer be necessary."

Sheldon's cockiness vanished in an instant. "Oh dear Lord!"

"I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't but at a time like this it seemed the only way to go."

"Sheldon, you can treat it like an experiment again if it makes you feel more comfortable."

"It would but I won't be able to make observations with my mouth full," Sheldon protested.

"Then use that super brain of yours to remember what it feels like," Penny instructed, before moving over to the bed. "Come and lie beside me."

His heart clattering in his chest, Sheldon shakily walked over to the bed and gamely got on it beside Penny, before throwing up another obstacle. "Penny, I might hurt you."

"Sheldon, unless you decide to chew right through my nipple, you won't hurt me."

"Why would I do that?" Sheldon asked in bewilderment.

"Sheldon, it was simply an example of what not to do."

"Oh!" Sheldon then lowered his head until he was level with Penny's nipple. "What if it tastes funny?"

"It won't taste funny."

"But I only have your word for it."

Exasperated, Penny slid off the bed and came back with one of the complimentary chocolates that had been set out in the rooms. "If I rub this on it, will you do it?"

"I don't eat after ten o'clock."

"What are you, a Gremlin?"

Sheldon shook his head in disapproval. "Penny, Gremlins shouldn't be fed after midnight, not ten."

"Sheldon, does it matter?"

"Since the very premise of the film is not to feed the Gremlins after midnight, I have to go with yes, it does matter."

"Sheldon, just forget about the Gremlins."

"But you brought them up."

Penny's urge to scream returned. "Okay, I brought them up but I don't want to talk about them anymore."

"Then what movie would you like to discuss?" Sheldon asked, hoping to distract Penny from the subject he knew she'd move back onto.

"Sheldon, no movies, we're discussing Breasts 201."

"Do we have to?"

Penny decided to try negotiation. "If you give Breasts 201 a shot, I'll buy you the Stan Lee signed comic you were all but drooling over at the comic bookstore before we broke up and you left on your expedition."

"You're trying to buy me?"

"Is it working?"

"More than the chocolate option did."

"Then, hell yes, I'm trying to buy you."

"What are the terms of the sale?" Sheldon asked seriously.

Penny thought about it carefully before answering, "Twenty minutes of your time to indulge in sexual activity with me."

"Can I sub-contract?"

"No."

"Okay, but I want to specify no coitus and no touching of Sheldon Junior."

"Agreed."

Sheldon got up off the bed and headed over to his laptop. "I have an agreement I can amend."

"Sheldon!"

"It won't take but a moment," Sheldon said, flipping open the laptop, humming softly to himself as he did so.

"Sheldon, we can just shake on it."

"But I have an agreement…"

"And I have an itch I want to scratch."

"I have ointment for that."

In spite of her frustration, Penny couldn't help herself and she laughed. "Oh Sheldon, what the hell am I going to do with you? It's not that kind of itch and we don't need an agreement."

Sheldon closed down his laptop. "Very well. Even though I believe that an agreement is the most logical solution, I'm willing to shake hands with you and accept whatever we agree verbally."

"You'd really do that for me?"

"Yes, of course I would. I trust you, Penny."

Penny's heart melted, and she gave a happy squeal and launched herself at Sheldon wrapping her arms around his neck to pull his head down so that she could kiss him.

This time when they kissed, Sheldon shut his eyes, even when Penny took his hand and placed it on her breast. When she moved it lower to cup her bottom, she felt Sheldon start and she reminded him of her earlier suggestion. "Remember to just treat this like you would an experiment, okay?"

"Okay," Sheldon said, but anything he might have said about feeling Penny's bottom was swept away as Penny began kissing him again.

When Penny broke off the kiss and started sucking softly on his ear, now able to speak, Sheldon groaned lightly and said, "Penny, that feels weird and wonderful at the same time."

"So you like it?" Penny asked, stopping what she was doing.

"I should be totally disgusted but I find it strangely enjoyable," Sheldon admitted.

Penny returned to assaulting Sheldon's earlobe, her hands moving to cup his bottom as he unconsciously pushed against her. Then, as Penny began to explore his neck with her mouth, he said softly and more than a little nervously, "I'm not sure I like this anymore."

"Why not?"

Sheldon glanced down at Penny's breasts. "Because I'm not comfortable with this."

"With my breasts?"

"No, with everything."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to feel like this," Sheldon grumbled.

Penny hoped he meant what she thought he meant. "Like what, Sheldon?"

"As if I can't breathe."

"Sheldon, sweetie, it's just a feeling you're not used to. Trust me, you'll enjoy it once you get used to it."

Sheldon thought differently. "That's what Mom said about store brand bran. She found out how wrong she was when she ended up with three months' worth of bran in the cupboard."

Penny opted not to discuss the bran. "Sheldon, do you trust me?"

Sheldon answered without hesitation. "Yes."

"Then trust me when I say that if you'll just relax, you'll enjoy it."

Penny then wriggled her hips to push lightly against Sheldon's groin.

Sheldon groaned in response to the feeling. "Penny, what are you doing?"

"Showing you that you can enjoy it," Penny said, wriggling some more and making Sheldon groan again.

"You're breaking your promise about not touching Sheldon Junior." Even though he felt a little panicky, hence his protest, Sheldon couldn't help but push back a little, trying to assuage the ache he was now feeling.

Penny wriggled back. "But I'm not touching him."

"Not with your hands, no."

Not wanting to push him too hard, Penny backed off. "Okay then, I'll stop and we can just go back to kissing."

Sheldon was half disappointed and half relieved. "That would be acceptable."

Penny took the lead and began kissing Sheldon. However, within a few minutes, Sheldon had become the aggressor in the kiss, and he was panting when the kiss ended. Suddenly he began to comprehend what Penny meant about an itch and, as he covered Penny's mouth again, he began to grind against Penny without even realizing he was doing it, only coming to his senses as a knock sounded at the door.

"We have to stop. There's someone at the door."

"Ignore it," Penny said, her hand clasped firmly on Sheldon's bottom to hold him against her.

"It might be important," Sheldon said, although he too didn't immediately move to answer the door.

"Sheldon, this is more important," Penny protested.

The knocking became more insistent and Sheldon looked over Penny's shoulder. "They're not going away."

Penny reluctantly released Sheldon and tugged on his pajama top. "That had better not be your Meemaw."

Sheldon stepped around Penny and opened the door after sliding the chain into place. "Amy, what do you want?"

"To come in."

Sheldon glanced at Penny, who said reluctantly, "You'd better let her in. It might be important."

Sheldon closed the door and slid back the chain before letting Amy in. As she stepped into the room, Amy noticed Sheldon's rather tented pajama bottoms and Penny's state of undress. "You're really going to have coitus?"

"You came here to ask us that?" Penny said, having hoped that that was exactly what had been going to happen after Sheldon's turnaround into aggressor.

"No, I came to ask you to help me," Amy said, looking over her shoulder as if she expected to see someone there. "Wolowitz is camped outside of my room and I can't get in."

"Just tell him to go away."

"I tried that and he pinned me against the door, telling me that we were going to make sweet music together." She pointed at Penny. "That's why I'm here. It's your fault. You made me buy this dress and it's turned me into a man magnet."

"I don't feel any urge to molest you," Sheldon informed her. "So your statement isn't true."

"Then I will correct it," Amy said. "It turned me into a man magnet for any male with normal sexual urges."

"Sheldon was having normal sexual urges just now," Penny said in exasperation. "So I'd like you to leave before they disappear."

"You'd make your Bestie face off against a rampaging sex monster?"

"It's only Wolowitz," Penny said in a rather short voice.

"He was slobbering down my cleavage and trying to lick my breasts," Amy informed her, pointing at her dress. "I still have the stains and slaver to prove it."

Sheldon glanced at Amy and then at Penny. "Are you certain about sub-contracting not being an option? Wolowitz obviously enjoys breasts."

"That had better be a Bazinga," Penny growled.

"Of course it is," Sheldon said hurriedly, before he returned his attention to Amy. "Do you want me to get rid of Wolowitz for you?"

Another knock at the door made Penny scream, "Am I not going to get a break tonight?"

"It would appear not," Amy said as she opened the door to see Wolowitz standing out there. "I understand you can't help yourself but go away."

Howard ignored the comment to ask, "Is this a threesome?"

"It's none of your business what it is," Amy declared.

Wolowitz ignored her comment again. "Care to make it a foursome?"

Penny had had enough. "Leave, Wolowitz, or pay the price."

"You're offering sex for money?" Howard asked excitedly. "I know I have a twenty here somewhere."

Her patience now at an end, Penny punched him on the nose. "Get out and leave Amy and every other sane woman on this planet alone. Do you understand?"

"You hit me!"

"And I'll do it again if you don't take my advice and get out of here."

"But…"

Penny pulled back her arm and Howard fled.

"I don't think he's gonna be giving you anymore trouble tonight."

"Thank you, Penny." Amy then grabbed hold of Penny and hugged her tightly. "Sorry, I think I might have got Wolowitz drool on you."

"Ugh!" Penny looked down. "I'm going to have to take another shower now."

Amy smiled at Sheldon and left.

"You may shower here if you wish," Sheldon offered. "I don't want you to run into Wolowitz or anyone else like him dressed like that."

"I can take care of myself but it's sweet you care."

Sheldon immediately stepped backwards as Penny went to hug him. "You have Wolowitz drool all over you. You can take any set of pajamas from the top drawer to wear."

"I just need a top." Penny opened the drawer and pulled out a pajama top. "You can join me in the shower if you want to."

Sheldon's urges had now vanished, something that was extremely obvious when he said, "I think not. Our twenty minutes have now expired and you owe me a comic."

Penny gave Sheldon a look that spoke volumes. "You didn't keep your end of the bargain."

"If letting you rub against Sheldon junior isn't sexual activity, then I don't know what is."

Penny realized she hadn't specified her needs and so she said, "Okay, so the comic is yours. What else can I tempt you with for another twenty minutes?"

"I imagine a trip to CERN is out of the question."

"Yes, Sheldon, it is," Penny said firmly before deciding to push her luck. "And I want twenty minutes of your time to engage in sexual activity every day."

Without thinking, Sheldon went into negotiation mode. "Ten and every other day."

"Twenty every third day, increasing to thirty after the first two weeks."

"If I agree what do I get out of this?"

"I almost forgot you're not a real human," Penny said in a teasing voice, well aware that most men wouldn't need such an incentive. "Another comic of your choice, but only if you stick to our agreement for two months and then we re-negotiate."

"Two comics and I want a written agreement."

"Done. I'll sign it when I've finished showering."

"Very well."

When Penny came out of the shower, Sheldon had an agreement ready for her to sign.

"Our encounters begin three days from today?"

"You've already had your way with me today, so yes."

Penny continued to scan the agreement. "No touching of Penny Junior? Not a chance."

"But I don't want to touch you there," Sheldon said, a disgusted look on his face. "Who knows what you might be incubating."

"Sheldon, that point is non-negotiable."

"Then perhaps we should call off this negotiation."

"And perhaps we should call off our relationship."

"You don't play fair."

"Yes or no?"

"Very well but only on the very last day of the agreement."

Penny stood her ground. "No specific day. Just whenever it feels comfortable."

Sheldon pondered that for a moment. "And you won't push me if it doesn't feel comfortable?"

"I won't."

"Then we have a deal. Please sign."

Penny quickly read over the remaining clauses before clicking with the mouse to highlight she agreed. "Where did you get a copy of my signature?"

"Does it matter?"

"I suppose not."

As Sheldon clicked to show his own agreement, he said, "By the way, you should know I'll never be comfortable touching Penny Junior."

"You point that out now?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes as he said, "It would hardly have been a skilful negotiation if I'd pointed it out before you signed."

"You do know that right now I'm tempted to repeat my earlier exercise."

"What exercise?"

"The one I carried out on Wolowitz."

"But I haven't slobbered on Amy's breasts."

"And you haven't slobbered on mine either."

"You can bring up your disappointment in three days' time," Sheldon told her. "I've allowed for a discussion after each liaison. It was covered by clause 14 subsection (b)(ii)."

Penny clenched her fist. "Oh, so tempting."

Sheldon thought quickly and blurted out, "If you don't hit me I'll let you have my chocolates."

Penny looked at the remaining chocolates that sat on the silver plate. "Okay."

"By the way, you can't sleep on the left. That's where Mr. Ramsay sleeps now," Sheldon informed her as he climbed into bed.

"Sheldon…" Penny paused to swallow the chocolate she'd grabbed and shoved into her mouth. "Unless you have a box of chocolates stashed away somewhere to bribe me with, I suggest you let me sleep wherever I want."

"Very well." Sheldon picked up Penny's former teddy bear and placed him carefully on the side table. "Sorry, Mr. Ramsay."

"Sheldon, he's a bear."

"He's going to be a cold bear."

"He can sleep on my left." Then Penny shook her head. "What am I doing?"

"You're negotiating skillfully, something you should have done earlier." Sheldon informed her as he replaced the bear in the bed. "Goodnight, Penny."

Penny thought about punching him after all, but simply settled for, "Goodnight, Sheldon."

**Next time: Sheldon surprises Penny**

**Sorry for the delay – work and life in general kicked my butt.**


	19. The Red Shirt Connotation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 19: The Red Shirt Connotation **

**Three Weeks Later**

Penny settled herself on Sheldon's sofa to eat the Chinese meal she'd bought. "So what do you want to do tonight?"

"I thought tonight was sexual activity night."

Penny shook her head. "Not in the mood."

"But I thought you were always in the mood."

Sheldon's tone was rather muted and it was something Penny noticed. "Sheldon, if I didn't know you better I'd say you were disappointed."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Penny hid a smile behind her fork as Sheldon's face twitched. "So you're not disappointed."

"Okay, I am a little," Sheldon admitted, aware he had just given himself away. "It's just that I wanted to talk to you."

"Sheldon, we can still discuss sex. I just don't feel like indulging in a prolonged snogging session tonight."

Sheldon sat up straighter. "Shall I go first then?"

"Knock yourself out," Penny said, expecting it to be one of Sheldon's usual ridiculous comments.

"I was going to ask you to consider bearing my progeny."

Penny began choking on her food, forcing Sheldon to pat her back. "Thanks."

Sheldon waited until Penny's coughing fit had ended before speaking. "You seem surprised."

"Sheldon, of course I'm surprised. I mean we're not even married."

"So you'd like to be married first?"

"I imagine your mother would have a major meltdown if we weren't."

"So let's get married."

Realizing Sheldon had taken her literally, Penny put down her dinner, not trusting herself not to choke again if she carried on eating. "Sheldon, we've only just got back together. How can you even consider marriage and children?"

Sheldon reluctantly also put down his own food in order to explain. "Well, our sexual activity has been going so well that…"

Penny interrupted. "Going so well?"

"I achieved Breasts 201."

"Sheldon, you swiped my nipple with your tongue and said it tasted funny just as you thought it would."

"Well it did. But I said in our discussion afterwards that I'd try again next time, which should have been today. Therefore if our lessons are not going well, it's because you refused me."

"Sheldon, I refused you because it's that time of the month."

"You don't like to indulge in sexual activity on the 14th?"

Penny sighed heavily and put it more bluntly. "I'm menstruating."

Sheldon visibly recoiled. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"Because I knew you'd probably react like this." As she finished speaking, Penny picked up her dinner again.

Sheldon frowned as Penny began to push food into her mouth once more. "Penny, I thought we were discussing my progeny. We can't talk if you're eating."

"You can talk all you want to but right now I'm starving," Penny said, having decided that she was over her shock and she was hungry.

"I doubt you know what starving is."

Penny was well aware that if she didn't cut him off at the pass, Sheldon would provide her with an explanation. "Okay, I'm not starving, I'm hungry."

Penny's ploy worked and Sheldon asked, "Do you wish for me to wait to talk until after you've eaten?"

Despite her hunger, Sheldon had piqued Penny's curiosity and so she stopped eating for a moment to say, "Nah, I can eat and talk at the same time."

Sheldon's face tightened. "Just make sure you swallow before you say anything. I have no desire to see your mouth full of masticated food."

"Then look the other way," Penny muttered before deliberately shoveling a mouthful of rice into her mouth and asking, "So why the sudden need for a kid?"

Sheldon looked away as he began to explain. "After our last session, when you complained you'd be fifty before we ever had coitus, I began to think about my own mortality again."

"I thought you were gonna build yourself a robot body or something."

"I am but I have to look at all of the possibilities, including issuing a progeny of my own, particularly as I've decided that I should rely on someone other than my sister to provide Sheldon 2.0."

Penny gave Sheldon a disgusted look. "Sheldon, do you know how creepy that sounds?"

Sheldon thought over what he had just said and shook his head. "I didn't mean it like that."

"It sure came out that way."

"Penny, no matter what you may have heard from Missy or my mother about a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown, I have no inappropriate desires for my sister," Sheldon said firmly.

"Do I even want to ask?"

"It was a barn dance and Mom made me attend with Missy," Sheldon said in a bitter voice. "She threatened to take me to church every night for a month if I didn't go."

"And you're still considering Missy as the possible mother for Sheldon 2.0?"

"I wouldn't be the father."

"You've completely lost me."

"Sheldon 2.0 comes about from when you first met my sister," Sheldon began.

"Um, I don't have any inappropriate desires for your sister either," Penny interrupted.

"I didn't think you had. I was simply outlining the general timeframe when I realized that, as my twin sister, Missy has the genetic potential for giving birth to a baby as intelligent as I am but obviously with a partner other than myself. However, upon reflection, given that she's reached thirty and 90% of her eggs have now gone, the possibility of a Sheldon 2.0 being birthed by her has diminished considerably."

In spite of still being somewhat confused, Penny couldn't resist asking, "What, her eggs went for a walk?"

"Hardly," Sheldon said in a short voice as he recognized sarcasm, before he sighed dramatically and began an explanation. "Missy's eggs have disappeared because, throughout her life a woman loses eggs through a destructive process called atresia, but I imagine you don't know what that is."

"Normally I wouldn't care, but since I'm going to be thirty one day, what the hell is atresia?"

"In simple terms it's where the follicles enter a growth phase that is never ultimately completed. This results in the demise of the egg, and the other cells of the follicle get reincorporated into the ovarian tissue."

Penny thought she was now putting two and two together. "So you figured you'd help me out with my ticking time bomb body by asking me to bear your progeny?"

"No, I'm merely pointing out why I need to propagate my own bloodline."

Penny was by now confused. "So why ask me then?"

"Well, even though at first glance you are highly unsuitable in many ways to bear my progeny, you are my girlfriend, and I imagined that you'd be upset if I advertised for a surrogate to carry my child."

Penny's food once again was put down. "I'm highly unsuitable?"

"Crap!" Sheldon said, recognizing Penny's 'you've really pissed me off face'.

"Highly unsuitable?" Penny repeated.

"Let me explain," Sheldon said quickly.

"If you don't want to be wearing your dinner, it had better be good."

Sheldon knew that sometimes his concept of good didn't always match Penny's but since he didn't want to be wearing his dinner, he began to tell her how he had come to his decision. "At first I decided that someone of a similar intellect to my own would be my best option to carry my progeny. However, after taking into consideration regression to the mean, I decided that I was wrong."

Penny scowled furiously. "Don't even ask if I know what you're talking about."

"In Penny speak, the law of averages state that I'm likely to have a child less intelligent than myself whereas you would have a child more intelligent than you."

Penny understood this. "So you reckon that if you and another inflated super know-it-all had a baby it would be dumb?"

"That might not be the case but the law of averages would indicate that to be a highly feasible possibility."

Penny also got something else. "So that's why you thought your sister would be likely to have a clever baby."

"You're on fire, Penny," Sheldon said in a proud voice, before attempting a joke. "If you get any hotter I'll have to call 911."

Penny's lips twitched before she gave a shout of laughter. "I'm supposed to be mad at you, Sheldon."

"But I can see you're not."

"I am but you made me laugh," Penny said, giving up on her dinner since she needed to talk seriously to Sheldon. "Sheldon, I understand why you want a baby to carry on your genes, but I also think that it should be something that comes about because two people are in love with each other and want a child because of that love."

Sheldon disagreed. "That's just sappy and a terrible reason to have a baby."

"And it's the main reason why I know I'm far from ready to have a baby with you."

"Because you're not in love with me?"

Penny gave Sheldon an incredulous glance. "Sheldon, of course I'm in love with you. Why else would put I up with you?"

"That sounds more like an insult than a declaration of love."

"At least I've said it," Penny grumbled, a little annoyed at Sheldon's reaction.

"Does it need saying?"

Penny immediately recognized the line or suspected she did. "Sheldon, don't quote Doctor Who to me!"

"Who would you prefer?" Sheldon asked in all seriousness.

"Sheldon, I'd prefer for you to simply just tell me how _you_ feel about me." When Sheldon said nothing, Penny got up. "Forget it. I'm going home."

"Penny, please don't." Sheldon stood up and placed his hands on Penny's shoulders and turned her to face him, before taking hold of her hands. "Penny, although I really don't see the point in saying it…"

Penny tried to pull away. "As I said, just forget it, Sheldon."

"I can't forget it, I've got an eidetic memory," Sheldon reminded her.

This didn't go down well. "Sheldon, let go of my hands."

Sheldon refused and clung on tighter. "No, Penny, I won't." He then took a deep breath and said, "Penny, I… I… I…" Sheldon broke off and said, "Do you know how hard this is when I have no point of reference upon which to base my feelings?"

"I would have thought it straightforward," Penny said, not agreeing in the slightest. "Even a robotic genius like you should be able to compute emotions and feelings even if you don't experience them."

"That was sarcasm again, wasn't it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think I'm on fire," Sheldon said, a smile spreading across his face. "Emergency services aren't going to know what hit them."

"Sheldon, unless you tell me how you really feel about me I'm going to show emergency services what to expect!"

"Well," Sheldon said slowly, aware he was likely in serious trouble if he didn't articulate his feelings for Penny into words, "you know how I feel about trains?"

"You love them."

"Well, I feel more for you than I do for trains."

"Sheldon, you're still not answering my question."

"I thought I already had," Sheldon said. "You asked if I loved you more than trains and I said yes."

"No, you said you feel more for me than you do for trains."

"If you're looking for something more specific, then you need to tell me what," Sheldon said, believing he had done as Penny had asked.

"Sheldon, do you love me like you love trains, or are you in love with me like Mr. Darcy was with Miss Bennet?"

Sheldon had reluctantly watched Pride & Prejudice with Penny, and, just as she did with most of the programs he asked her to watch, he'd switched off, his mind elsewhere. "Never having been in love before I have no idea."

"Being in love is about making sacrifices, like giving up on sex for a year because your partner has yet to see the attraction of it."

"And I doubt I ever will, so you can't use that as an example."

Penny glanced over at Sheldon's favorite spot in the apartment. "Let's try this a different way then. I know how much you love your seat, even more than trains. So would you give it up for me?"

Sheldon glanced adoringly at his spot. "I suppose."

"You suppose?"

"All right, yes, I'd give it up for you."

"How about Spock?"

"Spock?" Sheldon asked. "I don't love Spock."

"Sheldon, if there was an altar to Spock you'd be worshipping at it."

"Which Spock?"

"Original."

"You got me."

"I know," Penny said smugly, before going on to offer up her next question. "So, if the three of us were on an away mission and ran into trouble and you could only save one of us, who would it be?"

"You drive a hard bargain," Sheldon complained.

"Me or Spock, Sheldon?"

"What color shirt would be you wearing?"

"What?"

"I thought the question was easy enough. What color?"

"Um, pink?"

"Your choices are gold, green, red or blue."

"Then red."

Sheldon could hardly believe her answer. "Penny, do you have _any_ idea what a red shirt means?"

"That… I'm not in charge?" Penny asked hesitantly.

"Good," Sheldon said in an encouraging voice. "And…?"

"I've got great fashion sense?"

"Penny, don't you pay attention when we watch Star Trek?"

"Sheldon, it's the same every episode," Penny complained. "Kirk snogs a woman, Bones says he's a doctor and not something else, and Spock thinks everything is highly illogical!"

Sheldon opted not to point out that that wasn't strictly true to focus on what Penny had missed. "You can remember all that and not work out what's the wrong color shirt to be wearing?"

"I like red."

"And you haven't noticed that in approximately three-quarters of the episodes at least one red-shirt dies?"

"Apparently not."

Sheldon tutted. "Penny, it's one of the main themes of Star Trek. Basically if you're in red, you're dead."

Now very much aware of Sheldon's viewpoint, Penny stuck to her guns. "In that case, I'm on an away mission, I'm still wearing a _red_ shirt and Spock is wearing his blue one, who you gonna save?"

"I'd choose you," Sheldon said without any trace of vacillation whatsoever.

Penny softened at the speed with which Sheldon answered the question. "Really?"

"Yes, being intellectually your superior, Spock has more chance of working out how he could survive on his own."

"I give up." Penny stomped on Sheldon's foot, making him yelp and release her hands. She then marched out of the apartment, leaving a confused Sheldon behind.

"What did I do wrong?"

Penny turned around as she opened her door. "You proved you're just a man, and a stupid one at that!"

Sheldon winced as the door slammed closed. "Must be because of her period."

**A big thanks to Angelwells for inspiring the way this chapter unfolded. **

**Next time: Sheldon shows a before unseen side when Penny gets bad news. Raj has an announcement.**


	20. The Warm Apple Pie Comparison

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 20: The Warm Apple Pie Comparison**

Sheldon slid into the passenger and snapped on his seatbelt before turning to address the driver. "You can go now."

"I'd like to hear a thank you first," Bernadette growled.

"Thank you," Sheldon said hurriedly, not wanting to get on the wrong side of the one person he trusted most to help him.

As Bernadette pulled away from the sidewalk, she asked, "So want my help?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, before tacking on a please and giving Bernadette a slightly scary smile.

"Then you're going to listen to everything I have to say," Bernadette said, before offering up a warning. "And if you don't, I'll happily eject you. Do you understand?"

"I have an IQ of 187, of course I understand."

"Not about women you don't, otherwise you wouldn't be here," Bernadette countered, before beginning with, "Sheldon, you're an idiot."

"But I have…"

"If I have to stop this car you'll be walking home."

"But we're on the Interstate," Sheldon pointed out as they headed up the joining ramp. "Pedestrians aren't allowed on the Interstate."

"Ask me if I care," Bernadette said in a sickly sweet voice.

"I can see you don't," Sheldon said in a grumpy voice.

"I do otherwise I wouldn't be here," Bernadette reminded him before saying again, "Sheldon, you're an idiot."

Sheldon opened his mouth before closing it as Bernadette's hand went to her turn signal. "Okay, okay."

Bernadette continued, "No-one asks someone to have their baby unless they're in a committed relationship, and most people also don't use a turkey baster to impregnate people."

"But it's so much cleaner."

"It's repulsive," Bernadette said in disgust before going on. "And that's why Penny walked out."

"I didn't actually tell Penny about the baster."

"Sheldon, _exactly_ what did you say to Penny?"

So Sheldon recounted the encounter word for word. "See, it wasn't that bad."

Bernadette thought differently. "Sheldon, no girl wants to be told that you'd only rescue her because Spock is more intelligent."

"But Spock is more intelligent."

"Again, you're an idiot."

"I thought I was being extraordinarily logical."

"Believe me when I say that logic isn't sexy," Bernadette said, having had a few similar conversations with Raj. "Smart is sexy."

"I don't get it."

"That's why you're an idiot."

"Stop calling me an idiot," Sheldon whined.

"Get out and walk if you don't like it," Bernadette countered, pulling over and unlocking the doors.

Sheldon pouted and said nothing for a few moments before grinding out, "I'm an idiot."

"It gets easier with practice," Bernadette said, unable to resist teasing Sheldon. "Say it again and I'll let you stay in the car."

Sheldon spat it out this time. "I'm an idiot."

As she rejoined traffic, Bernadette finally began to give Sheldon what he needed, good advice. "Okay, first of all you have to find a way to make things up to Penny, and then you need to tell how you really feel about her."

"How do I make it up to her? Flowers, chocolates, poems?"

"You could offer to have sex with her," Bernadette suggested, Penny having made no bones of what she was craving.

"Absolutely out of the question."

"How about going to third base?"

"What about if we're both wrong and she's menstruating after all?"

"She's not," Bernadette informed him, well aware of Penny's cycle.

"Still not happening," Sheldon said. "But I suppose I could complete Breasts 201."

"Breasts 201?"

"Nipple sucking," Sheldon shared, his cheeks flaring red.

"It would be a start but be ready to go further if Penny asks."

"But I can't."

"You can if you really love Penny."

"I do."

"Then you'll do whatever's necessary."

"But I can't," Sheldon repeated.

Bernadette pulled up in front of the Thai takeaway restaurant and swiveled in her seat to face Sheldon. "I've told you what you've got to do. If you don't do it, then you can kiss goodbye to your relationship with Penny, robot man."

"Penny calls me that."

"You're not the only one who talks to me."

"You mean Penny has said she's going to dump me?"

"I'm not going to tell you what we've discussed, just as I'd never tell anyone else what you and I have discussed," Bernadette said. "But I think you should read between the lines and take my advice."

* * *

**An Hour Later**

Penny opened the door to let a pajama clad Sheldon in. "What do you want?"

"It's sexual activity night," Sheldon reminded her.

"And last night was chess night and the night before that was gaming night, and did you turn up for them to remind me I wasn't there?"

"No."

"So why are you here now?" Penny asked, going on before Sheldon could say anything. "Is it because if you don't turn up for sexual activity night, then you forfeit the comics I promised?"

"I didn't turn up the first two nights because I realized you might need some space," Sheldon said, his face twitching violently before it stopped when he said, "And you're more important to me than the comics and I'm happy to forgo them if necessary."

Penny quickly deduced that only the second half of Sheldon's statement was the truth. "Why didn't you really turn up?"

"I fell asleep on chess night and, on games night when you didn't show up, I called Bernadette…" Sheldon trailed off at the furious look on Penny's face.

"Bernadette told you I needed some space, didn't she?"

"Yes," Sheldon admitted.

Penny went to slam the door in Sheldon's face, only for him to put his foot in the way.

"Penny, I opened up to Bernadette because I had no idea what I'd done wrong. I thought you'd gotten angry because you were menstruating but even Missy only stayed mad for two days when she was like that, so when you didn't show up last night, I realized that maybe I'd offended you and that's why I called her."

"Yeah, and so what did Bernadette tell you to do about it?"

"She told me I had to think of how to make it up to you."

"And how are you going to do that?"

"I'm going to complete Breasts 201 properly."

Penny thought differently. "Sheldon, you'll just drag it out and then complain."

"If I do that you can dump me and I promise I'll leave you alone."

"I'm probably going to regret this but you can come in." Penny stepped aside to let Sheldon in, noticing a delicious smelling bag as she did. "What's that?"

"I bought dinner."

"You actually caught the bus to the Thai restaurant?"

Sheldon wished he could lie successfully to try to impress Penny but knew his facial tic would give him away. "No. Bernadette agreed to drive me if I listened to everything else she had to say."

Penny headed to the fridge to get out a bottle of wine. "And what did she say?"

"That I was an idiot," Sheldon said in a crabby voice. "She threatened to throw me out when I began arguing with her."

"Where were you?"

"On the Interstate, so I shut up and listened."

"And what did you learn?"

"That requesting someone to have your progeny is a bad move unless you're in a committed relationship." Sheldon placed the last container on Penny's table and took the diet coke she offered him. "She also said that asking someone to use a turkey baster was repulsive."

"You were going to ask me to use a turkey baster?" Penny asked, although she already knew the answer.

"It would be less icky."

"Sheldon, if we ever get to the stage where we decide to have a baby, we're going to make it the old-fashioned way."

"Is that negotiable?"

"Absolutely not."

"I thought as much."

Penny shook her head. "Then why ask?"

"I thought it best to check."

"Unbelievable," Penny muttered.

"Are you quoting from the new Star Trek?" Sheldon asked, aware that Penny didn't think much of the original series, although she had been a big fan of the new movie.

"No, I'm quoting Penny," Penny barked. "And here's another one by Penny. Why don't you just quit while you still have a chance of extracting that foot that's in your mouth?"

"So I should shut up and eat dinner?"

"Perhaps you should call Bernadette and ask her," Penny said mockingly.

Sheldon wisely said nothing else and set about eating his dinner.

After the very subdued dinner was over, Penny stood up. "I'm going to take a shower."

"I need to brush my teeth and floss."

"Don't forget to gargle," Penny sniped.

When she came out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, Sheldon was already sitting on the bed wearing pajama bottoms and his robe. He'd quickly learnt that Penny hated his pajama tops and would always take them off, and he also had a sneaking suspicion that he had to do everything he could to try and keep on Penny's good side.

Penny was wearing her robe and a pair of panties. "So are you ready to complete Breasts 201?"

"No working up to it?" Sheldon asked in alarm.

"Nope," Penny said, feeling merciless. "You're going to simply get on with it."

"And they wonder why romance is dead."

"Sheldon, you only understand romance because it's been spelled out for you."

"But at least I sort of understand it now."

"Of course you do," Penny said sarcastically as she removed her robe.

Nerves hit Sheldon full force at the sight of the almost naked Penny and he blurted out, "Did you use soap instead of lemon scented shower gel this time?"

Penny moved over to the bed. "Yes."

"Dove?"

"Yes."

"Plain?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Still not giving him any quarter, Penny lay down beside Sheldon. "Okay, robot man, do your stuff."

Sheldon took several loud deep breaths as if trying to expand his lungs.

"Sheldon, you're not going swimming."

"I don't know how long it might be before I get to breathe again."

"You just take a break if it gets too much."

"I suppose ten seconds wouldn't be enough?"

Penny rolled her eyes. "I'm not even bothering to answer that."

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, Sheldon, I've been ready for months," Penny muttered as Sheldon began to shift his position and slid down the bed.

On reaching his goal, tentatively, Sheldon stuck out his tongue and swiped Penny's nipple. "That tastes much better." When Penny said nothing, merely giving him a look that said 'get on with it', Sheldon returned to his task, swiping, moving away and swiping again.

Soon Penny was ready to scream from frustration. "Sheldon, just put your whole mouth around it. It doesn't bite."

"Patience is a virtue," Sheldon said chidingly.

If he hadn't wrapped his lips around Penny's nipple at that moment Sheldon would have been sporting a black eye. As it was it was a close thing.

After using his lips and mouth until Penny moaned, Sheldon moved to Penny's other nipple. "I was worried that one might be getting sore."

"Nope," Penny managed as Sheldon began again.

A few minutes later and Penny grabbed Sheldon by the hair. "Kiss me."

Sheldon suspected that his efforts had been a hit as Penny was all but suctioning his mouth, biting and sucking rather viciously on his tongue. His elation vanished as Penny grabbed his hand and placed it over Penny Junior.

He quickly broke off the kiss. "I thought we agreed I wouldn't do that unless I felt comfortable."

"Sheldon, please…" Penny said softly. "I need this."

Still very much aware that he was on thin ground, or, probably more accurately, quicksand, Sheldon swallowed hard and asked, "Do you have gloves?"

"No gloves, Sheldon," Penny hissed, grabbing Sheldon's hand again.

"My hand might be dirty," Sheldon said hurriedly, still not quite able to give into Penny's demands without a fight.

Penny reached out and grabbed a cleansing wipe out of the large container that she now kept by her bed. "Clean it."

After wiping his hand, a trembling Sheldon slipped his fingers underneath the elastic of Penny's underwear before hesitating. "I don't know what to do."

"I thought you said you had read about it."

"I sort of skipped that part," Sheldon admitted. "It got icky again."

Penny swore softly under her breath before saying, "I'll guide you."

By now every fiber of Sheldon's being was screaming for him to leap off the bed and run. Every fiber of Sheldon's brain, however, was screaming just as loudly that if he did, as Bernadette had warned him, he could probably consider his relationship with Penny to be over.

Therefore he gritted his teeth and remained where he was as a desperate and very needy Penny covered Sheldon's hand with her own and began to show him what to do.

As he had with everything else they had tried, Sheldon couldn't help but comment as he went along and, as his fingers reached their goal, he murmured, "Oh my, it feels like… like…"

"Don't you dare say warm apple pie," Penny warned.

"Why would I compare your vagina to a fruit filled pastry?" Sheldon asked in confusion.

"I'll explain later," Penny said, not about to put off what she hoped was going to be a fulfilling few minutes. "Right now I just want you to do exactly as I say…"

* * *

At the end of it all, Sheldon had only one word to say, "Fascinating."

"Told ya it wasn't that bad," Penny said jubilantly, a silly smile gracing her face.

"It wasn't in my top ten of things to do," Sheldon responded drily as he got up and walked into the bathroom to wash his hands.

"You just called it fascinating," Penny reminded him.

"I think lava is fascinating but that doesn't mean I'd want to put my fingers in it." Sheldon gave a shudder as he dried his hands.

Sitting on the bed, Penny thankfully didn't see the shudder and she continued to press him. "Sheldon, just admit it wasn't as terrible as you thought it would be."

"It wasn't," Sheldon said, only half-truthfully as he lay back down next to Penny. "But I still don't see the attraction of it."

"Now it's your turn and perhaps you'll understand," Penny said as Sheldon suddenly shot backwards across the bed, falling off the edge. "Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?"

Suddenly a knock was heard at the front door, and Sheldon bolted upright and dashed out of the room, calling, "I'll get it."

"Chicken!"

"Every time," Sheldon yelled back. He then turned to his attention to the door, which he opened to see a man he sort of recognized but didn't know why as he couldn't recall ever meeting him before. "Yes?"

"This is Penny's apartment, isn't it?"

"Who's asking?"

"Sheldon, get out of the way," Penny said as she hurried to get to the door tugging her robe belt around her waist and tying it. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"That's a nice welcome."

"Sorry, you just took me by surprise," Penny said as she hugged her father. Then she remembered Sheldon. "Dad, this is Sheldon Cooper, my boyfriend."

"Wyatt," Penny's father said as he held out his hand.

"Dad, Sheldon doesn't shake hands."

After what he had just done to Penny, Sheldon had no problem grasping Wyatt's hand and shaking it. "Pleased to meet you, Sir."

"You're some sort of doctor, aren't you?"

"He's a scientist doctor, Dad," Penny explained before abruptly asking, "So what are you doing here?"

"I had business in LA and thought I'd drop by and see my little Slugger."

Penny's eyes narrowed. "You never call me that anymore. Dad, why are you really here?"

Wyatt deflated visibly in front of their eyes and said quietly, "Sheldon, do you think I could talk to Penny alone?"

"Of course," Sheldon said and he headed out of the apartment to wash his hands yet again. He might have shaken Wyatt's hand but he had no idea where it had been.

* * *

A short time later Penny burst into Sheldon's apartment and threw herself at him. "Oh, Sheldon!"

Sheldon hesitated for a moment before putting his arms around a weeping Penny. "There, there, Sheldon's here."

Wyatt tapped on the door and stepped inside. "Can I come in?"

"Please do," Sheldon said as he continued to hold Penny, gently patting her back as she sobbed. "Since this matter is evidently a distressing one I'd offer you a hot beverage but my hands are currently engaged."

"I can fix myself a mug of tea, I'm not dead and buried yet," Wyatt said as he moved over to the kitchen area.

Sheldon easily put two and two together as Penny's howls grew louder. "You're dying?"

"I have a brain tumor that's inoperable," Wyatt said calmly, having had several months to come to terms with the news.

"How long do you have left?" Sheldon asked bluntly.

"About four months tops," Wyatt said, putting the kettle on.

"Well that sucks for you," Sheldon said in a wry voice.

Wyatt laughed. "Yeah, it does."

"Sheldon!" Penny managed to blub in protest.

"Penny, it's a relief to have someone saying what they think instead of tip-toeing around me." Wyatt addressed Sheldon. "It's why I'm here alone. I love my wife but she was smothering me."

This time Penny whined at her father from the depth of Sheldon's shoulder. "Dad!"

"It's true," Wyatt said as he warmed up three mugs. "Your mother can't face the fact I'm going to die."

"Are you sure the tumor is inoperable?" Sheldon asked, rubbing Penny's back more quickly as she cried even harder at her father's words.

"That's what my doc says."

"Penny, come and sit down," Sheldon said in a soft and soothing voice. "I need to write something down."

Still in tears, Penny didn't argue and let Sheldon lead her to the sofa, not even noticing that he had placed her in his spot.

Sheldon wrote down a name and number. "This is the name of Mom's former doctor at MD Anderson in Houston. He was able to help her even when her own doctor said she wouldn't make it. Tell him Mary Cooper's son, Sheldon, gave you his name. He had quite a soft spot for Mom."

Penny's head shot up. "Your mom had cancer?"

"Yep, about five years ago," Sheldon said as he opened his cupboard to take out some cookies, which he placed on a plate. "She was given a clean bill of health a year after that, which was well before I met you."

Now seeing a possible glimmer of hope, Penny tried to pull herself together, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose. "But you never said."

"What would I have said, Penny?" Sheldon asked. "Hi, my name's Dr. Sheldon Cooper and my mother once had cancer but now she's fighting fit?"

"You're learning sarcasm," Penny noted through a hiccupping sob that had managed to escape in spite of her efforts to quell her crying.

"I really am smoking this month," Sheldon said brightly as he took a mug of tea from Wyatt. "Thank you."

"I might regret asking but what are you two going on about?"

"Sheldon has a problem with understanding sarcasm," Penny said, taking her own mug of tea from her father after giving him a watery smile.

"Did have a problem," Sheldon responded. "I seem to be mastering it fairly well now."

This confused Wyatt. "I thought you were a scientist doctor."

Penny began to explain to her father. "Sheldon's not stupid…"

Sheldon interrupted. "Of course I'm not. I have an IQ of 187."

"Are you one of those idiot savant guys?"

"No, but I am a genius," Sheldon said without any shred of embarrassment.

"And modest too," Wyatt said, a large grin on his face.

Sheldon hesitated before asking, "Sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm," Wyatt confirmed.

"Oh yeah, I'm on a roll," Sheldon said.

Wyatt laughed at the self-satisfied look on Sheldon's face. "You're also a little crazy."

"His mother had him tested," Penny interjected before Sheldon could say anything. "He swears he came up clean but some of us aren't so sure."

"Well, he is different," Wyatt had to admit.

"Oh, Sheldon's different all right," Penny muttered.

"Different is good in this case," Wyatt said, before going on to embarrass Penny. "Her previous boyfriends were all idiot savants… except without the savant bit."

"Dad, they weren't that bad," Penny complained as Sheldon tittered away to himself.

"Penny, that guy you dated before you moved here, Matt or Mitt or whatever his name was, wanted to build roads with built-in heating pipes full of hot water so he wouldn't have to drive in the snow!"

"What a ridiculous idea," Sheldon said scathingly.

"Tell me about it," Wyatt said, smirking at his daughter.

"He'd have to use something other than water," Sheldon said, surprising Penny's dad. "Probably a liquid that doesn't have the handicap of freezing."

"So he was right?" Penny asked triumphantly.

"Theoretically he had a good idea," Sheldon confirmed.

Penny stuck out her tongue at her dad. "See, not all of my boyfriends were stupid."

"Just 98% of them," Wyatt countered.

"You've dated a hundred men?" Sheldon asked, taking Wyatt literally.

"Of course not!" Penny screeched.

Sheldon, being Sheldon, began to do the math. "You're right. I actually make it one hundred and seventy-one."

"I haven't dated that many men," Penny protested.

"I could break down my calculations for you if you'd like," Sheldon offered.

"Go to hell."

Wyatt snorted a laugh as Penny stormed off to the bathroom. "Now that's what happens when she picks truly intelligent boyfriends."

"Despite Mitt or Matt's idea, in truth I imagine that she's probably only had one truly intelligent boyfriend and that would be me," Sheldon said without any trace of reserve.

"And what do you think about Penny's intelligence?"

"Is this a test?" Sheldon countered. "As I believe that prospective father-in-laws do this sort of thing."

Wyatt did as Penny had done a few days ago and choked on his food, forcing Sheldon to jump up and slap his back. "Thanks." After regaining his equilibrium, Wyatt asked, "You two are getting married?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I asked but she said no."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Of course," Sheldon said. "I asked for the wrong reasons and Penny pointed that out."

"So you listen to what she has to say?"

"If it makes good sense, then yes I do," Sheldon lied successfully, Wyatt not understanding Sheldon's facial tic.

"And do you think you'll be asking Penny to marry you again?" Wyatt asked, almost casually.

"I can't imagine being married to anyone else, so I would have to go with yes," Sheldon responded.

"And do you love my daughter?"

Sheldon this time had no hesitation in divulging his feelings have done so already, even if Penny hadn't understood it. "Yes, and even more than Spock, something she finds hard to believe."

"Normally I'd ask for you to explain that," Wyatt said in a bemused voice before getting up and yawning. "But the explanation will have to wait until morning. I'm all in and so I'd better head off."

"Where are you staying?" Sheldon asked.

"I was going to check into a hotel."

"You can stay here in my spare room," Sheldon offered. "I imagine Penny will want to spend some time with you."

Penny walked back into the room in time to hear the offer and was surprised by Sheldon's uncharacteristic thoughtfulness. "You're sure?"

"Yes. I'll show Wyatt where the bathroom and spare towels are."

Once Wyatt was safely ensconced in the bathroom, Penny asked, "You're not making him sign a contract?"

"He can always sign one in the morning if you think it necessary," Sheldon said seriously, before asking, "Do you also want to stay here with me tonight?"

In shock at Sheldon's response and offer, Penny mumbled her response, "Um, yeah, um, I'll just go brush my teeth and be back shortly."

When Penny entered Sheldon's apartment he had taken Wyatt's place in the bathroom and her dad was already in bed. Slipping into Sheldon's room, she dropped her own pillows on the bed and got into it, curling up into a ball.

"Penny?" Sheldon's quiet voice split the silence ten minutes later. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," Penny said in a shaky voice as Sheldon climbed in beside her.

Sheldon again surprised Penny when he asked, "Would you like to cuddle?"

Penny gave up on the tears she was holding back and turned around, burying her head deep into Sheldon's naked shoulder as she sobbed over him. When her crying jag was over, she lifted her head to look at him. "I've got mascara and snot on your shoulder."

"It's okay," Sheldon said as he continued to stroke Penny's back.

"Why aren't you freaking out and why are you being so, well, not like you?" Penny asked as she grabbed a wipe and a tissue and wiped Sheldon's shoulder clean.

"I know how it feels to get news like this," Sheldon said quietly, thinking back to how he'd felt when his mother had revealed her news about her illness.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"It's all in the past and therefore no longer a distressing matter for me," Sheldon said, before speaking in a soothing voice as Penny yawned widely. "I can see you're tired, so why don't you lie down and try to get some sleep."

Penny did so, only for Sheldon to say not quite so sympathetically, "Not on your back. You snore."

Gritting her teeth, Penny rolled on to her side. She was a little surprised when she felt Sheldon curl up to her back and put his arm around her, his hand actually cupping her breast.

Sheldon lay there for a while thinking about the evening before he said, "Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"If we were on an away mission I'd rescue you first."

"That's only because you know Spock could work his own way out of it."

"Penny, even if he couldn't I'd still rescue you first."

"Really?"

"Really," Sheldon echoed, before doing what Bernadette had told him to do and telling Penny how he really felt about her. "I love you more than Spock or my comics or anything else you can think of asking me to compare you to."

Penny gave a huge sob. "And I thought you were an emotionless robot."

Sheldon tightened his grip on his girlfriend and said, "Just because I have difficulties in expressing myself doesn't mean that I don't have feelings."

Penny now felt bad about what she knew she had forced Sheldon to do earlier that evening. "Sheldon, I'm sorry that I made you go to third base with me."

"As you pointed out, it wasn't that bad."

For a moment Penny actually believed him, and then she gave a smile in the darkness and asked, "Is your face twitching?"

"A little," Sheldon admitted.

Penny gave a laugh and then, as the enormity of the night hit her again, she started crying once more.

"Turn over and lean on me," Sheldon offered.

As he once again stroked a weeping Penny's back, Sheldon began to figure out in his head what he believed needed to be done, although he knew it would have to wait until morning.

* * *

**Three Weeks Later**

"Sheldon, will you come engagement ring shopping with me?"

"Is Bernadette busy?" Sheldon asked as he tapped away at his laptop.

"Sheldon, she doesn't know I'm going to ask her to marry me!"

Sheldon thought about his own abortive encounter and gave Raj a warning. "Trust me, you should check before you splurge on something as expensive as an engagement ring."

"Sheldon, you buy a ring and then you ask."

"Then more fool you."

Sheldon broke off the conversation as his phone began ringing. "It's probably Penny. She's been phoning me every day since she left to go to Mom's."

"Sheldon, I know," Raj said, having been privy to Penny's calls since she had left. "Will you come with me or not?"

"Not," Sheldon said, before he greeted his girlfriend. "Penny, hello."

Sheldon rolled his eyes after listening. "Your dad's unwell. Meemaw is hardly going to be mean to a sick man." Sheldon listened again. "Penny, just ignore her. She's just sore because she thinks we made the beast with two backs."

After Penny said something, Sheldon said quite censoriously to Raj, "Penny really needs to read more than Cosmo."

"Sheldon, not everyone finds Shakespeare an easy read."

"I suppose it is above Penny's reading level," Sheldon mused.

"Sheldon, apologize to Penny."

"Why?"

"That's why," Raj said pointing to the cell phone as Penny screeched out her indignation at her boyfriend. "And there's nothing wrong with Cosmo, I read it all the time."

Sheldon rolled his eyes before saying, "Penny said Bernadette is right and I'm an idiot, and thanks for backing her up."

"She can hear me?" Raj whispered in horror.

"Yes, she can hear you," Sheldon confirmed. "She asked how Bernadette is coping with covering her shifts."

Raj leaned over, only for Sheldon to move away. "You're not putting spit in my ear. It's bad enough when Penny does it."

Penny gave a gurgle of laughter loud enough for Raj to hear. She also spoke deliberately loud enough for Raj to hear her verbal response as well.

"So you like the lobe sucking," Raj teased in a very quiet voice.

"It's none of your business," Sheldon said peevishly, before rebuking his girlfriend. "And you shouldn't be sharing details of our love life. You said it was wrong that I'd shared with Bernadette."

"You shared details of your love life with Bernadette?" Raj blurted out, forgetting Penny could hear him.

Sheldon, however, hadn't. "Penny can still hear you."

"You shared your shared your love life with Bernadette?" Raj whispered furiously.

"I needed a woman's perspective and while you do have some feminine tendencies, in this case I needed a menstruating female."

Raj was dumbfounded. "A menstruating female?"

"When Penny was mad with me I thought she was menstruating and I needed to check," Sheldon said as if it should have been obvious. "Yes, Penny, I know you're still there." Penny said something else Raj couldn't catch before Sheldon said, "Give Wyatt my best and I hope the procedure goes well tomorrow."

Sheldon let Penny speak again before he glanced at Raj and asked, "Do I have to?" He then sighed heavily and with a good deal of reluctance said, "I love you." He then hung up.

Raj was on him faster than a dog on a bone. "You're not going to be there?"

"Penny said she didn't need me."

"Dude, of course she needs you."

Sheldon gave Raj an exasperated look. "Raj, if she'd needed me she'd have said so."

"Sheldon, you have to read between the lines," Raj told him. "When Bernadette was sick with the flu she said she could manage and when I left her alone, she spent all day crying because she said she thought I didn't love her."

"Bernadette told me something similar about reading between the lines and I understand the concept but I don't get it when applied to women," Sheldon said.

"It's quite simple. You simply have to listen to what a woman is not saying," Raj explained confusingly.

"Still not getting it."

"Are you sure you have an IQ of 187?"

"Just tell me what I should do," Sheldon demanded.

"Go to Penny. She might not admit it, but she needs you, Sheldon."

"But the train will never get there in time."

"Then catch a plane," Raj instructed.

Sheldon blanched. "I can't."

"How much do you love Penny?"

"Not this again," Sheldon muttered.

"What?"

"I love her more than Spock, all right?"

In that moment Raj knew he had Sheldon. "Then be like Spock and make the sacrifice."

"For the good of the many?" Sheldon asked, quoting one of his favorite lines.

"No, for the good of your relationship," Raj countered, handing Sheldon his cell phone from where he'd placed it on the table. "Now phone the airlines."

**Next time: Leonard makes an appearance**


	21. The Passenger Swap Diversion

**Disclaimer: ****Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 21: The Passenger Swap Diversion**

Sheldon checked he had everything and then opened his office door to come face to face with an older woman with blue rinsed hair. "Hello, can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Dr. Cooper."

"I'm Dr. Cooper but I'm now on vacation until Monday, so anything you have to say will have to wait until then."

"You can't spare me five minutes?"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but no, my flight to Houston leaves in two hours and I have a taxi waiting," Sheldon said, closing his office door and locking it. "Good day."

He then hurried off, giving his visitor no further thought.

* * *

His second encounter of the day was to be far less pleasant. As he nervously plucked at his trousers, Sheldon looked up to see who'd been assigned the seat next to him on the plane and immediately said, "You can't sit there."

Leonard Hofstadter sat down in his seat. "Why not?"

"Because you ruined my experiment."

"You ruined my career."

"Then I guess we're even," Sheldon said in response. "Now move."

Leonard spoke to the stewardess closest to him. "This man and I aren't friends, and I'd go as far as to say I hate him, so is there anywhere else I can sit?"

"I'm afraid we're full, Sir," the stewardess said. "But I'll check to see if anyone wishes to exchange seats with you."

She returned a short time later with bad news. "I'm afraid that no-one in first class wishes to move, so you'll have to remain in your designated seat unless you don't mind exchanging with a coach class passenger."

Sheldon shuddered. "Absolutely not."

"Same here."

"In that case I'm afraid the two of you will have to make do, Sir," the stewardess said.

"But there's a seat over there," Sheldon pointed out an empty seat.

"It's taken," the stewardess said. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for trying," Leonard said politely, before casting an evil look at Sheldon. "So why are you on this plane?"

"I should be asking you the same question."

"I was offered a better position," Leonard boasted. "At Rice University…"

Sheldon broke in, unable to keep quiet. "That University, as you probably won't know, is noted for its applied science programs in the fields of artificial heart research, structural chemical analysis, signal processing, space science, and nanotechnology, so…"

It was now Leonard's turn to interrupt. "Of course I know, and I'm also well aware that it was ranked first in the world in materials science research by the Times Higher and that it's produced 101 Fulbright Scholars, 20 Marshall Scholars, and 12 Rhodes Scholars."

Sheldon smirked as he asked the question he'd been about to when Leonard had interrupted him. "So why are they employing you?"

"Because I'm the best in my field," Leonard said, puffing out his chest.

"Or perhaps it's because Mummy put in a good word for you," Sheldon responded.

"My mother…" Leonard began, only for Sheldon to interrupt again.

"Told me everything," Sheldon said with a big smile. "How you were voted the most unpopular professor in the school, how every time someone played a prank on you…"

"A prank?" Leonard squeaked. "They shot at me with an AK47!"

"My, you really were unpopular, weren't you?" Sheldon mocked, before sighing. "But that's no surprise since those students were encumbered with a so-called scientist for a teacher whose main field is that of copying others research."

"It's better than researching an electric can opener," Leonard retorted.

"On reflection, I really should thank you for that," Sheldon said, a small smile playing on his lips.

Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Because without your interference I never would have gotten Penny."

"Hasn't she discovered you're not a real boy yet?"

Sheldon smirked. "I know from the petty remarks you've posted online that you've seen the videos 'Scientists Gone Wild'. Now, given that you've seen them and what went down, tell me I'm not a real boy, something Penny could no doubt confirm. I do believe she called me a 'dang good kisser' on there."

Leonard decided he'd rather endure coach than have to listen to Sheldon rubbing it in about Penny, and he therefore turned away to speak to the stewardess. "I've changed my mind. If there's a seat free in coach, I'll take it."

"I'll swap with Dr. Cooper," the same woman who Sheldon had seen earlier that morning outside of his office offered, as she stepped into the first class compartment of the plane. "I'd like to talk to Dr. Hofstadter."

"There's no accounting for taste," Sheldon murmured. But upon spotting that the seat the woman should have been seated in was the one he'd requested at check-in and had failed to get, he unsnapped his seatbelt and moved to sit next to a pretty dark-haired girl, who smiled vacantly at him before returning to her crossword puzzle.

A short while later an outburst from Leonard caught both Sheldon's and the girl's attention, and they both looked over to see Leonard was sitting with his arms folded and his lips pursed as he repeated his earlier outburst, but this time a little more quietly.

"Not a chance."

The woman with blue hair spoke loudly enough for them to hear her say, "Young man, if you don't exchange places with Dr. Cooper, I promise I'll carry out my threat, now move!"

Leonard got up and moved reluctantly over to where Sheldon was now seated. "You need to switch seats with me."

"Why would I do that? This seat is Seat 3B."

"Oh God, you're going to tell me exactly why you prefer it, aren't you?"

"I am," Sheldon confirmed, before proceeding to do exactly that. "Seat 3B is close enough to the emergency exits that I stand a good chance of getting out without being trampled in the case of an emergency."

Leonard suspected he knew what else was coming and so he pre-empted Sheldon. "And don't tell me, it's not so close to the toilets that you'll get a whiff of whatever the occupant is doing."

"Nor will I have to listen to them, so I'm not moving."

"If you don't move, she's going to blackball me."

"Then I'm definitely staying where I am."

"She's Dr. Helena Rantzenburger."

Sheldon looked suspiciously at the woman sitting across the aisle. "She looks nothing like her."

Leonard turned back to face the woman and lifted up his hands as if to say 'what now'.

The woman waved her hands at Leonard, pointing at Sheldon.

Leonard sighed. "Look, just talk to her, okay? It might be the big break you've been looking for."

Sheldon gave him a look of derision. "Hofstadter, do you really expect me to fall for that?"

"Fall for what?"

"She turned up at my office this morning and then miraculously she manages to end up on my flight claiming to be a famous scientist, who, by the way, she looks nothing like."

"Then tell me how I managed it when I didn't even know you'd be on this flight."

"I spoke to your mother last night and she knew," Sheldon said, glancing at the woman across the aisle. "How much did he pay you?"

"He didn't pay me anything, Dr. Cooper," the woman said. "I am Dr. Helena Rantzenburger."

The girl sitting next to Sheldon couldn't resist joining in, backing Sheldon in a cut-glass English accent by saying, "And I'm the queen of England."

"Excuse me," Leonard said, "but this is none of your business."

"You didn't say that when you were trying to chat me up before we boarded," the girl said, before saying to Sheldon, "Can you believe this guy? He told me he was a North Pole explorer."

Leonard went red. "Well, I have been to the North Pole and I was doing exploration."

"You were performing sabotage," Sheldon countered. "And you're not going to repeat that performance by trying to pass that woman off as a famous scientist."

"She just managed to pick a hole in some of my work."

Sheldon was hardly impressed. "A first year student could pick a hole in your work."

The woman then said, "My colleagues at Oxford and I have been working with Helmholtz-Zentrum Berlin für Materialien und Energie."

Aware that this work involved magnetic monopoles, Sheldon yawned as if bored. "Nice try, madam, but no cigar. He knows only too well how much I'd be interested in that." He then addressed the stewardess. "Excuse me but this man and that woman with the blue hair are bothering me."

The stewardess immediately leapt into action and held out a hand to point towards Leonard to his seat. "Sir, if you would sit down, please."

Sheldon stuck out his tongue as Leonard did as he was told. However, Sheldon's satisfaction was shortly to vanish as the plane began to taxi and he nervously gripped the arms of the chair, repeating over and over again, "I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die."

The word 'die' came out as a loud scream as the plane lifted up and left the ground and the screaming grew louder as the plane flew higher, forcing the girl next to him to take action. She punched him, hard, knocking Sheldon out and a small cheer went up.

Leonard was impressed and despite his earlier irritation with the girl, he leant across the aisle and asked, "How did you do that?"

"I'm a boxer, obviously," the girl said in a voice filled with sarcasm.

"You're not really, are you?"

"No, I'm an actress."

Leonard looked at the girl in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yes, really," the girl said. "I learnt to box for my latest film, 'Boxer Girls of LA versus the Aliens of Mars."

Leonard winced. "Sounds, um, wonderful."

"It was dreadful," the girl said honestly. "But it earned me two grand to take back home to Houston."

"But aren't you British?"

"No, I'm not," the girl said, slipping easily into an American accent.

Now that she was talking to him in a decidedly more friendly manner, and, believing he might actually have a chance with the girl after all, Leonard continued to chat to her. "Have I heard of you before?"

"My stage name is Lesley Harbinger," Lesley offered up.

The man in front of her turned around and looked between the gaps in the seats. "I thought I recognized your voice. You were in Attack of the Killer Zombies of Mars."

The mention of killer zombies of Mars filtered through to Sheldon and he came to screaming, "Danger, danger!"

"I want to hit him this time," Leonard said, unclipping his seatbelt and stepping across the aisle.

Spotting Leonard's raised fist, Sheldon began to scream even louder. "Help! I'm being assaulted. Help!"

Suddenly a man burst through the curtains. Aware of what this man had to be, Leonard hit the deck before even being told to, screaming, "I'm unarmed, I'm unarmed."

"Put your hands behind your head."

Leonard did as he was told and was quickly secured to his seat. "I was only going to punch him. And she did it first."

Lesley looked in disgust at Leonard. "You really are a little worm."

"Ma'am, is this true?"

"He was hysterical, so I slapped him and he passed out," Lesley lied.

"Sir?"

"I don't remember," Sheldon said honestly. "Well, I remember screaming I'm going to die but that was it."

"I'd like to bring the flight down early."

"But you can't," Sheldon interrupted. "My girlfriend needs me."

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it's protocol." The man then spoke quietly to the stewardess, who relayed a message to the pilot.

Sheldon was more than a little frustrated when an announcement was made a short time later.

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to an unexpected illness on board, we'll be making an unscheduled landing in Las Vegas."

Sheldon closed his eyes and began to pray to the God he didn't believe in as they began to make their descent. The moment the plane had made contact with the ground, he knew he couldn't go through it again and he leaned around and addressed the seated stewardess. "Miss, I want to get off."

* * *

Sheldon got his wish, as he, together with Leonard and the girl next to him, were escorted off the plane.

After being questioned he was released an hour later and, as he dashed into the concourse of the airport, determined to find some way of getting to Penny that didn't involve flying, he spotted the blue haired woman, and it was obvious she was waiting for him.

"Dr. Cooper, I've arranged for a car to take you on to Houston."

"Not a chance," Sheldon said, not trusting this woman one bit. "Hofstadter is going to have you kill me or something and then dump my body in the desert."

"That's a little overdramatic, Dr. Cooper," the woman said.

"I arranged for him to be stuck in a country where the students attacked him with an AK47," Sheldon said to her. "Now tell me I'm being overdramatic."

"Then let me prove I am who I say am to you." She then handed Sheldon a cell phone and a laptop. "Please feel free to look up Rantzenburger Research in Oxford, England. Then call them and tell them Dr. Barker gave you my name in relation to the Odyssey Project and that they're to patch you through to my cell phone. You'll see then, when they're trying to interrupt the call you're on, that I am who I say I am."

Sheldon sat down and began to do as the woman said, a short time later hanging up. However, he was still hesitant as he addressed the woman. "Are you really Dr. Helena Rantzenburger because you don't look like her."

"I am but I'm incognito," she said, with a smile.

"Sort of like Batman."

"Except without the cool car, although I do have access to a few interesting gadgets." Helena then beckoned to a uniformed man Sheldon hadn't noticed until then who led them outside to her car.

Once seated inside of the car, Sheldon made an observation. "You look younger and very different from your picture."

"I've had plastic surgery," Helena admitted. "I was fed up of looking old and wrinkly, so I had a few procedures."

"You certainly don't look your age," Sheldon said, looking critically over Helena's face. "Your surgeon did some excellent work."

"I could give you her name."

Sheldon shuddered. "Thank you but no. The only surgery I ever wish to contemplate is the removal of my brain into a robotic form when the technology becomes available."

"You don't wish to die?"

"And waste my intellect?"

"I understand you have an IQ of 187."

"I do," Sheldon confirmed, before disparaging the system. "However, I don't truly believe the system appreciates my unique genius."

"I've heard on the grapevine that modesty isn't one of your failings."

"Sarcasm?"

"No, mere observation, Dr. Cooper," Helena said, before saying, "I'd like to hear more about your own work into magnetic monopoles."

"Is this that why you pursued me on to that flight, because I now imagine it can't have been to frighten Hofstadter, although you definitely did that."

"It wasn't, although that part was rather fun."

"I think I like you," Sheldon said with a smile. "Why were you going to blackball him?"

"I wasn't, but I thought he deserved to be taught a little extra lesson for his part in sabotaging your work."

"So you were lying?"

"Fudging the truth," Helena responded. "Although I could have placed a few phone calls and Dr. Hofstadter would have found himself unemployed. However, in addition to what happened on the plane today, I believe you've already had your revenge on him, and I don't hold a grudge against him personally."

"So why did you speak to him?"

"As I said, a little fun," Helena said, before looking keenly at Sheldon. "Something I understand you're usually rather fond of when flying."

Sheldon went red as he realized to what she was inferring. "Dear Lord, isn't there anyone who hasn't seen that video?"

Helena laughed. "I imagine there is but I came across it when I was researching you."

"May I ask why?"

"I'd like to offer you a position to work with my team in Oxford."

Sheldon wasn't entirely sure she was being serious. "Really?"

"Absolutely, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get you there." She gave Sheldon a naughty smile. "Although I'm afraid I'm a little too old to entice you with my body."

"It wouldn't matter what age you were, I doubt I'd be interested," Sheldon said truthfully. "My own girlfriend has enough trouble enticing me."

"It didn't look that way on the video."

"I was drunk and drugged," Sheldon shared.

"And again at the award ceremony where I saw you talking to that odious woman."

"You were there?" Sheldon was more surprised to learn this than he was insulted at Helena's description of his grandmother.

"I keep a low profile," Helena said truthfully. "Otherwise I end up plagued with endless requests to read papers for people and for job openings. I'm now more interested in real life than science but your case is different."

"Why?"

"Because you're one of the few people I think have potential," Helena informed, before smiling as she said, "And you look cute when you smile."

Sheldon scowled. "I look nothing of the sort."

"Something about you must have piqued your young lady's attention."

"Her name is Penny," Sheldon revealed. "And we only got together to annoy Hofstadter."

"Tell me about it," Helena urged.

And so Sheldon found himself opening up to the stranger in the seat next to him. Eventually he ran out of things to say, although Helen didn't have the same problem.

"Is she an intelligent girl?"

"It depends on how you define intelligence."

"Our type of intelligence."

Sheldon snorted. "Then absolutely not, although she is good at memorizing your order."

"She's a waitress?"

"At the Cheesecake Factory."

"Take my advice and settle down with her," Helena said. "My first husband was just like me."

"Harold Carstone," Sheldon supplied unnecessarily.

"We argued like cat and dog." Helena then laughed. "And we never had sex. It was far too messy."

Sheldon was relieved to hear that someone else thought like him. "That's what I keep on trying to tell Penny, although she's still doing her best to try and convince me otherwise so that I'll have coitus with her."

Helena's amusement faded as her mouth dropped open. "You're trying to tell me you've never had sex."

"I haven't," Sheldon said, aware that the driver's head had stiffened as he was obviously listening in.

This became apparent when the driver added a comment of his own. "But I saw you in that video."

Sheldon gave Helena a severe look. "I told you everyone seems to have seen it."

"So you didn't join the Mile High Club?" the driver asked.

"Good grief!"

"That is rather personal," Helena said to the driver.

Sheldon went on to show that it wasn't the personal nature of the question that had bothered him. "Why is it everyone gets the cruising height of aircraft wrong?"

The driver ignored this comment to ask, "So you didn't?"

Sheldon shook his head at what he saw as the stupidity of the driver. "Since I've already made it perfectly clear that I'm still a virgin, the answer is obviously no, I didn't, not that it's any of your business."

Helena pressed a button and a window slid up, separating them from the driver. "Sorry, he's from a hire company and not my usual driver."

"You have a driver?"

"Yes, and if you agree to take the position I'm offering, you could too," Helena said after a few moments. "You'd also have an excellent salary, access to whatever you need to do your research, and, on occasion, the opportunity to visit CERN."

Sheldon gulped at the thought of achieving one of his lifelong ambitions. "CERN?"

"Yes."

Then, as he thought about why he was even sitting in the car, Sheldon came crashing back down to earth. "But what about Penny?"

"I'm afraid I can't offer a waitress a job."

"She's also an actress," Sheldon offered up. "I'm sure she could pretend to be a scientist."

Helena sighed. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper, but the offer is for you alone. I'm afraid the British government doesn't hand out visas for pretend scientists."

"But I can't leave Penny. She might not want to be my girlfriend if I did."

"So you don't want the position?"

"That's like saying to Einstein 'perhaps you shouldn't invent the theory of relativity'!" Sheldon exclaimed. "There must be some way Penny could come with me."

"She could visit."

"But then she'd expect me not to work and to take her out shopping and things like that," Sheldon said with a shudder. "It wouldn't work."

"I may have another possibility."

"What is it?" Sheldon asked excitedly.

"You could marry her."

**Next chapter: Sheldon tells Penny about his offer.**


	22. The Proposal Faux Pas

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 22: The Proposal Faux Pas**

Penny blearily opened her eyes as she heard her name, then a rap, then her name. For one moment she thought it sounded like Sheldon, but then all went silent. However, worried that her father might have taken a turn for the worse, she leapt out of bed and threw open the door. She'd been right the first time - it was Sheldon.

"Sheldon, why didn't you knock three times?"

"I did but you probably couldn't hear me over the sound of your snoring."

"I don't snore," Penny bit out. "What time is it?"

"Four a.m.," Sheldon said helpfully as Penny stepped aside to let him into his bedroom, which she was using while she stayed with Mary.

"Sheldon, it's the middle of the night!"

"It's actually early morning," Sheldon corrected.

"Whatever it is, what the hell are you doing here?"

Sheldon could tell that Penny wasn't happy at being woken up so early and so he tried smiling as well as offering up an explanation. "I wanted to be here with you for your dad's surgery."

Penny's angry face showed Sheldon that she still wasn't happy. "That was hours ago."

"I had to get off the plane in Las Vegas."

Penny groaned. "Please tell me you didn't do something stupid."

"No, Hofstadter did."

"Huh?"

"He was on the same plane and tried to attack me. A marshal took him off the plane and I got off as well."

"Why? The surgery was in Houston."

"I know that. But I couldn't face take-off again and so I disembarked. I'd have had to get off anyway as they needed to question me."

"No shit."

"Sarcasm?"

"Yes, Sheldon, of course it's sarcasm," Penny snapped. "So if you got booted off the plane…"

"I didn't get booted off; I chose not to resume my journey."

"Whatever it was, how did you get here?"

"Dr. Rantzenburger gave me a ride."

"Who?"

"A theoretical physicist like me."

So far Penny was far from impressed with Sheldon's explanation. "So you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that you got a ride with a physicist?"

Sheldon was about to make things worse. "No, I woke you up in the _early morning_ to tell you that you have to marry me."

"Come again."

"But I'm already here."

Penny sometimes wondered whether Sheldon was deliberately obtuse and she usually overlooked it, but at that time of the morning, she was tired and grumpy. "Sheldon, stop being so difficult and just tell me what you want!"

"You have to marry me," Sheldon repeated, thinking he'd made himself clear.

"Why?"

"Because I need to be married for a job I've been offered."

Penny blinked, trying to clear her head, her brain foggy from lack of sleep and worry about her father. "So let me get this straight. You're telling me I have to marry you because of a job you want?"

"Yes."

"Get out."

"But…"

"Get out, Sheldon, before I make you get out."

Sheldon found himself backed out of the room and the door shut firmly in his face. He turned around and screamed as two shadows loomed up in front of him. It was his mother and grandmother.

"You frightened me."

"Shelly, what are you doing here?" Mary asked.

"Sneaking into _her_ bed!"

"Actually, Meemaw, I was asking Penny to marry me." Sheldon could see that his grandmother liked this notion even less.

"And it couldn't wait until the morning?" Mary asked as she led her son and mother downstairs.

"I need to give Dr. Rantzenburger an answer."

"Who's he?"

"He's a she," Sheldon told his grandmother.

"Is she single?"

"She's as old as you are, Meemaw."

"Yes, but is she single?"

Mary decided it was time to intervene. "Shelly, let's go sit down in the kitchen. Mama, go back to bed."

"But I want to see my Moonpie," Meemaw said, deciding to change her tactics to try and talk Sheldon out of his idea.

"And I want to talk to my son, alone," Mary said forcefully, well aware that Meemaw would have nothing good to say about Penny. "You can see Shelly in the morning."

Grumbling, Meemaw headed into the guest room on the first floor.

"Can we have some cocoa?" Sheldon asked, taking a seat at the table.

"Yes."

"And a grilled cheese sandwich?" Sheldon asked hopefully.

"Yes."

"With a smiley face?"

"Do I ever not give you a smiley face in your sandwich?"

"No."

"Then why ask?"

"Because you might have forgotten. You're getting older and I just wanted to be certain dementia isn't becoming an issue."

"I can still remember how to spank your behind if you give me any more sass, young man," Mary warned.

"Sorry," Sheldon said quickly, half afraid his mother would follow up on her warning.

Appeased, Mary started to make the hot cocoa and sandwich Sheldon had requested. "I guess Penny didn't take your proposal well."

"No, but I don't understand why," Sheldon said, completely unable to see the problem.

"What did you say to her?"

"That she had to marry me so that I could accept a job I've been offered."

"I imagine there's more to it than that."

"There is," Sheldon said, before explaining, "I've been made an extraordinary job offer but I don't want to accept it unless Penny can go with me but she threw me out before I could say that to her."

"I can't say I blame her," Mary said as she dropped the sandwich into the skillet. "Shelly, do you love her?"

Sheldon blushed and nodded. "Yes."

"So you should tell her that, and when you propose to her next time, do it properly."

"Oh," Sheldon said, before catching on to what he thought his mother had meant and excitedly saying, "Oh! You mean like when Dad asked you to marry him?"

"Burping a proposal out to the National Anthem while you're watching the Super Bowl isn't an ideal way of inviting someone to share your life," Mary said, her lips pursed together as she remembered. "Penny deserves more than a beer breath belching offer of marriage."

"You mean I have to take her to dinner and get down on one knee, that sort of ridiculous tomfoolery?"

"If you want her to say yes, then yes." Mary also gave her son another piece of advice. "And an engagement ring rather than a beer can pull might also be a nice touch."

"Then I suppose I should go shopping later this morning," Sheldon said, his brow furrowing. "But Dr. Rantzenburger needs an answer then."

"I'm sure she'll be willing to wait if you're worth it," Mary said, plopping the sandwich onto a board and cutting it in half before placing it on a plate.

"Oh, I'm worth it all right," Sheldon said, about to pick up the sandwich and bite into it, only to pull back his hand as Mary rapped it with the fish slice.

"What do we say first?"

"Mum, it's the early hours of the morning."

"And God's still listening."

Sheldon knew he'd never get his sandwich if he didn't play ball and so he said, "Dear Lord, thank you for my sandwich. Amen."

"Not quite what I had in mind but I suppose it's better than nothing," Mary said, as she stepped away to pour hot milk into the mugs she'd prepared. "What restaurant are you going to take her to?"

"I want to go to the Rainforest Café," Sheldon said, naming his favorite restaurant in his hometown.

"You might want to try somewhere that won't result in you proposing while Tracy the Talking Tree does her thing."

"I suppose it might ruin the moment, although her ecological message is sound," Sheldon said, before saying, "How about Chili's? That doesn't have talking trees and they serve strawberry lemonade. I like strawberry lemonade."

"I was thinking of somewhere like the Steakhouse," Mary said, well aware of Sheldon's dislike of trying somewhere new. "You've been there before."

"But they don't serve strawberry lemonade," Sheldon complained, easily able to recall the restaurant.

Mary resisted the temptation to use her still hot skillet to beat some sense into her son's head. "Shelly, you might be a genius when it comes to science stuff but when it comes to romance you're as sharp as mashed potato."

Sheldon proved this by asking, "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to tell you that if you want Penny to say yes, then believe me, strawberry lemonade isn't going to work."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Shelly, I'm sure."

"I'll take it under advisement."

* * *

**The Next Morning**

Penny was yawning widely as she padded into the kitchen, looking for coffee. "Morning, Mrs. Cooper. Is there any coffee?"

"There's coffee in the jug and a plate of waffles warming in the oven," Mary said, pulling out a chair. "You sit down. I'll get them."

Penny slumped into the chair and asked, "Where's Sheldon?"

"He went out," Mary said, but didn't fill Penny in on Sheldon's expedition. "Here you go."

Unlike Sheldon, Penny didn't need prompting and she offered up thanks as she knew Mary expected her to, before drowning her waffles in syrup and tucking into them. When she'd finished and put her dishes in the dishwasher, she filled Mary in as to her plans.

"I'm going to see Dad and then I'll probably eat out tonight." She'd spent one night eating in at Mary's, listening to Meemaw rambling on and on about how she knew the perfect girl for her little Moonpie, and Penny had been ready to take her dinner fork and poke Meemaw in the eye by the time dessert had been served. After that she'd simply stuck to eating out.

"Try the Steakhouse," Mary suggested, a plan forming in her mind. "It serves a cut of chicken so tender it'll have you drooling like you've lost your mind."

"Then it'll be perfect," Penny said, deciding that the description described her to a tee that morning.

"I'll get you a map."

When Penny came down from getting dressed, Mary had a map waiting with the restaurant circled. "I've booked you a table for seven o'clock and ordered a taxi to pick you up at 6.30."

Having done this for her once already, Penny didn't see anything strange in Mary's arrangements. "Thanks. I'll see you later. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Nothing at all," Mary said, biting her tongue before she could wish Penny good luck.

"See you later then."

* * *

**The Steakhouse Restaurant**

It was almost seven thirty when Penny ran into the restaurant and up to the desk. "Sorry, I'm late but you had a table held for me at seven. I'm not sure if it's booked under Mary Cooper or…"

"It was, and your boyfriend said you might be late," the girl said, before leading Penny through to the dining room.

"Boyfriend?"

"He said he was your boyfriend."

Penny looked across the room and spotted Sheldon wiping the silverware with a napkin before holding it up to the light. "Yep, that's my boyfriend. Can you get someone to fetch me a double tequila? I think I'm gonna need it."

Penny then headed over to where Sheldon was seated. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going to eat dinner," Sheldon said, holding a hand out to Penny to invite her to sit down. "I'm glad you can join me."

When a waitress came over, Penny took the glass of tequila from her and knocked the contents straight back, before smiling. "Can I have a glass of white wine now?"

"Isn't that a lot of alcohol?" Sheldon asked as he wrinkled his nose at the smell.

"Yep, but I've got a funny feeling I'm going to need it."

"Nobody actually needs alcohol, not unless…"

"Not unless they have to spend dinner sitting across from you," Penny finished, still angry after their discussion in the early hours of the morning. "So what are you doing here, Sheldon, apart from eating?"

"I'm not eating yet."

"Sheldon!"

"It's about this morning."

"I'm not in the mood, Sheldon." Penny frowned when the waitress came back bearing a bottle of champagne. "What's going on?"

Sheldon withdrew from his pocket a large piece of what looked like tissue paper and placed it on the floor, before kneeling on it.

"Sheldon, get up!" Penny hissed as she suddenly realized what he was about to do.

Sheldon refused. "No, not until I've said what I have to." He then took hold of her hand. "Penny, you have to marry me."

Aware they were being watched, Penny yanked Sheldon's hand firmly, almost throwing him off-balance. "Sheldon, get up before I pull you up by your hair or push you over so that you have to touch whatever's been ground into this carpet."

The second threat having more impact than the first, Sheldon swiftly got up and sat down, before peevishly saying, "What did I do wrong this time? Mum said…"

"Your mother put you up to this?" Penny asked, rearing up out of her seat, only for Sheldon to grab her hand.

"Penny, please don't go."

Penny sank back into her chair at Sheldon's plaintive tone. "Only if you promise not to bring up the mention of marriage again."

"But I have to, it's important."

Aware they were being watched, Penny got to her feet again. "Fine, but not here."

"But I bought champagne," Sheldon complained, having eventually given in to his mother's suggestion that strawberry lemonade really wasn't going to cut it.

The waitress, who'd been listening anxiously for Penny's answer, hurried over. "Perhaps a table that's a little more private like the one over there."

"Whatever," Penny said somewhat ungraciously, before following the girl across the room and sitting down at a table next to a piano. She also wasn't too gracious towards Sheldon. "So spit it out then."

"Aren't you going to try your champagne?"

"There'd better not be a ring in here," Penny warned as she picked up her glass.

"There isn't," Sheldon promised. "Mum thought it would be romantic, but I didn't want you to choke on it, so it's in my pocket. Although Meemaw surprisingly sided with Mum."

Penny knew exactly why Meemaw had done so, and she also knew that it had had nothing to do with romance. "Sheldon, you can't do this."

Sheldon reached over and took her free hand, the other one grasping on to the glass of champagne as if for dear life. "Why not?"

"Because you want to marry me because of a job!" Penny snarled angrily. "It's almost as bad as telling me you want to marry me because you want me to have your baby!"

"It's not like that this time."

"Then what is it like?"

"I've been offered a position in England but because you can't go unless you're married to me, I thought I should ask you to marry me."

Penny let out a long sigh. "Sheldon, it's exactly like last time."

"No, it isn't. Last time I asked because you said you'd have to be married before you'd consider bearing my progeny. This time I'm asking because of my job."

Penny spelt it out for him. "Sheldon, I only want you to ask me to marry you because you love me and can't live without me, not because of some stupid job."

"That is why I'm asking," Sheldon said, thinking he'd made it clear. "I don't want to go without you."

"And if I say no?"

"Then I won't take the job, even though it's the job of my dreams," Sheldon said, before adding, "_And_ I'd be able to visit CERN."

Penny knew only too well how much visiting CERN meant to Sheldon. "And you'd give that up for me?"

"It wouldn't be my first choice."

"So the answer's no."

"No, I said it wouldn't be my first choice. My first choice would be for you to say you'll marry me and I can take the position. But if you don't, then I'll do what's best for the good of the one… you."

Penny's lips began to tremble. "You'd really put me first?"

"I believe that's what I just said."

Not spotting a twitch, Penny started to cry, and Sheldon immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. "You're going to turn me down again, aren't you?"

Rather than responding verbally, Penny instead got up, before walking around the table and sitting on Sheldon's lap. Then she kissed him, ignoring his murmur of protest at the taste of alcohol on her lips.

When the kiss ended, Sheldon looked in befuddlement at her. "I'm confused. Is that a yes or a no?"

"It's a yes, you idiot. I'll marry you." The whole restaurant began clapping and cheering as Penny then kissed Sheldon again.

When she came up for air, Sheldon brought Penny back down to earth. "That's a relief. I'd hate to think I'd wasted money on a deposit. I've already booked the church."

"What?"

"I have to be in England in a month," Sheldon explained. "And while Dr. Rantzenburger had already anticipated my acceptance, she didn't know about you until yesterday. I tried telling her that you were an actress and could pretend to be a scientist but she wasn't impressed."

Mollified by Sheldon's comment, Penny returned to her seat. "You think I'm that good?"

"With some coaching you could be," Sheldon said diplomatically, before fishing in his pocket and pulling out a box. "I have to give you this now."

Taking the blue velvet box, Penny opened it up and swore. "Christ, Sheldon!" Then she clamped a hand over her mouth as heads turned to look at her. "Sorry."

"You don't like it?"

"Sheldon, I don't know what to say."

"So you don't like it."

"Are you nuts?" Penny asked.

"My mother had me tested…"

"And you're sane, I know," Penny quickly said as she took the large diamond encrusted ring out of the box and slipped it on to her finger. "It fits!"

"I snuck into your room and measured your finger after I'd finished talking to Mum. You didn't hear me as you were snoring again," Sheldon said, watching a frown mar Penny's features. "Are you mad at me?"

"I don't snore, Sheldon."

"Would you like to listen to the digital recording I made of you?"

"You made a recording?"

"I foresaw a conversation of this nature coming up," Sheldon said, well aware that Penny hated being told she snored. "So yes, I did."

Penny gave in. "You win, I snore."

"And you're not mad because I snuck in?" Sheldon asked. "Because I remember when I once snuck into your apartment to clean it, you were irrationally angry."

"Sheldon, you hardly knew me, and sneaking into my home was just creepy."

"You were snoring then too," Sheldon informed her.

"Sheldon, enough with the snoring," Penny said as she held out her hand to admire the ring. "It's really beautiful."

Sheldon gave what could only be considered a smirk.

"What did you do?"

"I took Meemaw with me to buy the ring," Sheldon admitted.

Penny's pleasure suddenly diminished. "Please don't tell me she picked this."

"It was the ring she said she hated most, and so I knew you'd like it," Sheldon said, thinking his logic sound.

Penny gave a shout of laughter. "Sheldon, that was brilliant."

"I know," Sheldon said smugly as the waitress came over. "I have an IQ of 187, how could I be anything else?"

Penny rolled her eyes before she held out her hand to show off her ring. "I'm getting married."

"I heard," the waitress said before admiring the ring. "It's beautiful."

For once in his life Sheldon managed to say the right thing. "Like Penny."

"I think I'm gonna cry again," Penny said at Sheldon's words as she looked at the ring once more.

Not expecting this reaction, Sheldon whispered to the waitress, "Is that good?"

"It's very good, Sir."

* * *

Sheldon headed into Wyatt's bedroom having left his fiancée with her mother. "Good morning, Sir."

"That's a little formal," Wyatt said, looking up at Sheldon. "What's cooking?"

Sheldon sniffed the air. "Nothing I can smell."

Wyatt laughed and then winced. "I meant what's up?"

"Oh," Sheldon said, catching on. "Before I tell you what's cooking, first of all I'm glad to see you looking so well."

"The operation went well. Thanks for the recommendation."

"You're welcome, Sir," Sheldon said, before moving closer to the bed. "And secondly, I'd like to ask you for your permission to marry your daughter."

"Do you think she'll say yes this time?"

"She already did," Sheldon revealed. "But Penny said it was traditional to still ask for your permission, and that you'd probably kick my ass if I didn't."

"Then permission granted."

"Good, because the wedding's in two weeks' time."

Wyatt was stunned. "That doesn't leave me much time to recover and rent a tux."

"You're renting?"

"You're not?"

Sheldon shuddered. "The thought of wearing something that might have had someone else's bodily fluids all over them fills me with horror. I'm having one made."

Wyatt had never looked at it that way before, but shuddering, he did so now. "Then you'd better make that two."

"A good choice."

Suddenly something occurred to Wyatt. "Is Penny pregnant?"

"Good grief, no," Sheldon said quickly. "We've never had coitus."

"I really didn't need to know that."

"I thought most fathers would welcome the news that I'm not taking advantage of their daughter, particularly as I wouldn't want them worrying after having major surgery."

"Well, I'm definitely not worrying now."

Having achieved his goal, Sheldon decided it was time to leave. "Then I'll be on my way. I have to give notice at the University."

This news wasn't quite so welcome. "You're giving up your job when you're about to be married?"

"Yes, I have a new one, in England. It's why we're getting married so quickly. Penny has to go to the British Embassy to hand in her visa application so that she can fly out with me."

"Has Penny told her mother yet?"

"They were weeping and wailing over it, so I imagine so," Sheldon said. "Although I fail to see why they're so upset. It's not as if Penny can't Skype her and she rarely sees her mother anyway."

Wyatt could see that Sheldon truly didn't get it, but not wanting to have to explain the situation to Sheldon with what still felt like a major headache, Wyatt simply agreed with him. "Yes, I suppose that's true."

Sheldon looked at his watch. "I'm glad we got that sorted, but I'm afraid I really do have to go."

"Then I expect to see you at the wedding."

Sheldon looked strangely at Penny's father. "I should hope so since I'm the one marrying Penny." He then left a bemused Wyatt behind.

* * *

"Sheldon, you can't change the wedding vows to read like that."

"Why ever not?"

"Because you can't include a clause in the vows about me singing Soft Kitty to you and putting vapor rub on your chest when you're sick."

"I still don't see why not. I'm willing to do the same for you."

"Sheldon, that's really sweet, but just leave it as…" Penny then began to think about the possibilities of Sheldon rubbing her chest before she shook her head. "No, Sheldon, just leave it as in sickness and in health."

"Can I at least say my vows in the Vulcan language?"

"No!"

"Klingon?"

"No!"

"Ferengi?"

"Sheldon, no Star Trek languages."

"Not even Federation Standard?"

"No!"

"Bazinga! As any Trekker would know, that's Earth Basic, or as you know it, English."

Penny got up and stomped off. Sheldon looked at his sister in dismay. "What did I do?"

"Shelly, honey, marriage is important and Penny doesn't want hers to be a joke."

"But I wasn't joking. I would prefer to say my vows in another language, at the very least Klingon."

"Shelly, if you really love Penny then you'll just play it straight and say them in English."

"But that's boring," Sheldon whined.

"Shelly, a wedding is supposed to be a loving and moving occasion, not a way of expressing your affection for Star Trek."

Sheldon still wasn't willing to give in without a fight. "Do you think she'll let me have Star Trek tablecloths at the dinner?"

"No!"

"Runners?"

"No!"

"Napkins?"

"No, Shelly, no."

"You sure know how to put the word 'mar' in marriage."

As Missy followed in Penny's footsteps, Sheldon shook his head and muttered, "Women!"

**Next chapter: The big day**


	23. The Extinction Level Event

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 23: The Extinction Level Event **

"Aren't you nervous?"

Sheldon sent Raj a blistering look as he surveyed himself in the mirror. "No, why would I be?"

"You're not afraid she'll come to her senses and back out?" Howard asked.

"Or that she'll realize that she's got to go back to whatever planet she comes from, you know, like E.T. did?"

"George, for the final time, Penny is not an alien, or a robot, or anything else supernatural," Sheldon snapped at his brother. He then glared at Howard. "And no, Penny isn't going to back out."

"But you can't tell me that you haven't planned for the worst possible scenario," Howard contended.

"The worst possible scenario would be an Extinction Level Event, such as a meteor hitting the planet. Please do tell me how I'm supposed to plan for that."

Sheldon had, of course, plans in place for such a thing, but he wasn't willing to share this with Howard.

"I meant a scenario in relation to Penny not turning up."

"It's not going to happen."

"But if it does."

"Then I'll blame you for jinxing me," Sheldon warned Howard. "And you know what happens if I blame you, don't you, Howard?"

"You bust me back down to occasional colleague Wolowitz," Howard said in a bored and sarcastic voice.

"No, Howard, that isn't what happens," Sheldon said, calmly tucking a flower into his buttonhole. "What happens is that I ask the same students who went after Hofstadter to go after you with an AK47."

"You wouldn't."

"He would," Raj interjected. "He's already threatened me with the same if I cry with happiness today."

Howard recalled Raj's tendency to cry at the drop of a hat. "Then you're doomed."

* * *

In Sheldon's bedroom at Mary's house, Penny was facing similar questions to those Sheldon was being exposed to at the hotel he had stayed in the night before.

"Do you think Sheldon might run away?" Amy asked as she sipped on a glass of champagne.

"He practically begged me to marry him," Penny reminded Amy.

"Yes," Amy acknowledged, "but he's going to have to deal with having coitus tonight."

"If it hasn't dried up and withered away from lack of use," Bernadette teased.

"Are you talking about me or Sheldon?"

Missy shouted out a laugh before being honest with Penny. "I love my brother, I truly do, but it still mystifies me why you want to marry him when you know what he's like."

"Because I love him," Penny said, looking down at her right hand where she'd moved her engagement ring to so that she could slip on her wedding ring during the ceremony. "Even if he is a bit nutso."

"I'm not going to argue with that," Missy said, before saying, "And he'll be even more nutso if you don't turn up. You need to get dressed."

* * *

**The Church**

Penny stood in the anteroom waiting for the final word that they were ready for her. "I think I'm going to chuck."

"I spotted a font at the end of the aisle if you can wait that long," Amy told her helpfully.

Bernadette dove into her handbag and pulled out a silver hipflask. "Here, take a snatch at that."

Penny grabbed the flask and uncorked it, before taking a long draught and then coughing. "That certainly hits the spot."

"Do you think Sheldon's doing the same?" Bernadette asked as she took back the hipflask and took a nip herself before passing it on to Missy.

"I certainly hope not," Penny said, shuddering at the thought of a drunken Sheldon in church. "He'd probably ignore what I told him about no Klingon during our vows."

"He still might ignore it," Missy warned her, before imbibing and giving a quick shudder and passing the flask to Amy.

"I think I'd be more concerned about his alter ego coming to the forth," Amy said, taking a tiny sip of the brandy. "You would then have no need of the baby doll outfit we gave you last night."

For one moment Penny had images of Sheldon going for a home run in front of the entire congregation. "He wouldn't do it. Oh God, tell me he wouldn't do it."

"Mum would make his life a living hell if he did," Missy said, gently squeezing Penny's hand as a knock came at the door. "That's our cue."

* * *

As the music began, Sheldon turned to see the groomsmen and their partners coming up the aisle, before finally Penny and her father began to make their way up it behind them. Sheldon's nerves, ones that he had said he didn't possess, suddenly came to the forefront with a surprising wallop as he remembered he didn't like making speeches in front of people, and there were a surprisingly lot of people in the church.

"Raj, I'm seeing black spots," Sheldon hissed out of the side of his mouth. "I think I'm going to faint."

"If you do, then you'd better start praying for that Extinction Level Event," Raj hissed back, aware that Penny was almost up to them. "Now breathe!"

Sheldon sucked air in and out, trying to calm himself down, giving Wyatt what looked like a painful smile as he turned to face Penny.

Listening to the Minister, it eventually came down to Sheldon to say his vows and, with sweat beading on his forehead, Sheldon caught Raj's eye and took several more deep breaths before placing a ring on Penny's finger and beginning his speech.

"Penny, I take you to be my wife. Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you with all your faults and your strengths as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths."

Sheldon had argued about this part, saying he had no faults, but Penny had been adamant he keep the word 'faults' in the vows.

"I will help you when you need help and I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life. I love you."

Facing Sheldon, Penny began her own speech, one she hadn't told Sheldon that she would be using.

"Sheldon, I take you to be my husband, my friend, my partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your partner in health and to sing Soft Kitty to you when you're sick. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live. I love you."

Sheldon decided he rather liked the change and didn't voice any objections. He just hoped that no-one else had any objections, particularly his Meemaw, as the pastor expressed that sentiment to the wedding guests.

Looking over to his Meemaw, Sheldon was surprised and pleased to see her crying into her handkerchief with what he knew from Raj had to be happiness. Penny too had spotted Meemaw weeping, although Penny suspected it was because she had just snaffled Meemaw's precious Moonpie.

Both Penny and Sheldon returned their attention to the pastor as he announced, "Then by the power vested in me by God and by the Great State of Texas, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Sheldon did so very briefly, feeling uncomfortable with so many eyes watching him.

The pastor then smiled at everyone. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper."

As everyone started clapping, Sheldon almost ran Penny down the aisle and out of the doors.

Penny was more than a little alarmed by how pale Sheldon had turned. "Sheldon, are you okay?"

"Too many people," Sheldon managed to say before taking deep gulps of air.

Penny began to rub his back. "Remind me never to take you to a football game."

Sheldon managed to pull himself together to respond, "I've been to a football game but I've never had to make a speech at one."

"Well, this is the easy part," Penny said as she smiled as they were joined by other people who began showering them in rice. "Just pretend that you're enjoying yourself."

"Isn't acting your thing?" Sheldon asked, but he was beginning to calm down, getting irritated instead by the wayward rice grains that were currently making their way down his back.

His attention was further diverted as a voice yelled out, "Turn this way, please, and smile."

* * *

After photos, it was time to head to the hotel for dinner and the speeches.

Sitting down at the dinner table, Sheldon eyed the food suspiciously. "I still don't understand why we couldn't have eaten at the Rainforest Café."

"Sheldon, there was no way I was having Rumble in the Jungle turkey wraps and Lava nachos at my wedding reception!"

"I don't see why not, they taste delicious. However, that doesn't answer my question. Why did we have to have the reception here?"

"Because this is important to me," Penny said in a resigned voice. "I'm only going to get married once and…"

"Actually you might not be right," Sheldon interrupted, before adding a very unwelcome piece of information. "Did you know that when taken as an average, 43% of US first time marriages end in divorce?"

"So you already think our marriage isn't going to work?"

Sheldon could see that somehow he'd upset Penny. "I didn't say that. I was merely correcting your statement."

"Sheldon," Penny said, scowling at her new husband, "I don't want to be a crummy statistic, and I always swore that I'd only ever get married if I thought that marriage would last for forever."

"But forever…"

"Sheldon, whatever you're going to tell me about forever, don't."

Sheldon clammed up for a moment before still going ahead and telling Penny what he'd been about to say. "Forever is wrong. We'll be married until one or both of us are dead. And whether you like it or not, you're a statistic, although I hope not a crummy one."

"So you don't think we're going to end up divorced?"

"I can't predict the future, at least not without a time machine," Sheldon declared in a slightly sad voice as he once again bemoaned internally the lack of one. "But I wouldn't have married you if I didn't believe that our marriage had a strong possibility of being in the average of 57% of US marriages that survive until one or both partners die."

Penny smiled. "There are times I want to kill you…"

"Hopefully not right now."

"Why can't you ever let me finish a sentence?"

"I was just making an important observation," Sheldon said, interrupting again.

Penny lifted her finger to Sheldon's lips. "I was going to say, but this isn't one of them."

Sheldon paled as Wyatt tapped his glass and called for everyone's attention. "On second thoughts, just kill me now."

"Sheldon, it's only a speech and you said you'd been practicing."

"I know, but I can't go first," Sheldon said, sweat reappearing on his forehead. "Make someone else go first."

"That's not how it's done, sweetie."

"It's my wedding and I'll do it however I want to do it. Make someone else go first."

Penny watched as a very stubborn look settled on Sheldon's face and so she leant across to her father. "Dad, would you mind going first and then Raj?"

Wyatt, like Sheldon, wasn't so fond of speeches, so he immediately decided that getting it out of the way might be a good idea. Rising to his feet, he stood up.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you on behalf of myself and my wife for coming to witness the marriage of our daughter Penny to Mary's son Sheldon. I'm going to keep this brief by giving just one piece of advice, and it's meant for Sheldon alone."

Sheldon ran a finger along the collar of his wedding shirt, making Penny smirk.

Wyatt was also smirking, well aware of how uncomfortable he was making Sheldon feel. "Sheldon, if you haven't done so already, you need to let Penny know who's the boss..."

It was now Sheldon's turn to smirk at his wife, before returning his attention to his father-in-law.

Realizing that Sheldon hadn't caught on to what he intended, Wyatt's smirk turned into a huge grin before he said, "And the way you should go about it is to take hold of Penny's hands." He nodded his head towards Sheldon. "Go ahead."

When calls from the wedding audience encouraged Sheldon, he did as he was told.

"Now look into Penny's eyes."

A little arrogantly Sheldon did exactly that.

Wyatt dropped the bomb. "And then you say: "Dear... you're the boss."

Sheldon's smug smile vanished, although Penny's smile grew larger.

"So, Sheldon… dearest… do you have something to say to me?"

Aware that everyone was watching, Sheldon gave a grimacing smile and managed to spit out, "Penny, you're the boss."

As everyone toasted them, Penny leant forward and hugged Sheldon before whispering in his ear and calling him on his lie. "I saw your face jumping around like a Mexican bean."

Sheldon kept Penny from moving away by whispering something back. "It isn't actually the beans that jump. The seed pods are inhabited by the larva of a small moth, Cydia deshaisiana. The bean "jumps" when heated, because the larva spasms in an attempt to roll to a cooler environment."

"So glad we didn't have the bean filled lava nachos now," Penny said, her face going green.

Sheldon had no chance to reply because Raj had leapt to his feet.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're having a good time." Encouraged by the cheers and glass tapping, a rather tipsy Raj went on. "It's traditional to make an embarrassing speech about the groom, and Sheldon being Sheldon, there was plenty of material to choose from, such as he believes babies should be conceived using a turkey baster and a test tube."

"Well, they should be," Sheldon interjected in a loud voice, making everyone laugh.

As silence fell again, Raj drew the line at revealing anything else. "But then my beautiful fiancée, Bernadette, reminded me that one day Sheldon would be in a position to return the favor…"

Everyone was unable to miss Howard's loud 'but I thought I was going to be your best man' before a sweetly smiling Bernadette kicked him sharply under the table. "You can go on now, honey."

Raj blew his fiancée a kiss before doing so. "As I was saying, as Sheldon will one day be in a position to return the favor, I decided to limit to myself to saying that Sheldon is a very lucky man."

"Hear, hear!" Amy called out.

"So without further ado, please toast the bride and groom, Sheldon and Penny."

As Raj sat down, Sheldon was well aware it was finally his turn to speak, his face a pasty white color at the thought of again giving yet another speech in front of an audience. "I'm not going to be able to do this."

"ELE," Raj whispered.

Sheldon swallowed several times, before shakily getting to his feet and hurriedly saying his part. "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to say thank you to Beverley Hofstadter for giving birth to her son, Leonard, whose foolhardy endeavors to ruin an experiment of mine led to this marriage after I received the opportunity of a lifetime: the chance to work with Dr. Helena Rantzenburger."

Everyone, except for Beverley who had been told by Sheldon what he was going to say and was nodding approvingly, was stunned by the speech.

Howard, though, grinned and leant over to say to Penny, "I bet you didn't see that coming."

Following in Bernadette's footsteps, Amy kicked Howard but it was the groom towards whom she directed her ire, "Sheldon!"

Sheldon couldn't see what the commotion was about. "What?"

"You're supposed to say something appropriate about how positively delicious Penny looks today."

Sheldon sighed. "Very well. Then I'd also like to thank Beverley yet again for giving birth to Leonard. Because if she hadn't, then he'd have never ruined my experiment and I would never have had the second opportunity of a lifetime: marrying Penny." Sheldon raised his glass, which was filled with strawberry lemonade. "To Penny."

After everyone had echoed the toast, Penny turned on Raj, whispering in an angry voice, "Why the hell did you let him say that?"

"I wrote him a romantic speech about how lucky he was to have such a beautiful wife and that he loves you," Raj whispered back furiously. "But he changed it!"

"It was poorly written," Sheldon complained. "And I don't see why I had to tell everyone else that. Since I married Penny it's a given that I love her but they all didn't know about my job."

"Only you could use a moment like this for something like that, Sheldon," Howard said, shaking his head at Sheldon, before making a suggestion. "Penny, show him how it's done."

Penny took hold of Sheldon's hands. "Actually I do have something I want to say to you."

"Are you going to shout at me?"

"No, Sheldon, I'm not."

"Are you sure? Because I know you're mad."

"Sheldon, just shut up and let me have my say."

Sheldon decided to use his father-in-law's suggestion and merely said, "Yes, dear."

"Trying to placate me?" But even as she tried to look severe, Penny couldn't but help but smile.

"Absolutely," Sheldon responded, before saying, "So what do you want to say?"

Penny went over what she was about to say in her head before looking into Sheldon's eyes and uttering something she hoped he'd find romantic. "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Sheldon."

Amy and Bernadette shared a confused look, Bernadette asking Raj, "What did she say?"

"That she cherishes him," Raj said, giving a sob. "That was sooo beautiful!"

"And on that note," Wyatt said, before Raj's weeping grew too loud, "please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper to the floor for the first dance."

* * *

Once the dance was over, Sheldon escaped out into the hallway with Penny, where he made the observation, "I thought you said no Star Trek languages or changing wedding vows."

"I know but I wanted to surprise you."

"You certainly did that," Sheldon said truthfully. "Where did you learn it?"

"Off the internet," Penny said proudly.

"I thought so, your pronunciation was a little off."

"Really?" Penny bit out, her pleasure vanishing at Sheldon's criticism. "I go to the trouble of learning Spuck's language for you and you still have to bitch about it."

"You know very well that Vulcan is _Spock's_ language."

"I do, but you should also know very well that on our wedding day you shouldn't be picking holes in my pronunciation!"

"And on our wedding day you should have let me have Rumble in the Jungle turkey wraps."

A voice cut into their argument. "You've barely been married for three hours and you're already arguing."

Penny gritted her teeth as she turned around to face the one person she would have been glad to omit from the wedding party. "I knew you weren't crying from joy in the church today."

"I've never hidden the fact that I thought Amy would have made a far more suitable wife."

After Raj's explanation about why he wept at weddings, and having believed that his Meemaw had come around to Penny, Sheldon's face fell, his disappointment and sadness echoed in his voice as he hesitantly asked, "Meemaw, is it true?"

"Yes, Moonpie, it's true," Meemaw said in a gentle voice, taking Sheldon's hand. "But it's because I want the best for you."

"But Penny..." For once in his life Sheldon couldn't go on, truly hurt that his grandmother had done this to him on his wedding day.

Penny's hackles went up even more as she saw how heartbroken her husband was. "I have this one, Sheldon. Please go inside."

Tugging his hand free of his grandmother's grip, Sheldon found his voice again. "You don't want me to defend you?"

"Nope," Penny said, as she glared at Meemaw. "This is between me and her."

Meemaw glared back just as hard. "She's right, Shelly. Go back inside."

Sheldon looked from his grandmother to his wife but it was to Penny he deferred. "You're sure?"

"Absolutely." Penny then deliberately kissed Sheldon slowly before releasing him. "Go talk to my mom."

Sheldon blanched at the idea, Penny's mother finding any excuse to touch him or to flash parts of her body that Sheldon really had no desire to view. "I'll go get some fresh air."

The moment Sheldon disappeared around the corner, Penny immediately got down to the nitty-gritty. "I know you hate me, and guess what, I don't give a fuck..."

"Such terrible language…"

"That's me being polite as far as you're concerned," Penny said, folding her arms. "As I've just said, I know you hate me, but you're supposed to love Sheldon."

"I do and that's why I didn't want him marrying you."

"Well, he has, and guess what, lady? If you don't wise up pretty damn soon, you're going to miss out on some pretty important things in his life." Penny took a step closer to the old woman. "So, if you don't start playing nice, at least in front of Sheldon, I promise you now that when we have kids you'll just be a name."

"Shelly would never allow you to do it."

"If they were only his kids, maybe not, but they'll be mine too, and if you think I'm ever going to let them be exposed to the nasty words of a toxic old cow like you, you can think again."

Meemaw's cheeks turned a mottled red. "You can't talk to me like that."

"Actually, I can," Penny said, not bothered about how much she was upsetting this woman after she'd upset Sheldon. "Sheldon was willing to give you another chance after the way you treated me before and you blew it big time."

"When he finally comes round and realizes what a mistake he's made then we'll see who blew it big time."

Penny shook her head in dismay. "You really don't get it, do you? Sheldon loves me so much that he was willing to turn down the job of his dreams. But because I love him as much as he loves me, tomorrow we'll be leaving for England to move into a house you'll never be welcome in."

"We'll see about that." Meemaw then turned on her heel and stormed off.

Standing still as she tried to calm down, Penny jumped as she felt a hand tap her on her shoulder. Turning around she came face to face with Sheldon. "I thought you'd gone for fresh air."

"I was worried," Sheldon admitted, before glancing in the direction of the ladies' bathroom where his grandmother had stomped off to. "Penny, did you really mean it?"

"Every last word," Penny said forcefully. "I know she'll never like me but unless she starts being nicer, she's never stepping foot inside our home and she won't be seeing our kids."

"About that..." Sheldon began, hoping to be able to talk to his wife about the ritual he knew lay ahead that night. "I still think what Raj said about the turkey baster and the test tube is a better idea than actual coitus."

Penny decided that she'd rather not get into a discussion about that sort of thing in the corridor of the hotel. "Okay, we'll talk about it later."

"Before you go in," Sheldon said, grabbing Penny's hand as she went to go back into the reception room, "I want you to know that I support you and not Meemaw."

"Thank you."

"And I have something for you," Sheldon said, his hand dipping into his pocket and withdrawing a box. "I was going to give this to you later but you look as though you need cheering up."

Penny took the box, opening it up and bursting into tears as she spotted the resin encrusted snowflakes that had been crafted into earrings. "Sheldon, they're beautiful."

"They might be but your mascara is running," Sheldon pointed out. "And your skin will get all blotchy and ugly if you carry on crying."

Penny couldn't help herself and burst out laughing, hiccupping slightly as a sob came out at the same time. "Do you know I love you?"

"Since you tell me that all the time, the answer would be yes," Sheldon said in confirmation, before handing over his handkerchief. "You might want to use this."

After wiping her face, Penny gently touched the earrings. "They really are beautiful."

"I was going to have one made into a key ring but Raj said it wouldn't be romantic, so I went with the earrings."

"I'll wear them tonight," Penny promised.

Sheldon experienced a moment of alarm. "Penny, about that coitus..."

"Like I said, we'll talk about it later." She then used the handkerchief to wipe away the last of her tears before asking, "How do I look?"

"Less wet," Sheldon said, before making an observation as he glanced inside the room. "But I doubt anyone will notice."

"Why?"

Sheldon nodded towards the room. "Look."

Penny looked and spotted Raj doing what could only be a striptease. "Did we have to invite your friends?"

"We invited your mother."

Penny had to admit he had a good point. "Fair enough. Let's stop him before Bernadette does Howard an injury."

She then tugged Sheldon by the hand and back into the room to deal with the wayward Raj who was being filmed by a gleeful Howard.

**Sorry for the delay but work is hectic right now.**


	24. The Equine Dismount Correlation

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 24: The Equine Dismount Correlation **

Sheldon watched in dismay as a rather drunken Penny matched Raj move for move on the dance floor. "Good grief! If she carries on like that she's going to break something, probably herself."

Amy moved closer to him. "I've seen my monkeys behaving in a similar fashion after feeding them Jack Daniels and the conclusion is far from pretty."

"Oh dear," Sheldon murmured as he imagined Penny in the throes of a hangover. "And considering she's drunker than a skunk on moonshine, I imagine that tomorrow morning she'll be twice as ornery as one."

"It's tonight you should be concerned about. If she gets any drunker she won't be capable of coitus."

Sheldon's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely. Would you like me to back up my findings?"

"I would."

"Very well. Penny must weigh about, say, 128lbs..."

"120lbs," Sheldon corrected.

Armed with this information, Amy backed up her statement about the coitus. "In that case, by my reckoning, given her alcohol consumption, the meager amount of food she has consumed, and her distressing dance moves, she should currently have a blood alcohol level of approximately 0.06."

"I concur," Sheldon said, having quickly caught on to Amy's thought processes.

As he fell silent, Amy continued, "And, if she maintains the same rate of imbibing of her beverage of choice, I estimate she'll need medical assistance within two hours."

This alarmed Sheldon, despite his fear of having to indulge in sex. "But she can't. You know very well that we have a flight at 3.40pm tomorrow and need to check in five hours prior to that."

"Isn't that a little early?"

"After my previous flying experience and run in with the authorities, we decided that taking extra time would be a good idea... as would sedatives."

"In that case, if you want her vaguely sober and in fair shape for the flight tomorrow, I suggest you cut Penny off now."

"But if I do that she might want coitus tonight," Sheldon protested, wringing his hands together as he contemplated the horror of such an event.

"I don't understand why you don't want coitus with her," Amy said, eyeing Penny up as she threw herself energetically about the dance floor. "She has a lush, golden body most men, and some women, would find desirable."

"I'm not most men," Sheldon reminded Amy. "I'm far superior to them, in matters of both intelligence and evolution."

"Is that why you don't wish to have coitus with Penny? Because you consider her less evolved than you?"

"Of course not, although she is less intelligent."

"Then why don't you wish to have coitus with her?" Amy said, persisting in her questioning.

"From having carried out detailed internet research, I'm only too well aware that most women desire a 'perfect' wedding night," Sheldon said, formulating what seemed to be a perfectly logical argument. "And our wedding night would hardly be perfect with Penny in the state she is in currently."

"So you believe it to be in Penny's best interests that we let her continue to get drunker? Even though as her Bestie, I should be taking care of her?"

"I'm quite certain that like me, you wouldn't want to spoil her fun, and we can simply reschedule the wedding night for a time when she's a little less incapacitated."

"You are a most considerate man, Sheldon Cooper," Amy acknowledged as she decided Sheldon was correct. "I can only hope that one day I'll find a husband just like you."

"There's no-one else like me," Sheldon said peevishly. "I'm unique."

"We all are, but I meant as considerate as you."

"Good luck with that," Sheldon said as he consulted his watch. "I calculate she will reach her pinnacle in 46 minutes."

"I'd put in a factor of plus/minus 3 minutes," Amy said. "She just stuffed a crab pastry into her mouth."

* * *

**40 minutes later**

Just before Sheldon's watch went off, Amy got in first. "Penny needs to be intercepted within the next few minutes, and, given the state she's in, she's most definitely going to need your help to throw the bridal bouquet before she leaves."

Sheldon tutted. "Such an archaic ritual."

"We could always revert back to the medieval practice of ripping parts of Penny's dress off of her instead," Amy suggested eagerly. "I, for one, would be happy to help in bringing back such a custom."

"And have Penny punch me in the throat when she discovers that she was left half-naked and drunk on the dance floor?" Sheldon shuddered. "I think not. Despite the preposterousness of the ritual of throwing the bouquet, I believe I should go encourage Penny to participate in it." He gave Amy a sharp look as she got to her feet. "Please tell me that you won't be taking part."

"A resultant marriage for the woman catching the bridal bouquet has no real scientific basis in truth, so why would I wish to participate?" Amy asked, although her cheeks were burning.

"A most sensible decision," Sheldon said as he left Amy behind.

* * *

Penny giggled as Sheldon reached her and wrapped his arm around her waist. "Wuv you!"

"I'm sure you do," Sheldon said, trying to keep his head aloft of the rather pungent alcohol and crab fumes that Penny was wafting his way. "Now throw your bouquet. No, not that way!"

Penny caught herself just before she hurled it towards the bar. "Whoopsie!"

Sheldon turned her around. "That way."

Standing some distance from the group of eager women who had gathered to catch the bouquet, Amy took everyone by surprise by running and diving to the ground, sliding across the floor and catching the poorly thrown bouquet. "Gotcha!"

Sheldon looked down at her and frowned. "I'm disappointed in you, Amy Farrah-Fowler."

"It's purely for scientific research," Amy lied.

"And is it for scientific research that you're wearing those hideous granny panties?" Howard sniggered, unable to miss the flowery underwear that Amy was wearing, her dress now up around her waist.

"No, I'm wearing them because I have no wish to catch a cold in my nether regions," Amy informed him as Bernadette helped her to feet. "Nor to have a wardrobe malfunction that might reveal parts hither to unknown by man."

"And wearing those panties they're not likely to be," Howard said.

"It's nice to see one young lady is displaying some commonsense," a far too familiar and unwelcome voice said. "Unlike this one."

Penny grinned happily at Meemaw, who had joined the group, mostly to show her disapproval. "Hey, guess what, Meemaw, I'm gonna have sex with your Moonpie now." She then began giggling wildly. "Oops! Should'na told you that."

Having followed her grandmother, Missy decided to help Sheldon steer Penny towards the exit and away from her grandmother, who was almost foaming at the mouth at Penny's crudeness. "Sorry, sugar, but I don't think you're going to be doing anything tonight but sleeping."

"Ish my wedding night!" Penny protested as she was led into the elevator by Missy and Sheldon. "And I'm doing it with Moonpie!"

And she was still protesting as the elevator doors closed behind them.

* * *

**The Next Day**

"Oh God!"

Sheldon looked reproving at his wife as she hunkered down in her airplane seat as the plane began to push back. "Are you sure you don't want any Dramamine?"

"I think I will," Penny said, taking the packet after Sheldon fished it out of his pocket.

"I'm going to sleep now," Sheldon said, having already taken medication to help him relax – it was also making him feel extremely drowsy.

"But I feel sick," Penny whined. "Sing Soft Kitty to me, but quietly because my head aches."

"I believe our wedding vows only included your singing it to me," Sheldon reminded her. "Besides, I doubt anyone on this aircraft would want to hear me singing soft Kitty to you, no matter how extraordinarily pleasant my voice is."

"I would," Penny said pitifully. "I feel really sick."

"Since your illness is entirely self-inflicted, I have little sympathy, and I'm not singing to you," Sheldon said in a somewhat snotty voice.

"You're mad because I ruined our wedding night, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not. I'm just tired," Sheldon said truthfully. He had had to listen to Penny snore like a chainsaw all night.

Not spotting any twitch, Penny decided that Sheldon was being honest. "I'm sorry I got so drunk. I'll make it up to you tonight." Penny then groaned and buried her head in a sick bag.

As he nodded off, Sheldon was fairly certain that Penny would be doing little that night except for sleeping. He was right, and, upon arrival in Oxford, after eating dinner alone, Sheldon nervously headed to bed, but he need not have worried, Penny was still far from feeling at her best. And when she didn't push things the next night or the next, Sheldon began to relax. It was then that Penny struck…

* * *

**Oxford, England**

Sheldon heard Penny coming downstairs and turned to his guests. "That sounds like Penny now."

Penny swayed down the stairs, only to come to a swift standstill as she saw Sheldon had people with him. "Oh God!"

Sheldon's eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw that Penny was wearing high heels and the red baby doll outfit she had intended to use on her wedding night. "What are you wearing?"

"I…" Penny turned and fled back the way she'd come.

Sheldon turned around to face his guests, an amused Helena Rantzenburger and her grandson, Neville. "I must apologize for Penny's attire. I really have no idea why she would choose such an inappropriate outfit to wear to dinner."

"I think I know," Helena said.

"Would you care to share?" Sheldon asked, still not having figured it out. "As I'm fairly certain that I put in Penny's diary that it was smart casual for dinner and by no stretch of the imagination could her outfit be classified as that."

"Well, she obviously didn't read her diary," Helena interjected. "I think she was probably expecting a slightly somewhat different evening."

Suddenly it all fell into place for Sheldon. "You mean she was expecting me to have coitus with her?" He shuddered.

Neville's mouth dropped open. "You _don't_ want to have sex with her?"

"Good grief, no!" Sheldon said honestly.

"If she dresses like that, I'd be happy to oblige."

Helena slapped her grandson on the leg. "You'll do nothing of the sort." She looked up at Sheldon, who now had a worried look on his face. "I take it that you and Penny have still not had sex at all."

As Neville tried to hide an even more shocked expression, Sheldon nodded. "You take it correctly. And Penny was far too drunk for her to pursue me for coitus on our wedding night and I was rather hoping she'd forgotten about it."

Neville snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

"Did I say Bazinga?"

Neville was lost by the phrase. "Um, no."

"Then I'm not kidding."

Helena decided to get rid of her grandson so that she could speak to Sheldon without interruption. "Neville, please wait for me in the other room."

Shaking his head, Neville got up and left. Helena then turned to Sheldon. "Sheldon, do you remember me telling you about my first husband?"

"Of course," Sheldon said. "I've got an eidetic memory."

"Well, my second husband…"

Sheldon interrupted her, proving he knew of Helena's background. "Nigel Brown."

"He was good looking and very much in love with me," Helena said, before swiftly getting to the point. "But I refused to have sex with him as often…"

"Gran!" Neville's voice drifted in.

"Then stop eavesdropping," Helena scolded. "Your father didn't simply appear out of thin air, you know."

"I know but I don't want to hear about my grandmother having sex."

"So put your fingers in your ears and sing to yourself," Helena said brusquely before turning her attention back to Sheldon. "What I'm trying to say is that he left me for his secretary…"

Sheldon again interrupted. "And you were able to continue with your work uninterrupted by pressures of a carnal nature."

"No, I ended up miserable and alone until I met Neville's father," Helena said, being as honest as Sheldon had been. "Don't make the same mistake I did."

"But I'm not alone. I have Penny and I doubt very much she's going to run off with her secretary… she doesn't have one."

Neville stepped back into the room, having obviously ignored his grandmother's advice. "What my grandmother is trying to say is have sex with your wife, before somebody else does."

"Penny would never cheat on me."

"I thought that about Nigel but he did," Helena said, rising to her feet. "We'll reschedule dinner. In the meantime I suggest you take my grandson's advice."

* * *

Sheldon headed upstairs to discover Penny was now wearing her robe and he could see she was mad. "You're angry with me, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"Well, you shouldn't be," Sheldon said. "I put this appointment into your electronic diary the day after we arrived."

This simply infuriated Penny more. "You broke into my laptop?"

"Of course, 'I love shoes' is hardly a difficult password to crack," Sheldon said in a mocking tone.

"Sheldon, you had no right!"

"Then you should have a tougher password," Sheldon responded.

"Sheldon, DO NOT EVER touch my laptop again."

"Very well," Sheldon said, before pointing out a flaw with Penny's comment. "But don't forget you said that the next time you need help when you've messed your laptop up."

"Ass!" Penny snarled, stomping off towards the bedroom door. "I'm going to sleep in the spare room."

"So does that mean I don't have to have coitus?"

"Obviously! We're done!"

Sheldon winced at the loud reverberation caused by the slamming of the bedroom door. He stood on the spot for a few moments before heading out of the bedroom and down to the spare room, where he tapped on the door. "Penny." He then repeated it again and again. When Penny didn't answer the door, he kept on going. "Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny."

Penny flung open the door. "What?"

"You're not going to leave me for a secretary, are you?"

"Huh?"

"Helena said that her second husband left her for his secretary because Helena wouldn't have coitus."

"Does that mean you're never planning to have sex with me?"

"Well…" Sheldon quickly put his foot in the way as Penny went to close the door. "You didn't let me finish."

"Because I knew that you were going to say you didn't want coitus."

"I don't but I know you do and I don't want you to leave me because of it. But if I must, then I'll do it."

Penny sagged. "Sheldon, I don't want you to have sex with me because I want it. I want you to want it too."

Sheldon remembered what Helena had said about Penny's outfit. "Is that why you were wearing the shoes and nightie tonight?"

Penny nodded. "Yes. I thought if I could get you all fired up, then you might be a little more interested in having sex with me." She tugged her robe more tightly across her. "But instead I just embarrassed myself in front of your boss and that guy."

"I don't think Neville was embarrassed," Sheldon informed her. "He actually wanted to have coitus with you."

This appeased Penny somewhat. "Well, he was kinda hot. Perhaps he'd like to be my secretary."

Sheldon missed the fact that Penny was now teasing him. "You'd run off with him?"

"Well, if you don't want to put out…"

"I don't but as I just said, I will if I must."

Penny thought about telling him to stick it but then decided to strike while the iron was hot in the hope that she might be able to make Sheldon realize that sex could be enjoyable. "Then let's do this thing."

"Right now?"

"Unless you were doing something else?"

"I was thinking about dinner."

"I'm not hungry for food," Penny said, reaching out and grabbing his hand. "So let's go."

"But I need to shower first," Sheldon protested, hoping that if he took a very long one Penny might change her mind. "And I might be a while."

Penny smiled sweetly. "If I think you're taking too long, then I'll be in to help you."

Sheldon knew when he was beaten. "In that case I'll be fifteen minutes."

"I'll be timing you."

* * *

When Sheldon came out of the bathroom, wearing his pajamas and a robe, he noticed that Penny had drawn the drapes and was lighting candles even though it was still light outside. "Why the candles?"

"It's mood lighting."

"It's a fire hazard," Sheldon said, moving around the room and snuffing the candles out faster than Penny could light them. "If you indulge in coitus in the same manner you dance when you're drunk then it won't be just me who might find this whole thing an unpleasant experience."

"Sheldon, it won't be unpleasant."

"So says you," Sheldon said as he threw the drapes back.

Penny took hold of his hands. "If it's unpleasant then I promise we won't have to do it again."

"Can I put that into a written agreement and ask you to sign it?"

"No," Penny said, not about to let Sheldon stray from what she had planned for them. She tugged at his robe. "You won't be needing this."

"But I might get cold."

"Sheldon, it's over seventy degrees outside," Penny pointed out, a warm breeze filling the room with smells of the British countryside. "You're hardly going to get frostbite."

"It's better than we don't take any chances," Sheldon responded, his hands gripping tightly to the robe. "You saw what happened to that man's penis on Top Gear."

"Then perhaps I'd better check that yours doesn't have frostbite," Penny said in a breathless voice. As she advanced on him, Sheldon scuttled backwards, pulling the robe around him like a barrier between them.

Sheldon gave a scream of fright as he hit the bedroom wall, unable to get any further away.

"Sheldon, do you have to make this so difficult?"

"I would have thought the answer to that question was obvious."

Advancing on him, Penny reached out and tugged the robe off his shoulders and then took hold of his hands again. "Sheldon, you can't put this off forever."

"I don't see why not."

Penny tried to make him relax by being less forceful. "Look, I know you're nervous, but honestly, it's not going to be that bad. Going to third base wasn't it, was it?"

"No, but this is different," Sheldon said, his hands reflexively tightening and loosening on Penny's. "It's going to be messy and icky, and I don't want to do it."

"But men have been doing it for centuries!"

"That's only because they didn't know any better," Sheldon declared in a know-it-all voice. "If they had I'm entirely certain that they'd have opted to use a turkey baster."

Penny's patience vanished. "Sheldon, we're doing it." She pushed Sheldon back towards the bed. "On there, now!"

"But…"

"No, buts, Sheldon, get on that bed."

Sheldon baulked. "I can't."

Penny dropped to her knees. "Sheldon, if you don't get on that bed I'm going to show you exactly what third base really means!"

Quickly working out what that would be, Sheldon scrambled on to the bed, lying stiffly on it. "Do whatever you must."

After climbing on to the bed, Penny unbuttoned Sheldon's pajama top and then straddled him, feeling him recoil. "I bet there were sixteenth century virgins more eager than you."

"I don't doubt it."

As Penny sat on his lap, looking down at his rigid, almost terrified face, she relented, saying softly, "Sheldon, we're going to take it slow. We can start by kissing."

Sheldon closed his eyes and Penny suddenly found herself hard pushed not to laugh as he puckered his lips up. Leaning over him, she gently brushed his lips with hers again and again until he relaxed his mouth and allowed her tongue access.

After their kisses grew more and more ardent, Penny placed Sheldon's hand on her breast. When both of both them were panting and Sheldon's interest in their session was very obvious, Penny decided to skip third base and move things on.

As Penny stopped kissing him and sat upright, Sheldon asked nervously, "You want me to touch you down there, don't you?"

"No, Sheldon, I think we can skip that this time."

Sheldon let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness for that."

Penny grinned as she realized that he thought he was actually off the hook. "We're going straight for a home run."

"You mean…"

"Oh yeah," Penny said, as she reached under the pillow and pulled out the foil wrapped condom she'd placed there when Sheldon was in the bathroom. "Who gets to do this?"

"Since you're the expert, it should be you," Sheldon said, although deep down he wanted to throw Penny off him and run.

Penny decided that now wasn't a good time to get into an argument with Sheldon over his comment and instead swiftly dealt with the job in hand, Sheldon lying beneath her, his eyes closed and his hands gripping the duvet.

Unfortunately for Sheldon, closing his eyes didn't protect him from the strange feeling of having Penny touch him as Sheldon Junior was sheathed in a latex overcoat. It was about to feel even stranger as Penny then added to the sheathing, lowering herself down on to him until she couldn't sink down any further. Sheldon only opened his eyes when Penny spoke to him.

"Sheldon, are you doing okay?"

"I… I… I…" Sheldon tried to speak but the shock of the sensation seemed to have robbed him of coherent thought or speech.

"Okay, then, so we're good," Penny decided, well aware that stopping now would allow Sheldon to back out. Leaning forward she kissed him, waiting until he gave a small groan in his throat, before sitting back up and beginning to move.

Still not quite sure how to handle what he was experiencing, Sheldon gripped the duvet even more tightly and closed his eyes, reciting mathematical equations in his head to try and distract himself from what was happening. He had no idea that this actually working to Penny's benefit.

Eventually though, as the sensations became more intense, Sheldon finally lost concentration and began to panic, finding his voice again. "Can't breathe."

"Yes, you can," Penny barked out, not giving up on her pace, her own release not far off. "Yes, you can!"

As Penny's release washed over her, her inner muscles contracted, something Sheldon could feel, and it was a feeling he didn't like. "Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Can't..."

Sheldon's words died away as he suddenly experienced the sensation of feeling as though his body was going to fall apart as it was wracked with shudder after shudder, before he stilled.

As he released his death grip on the bedding, a now satiated Penny flopped on to him. "Oh God, you have no idea how good that felt."

Sheldon proved he was back to normal with his response. "That's a matter of opinion."

Penny lifted her head up. "Come on, you can't honestly tell me that I didn't rock your world."

"It would literally take an earthquake to do that," Sheldon unnecessarily pointed out.

Penny felt as if she had ran into a Dementor as her happiness drained away. "So you hated it?"

"No," Sheldon said hurriedly, half afraid Penny would cry. "But it was too, well, intense. I particularly didn't like the feeling I wasn't in control, almost as if I had used a vortex manipulator."

Penny had heard the phrase before but couldn't think where. "Spock, right?"

"Captain Jack," Sheldon corrected.

"I don't remember that in the Pirates of the Caribbean," Penny said after a moment.

"That's because he's from Doctor Who and Torchwood." Sheldon's lips pursed, his indignation evident. "Really, Penny, I thought you'd have remembered him. After all, you drooled all over the sofa as if he was the cut-up hotdogs in your spaghetti."

"You're jealous," Penny said in a delighted voice.

"Am not."

"I can look at you like that the next time we have sex if you want me to," Penny offered, squeezing Sheldon's leg and making him jump.

"You want to do it again?" Sheldon asked in a horrified voice, his earlier panic returning somewhat.

"Of course. I mean you know what they say about riding a horse…"

"That you get a sore bottom?"

"No, that if you fall off of one, you need to get straight back on."

"But you're not a horse and I didn't fall off of you."

"I know that, but you need to try this again and soon, otherwise you'll end up spooked."

"An analogy then?"

"Obviously," Penny said.

Sheldon brought up Penny's earlier promise. "But you said that if I found it unpleasant I didn't have to do it again."

"And did you find it unpleasant?"

"Not exactly…"

"Then we're doing it again," Penny said before she stretched and slid off Sheldon. "I'm going for a shower. Care to join me?"

"I'd prefer to shower alone," Sheldon said as he grabbed a pillow to put across his groin. "And I'd also prefer it if you didn't look."

"Get used to it," Penny said as she skipped off towards the bathroom. "Cowboy!"

As he slipped off the bed, Sheldon had the feeling that he was going to have to get used to a lot of things in the future now that Penny was in his life. He wasn't wrong as Penny reached out of the bathroom and grabbed his hand.

"Time for another first."

* * *

Sheldon's next astronomically scary first came two years later when he walked into the house and discovered Penny was waiting for him. He knew her well enough by now to know that something major was wrong and so he asked, "What's up?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh dear Lord," Sheldon murmured, and then he fainted.


	25. The Lie Mode Maneuver

**Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 25: The Lie Mode Maneuver**

"Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty… Euch!" Sheldon's soft singing to his wife came to a rapid halt as he was grabbed by the collar of his shirt and pulled forward so that he was almost nose to nose with Penny.

"No Soft Kitty!"

Sheldon was at a loss. "But you said to comfort you."

Penny gave a loud wail as another contraction hit her. When it was over, she scowled at Sheldon. "I meant get some ice chips, hold my hand, or do something useful! Not sing Soft Kitty."

"I'll go get ice chips," Sheldon offered, glad of an excuse to leave the room.

Twenty minutes later he was back. "Did you know that the woman next door is… oh Dear Lord!"

"Just leave him!" Penny hollered as someone went to help Sheldon, who had seen the baby's head crowning and fainted. "I'm the one having the baby!"

"Okay, get ready to push…"

* * *

"Sheldon!" Penny's yell brought Sheldon around. "Sheldon!"

"Did I just dream you were having a baby?" Sheldon asked in a bemused voice, his eyes not yet open.

"No, I always lie in a hospital bed with my legs spread like this," Penny barked, more than a little annoyed with her husband.

A baby's wail rent the air, and Sheldon's eyes snapped open as he gave a half-nervous, half-surprised smile. "That's it, isn't it?"

"Yes, Sheldon," Penny said, looking over at her still prostrate husband, "that is our daughter."

"Up we get," a rather stocky male nurse said as he hauled Sheldon to his feet. "Sit down there, next to your wife."

Sheldon gave him a dazed look as the baby wailed again. "I'm a daddy."

Penny held out her arms as the newly cleaned baby was put back into them, and all her anger at Sheldon dissipated as she looked down at the tiny bundle. "Sheldon, she's so beautiful."

Leaning over from his chair, Sheldon surveyed the baby in a critical fashion. "I think you might be pushing the envelope a little with that statement. She looks rather like one of Amy's monkeys' butts to me, sort of red and wrinkled." He knew he had screwed up when Penny's face began to crinkle up. "Oh crap."

"How could you say that about our baby?"

Sheldon immediately went into lie mode, having decided that if Kryten, a supposed truth telling android from Red Dwarf could do it successfully, then so could he. "I was just teasing. She's beautiful like her mother."

"Nice save, mate."

"Thanks," Sheldon said to the grinning male nurse, before turning back to see that Penny was looking far from happy. "Okay, okay, so I'm busted but it's true, she is all wrinkled."

"How do you think you'd look if you'd just spent over nine months inside of me?"

"She was a bit of slow poke, wasn't she?" Sheldon commented, before going on, "The average human gestation lasts 267 days from the moment of conception, and yet she took 284 days, two hours and, exactly what time was she born?"

"Sheldon, just shut up!" Penny said, wishing that just for once Sheldon could leave facts and figures behind. "Don't you want to hold her?"

"Why?"

"Because she's your daughter."

"I'm well aware of that, and…" Sheldon broke off as Penny began to cry. "I'll hold her if you'll stop."

"Let me help you," the midwife, who had finally finished cleaning Penny up said as Penny began to try to turn to face Sheldon. "Hold her like this, and make sure you support her neck and head."

"I know that," Sheldon said, having read every book on parenting he could possibly find in the local bookstore as well as surfing the net. However, knowledge and actuality were two different things, and it was an awkward few moments before he had his newborn daughter safely held in his arms.

Penny wiped away her tears as Sheldon stared down at his daughter. "You can talk to her."

Sheldon went to protest that it would be a waste of time since the baby would not understand, when he saw Penny's hopeful look, and he ignored his inner voice that wanted to tell Penny this, instead speaking to his daughter. "Hello. I'm your daddy, and my name is Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper. We haven't decided on a name for you yet because your mummy, Penny, told me we couldn't until you were born."

"I think she looks like a Rachel," Penny interjected.

Sheldon knew that Penny had picked the name from the long running American comedy series that was repeated on what felt like a mind-numbingly daily basis in the UK. "I'm not naming our daughter after a character whose claim to fame was hair related. I think we should name her Eva, after Eva Crane, who was a nuclear physicist with an interest in bees. In fact…"

"In fact no," Penny said firmly. "We're not naming her after any scientists."

"Then you're going to rule out a lot of names," Sheldon observed, "including Virginia, Elizabeth, Anna, Marie, Gertrude…"

"Gertrude?"

"Gertrude Elion, a Nobel Prize winner."

"Don't even bother telling me what for," Penny said without hesitation when Sheldon paused as their daughter opened her eyes to look at him.

He again paused as he realized that Penny would probably not want to hear all the interesting facts he had at his fingertips about babies and eyesight, instead opting for, "At least her eyes are both the same color."

Penny gritted her teeth and held out her arms. "Why don't you give her to me and go tell everyone that she's here?"

"I could just text them."

"Or you could walk up the corridor and make the announcement like a normal human being, especially as they've all flown here just for this moment."

Sheldon being Sheldon ignored Penny's comment about the effort everyone had made to talk about himself instead. "But I'm not a normal human being."

"Tell me something I don't know," Penny said, before she realized what she had invited with her oft repeated remark.

"I could tell you lots of things you don't know," Sheldon said, brightening at the thought of it as he always did when Penny said it to him.

"Or you could start by telling our friends and family something they don't know… that our daughter is here!"

"But how can I announce her arrival if she doesn't have a name yet?" Sheldon asked, suddenly seeing it as a potential problem.

"You just say, it's a girl!"

"Do I have to lie and say she's beautiful?"

The nurse shook his head as he walked out of the room, not about to get in the middle of what he believed would be a big fight.

"Sheldon, she _is_ beautiful! In fact, she's the most beautiful thing in the world right now." Penny then started to cry again, Sheldon's words more than a little hurtful.

Sheldon sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, taking care not to jolt his bundle, as did his best to try and make it up to Penny in the only way he knew how at that particular moment... with facts. "Did you know that the Greek for most beautiful is the name Callista?"

Penny looked up at him through her tears. "Is it really?"

"Yes."

"Then I want to name her Callista Penelope," Penny decided, the two of them having already agreed on Penny's first name becoming the baby's second one.

Sheldon had no real issues with the name and shrugged. "I suppose it'll do. Would you like to hear some more fun facts about the name?"

"No, Sheldon."

"Should I go tell everyone now?"

"Yes, Sheldon."

Sheldon clumsily passed the tiny baby to her mother before heading out of the door and up the corridor to announce the birth of his daughter, where it was surprisingly his mother who had issues with the name.

"You named her Callista? It's not very Christian."

"Neither is Sheldon or Missy," Sheldon retorted to his mother, who had supplied him and Penny with a long list of names she had extracted from the bible. "Penny chose it because it means most beautiful, although the baby's not really, but don't tell Penny that, otherwise she'll start crying again."

"Shelly!" his sister exclaimed, punching him in the arm and making him cry out. "You go back in there right now, and tell Penny that your daughter is the most precious, exquisite thing you've ever seen."

"I suppose I could go into lie mode again." Sheldon yelped as Missy hit him again.

Bernadette turned on Raj. "If you don't tell me our baby is beautiful when she's born, then you'll be sleeping in the spare room for a year!"

Raj opened up the small hip flask he had filled with liquor to celebrate Sheldon's news, and took a sip out of it before saying, "She will be a goddess, just like her mother."

Missy turned to her brother. "That's how you do it."

"But she won't be a goddess," Sheldon protested, not getting it.

"Just lie to her like Raj!" Bernadette screeched.

"But I wasn't lying, my fairest angel," Raj said, smiling dreamily at Bernadette as he patted his wife's gently rounded stomach. "You are a goddess."

"Now why couldn't I find a sweetie pie like you?" Missy asked, not yet having found someone she could fall in love with.

"Because I couldn't talk to you and so I ran away." Raj smiled at Bernadette again. "And I'm glad I did."

Sheldon resisted the urge to gag as Bernadette gave Raj a lingering kiss, and he said, "Well, I suppose I'd better get back and lie then."

"Can we see them?" Amy asked.

"I don't know. Penny told me to tell you that Callista had arrived, and so I've done it."

"Then go ask," Amy urged.

Sheldon returned a few moments later. "She's being moved into her room, number 429, so you can go see her in a few minutes."

As they walked up the corridor, he grabbed Amy's arm. "I should warn you. You'd better not mention she looks like one of your monkeys' butts. That upsets Penny too."

Amy rolled her eyes and walked off.

* * *

**One Week Later**

Penny walked into the sitting room to discover Sheldon in a white one-piece disposable suit wearing rubber gloves that went up above his elbows and a face mask. "Sheldon, what are you doing?"

"You said it would be my turn to change her diaper next, so I thought I'd get a head start."

"You don't need to wear that lot."

"I beg to differ. Have you seen what comes out of her?"

"Since I've been changing her diaper every time so far, the answer is yes," Penny said, putting a hand to her head to rub her aching brow, before she pointed to the gloves. "Sheldon, you can't change her diaper in those."

"Why not?"

"What if she's allergic to latex?"

"Good point," Sheldon said, tearing off the long gloves that were usually used when birthing cattle. "I'll just pop round to Boots the Chemist and see if they have anything suitable."

"Sheldon, just wash your hands after changing her."

"I don't think so," Sheldon said, picking up his wallet and heading for the front door. "I won't be long."

"Take off the mask first."

Sheldon gave her a sheepish look before removing it and leaving.

* * *

**Five Months Later**

"CERN," Sheldon said to his daughter, who was cradled on his lap and looking up at him. "Say CERN for daddy."

"Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?"

"Teaching her the important words she'll need for later in life."

"You don't know that she'll be a scientist."

"And I don't know that she won't," Sheldon countered, before smiling at his daughter who grinned back at him. "Show mummy and say CERN."

"Ma ma ma."

"Sheldon, she said mama!" Penny yelled excitedly, putting down a sheaf of papers and taking her daughter from him. "Who's a good little girl? Who said mama?"

"She actually said ma ma ma."

"Good enough for me," Penny said triumphantly, kissing her daughter on the cheek. "Callie, say mama."

"Ma ma ma."

"When she's only a rocket scientist, I'll know who to blame," Sheldon said peevishly, getting up and noticing the papers Penny had put down. "Scientists Gone Wild?"

"Yeah, it's a pilot for a TV show I'm auditioning for. The writer is over here and he's agreed to let me audition in London rather than LA," Penny said, almost as excited about the opportunity as she was about her daughter's big step forward.

"Will the pilot be filmed in London?"

"LA, but it's only for a few weeks and I thought you could visit the National Summer Steamup while we were there," Penny said, dangling the train orientated event in front of Sheldon that she had taken the time to look up online.

It worked. "That would be fun but what about Callie?"

"Don't you want our daughter to know all about trains?"

"Good plan," Sheldon said, approving of the idea. "So I'll take her to the show, and you can film your pilot. What's it about?"

It was now Penny's turn to get excited. "The character's name is Betty Barton, a young, blonde woman who's from Lincoln, Nebraska, who moves to California to be an actress. But while she waits for her big break, she works as a waitress at the Olive Garden."

"Sounds really boring," Sheldon commented.

"It's going to be a comedy," Penny said, before explaining further. "Betty's going to move in opposite two geeky scientists, one of whom falls madly in love with her, although his roommate doesn't understand why."

"Does the pilot have time travel in it?"

"No."

"Does it have neon fish in it?"

"No."

"Batman?"

"No, Sheldon, although it does have masturbation in it," Penny commented, hoping to shock him.

"Not you I hope."

"Nope, it's the two scientists who decide to go to a sperm bank and make a deposit."

"Sounds like a no-hoper to me," Sheldon said, picking up his iPad. "When's the audition?"

"Tuesday at five."

Sheldon checked his electronic diary. "But that's when you're supposed to be taking me to the dentist for a check-up."

"Then you'll have to change it."

"It took me three weeks to get this appointment, and I'm already one day late. I'm sorry, Penny, but I can't. My dental hygiene is far more important than your audition for a show that's going to go nowhere."

"I'll change Callie's diaper for a week if you put the appointment off."

Sheldon wavered for a moment, before shaking his head. "No."

"Ten days."

While Sheldon had managed to come to terms with bathing, feeding and dressing his daughter, changing her diaper was his most hated chore, even giving him nightmares in which a large diaper chased him down the street while yelling daddy. "Two weeks."

"Done."

* * *

**A Week Later**

Penny picked up the phone and then let out an almighty shriek. "Sheldon! I got the part!"

"Shh!" Sheldon said quickly, rushing down the stairs. "I've just got Callie to sleep."

"Sorry," Penny lowered her voice. "I got the part."

"I hope this doesn't mean you're going to be reneging on the diaper agreement," Sheldon commented.

"Thanks a lot! I get a part in an actual TV show pilot and that's all you can say?"

"Congratulations?"

"Forget it." Penny stomped off upstairs, Sheldon following her as she marched into their bedroom.

He knew he was in trouble when she turned around and she had tears running down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. This is important to you, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Come here," Sheldon held out his arms and began to rub Penny's back as she cried. "There, there, Sheldon's going to make it all better."

"How?" Penny sobbed, her mind already on exactly how Sheldon could make it all better.

"I could sing Soft Kitty."

"Or you could, maybe, kiss me."

Sheldon brushed a kiss over his wife's cheek.

"On the mouth, Sheldon!"

"But we haven't brushed our teeth."

"Sheldon, just kiss me."

Somewhat reluctantly Sheldon did as he was told, although he pulled away when her hands moved to his shirt to begin to unbutton it. "Penny, what are you doing?"

"Helping you to make it better."

"But it's the middle of the day."

"I know," Penny said as she finished unbuttoning his shirt and began working on his pants. "Live a little dangerously, Sheldon."

"Can we at least shut the curtains?"

"No."

"Take a shower?"

"No," Penny said, pushing him back on to the bed as she began to undress herself.

"Top or bottom?" Sheldon asked as he watched her undressing.

"You really know how to push a girl's buttons, don't you?" Penny asked sarcastically.

"After all the instruction you've given me, I should hope so," Sheldon said, taking her literally as he kicked back the covers and removed his socks, aware by now that Penny hated it when he left them on. "So, top or bottom?"

"Bottom," Penny said, joining him on the bed. "It's your turn to do all the work."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather take a shower first?"

"No, I want you to make it all better."

"It would be much better with a shower," Sheldon protested, even as he leant over towards Penny to kiss her.

"No, it would be much better if you just got on with it."

"But you can't be ready for coitus," Sheldon said in surprise. "We haven't even begun foreplay yet."

Sheldon having destroyed the mood, Penny pushed him away. "I give up."

"So can I get back up now?"

"You can do whatever the hell you like," Penny said as she rolled off the bed.

"I messed up again, didn't I?"

"When don't you?" Penny then turned around. "And don't even bother answering that or I swear to God I'll kill you."

Sheldon swiftly came to the conclusion he had messed up big again. And so, not wishing to spend another two weeks in the spare room as he had done the last time he had messed up big when Callie had been born and his lie mode maneuver had failed, Sheldon slid off the bed as well and grabbed Penny's hand. "Come on."

"Sheldon, what are you doing?" Penny asked, still angry with him as he pulled her out of the bedroom.

"I'm living dangerously," Sheldon said, pulling her down the staircase and into the kitchen. "Get on to the table."

"It's solid wood, Sheldon."

"I'd make love to you on the carpet but it's cheaper to clean the table," Sheldon said, pointing at it. "So get on it."

"Sheldon, it's hard."

Sheldon let go of her hand and came back in with some cushions from the sitting room and dropped them on the table. "Now get on."

Not entirely sure whether or not she was dreaming, Penny did as Sheldon said, hiding her laughter as he clumsily climbed on to a chair before moving to lie above her. "Now this is what I call making it better."

Sheldon took a leaf out of Penny's book. "Just shut up and kiss me."

* * *

When it was over, Sheldon lifted his head to look at Penny who was sweaty and a little red-faced. "Make sure that when you launder the cushions you use the hot wash, and this table will need scrubbing. On second thoughts, just throw the cushions out, and we can burn the table."

Penny burst out laughing. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"Not as much as I love you."

Penny melted. He might have his moments, but at times like this she was glad she had married Sheldon and she reached up and kissed him, the kiss becoming drawn out as Sheldon's hand moved to cup her breast. As he ended the kiss, she whispered, "Do you want to make it all better again?"

"If you go on top, I do. My knees are killing me."

Penny laughed again and pulled him back down to kiss her before swapping places and making love to her husband.

**Sorry for the delay but it's been a nightmare trying to find time to write lately. **


	26. The Friendship Reconnection

**Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory does not belong to me; I merely wished Sheldon did.**

**Chapter 26: The Friendship Reconnection**

"She looks just like you, Penny," Raj said as he watched Sheldon nursing his daughter.

"Aw, that's so sweet," Penny said, feeling touched by Raj's words.

Raj then shattered the moment. "I've never seen such a tight grip on a bottle before except when you're drunk and clutching your wine. Then again, I imagine Sheldon would be holding on that tightly to a Nobel Prize if one came his way."

"Too true," Sheldon said, before adding to Raj's comment. "But he's right; she does take after you with that grip. And just like you, I'd have to take a crowbar to her to separate her from her bottle."

Bernadette chalked one up for the girls as the baby let rip with an enormous burp. "But that's definitely Sheldon's area; full of gas."

Even Raj tittered at that one, and Sheldon handed over his daughter to Penny. "Her diaper needs changing."

"And it's your turn."

"I did it last time," Sheldon said, "and besides I'm out of disposable gloves."

"She doesn't have a communicable disease," Penny growled, carrying Callie over to the changing cart. "Do you, sweetie? Isn't Daddy a silly billy?"

Callie laughed, getting her revenge when she turned two…

* * *

Sheldon screamed, "Penny!"

Alarmed by the sound of fear in his voice, Penny sprinted into their sitting room to see him cowering against the wall, their tiny daughter holding a potty out in front of her. "I see Callie has a gift for you."

"Get it away! Get it away!" Sheldon said, trying to become one with the wall and escape from his hopeful daughter.

Callie began to cry, and Penny walked over to her and took the potty. "Oh, you did a number two for Daddy! That's such a good girl."

Callie's tears quickly dried up as she nodded proudly. "Me big girl."

Penny grinned and straightened up, shoving the potty ever closer to Sheldon. "Don't you want to see this, honey?"

"Penny, please just get it away from me."

Penny stepped away as Callie turned to her father. "Up, Daddy."

Sheldon, however, slunk away. "I'm sorry, I just can't. I know where those hands have been."

Penny bent down and scooped up her once again tearful daughter. "Come on, let's go show Bernie what you've done."

"Yay!"

Sheldon dashed towards the bathroom, intent on washing his hands, even though he had not even come close to touching the potty.

Penny was waiting for him when he came out. "Sheldon, you can't just back off from her like that. She's really proud of what she did."

"Excrement is nothing to be proud of," Sheldon said, not getting it. "You don't see me calling to you to show off what bowel movements I've produced every day, do you?"

"Thankfully no, but she's two, Sheldon, two!" Penny said shaking her head at him. "And speaking of excrement it's your turn to go out and buy more diapers. We're running low."

"I swear that baby uses more diapers in a month than her sister did in a year," Sheldon complained loudly. "It's costing a fortune."

"Then perhaps you should wear a condom the next time you decide to live dangerously," Penny said, reminding him of the incident which had saw Bernie's conception.

"It would certainly be cheaper and a lot less messy," Sheldon said as he headed for the door. "Or I could just give up on coitus altogether."

"Okay," Penny said, smiling sweetly. "You do that."

"You wouldn't last a month," Sheldon said, smirking.

"I went a whole year without it when I was first dating you," Penny reminded him. "Let's see who breaks first, "Mr. 'I'm only doing this in the name of science'."

Sheldon went red. Whenever he had wanted to instigate sex, it had been Sheldon's excuse for the first year of their marriage when he had discovered, after Penny had shown him what third base truly meant, that coitus and the run-up to it was indeed something he found more than a little pleasurable. "Penny…"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"You win, damn you and your feminine wiles."

Penny blew him a kiss. "I love you."

"I know," Sheldon said, smiling at her, ducking at the pillow that came hurtling his way before he shot through the door and out to safety.

Callista's next attack on her father's sanity came when she turned three…

* * *

"No! No! No!"

Penny signed as she hurried into Sheldon's study, drawing to a halt as she saw what had brought on this outburst. "Oops!"

"Oops!" Sheldon exclaimed as he angrily turned to face his wife. "Oops is what you say when a nuclear missile goes missing or a train comes off the tracks. Oops is not what you say when your daughter has destroyed a month's work!"

"Sheldon, she's three and didn't know any better," Penny said, admiring what was patently a sunflower. "And it's obvious she's got some sort of talent."

"A talent for destruction," Sheldon growled as he went to wipe the board clean, only to stop when Penny screamed at him.

"Sheldon, you can't, at least not until I've taken a photo. It's a great drawing." Penny pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of the flower on the board. "Perhaps she's gonna be an artist one day, like that Van Gogh guy."

"Oh dear Lord, can my day get any worse?"

"What's wrong with being an artist?"

"What's wrong with being an artist?" Sheldon echoed. "Where do I begin?"

"You don't," Penny said, watching as Sheldon returned to cleaning the white board off of her daughter's artwork. "But if our daughter wants to be an artist, then that's what she's gonna be, and when one of her paintings is hanging in a museum somewhere, you'll remember this moment and that I was right."

Sheldon snorted derisively. "I doubt that very much; most artists only become renowned after they die."

"That's probably because they had a father who didn't support them when he was still alive to do so!"

"No, it's because they're so worried about people not liking their work, they're too afraid to put it on show, their true talent only really being discovered after their death," Sheldon said in his usual know-it-all way. "So unless our daughter becomes a genius painter at a very young age and then dies soon after, you're never going to be right."

Penny stood for a moment, her mouth open before spinning and turning on her heel.

"Women!" Sheldon then went back to his whiteboard, dismissing all thought of his daughter, and what he personally thought was mediocre work, out of his head.

* * *

"I've drawed you a picture, Auntie Amy," four year old Callie said, presenting Amy with a picture.

"Why, thank you, Callie," Amy said, taking the picture and looking at in alarm, before quietly saying out of the corner of her mouth to Sheldon, "What is it?"

"I've no idea," Sheldon said just as quietly, not wanting Penny to overhear them, as she was still convinced their daughter was some sort of genius. "Callie, tell Aunt Amy what it is."

"It's a monkey."

Amy turned the picture around. "Where's its head?"

"There," Callie pointed, before toddling off to talk to her mother who was playing with her little sister Bernie.

"And Penny thinks she's going to be a great artist?" Amy asked, as dumbfounded as Sheldon.

"There's no convincing her otherwise," Sheldon said, nodding towards his study and leading Amy into it. "I've done my best to try and show her what supposedly constitutes great art and the markers just aren't there. And Callie just cries if I tell her it's rubbish, so I get into trouble for doing that too."

"I could always insert a few probes into the right side of her brain to try stimulating those areas that are linked to artistic talent, although if I was to go too deep you might instead up with a homicidal maniac for a daughter rather than just a lousy painter."

"I suppose that's a bad idea then," Sheldon said in a somewhat glum voice. "Penny gets mad if I let Callie anywhere near a dinner knife; I could just imagine how unhappy she'd be if our daughter suddenly decided that a meat cleaver might be more suitable."

"Perhaps you should try something different," Amy suggested. "Take Callie into the lab where you work."

"I did that once and it was a disaster," Sheldon said, remembering his daughter running screaming around his office as she peed all over his floor after pulling off her diaper. "She got way too excited."

"Isn't that a good sign?"

"I never considered that." Sheldon then shook his head. "But I really don't have the time to watch her and work."

"Oh well, it was just an idea," Amy said, before making a suggestion, "But you can always take me."

"Only if you promise not to take off your underwear and pee on my floor."

"I see you have developed a sense of humor, Sheldon."

"Oh, I wasn't joking."

Amy studied his serious face. "Really?"

"Bazinga! Of course I'm joking, but still, just so we're clear, no panty removal, no matter how excited you get."

* * *

**Five Years Later**

"Dada," the blonde baby uttered.

"No, you want Mama," Sheldon told his young son. "Mama is going to change your diaper."

"Dada," the baby repeated.

"I think Robert has spoken," Penny said, as she finished helping her daughter put her coat on. "And it's Dada's turn to change his diaper."

"What's it worth if you do it?" Sheldon asked, having quickly gotten used to bargaining with his wife after Callie's birth, and it had continued when Bernie had followed after Sheldon had lived dangerously on the kitchen table, something that had ended up at a charity store as Sheldon had refused to eat off of it ever again.

"Uh-uh, just man up and do it."

"Yes, Daddy, you do it," Callie said, her accent most definitely British and sounding nothing like her parents, although Penny could do a more than passable copy of it if she tried.

"Pass me the gloves, apron and clothes peg," Sheldon said resignedly, having downgraded over the years to the three simple items.

Penny and her daughters watched as Sheldon affixed the peg to his nose and tried to not breathe as he changed Robert's diaper, almost breaking records to put it into the diaper pail and then returning to clean up his son and get him re-diapered.

"I can't wait until he's toilet trained," Sheldon declared as he finished strapping the tag on the diaper.

"You and me both," Penny said with a grin as she handed over a romper suit. "And we need you to hurry up. We're going to be late for the awards ceremony."

Bernie interrupted with a question. "Will Aunt Bernie and Uncle Raj have ice-cream, Mummy?"

"Yes, they will, hon, strawberry, just as you requested."

"Is Uncle Howard going to be there?" Callie excitedly asked her father.

"Of all the people to have a crush on, it has to be him," Penny muttered under her breath.

"It's only because he does magic tricks."

"And he made poo stuff in space," Bernie added.

"Enough about that, Bernie," Penny said, hating any mention of the toilet that Howard had helped to construct for the Space Station a short time before the Arctic expedition that had brought her and Sheldon together.

Sadly for Penny, both of her daughters, however, had been utterly fascinated by it and, since moving permanently back to California three years previously, they had pestered Howard with a stream of questions every time they saw him, questions he was only too glad to answer and in graphic detail to both girls' delight.

"I'm more concerned that she might want to become an engineer," Sheldon said, giving a shudder. "Any child of mine deserves to be more."

"She could become an actress."

"I want to be a spacewoman," Bernie said, putting paid to her parents' discussion about her future. "Then I can poo in space."

"I'm going to kill Howard," Penny said as she took Robert from Sheldon. "Let's go."

* * *

**Four Hours Later**

Sheldon sat with Penny, who was squeezing his hand tightly. "Squeezing my hand won't make any difference as to who wins the award."

"I know, I know."

Penny tensed up as the nominations were read out, and then finally the winner of the award for Best Actress.

'_Best Actress in a Comedy: Penny Cooper for playing Betty Barton in Scientists Gone Wild.'_

Penny hurried up to the podium, shock evident on her face. "Thank you everyone for voting for me and for giving me this award. And a big thank you goes out to Leonard Hofstadter and Carrie Anders for writing the series, and to Andrew Lefler for casting me in it. Without these three, this would never have been possible. But most of all I'd like to thank my husband, Sheldon, for believing in me."

Penny made her way back to sit next to Sheldon, shaking hands with Leonard, who was sitting on the row behind them. "Who'd ever have thought you'd become a screenwriter."

"It pays better than loser teacher," Leonard said, a big grin on his face. "And I got to meet a lot of pretty actresses, although I think that make-up artists are much prettier." He winked at his wife, a make-up artist who he had met on the set of Scientists Gone Wild.

His wife, Katherine, a petite redhead, smiled back at him. "Nicely done. Now pay attention, it's your turn."

Leonard, together with his co-writer, then had their moment in the spotlight, their series winning an award for their writing.

When Leonard returned, Sheldon held out his hand. "Congratulations, Leonard."

Leonard took Sheldon's hand and shook it. "Thanks, Sheldon, and thanks for letting me use you as a character. Nigel is easily everyone's favorite in the series."

"I should imagine so if he's based on me," Sheldon said in a smug voice, before smiling at Penny, "although my wife is my favorite."

"He has to say that if he wants sex tonight," Penny said with a bigger grin than her husband, before directing a question at Leonard. "Speaking of sex, will Betty and Nigel ever get together like Sheldon and me?"

"That would be too close to real life," Leonard said, having toyed with the idea before rejecting it as the series had gone on. "I was thinking of bringing in someone just like him to partner him up with."

"You're kidding?" Penny asked in horror.

"Nope," Leonard said, before asking, "Do you know anyone I could base her on?"

Remembering how much, even to her dying day, the now deceased Meemaw had wanted Sheldon to marry Amy, it wasn't too hard for Penny to think of someone. "Amy Farrah-Fowler Rantzenburger."

"The girl who married Helena's grandson last year?"

"That's the one."

Sheldon pulled a face. "I did tell her to keep her panties on when she visited my workplace, but did she listen? No."

Penny nudged him. "Neville spilled coffee all over her and she had to take her clothes off to dry them."

"It all boils down to the same thing," Sheldon contended. "And if you ask me…"

Leonard interrupted them before Sheldon could get into the swing of things. "Penny, do you have her number?"

Penny pulled out her cell phone, which was on silent, and acquired it. "I'm actually going to see her tomorrow so I can talk to her but I think she'll say yes, especially if you agree to let her character have sex with Nigel."

"Only if he can wear gloves to touch her," Sheldon joked, once again demonstrating the sense of humor that Amy had noted he had acquired.

"I must put that in," Leonard said, whipping out his ever present notebook and making a note.

Rolling her eyes, Katherine asked, "Are you going to the party afterwards?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I have an award ceremony of my own I need to fly out for tomorrow."

"That's right, you're collecting a Nobel Prize, aren't you?" Katherine said, before making a suggestion to Leonard. "You could include that in the series."

"Nah," Leonard said, dismissing the idea out of hand. "I can't have Nigel getting too much of a big head. He'd be far too much like Sheldon then."

"It isn't boasting if the award is truly deserved," Sheldon argued. "And for me it's truly deserved."

"Of course it is," Penny said soothingly, shooting Leonard a 'shut up if you don't want him to go on' look. "Now let's listen to the last few awards."

After the awards ceremony had began to draw to a close, the foursome stood up, Leonard drawing Sheldon to one side as they began to slowly file out. "I really meant it when I said thank you tonight, and even though we've managed to patch together a friendship of sorts, I'd really like for us to be true friends again. I've missed you."

Spotting a good opportunity, Sheldon decided to have a little fun with Leonard. "Agreed… but only if you agree to change my son's diapers whenever you visit."

"Change his diapers?"

"Yes."

Leonard searched Sheldon's face to see if he was joking. "You're joking, aren't you?"

"Bazinga!" Sheldon said, laughing at the look on Leonard's face. "Of course I am. It won't be long before he starts toilet training. We can save that proviso for my next child."

"Is Penny pregnant again?" Leonard asked worriedly, having had to write around her once already, the show not going into production until almost two years after the initial pilot had been shot.

"Not yet, but she's going to be," Sheldon said, having agreed with Penny that they wouldn't leave such a large gap between Robert and their final baby.

"Perhaps I'll team her up with Roger," Leonard mused.

"Howard's counterpart, I think not!" Sheldon immediately said. "My wife is not kissing him!"

"It's just acting."

"Tom Renfrew wouldn't be acting," Sheldon groused, hating the actor who played Roger. "He looks at Penny as if she's the cut-up hotdogs in his spaghetti."

"And I'll quit if I have to kiss that slime ball," Penny butted in, also loathing the man who played Howard's counterpart Roger, more than she ever had loathed Howard, and that was really saying something.

Katherine agreed with her, warning her husband, "And you'll be sleeping in the spare room if you make her do that. The man's hideous."

It was Katherine who swayed Leonard. "Fine, I'll team her up with Dev then."

"He's cute," Penny said, approving of Leonard's choice.

"Couldn't she just inseminate herself?" Sheldon asked, hating it whenever Penny was called upon to kiss anyone other than him.

"With a turkey baster I suppose," Penny said, remembering Sheldon's former desire for her to use such an instrument.

"If that's your preference."

"My preference isn't for public consumption," Penny said playfully as they reached the elevators.

"That's our cue to leave," Katherine said, taking Leonard's hand. "Goodnight both. Don't worry, Penny, I'll make sure he treats your character well."

Penny kissed Katherine's cheek and smiled at Leonard, before taking Sheldon's hand and allowing him to lead her into the elevator. "Who'd have ever thought we'd be friends with Leonard again?"

"Not me but your career was more important than holding a grudge."

Penny did not bother to remind Sheldon that he had taken some persuading, or rather a mix of tears and blackmail, to have anything to do with Leonard again after he had discovered that Leonard had written the comedy based on their lives. However, Sheldon had agreed that Leonard had changed when he had finally been talked into meeting him, but only after Leonard had given Sheldon a truly heartfelt apology for ruining his experiment. Only then had Sheldon agreed to consider Penny's request that she fly out to California to take part in the series that she had successfully auditioned for in London.

Instead of pointing any of this out, Penny pulled Sheldon's head down to kiss him, saying, "I love you,"

"And I love you," Sheldon responded when the kiss ended and they walked out of the elevator and to their hotel room. "So earlier, did I hear you correctly about us having coitus tonight?"

"You did, but only in the name of science."

"Well, if it's in the name of science, I suppose I could be persuaded." Sheldon shook his head. "Then again, maybe not. It is late."

Penny shut the door and unzipped her strapless dress, letting it fall to the floor, leaving her standing in just her panties and high heels. "How about now?"

"You need to try harder than that," Sheldon teased as he began to shed his clothes.

"I'll see you in the shower." Penny shed her final article of clothing before swaying unashamedly across the floor of the hotel room and into the bathroom.

Sheldon's own entrance was delayed as he picked up Penny's dress and folded his clothes.

Closing the door to the bathroom and switching on the extractor fan, Sheldon finally joined Penny in the shower, immediately noting a problem. "You didn't bring my anti-dandruff shampoo!"

"I'm standing here naked and ready for sex and that's all you can say?"

"But it's important. I don't want people deluged with particulates from my scalp when I'm receiving my Nobel Prize," Sheldon complained. "Can you just imagine the headlines?"

"Yes," Penny said, folding her arms. "Scientist's wife splatters crowd with blood when she uses award to beat the living daylights out of him because he won't make love to her!"

"I suppose they wouldn't notice my dandruff then," Sheldon mused.

"Sheldon, you don't currently have dandruff and I'm quite certain it takes more than one day to produce it." Penny quickly put a finger to his lips. "And no, I don't want to know how long it really takes, no matter how fascinating it is."

Sheldon removed her hand. "I know. You want coitus, don't you?"

"A whole lot more than I want to discuss your dandruff." Penny handed over the soap. "And you can start by washing my back…"

* * *

"Where do you think I should put it?" Sheldon asked, his eyes glowing as he held up the medal he had been awarded. "Up here with my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy or with the one from Professor Proton?"

"I think you should put it wherever it makes you happy," Penny said, well aware this would go on for hours if she gave him a single answer.

"How about if I put it next to this?" Sheldon pulled a box out of his pocket and handed it to Penny.

Penny opened up the box to see a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant with a snowflake inset into it. "Sheldon, it's beautiful."

"I was going to have it made into a ring, but when I showed it to Callie she said it should be inside a heart because that means that her daddy loves her mummy."

Penny burst into tears. "Oh, Sheldon!"

"There, there," Sheldon held his wife, taking care she was nowhere near his medal; he didn't want salty tears getting on it.

Penny pulled away after a few moments, wiping her tears away and handing the necklace to Sheldon. "I told you our daughter was a genius."

Sheldon put on the pendant and took Penny back into his arms. "True, but you don't have to be a genius to know how much I love you."

Holding back the tears that were threatening again, Penny smiled tremulously at Sheldon. "And I love you and I always will."

No further words were spoken as the two kissed, and then Sheldon took hold of Penny's hand. "Come on, let's go do something in the name of science to celebrate."

Laughing, Penny let Sheldon tug her into their bedroom, before closing the door on the world.

**A big thank you to everyone who's read this and supported my efforts.**


End file.
